


Pretty Odd (Things Have Changed For Me and That's Okay)

by Cadensaurus (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Barebacking, M/M, Slow Burn, a medley of humor and schmoop and confusion and angst that ends in happiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-04-02 23:13:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 154,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4077427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Cadensaurus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Baby!fic in which one day, Phil wakes up with a baby in his bedroom and finds out that apparently he and Dan are the only ones who don't know where this baby came from, as everybody else claims that it's Phil's. What happens next is they then end up raising a baby together, with no less than a few existential crises from both of them along the way, as well as plenty of blunders and mishaps. Oh, and through it all, Phil starts falling for Dan but doesn't dare tell him because he can't risk losing his best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> One night, I thought out of the blue "I really want to write an AU where Dan and Phil basically wake up to a baby and have to raise it" and then proceeded to write ten pages of plot because I can't do anything with brevity. And thus this story was born. I would like to point to sunsetmog's wonderful fic "Thereafter You Have It (and Tango Makes Three)" for where my love of baby!fic emerged and partially inspired me, as well as being incredibly well written and full of adorableness.

Phil wakes from a rather pleasant dream about something that isn’t very pleasant, if he’s to be honest. He’s shopping at Tesco with his mother and she’s loading the cart up with his favourite foods for whatever reason.

 He’s stood there in the checkout lane while his mother tells him to go on and pick something from the rows of chocolate bars and for some reason, they’re all the king-sized kind and he’s reaching for one as she tells him that they have to hurry up, they have to get back and prepare for the party.

 There’s just a sense of something wonderful coming and so while shopping for groceries isn’t particularly a great thing, he’s happy, and he can’t wait for the party and as he’s helping load the items onto the conveyer belt, he wakes up.

 Phil opens his eyes and blinks hazily a couple of times, staring at the fabric of his pillow sheet and his arm sprawled out in front of him. Letting his brain collect itself, he feels the last remnants of the dream disappear as he tries to remember just what was happening.

 Propping himself up on his elbows, he stretches out his legs and arches up, feeling his back pop once at the base, and sighs in relief, flopping back face first into the pillow and sighing loudly.

 He lies there for another half a minute before deciding that yes, it is in fact time to get up. Pushing the covers back, he swings his legs out of the bed and sits up, grabbing his glasses from the bedside table next to him and putting them on, letting the world in front of him come into view.

 Standing, he heads to the loo and relieves himself before heading back to his bedroom to grab his phone and check his messages. As he enters his room, he sees something that he didn’t notice when he awoke, something against the wall opposite of where he’d faced upon sitting up.

 There’s a bassinet shoved up against his wall. It’s got a wooden frame, dark blue quilted covering around it and lighter blue canopy head, and Phil stares at it blankly for a solid twenty seconds before stepping forward.

 Why is there a bassinet in his room?

 No, take that back. He looks down and can only blink. Why the everloving hell is there a baby in a bassinet in his room?

 It’s asleep, wispy auburn-brown hair almost too thin and short to really count as hair covering its skull which, and Phil can only take a vaguely educated stab at this one, is slightly elongated and he knows that must mean it’s a very young baby, only a few days old at best, because don’t their skulls eventually round out after a few days, it’s just from being squeezed through the birth canal?

 Why is there what is obviously a newborn infant in his room? He stares at it in befuddlement for another minute. It’s wearing a pair of white pyjamas that seem too big for it, almost swallowing it up in its fabric, and Phil stares at its sleeping face, eyes shut, little lips wrinkled up in a half-frown, one hand resting just under its chin and its fingers are so tiny, its fingernails are even tinier –

 – and Phil is suddenly terrified because this is a newborn baby, why is it here, and all he can think is that he can’t hold it because he might drop it and injure it and so he turns and as silently as he can flees into Dan’s room, the only thought on his mind being that maybe Dan has any semblance of an idea of what’s going on.

 Dan’s sleeping still, curled up on his side, arm flung over the edge of the bed, hanging down, and Phil imagines that it’s going to be massively sore when Dan wakes up.

 Phil stands for a couple of seconds, chewing his lip, trying to figure out how he’s going to explain this, before just deciding that really, there is no explanation he can even try for.

 “Dan.” Phil says simply. When Dan doesn’t stir, he says it again, louder, tapping at Dan’s shoulder a little harder than he intends, except he’s more than a little shaken so Phil thinks he can be forgiven.

 “Hmmm,” Dan says muzzily, yawning and rolling onto his stomach, burying his face into the pillow.

 “Dan!” Phil practically shouts this now and Dan sits up in a jerky movement, sheets twisting around him as he looks around briefly before focusing on Phil.

 “What?” Dan asks, sounding a little confused and worried, because Phil’s tone is obviously not calm and if he’s waking up Dan, something must be wrong.

 Phil stands there, staring, before stating, “There’s a baby in my room and I have no idea how it got there.”

 Dan gives him a look, furrowing his brows. “Okay, as far as strange ways to wake me up go, this is … probably your dumbest. Like, this is probably dumber than the time you woke me up because the jam on your toast looked like a cat face.”

 Phil cringes for a moment because Dan is probably right about that before remembering the topic at hand. “Dan, I’m not joking. There’s a baby in my bedroom. There’s a bloody bassinet and inside is an infant and I have no idea how it got there.”

 Dan blinks a few more times before pushing the covers down and swinging out of bed, clad only in his sweatpants. He grabs a discarded t-shirt off the floor and tugs it on. “Phil Lester. When I go in your bedroom and find nothing in there and you’re having me on for some strange reason, I am going to beat the pulp out of you.” He groans, still sounding half-asleep.

 “Lead the way,” is all Phil can say.

 When Dan gets to Phil’s room, he stops and Phil, walking behind him, bumps into him for the abruptness of the action, forcing Dan forward another half-step.

 “I’m going to assume I’m right in imagining that you wouldn’t buy a bassinet for a prank wake-up,” Dan says, a little shakily, even as he moves forward and peers and finishes up with a, “What the fuck-”, clasping his hand over his mouth to muffle the curse as he stares at the infant.

 Dan turns to Phil and the two of them have a silent, panicky sort of conversation with their eyes, Dan repeatedly gesturing at the crib, confused, and Phil holding his hands up weakly in resigned helplessness.

 Finally, Dan heads back towards the hall, snagging Phil’s sleeve as he goes and hauling him into their living room where they both stand, glancing nervously in the direction of Phil’s bedroom.

 “How did a baby get into your room?” Dan hisses. Phil gapes.

 “I have no idea, Dan! I just woke up and there it was. What do I do?” Phil paces a few steps towards the bedroom and then back, finally opting to sit on the couch.              

“Call the hospital and ask if there’s a missing child? Did you get drunk without me knowing and go out and take a baby? This is kind of unprecedented in my life, Phil. I’ve never woken up to a baby that didn’t belong to me, so I can’t exactly give you advice.” Dan’s sliding into a sarcastic tone, a bit sharp, and Phil can sense Dan’s stress and backs off because Dan’s just as lost as he is.

Dan takes a seat next to Phil, staring at a spot on the carpet that apparently might hold an answer for Dan. Phil gets up and heads back into the bedroom because he doesn’t really know what else to do, with Dan following a moment later.

When he gets there, he sees something he hadn’t noticed in his panic on his dresser. There’s a birth certificate and he scans it for information. Apparently this baby was not named, as it reads “Baby” Lester, with his name as the father and a Hannah Willis as the mother. The baby, who is apparently male, was born April 20th, 2015, at approximately 8:05 in the morning. Today is the 22nd.

First things first – Phil’s absolutely and completely sure he doesn’t know a Hannah Willis. Moving on to the next bit of news, he’s even more sure that he hasn’t _had sex_ that could lead to a baby anytime in the last nine months.

Not that he hasn’t had sex, mind you, but he knows who it’s been with – if he’s recounting anytime in the last year, it’s been five occasions with a friend who was on the pill and they used a condom each time and she is well and definitely not pregnant after any occurrence.

Phil stares at the baby, who is still sleeping quite soundly, and turns to thrust the paper at Dan. “What is this?” He whispers, because he knows what it is but what he doesn’t understand is _how_. How does this exist in his bedroom when there is no way it could have happened?

Dan stares at the form and then takes it, returning to the living room. “Call the hospital and explain that there’s been some mix-up, that somehow your name was put on a birth certificate and you have a baby and it isn’t yours.”

“That is the worst plan I have ever heard, Dan!” Phil exclaims, hushing himself so he doesn’t wake up the baby because waking up that baby would be the worst thing that could happen. It would make things a little bit more real and right now, Phil’s having a hard time grasping the realness of the situation already.

Still, Phil has no other idea what to do and so he rings up the number on the paper and requests to talk to the maternity ward.

“Maternity ward, this is June speaking, how can I assist you?” A pleasant-sounding woman answers and Phil coughs.

 “Um, hi. I… don’t quite know how to explain this but I woke up with a baby in my bedroom and a birth certificate listing me as the father except there’s no way it’s mine, as I haven’t, well, had relationships that could result in that and I wasn’t at the hospital to even take home a baby and I don’t know anybody by the name of who’s listed as the mother.”

 There’s a long silence at the other end of the phone. “Is this a joke? Because we’re very busy and I don’t appreciate someone calling and wasting time-”

 Phil cuts in desperately. “This isn’t a joke, I promise. I have no idea whose baby is in my flat or why it’s in my name, but it isn’t mine. My name’s Phil Lester, maybe you, I don’t know, had a Paul or something, someone with a similar name, and I don’t know how the baby got here, but it isn’t mine.”

 He can hear tapping on a keyboard. “The only Lester that had a child here in the last few days would be a Phil Lester. So I don’t know what you’re getting at but whatever it is, it’s not funny.”

 “Wait, can you see if there’s any information about the mother? Hannah Willis?”

 “You don’t know anything about the mother?” There’s a tone of disgust in her voice now and Phil knows she’s thinking he’s some slag and he can only clutch his phone tighter.

 “Please.” Phil speaks the word helplessly and there’s silence for a second, then tapping again.

 “Sir, what is your date of birth and address? I can’t give you any information unless you can show me that you are who you’re claiming to be.”

 “January 30th, 1987.” Phil says, rattling off the information almost mechanically, adding his flat address as well.

 “Sir, I don’t know what kind of relationship you and the mother had but the records here show that the mother signed complete custody over to you. Even if you could prove to us that you had rights to her information, there’s a note stating her personal information not be given out to anybody.” Now June is sounding cross and Phil feels a cold pit form in his stomach.

 “But –” and before he can speak another word, she cuts in.

 “There’s nothing more I can do for you. I don’t know what’s happened – maybe you had a few too many drinks the last day or two and don’t remember the birth, maybe you’re just trying to have some fun, maybe you regret having a baby and want to give it up, but that’s not my problem and I find what you’re doing to be quite inappropriate.”

 There’s a click as she hangs up.

 Dan has been right beside him the whole time, close enough to have heard the conversation without it being on speaker, and he meets Phil’s gaze. “What?”

 Phil can feel the tension thrumming through his body and at the same time, he feels completely exhausted, and his legs feel a bit like jelly underneath him.

 So he does the next thing he thinks of, which is ring his parents.

 “Mum?” He asks quietly. “I’m having a bit of a situation.”

 “What’s wrong? Is the baby ill?” His mother’s voice, which was briefly soothing, throws him again, sudden fear washing over him and Dan’s mouthing at him, “What? What the hell?”

 “Baby? You know about the baby?” Phil utters, confused. “How did it get here?”

 His mother laughs slightly. “Well, we drove you back to your flat, remember? Did all the excitement wipe the events from your mind?”

 “No, mum, you don’t understand. It’s not mine. I don’t know how it got here or why it’s here.” Phil tries to explain. “I don’t know anything about this baby. Or its mother.”

 “You told us that about Hannah weeks ago. We weren’t exactly thrilled that you’d gotten a girl pregnant, one you barely knew, or that you were going to take sole custody of the baby, but we know you don’t know the mother. But it is your baby and I don’t know what you mean by you don’t know anything about the baby? We did encourage you to go to classes or read some books, didn’t we?” His mother’s voice is something between lecturing and befuddlement.

 “No, you don’t understand. I genuinely have no memory of any of that. The past nine months have had no Hannah, no baby, no nothing. I went to bed yesterday without a baby, without a person named Hannah, and I woke up with a baby.” Phil’s starting to feel dizzy and more than slightly crazy.

 “Look, Phil, if you need help, you can call but I don’t know what you’re getting at here. You were the one who said you wanted to have sole custody of the baby, that Hannah told you she wasn’t ready for a child and you decided you were. Are you drunk?” She adds the last bit quickly, as if it’s just come to her.

 “No, I’m not drunk! Though right now I’d like to be because I’m very confused,” and that is most _definitely_ the wrong thing to say to his mother because she inhales suddenly.

 “You have a newborn, Phillip. You can’t go around drinking. You need to attend to your baby.”

 Tears suddenly form, hot and sudden, pricking at Phil’s eyes. “I just don’t understand what’s going on,” he says, trying to hold himself together, and he feels Dan’s hand on the small of his back.

 His mother speaks, gentler. “Look, I’ll be over in a bit, alright? I’ll help you with whatever it is you’re confused about.”

 “Alright,” Phil says, because he doesn’t know what else to say. As his mother disconnects, he mindlessly moves to set his mobile down on a table and stares at Dan, fear filling him.

 “I don’t understand,” he mumbles and Dan is shaking his head. “You and I both agree this isn’t my baby, it wasn’t here last night.”

 Dan’s got his own phone and is texting someone and when it buzzes a moment later, he reads the text and his face goes oddly flat. “I just asked Louise if she knew anything about you having a baby and she said she wanted to know if you’d picked a name yet and to send a picture, she wants to see it.”

 Phil doesn’t speak, reading the message over and over. “So what – I have a baby and everybody but you and I knew about this? How can you and I be the only people who don’t know what’s going on?”

 Dan pushes his fingers through his hair and rubs at his face tiredly. “If I had literally any idea what the hell was going on, I’d tell you, Phil. Your mum will be here soon enough, maybe she can explain it?”

 There’s a sudden noise, a whimpering that turns into a peaky wail, and fear washes across Phil anew, as he and Dan both head for his bedroom where the baby is lying in the crib, face scrunched up as it cries.

 “What does it want?” Phil asks, trying to reach for it and then pulling his arms back.

 “I don’t know? Is it hungry? Is it damp? Did it, I don’t know, scratch itself with its fingernails? Isn’t that a thing that babies do?” Dan queries, as if Phil has the answers.   

 Phil glances at those tiny hands again but the nails are trimmed to the quick and he can see no scratches as he examines the baby.

 He awkwardly reaches down because a thought flashes through his brain, _this baby is scared and nobody is taking care of it and it must feel utterly alone_ , and so he picks it up and cups it under its bottom, feeling that it’s not damp, at least not from what he can tell, pressing it to his chest, wrapping his other hand across the top of its shoulders until its face is against his chest.

 It continues to cry and Phil gently tries to rub its back and rock it up and down in his arms and he speaks to it, not sure of what to say, so he just says, “It’s okay, it’s okay, little baby, it’s okay, baby boy, you’re alright,” over and over, Dan equally flustered and texting at his phone again.

 “Louise says when’s the last time you fed him,” and Dan’s already holding up a hand as Phil snaps at him that he has no bloody idea, he didn’t have a baby an hour ago.

 “There’s no formula or anything.” Dan says, looking around. “No diapers either. There’s no toys, no anything that would indicate a baby was going to be coming home to here.”

 Dan heads out of the room and Phil stands rooted where he’s at, holding this sobbing infant and wishing he knew what it wanted because he can only imagine how upset it is, because someone has to take care of the baby and it has needs that aren’t being fulfilled.

 “It’s okay,” he whispers again, trying to put every bit of soothing he can into his voice, as if that will magically make it better. “It’s okay, baby. My mum will be here and she’ll help, I promise. You’ll get what you need. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.”

 He’s trying to console himself as much as he is the baby, but it does nothing and so the next thirty minutes pass with the baby weeping inconsolably until it seems to run out of steam and sputters out a few jerky, wet choking noises and silences itself. He sits on his bed and continues to rock it through the entire thing, as his ears start to hurt from its noise, and he doesn’t know what to do for it, but he can’t leave it alone.

 Phil’s afraid to put it down though, because it might be quiet, but he doesn’t know what it needed, and all he can think now is what if the baby is scared, so if he’s there, at least it’s not alone.

 He heads to the living room and sits on the couch, curling an arm around the baby tighter, and Dan watches him, having been sitting on the other end of the couch, facing him. They don’t talk. Phil holds the now quiet baby and is silent, staring at the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I took a few liberties as to what might be near Dan and Phil's flat. Also, I have never had a child so all babyraising information is from the internet and books I've read. Also, I suspect Phil's mum is a bit more laidback than one's parent would rationally be, but I figure Phil's going through enough at the moment, he can deal with a parental freak-out later.

Phil has no idea how long passes before his phone starts buzzing. He doesn’t want to let the baby go and he says, “Dan, can you get my phone?” Dan nods and answers it and it’s Phil’s mum, wanting to be let in and Phil feels relief wash over him just slightly because at least _now_ , maybe he can help this baby.

 When his mother appears following Dan through their door, Phil gets up, doing his best not to jostle the baby but it still whimpers and he thinks _please don’t start crying again_ because he doesn’t think he could handle it; he has no idea how to take care of this baby and his nerves are so frayed right now.

 His mother reaches out as she comes near and takes the baby from him, giving Phil a long look as he lets her take the baby willingly, backing up a few steps.

 “It started crying-“ Phil begins and his mother lifts her eyebrow.

 “It?”

 “The baby.” Phil recalls Dan saying Louise had asked the last time Phil had fed ‘him’, and he stores that information into his brain. “He’s been crying and I don’t know why.”

 His mother sighs. “You did absolutely no research before having this baby, did you?”

 Phil thinks protesting that it’s not his, that he has no idea where this baby came from will only lead to more frustration on his part and arguing so he just gives up wearily. For now, anyways.

 “No, I didn’t know-“ he doesn’t know how to finish that sentence. Because I didn’t know I was going to wake up to a baby in my room? It would sound even worse to say I didn’t know I’d need to research because he’s not stupid, he knows how much effort babies are.

 “I didn’t know it would come so soon,” he tries to lie his way out of it. “It’s just so sudden.” His mother’s gaze barely softens and he stares at the floor.

 “Come on, we put all your stuff in the kitchen. Have you put it away yet?” She asks. Dan and Phil exchange brief, confused looks, and then both set off towards the kitchen where Phil sees, piled on top of each other, a huge pack of diapers, a bag that is filled with formula and several bottles, another bag with wipes for cleaning the baby during diaper changing and odds and ends like pacifiers, a syringe with a rounded end, little nail clippers and a little, soft-bristled brush, yet another bag with things for washing the baby like shampoo and soap and towels.

Pushed against the wall are two pieces of furniture that Phil can identify as a baby bathtub and a stroller.

So not only did he wake up to a baby, but at least the bare basics for having a baby. Somehow, that does nothing to ease his terror.

“Dan, can you hold …” His mum looks at Phil. “Have you given him a name yet?” Phil shakes his head wordlessly. “Can you hold the baby for a minute? He’s probably hungry. I’m going to show Phil how to prepare formula.”

Dan awkwardly takes the baby, staring at Phil and Phil stares back briefly before turning to watch his mother root through the bags and emerge with a big tub of the formula and a baby bottle, setting it on the counter.

She hunts down a pan and reads the instructions on the back of the container. “Alright, so, come here, Phil. You’re going to do this and I’ll lead you through it. This is a nine ounce feeding bottle, but we only need half that right now.”

He turns on the tap and fills half the bottle, going to reach for the formula when his mother stops him.

“No, you have to boil the water first.” She chides him gently. Phil stops and remembers the pan, pouring the water into it and putting it on the stove, turning on the burner.

They stand there, Phil watching Dan with the baby, and his mother speaks again. “Phillip, I can’t believe you didn’t do any research about having a baby. You knew this was coming for at least the last few months, no? I mean, you haven’t told us how long you knew she was pregnant.”

Phil can’t try to explain so he just mutters another apology. His mum shakes her head. “You’re going to be in for a very big learning experience, I suppose. I’ll help you as much as I can, but I can’t believe how irresponsible this was. You’ve never done something like this.”

Phil glances over at Dan and the baby and steps over, running his fingers along the newborn’s arm and as his fingers pass into its palm, it grabs instinctively, tightening its grip.

He’s surprised but doesn’t pull back and instead murmurs, “Dan, I’ll take him,” to which Dan gives up the baby. Carefully, Phil arranges the baby in his arms and the baby loses his grip on Phil’s fingers but Phil brings them back up as soon as he’s situated the baby, because maybe that will make the baby feel safer, more secure.

He sees out of the corner of his eye, his mother watching him with a strange expression on her face, what looks like sadness and fondness at the same time.

“Mum?” He asks, turning to her. She sniffs slightly and wipes at her eye.

“It’s just that you’re still my baby, and you’ve got a baby of your own now, and you…” She trails off but Phil understands the sentiment.

And once again Phil tries to understand this, because this isn’t his baby and he’s wondering if he can put it up for adoption – if he can put him, it’s a he, up for adoption. At the same time, his brain whispers how horrible that would be, because everybody’s telling Phil that this baby is his, and he can’t just abandon a baby.

The way the baby’s clutching at his hand, it tugs deep inside him. He’s starting to wonder, not even two hours after finding this baby, if he could give up this infant.

He steps over to the stove, watching the water in the pan. “Do you think the baby is hungry? How often do you have to feed them?”

“Well, I was feeding you every hour and a half,” his mum answers. “And you haven’t even opened the formula? We dropped you off about five hours ago; I’m surprised the baby hasn’t been crying this entire time.”

Okay, so, somehow whatever parallel world Phil has apparently woken up in has a different timeline because he got a solid eight hours of sleep last night.

“It’s okay, baby,” he tells it quietly. “We’re getting you something to eat right now.” It shifts in his arms and he tightens his arm around it. “Shhh, no, don’t cry again, please.”

There’s this nervous tension in the room between his mother and him, between Dan and him, and Phil is pretty sure he’s never been this terrified in his life about what is going on and what to do.

He’s also terrified in a whole new way because he’s pretty sure he’s … he’s going to do this. He’s going to take care of this baby and raise it. Something in him has already attached to this baby and he can’t just give it up.

The water begins to form bubbles at the bottom of the pan and he watches silently as they slide up along the edge of the inside of the pan, slowly, then faster.

“Alright, so let that boil for about a minute and then turn it off. Wait until it cools for a few minutes and then pour it into the bottle. We’re going to mix two scoops of this formula in. And then always test it before you give it to your baby, Phil. You don’t want him to burn his mouth. Just squeeze a couple of drops onto your wrist. It just needs to be a little above room temperature.” His mother suddenly cuts into Phil’s thoughts.

“Can you … I don’t want to put him down. In case he’s scared.” Phil says, equally as scared as this baby – _his baby_ , his brain tells him – might be. His mother smiles faintly at that.

“Just watch, then.” And she guides him through it, though she tests the bottle on his wrist after hers so he can feel the temperature, and then she places the bottle in Phil’s hand.

“Don’t force him to drink it all, if he stops after half, let him be done.” Phil guides the nipple to the baby’s mouth and it latches on immediately, and he can feel the slight pull as it starts to feed.

Relief starts to trickle through him as he thinks that now, hopefully now, the baby feels safer, not as scared, someone is taking care of it. He holds it a little closer without even realising it.

“Does that taste good?” Phil murmurs to it and the baby briefly looks up at him, stares as it suckles, a bit of formula at the corner of its mouth, and Phil looks up to see Dan watching him, looking more than slightly disconcerted and also a little nervous.

“I guess I’m going to be here for a while,” his mother says. “Teaching you some of what you need to know.”

Phil nods. “I guess so. Dan, can you … I don’t know, go get us something to eat for lunch?” It’s still early, but late enough that there will be places serving lunch. Dan nods and seems relieved to be able to leave, heading for his bedroom to get dressed.

“Okay, so do you know anything at all about what you’ve got in these bags?” His mother asks as Phil feeds the baby.

“Some? I mean, pacifiers and I need to keep its nails clipped?” Phil says, remembering what Dan had mentioned.

“Well, we’ll get to the diapers when that time comes but let’s go through some of this,” his mother says, pulling out things from the bags. “This here?” The syringe with the rounded end, “You’re going to use this if you need to clean out the baby’s nose. Suction it out. And this oil is for its head – there’s something called cradle cap. It’ll make your baby’s head flaky and scaly, you’ll need to rub the oil on his head once a day, maybe at night.”

“We can give him a bath if you’d like, after he finishes eating. You’ve got that baby bathtub over there, we can rest him in it while we wash him in the sink.” His mum suggests and Phil nods, a little weakly, because he’s scared anew of accidentally drowning the baby or getting water up its nose and making it choke.

Phil hears Dan call to him that he’s leaving, he’ll be back in a bit, and as the door closes, his mum finally asks him, “So how is Dan handling this? I mean, I’m surprised he’s alright with this – he’s going to be woken up by the baby too when it’s crying at all hours of the night.”

“He’ll manage.” Phil answers, hoping fervently that’s true. He’s not sure how he’s going to approach Dan about this and tell him that he’s pretty sure he’s keeping this baby. He tilts the bottle a little bit, the baby almost finished with it, and his mum speaks again.

“Did you pick out a name yet? I know you said you weren’t sure yesterday.”

“No, I … have no idea yet. I’ll figure it out soon though.” He’ll have to – he can’t keep calling the baby ‘baby’. He’s hit by a whole new wave of terror because giving the baby a name will make this all the more real.

The baby finally pulls off the bottle after another minute of suckling, turning its head away with only a little bit of formula left in the bottle.

“Alright, give him here and I’ll show you how to burp him.” Phil’s mother says, grabbing a dishtowel and placing it over her shoulder, holding the baby against her chest and rubbing up and down his back, patting gently. “The towel’s in case some of the formula comes with it.” She adds.

After several minutes, the baby gives a quiet little hiccup and she ceases her actions. “You don’t have to be rough, just little gentle pats,” she says. “Here you go,” she says, handing Phil back the baby. “I’ll start getting the water ready for the bath.”

She plugs up the sink and spreads out a towel on the counter, placing the baby bath in the sink as she runs the tap, letting it fill about a third of the way up.

She tests the temperature, changes the water to cold, and after a few more seconds, decides it to be acceptable. “Okay, now let’s undress him and put him in this little bathing station and use this cup to pour water over him gently.”

She guides Phil through the task of wetting down the baby, supporting his head the entire time, gently wiping at the baby with a wet washcloth, taking care of where the umbilical cord stump still is, and Phil shudders at what it looks like.

“It looks like a poo,” he mutters and she laughs slightly.

“It does at that. By the way, wait until you change his diaper. The first few, ehm, movements look like tar. It’s normal but it’s not pretty.” His mother says, a bit too cheerily, and Phil tries not to think about what that will look like either.

Once they’ve rinsed off the baby and dried him, she bundles him back up in his pyjamas. “Now, how about you just go sit and talk with him for a little. Let him get to know the sound of your voice.”

Phil nods. “D’you have of your old parenting books?” He asks. “That I could borrow?”

His mum smiles slightly. “Yeah, but they might be a little outdated – I got mine from _my_ mother. I can lend you them if you really want, but you might be better off buying newer ones.”

Phil nods again. “I can do that,” he says, though he doesn’t know what books would be good and thinks he’ll have to do some research on it.

After a moment, she purses her lips. “Do you think you’ll be alright without me for a little while? I can go buy you a few things to get started yourself. I don’t want you to put it off, because you’ve done no research at all,” and she frowns at him there and he doesn’t bother trying to explain anymore and simply tries to keep the confusion off his face and put some appropriate guilt to replace it.

“So, would you like me to do that? There’s a Smith’s not too far away from here, right?” She holds out the baby and Phil takes him quickly.

“Uh, yeah, it’s about ten minutes, I think?” He looks down at the baby, who is simply watching him as Phil adjusts his hold so that the crook of his arm is under the baby’s head and he can cup its bottom and lower back more securely as he sits.

“Alright, well, you should be okay for a while – he’s clean, been fed, and doesn’t need a diaper change yet. Just sit with him and talk. If he falls asleep, let him sleep. You can put him in his crib if you want if he falls asleep. Most newborns are only up for half an hour to a couple of hours at most. He’s been up for about, what, an hour and a half now? So he’s probably getting pretty tired.”

That somehow relieves Phil, because if the baby is sleeping then he can talk to Dan a little, and he doesn’t have to worry about it needing something. “Okay.” He offers his mum a half-smile and she returns it, still tersely.

“I’ll be back,” she tells him, picking up her purse and sliding the strap over her shoulder. As she’s leaving, he hears footsteps coming up the hall and she says hello and goodbye to Dan as he returns with food.

“Dan,” Phil says, grateful to have his friend back. Dan has returned with a bag that is squared out and he presumes it to be pizza.

“Sorry it took so long, I didn’t want to have it delivered – I needed a bit of time to think. I mean, I still do. I don’t know what’s going on. But here, have some pizza.” Dan says, giving him the most ragged smile he’s seen Dan have in a very long time.

Phil just shrugs slowly, tiredly. “Neither do I. But.” He thinks this would be best done like a band-aid, just rip it off. “I think I’m keeping the baby. I don’t think I could give it up at this point. I mean, already I care about it.” As an afterthought, he adds, “You eat first. I’m not starving, I’ll eat when the baby settles down and falls back asleep.”

Dan’s very quiet and says nothing, though his grip on the bag suddenly loosens and he has to grab for it again as it almost slides out of his fingers. Without a word, after a few more seconds, he turns and takes the food into the kitchen.

“There you have it,” Phil whispers to the baby. “Guess it’s just you and me now, baby boy.” The baby stares at him unblinkingly, mouth parting and tongue pushing at its lip for a second before closing again.

He’s terrified again. He’d like to say he’s not totally sure on this but as he sits there, he is. He knows he couldn’t give this baby up. Not when he feels the pull to keep it safe, to see the tranquil look on its face when it sleeps, to see the way it looked so calmly at Phil once it had gotten its bottle.

He doesn’t break the gaze between him and the baby. His baby. “Guess it’s just you and me,” he repeats. He doesn’t know if Dan will even bother staying with him as a flatmate, let alone support this. He’s terrified of that thought too. But he can’t – he just can’t give this baby up.

“We need a name for you, little guy,” he says quietly. “Since… I guess I’m your dad.” It feels strange to say that. He was never against the idea of having kids, but when he found the right girl, settled down, got married. Probably not for another five years if he’d met the perfect girl today. He’s twenty-eight and has a child now, with no mother to be in contact with.

He has no idea how much his life is going to change and that scares him because he know it’s going to change and no matter how hard he’s going to try to be ready for it, he can’t be. There’s going to be so many unexpected things. He knows it.

“I don’t want to keep just calling you baby, but I don’t know what I want to name you yet. So… if it’s alright by you, I’m going to call you little guy for a while until I figure it out.”

The baby yawns at him and Phil smiles. “I know, it’s boring and a terrible name. I promise I’ll give you something better. Hey, did you know my dad wanted to name me Jason? Or Richard? But mum overruled him, said I looked like a Phillip.”

With a blink, the baby takes in a little breath that seems sharper. “Do you not think I look like a Phillip?” He asks it with a small smile. “You… you look like a…” He stops and looks at the infant. “I don’t know yet. Maybe I’ll know in a little while. Sorry, little guy.”

He continues to talk to the baby – his baby – for a few minutes, about nothing in particular because he can’t really think of anything he should be telling it, because it doesn’t really understand him, so he just tells the baby the plot of a few of his favourite books as a child and watches as it yawns a few more times and its eyes finally flutter shut.

His voice lowers even more, barely above a whisper, as he finishes up the last of the storylines and carefully, as smoothly as he can, stands up and walks to his bedroom, depositing the baby as gently as he can, with only a bit of awkwardness.

Phil watches him for a few seconds and then goes to talk to Dan, knowing that this can’t go smoothly. He can’t realistically expect it to.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post-posting, I was told by a friend that the term "nappy" is basically the only word used instead of diaper, and if it disrupts the flow of the story enough I'll go back and change it. Happy reading!

Phil looks at Dan as he enters the kitchen who says nothing, chewing at a piece of pizza and staring at his phone with a determination to not look up that Phil thinks has only been mirrored once, by an ex-girlfriend when she broke up with him but didn’t want to see his face crumple as she did it.

Phil picks up a piece of pizza silently and eats it without really tasting it, just to put something in his stomach. He hadn’t realised how hungry he was and so he shoves a toe against a chair to push it out and sits in it, reaching for another slice, biting into it and finally speaking.

“I’m sorry I dropped that bomb on you like that.”

Dan barely lifts his head when he lets out a slight huff of breath at that. “Well, there was no real easy way to tell me it, was there?” His voice is sarcastic, not the funny sarcastic but the pissed off sarcastic and Phil hates hearing it because it’s almost never directed at him and the few times it has been, Phil’s fucked up good and deserved it.

Phil knows this is a level beyond whatever he’s done in the past but he can’t say he fucked up because he can’t fault himself for keeping a child that is apparently, biologically and legally his.

He voices as much to Dan, who squints at him with tired, confused eyes. “But you can’t raise a baby. You have no idea how to raise a baby. There is nothing in our life conducive to having a baby right now.”

Phil glances into the corner of the kitchen where everything that he’d noted earlier, the diapers and all the bags filled with various helpful items, are sitting and then glances back to Dan. “Apparently this weird version of the world was kind enough to set us up with the absolute basics for raising a baby.”

“You. Not us.” Dan corrects him. “Somehow you have a baby. And the bare minimum for raising it. And I cannot believe you think you should actually go through with this!” His voice rises there and Phil shoots him a warning glare, glancing towards his bedroom where the baby is.

“Look,” Phil’s too tired to shout or really argue, he’s emotionally drained and so he sort of just urgently and emphatically speaks in a flat tone, “I know you don’t get it but holding that baby and taking care of it just…”

“You shouldn’t be taking care of a baby,” Dan breaks in, his voice matching Phil’s and Phil thinks it’s because they know each other so well, they’ve known each other so long, that sometimes Phil’s mood infiltrates into Dan’s mood and sometimes Dan’s mood becomes Phil’s mood in the same way and it happens without them even realising and that’s part of why their friendship has always been so strange and strong.

Sometimes that’s a good thing, Phil might be tired and a bit bummed out and Dan will launch himself into his room and almost crash into Phil with a huge smile and an excited suggestion for something they can do and it takes just a couple of minutes for Dan’s mood to rub off on Phil’s.

Right now, Dan looks just as tired as Phil feels and his voice is so similar in tone and level. Phil shakes his head a little helplessly. “But this is my baby, Dan. And… you don’t know what it was like. All I could think when it was crying was how scared it must be and once it was able to get fed, get washed, once I was able to talk it to sleep, it was this relief of how safe it must feel.”

“But it can get that from another family. You could put him up for adoption and let a family that is ready for a baby take care of him and love him.” Dan argues, propping up his cheek in his hand.

“It would be so scared, though, until someone did adopt it, if it wasn’t adopted immediately. What if nobody adopted him for like, two or three years? It grew up in a foster system all alone and unloved?” Phil says immediately.

“Phil.” Dan gives Phil a look that is so weary. “This is ridiculous.” Anger flares through Phil briefly.

“I know you don’t get it, Dan, but I’m keeping this baby. Okay? I’ll make it work somehow. But I’d understand if you didn’t want that and obviously if you wanted to move out.” Phil doesn’t want that in particular, he really likes having Dan around. Asking Dan, though, to be okay with the idea of a baby screaming and crying at all hours of the day and night when it’s not Dan’s is asking a lot. He really wouldn’t blame Dan if Dan decided to leave.

Dan seems to have reached a point in the argument where he’s done and just stands, throwing away a paper plate that has a few crumbs from pizza crust on it and leaving to his bedroom.

Phil heads to his own respective bedroom where the baby is sleeping still and he runs a finger across the baby’s forehead, down his cheek and he watches as the baby abruptly turns towards the touch, mouth parting in sleep.

“Sorry, little guy,” Phil murmurs. “Don’t wake up. You stay sleeping. You get your rest. You had a rough morning, I’m sorry about that. I didn’t know. But I will, I promise.” He resolves right then and there to learn as much as he can, as fast as he can. It’s not really a resolve, though. He’s going to whether he wants to or not. Now that this baby is his.

He’s about 80% sure he’s going to keep this baby. He’s going to talk to his mum a little when she gets back but … he looks down at the infant, pink and little and silent, and lets his thumb, which was resting on the baby’s upper arm, travel down.

Its fist is loosely clenched and it opens a little as he does so, sliding his thumb across the palm, and suddenly feels those little, soft fingers squeeze tight around his own, as it yawns and holds on and a shiver runs up his spine.

_Kachunk._

That’s where his heart falls out and 80% goes to 100%. He’s keeping his baby. Everybody else will just have to deal.

Phil stands there for another couple of minutes before the grip on his thumb loosens and he can pull back his hand. He sits on his bed, watching the bassinet, getting lost in his own thoughts.

There’s a barely audible tap at his door, Dan peering inside the room cautiously. He’s holding an overnight bag and a bookbag, both of them bulging. “I’m… going home to visit my parents for a bit. I don’t know when I’ll be back. I just need to not be here right now.” His voice is low, hardly audible.

Phil looks at him for a long moment. He bites down the hurt he feels because he had genuinely hoped Dan might stick around and support him. “See you,” he says, instead, equally low.

For a split second, it looks like Dan might say something, but then he turns and is gone and Phil hears the door click shut behind him.

Phil lets out a long sigh and sits on the edge of his bed, lying back and staring at the ceiling. He can hear his baby breathing quietly and listens. It breathes faster than he does – he wonders if that’s normal.

He hears a buzz at the door a moment later and the baby makes a small noise, a whine, but doesn’t wake, and he hurries to let his mother in.

She’s returned with six books, plus another jumbo pack of diapers. “Trust me,” she says, glancing at the pack in the kitchen. “That’s going to last you three days, max. This _might_ get you through the week.”

“What? How many times is the baby going to go?” Phil asks, slightly scared of that idea. His mum laughs.

“Well, anywhere from six to ten times a day, probably. If you’ve got twenty-four diapers in that pack, and this here has forty-eight, that’s seventy-two. Hopefully it’ll get you through the week, but it probably won’t.” She answers. “Also, start reading. I’ll take care of your baby if it cries for a couple of hours. That way you can at least get some idea of the first week.”

She pulls out a book titled _The First Year, Week By Week_ , and hands it to Phil, who flips to the first page as she sits next to him. The first chapter deals with conception to birth before actually jumping into the first year of birth and he half-reads and half-skims, because he’s not pregnant and the birth has already happened and so while a bit of background information is good, he’d prefer actual helpful to now information.

He reaches for the birth certificate that Dan had left in the lounge and picks it up. His baby was apparently a little underweight for a healthy birth weight, by about three ounces, and that causes Phil alarm, even though the book reassures him that most babies lose weight after birth and fall below the acceptable target as they dispel body fluids and babies that are just slightly underweight to begin with have no real risk.

As Phil reads, he notes that the book tells him to give his baby a gentle massage before bedtime and it might sleep better. He’ll definitely be trying that – anything to keep a baby from wailing when he has neighbours.

There’s a page that notes recommended immunization dates after birth as well as a two week post-birth follow up to see how the baby is developing and he tears it out, crosses over to the fridge and pins it up, and makes a note to find a doctor for all these things, soon, because he has two months before the next round of shots and he’s not sure how much time in advance he needs to schedule this.

He grabs a highlighter and starts yellowing over important things for him to remember, like he’s studying for a test, and finds himself overwhelmed by all the information that a newborn brings with it. He didn’t have a clue for at least seventy percent of this.

“How did you manage?” He asks, offhandedly, as he sticks the marker between his teeth and lips and reads on.

“Hm? Well – you just do. You get thrown into it and either figure it out or deal with an upset baby.” His mum answers. “But you’ll learn fast, trust me. In a week you’ll look back on yourself and how far you’ll have come.”

When Phil gets to the section about diapers, he stops. “So, baby changing. Should we go check on little guy and see if he needs a new diaper?”

His mum checks the clock. “Sure, he’ll probably want to be fed soon anyways. Do you have a changing table?”

Phil’s pretty sure he doesn’t. “Um, no?” He offers. “I can get one though.”

“You probably want one. For now, we can just use, um, I guess we’ll put some towels down in here and I’ll show you. Do you have any spare towels that you don’t mind possibly getting dirty?”

Phil shrugs. “We have a couple of light brown towels that we keep around for guests, but we can always get new towels.”

“Alright, you go get your baby and I’ll find the towels. If you want to feed him again, that might actually, um, help move things along if he hasn’t gone already – put a bit of weight on the intestines.”

Phil does as she says, preparing the formula first and then going to get his baby, carefully cradling him in his arms. The baby stretches, flinging its arms and legs out as he picks it up, and Phil shushes it gently.

At his voice, his baby quiets. The book had said that the baby would start recognising voices within the first forty-eight hours and respond to its parents’ voices. Phil wonders if that’s happening here.

“You starting to recognise me, little guy?” He asks as he feeds the baby, who ignores him in favour of the bottle.

After feeding, his mother walks him through changing a diaper and it is way more complicated than Phil would have expected, and he wasn’t expecting it to be easy. His baby’s soaked through the one it was already wearing and like his mother had promised, its waste does indeed look almost like tar.

“This is truly disgusting,” Phil says, crumpling the diaper and throwing it into the trash. “I’m taking this out as soon as we’re done.” His mum laughs.

“Every parent has the same reaction,” she promises him. “Now, just fold this here,” she continues to instruct without a moment’s hesitation and Phil watches as she nimbly puts a new diaper on his baby.

“Uh. I’m going to learn how to do it that quickly?” Phil says, disbelieving it.

“All that and on a table without letting him fall off, probably sometimes with one hand holding him down,” his mother informs him with a nod and a smile. “So. I’m thinking, Phil, that I’m going to stay the night and let you read – I’ll take care of my grandson, get to know him a little. Well, as much as I can get to know a two day old baby. But I figure since you didn’t do any research, I’ll help you out this way. You’ve got all night and all day tomorrow before I go home to just read, and if you wanna help out you can but for one day only, I’ll be the parent again.”

Phil stares at his mum and reaches over to hug her hard, and she lifts her arms up from where she’s just finished closing the diaper, hugging back.

“And,” she whispers in his ear, “I guess we’re going to have to throw you a late baby shower and get you some more stuff that you didn’t think to buy. You know, like a changing station.”

Phil laughs weakly at that. “Yeah, okay,” he agrees. He’s willing to take any help being thrown his way.

That night, Phil reads nonstop. His head hurts from all the reading, from focusing his eyes on text for an hour, two hours, four hours, five and a half hours before finally taking a break for dinner, hearing his mum take care of his baby, helping her change his diaper, doing it himself, clumsily.

Then he goes back to reading again, poring through the information, wondering just how much he’ll remember in the morning, stunned at just how much there is to know about raising a baby.

He passes out eventually, his baby sleeping in its crib soundly in the living room where his mum is on the couch, head so full of information it feels like it’s physically throbbing, threatening to burst out and make him lose it all.

Two hours later, he’s awakened by screaming and stumbles out of bed, eyes bleary, glasses half-askew on his face as he shoves them up his nose, and finds his mum already awake and holding the baby.

“Shhh, honey,” she talks to him. “You just settle down now, I’m right here. You hungry? We can get you some food.” Phil steps forward because this is his baby but she shoos him away. “I’m leaving this afternoon – go back to bed and get what sleep you can.”

And even though the baby is still crying loudly, Phil’s so exhausted that he barely manages to get his glasses off as his body hits the bed and his brain turns off.

When Phil wakes up, for a split second he thinks maybe it was all just some weird dream. He looks and sees no bassinet in his room. He remembers that it’s in the lounge with his mother and hopes maybe she’s not there, maybe there’s no baby.

When he steps out of his room, though, he hears the sound of his mum’s quiet snores and the baby’s breaths, faster and almost silent, and that’s normal, he’s learned. His heart doesn’t quite sink, but his brain spins in frustration, because this is real still, and he creeps out and picks up the book, where it’s bookmarked from last night, and then goes into the kitchen, eating cereal – Dan’s cereal – and picking up right where he left off because that’s all he can do.

When he’s finished, he washes the bowl out and heads back to the living room, carefully picking up his baby. He didn’t wake up again from its crying, but he doesn’t know if maybe his mum fed it or changed it.

He cups its bottom, feeling for wetness, thinks it’s okay, and decides against waking the infant unnecessarily for food. He carefully goes to the bedroom, walking as softly as possible, so that his mum can sleep in a little longer.

Cradling his baby, he settles himself onto the bed, shifting as quietly and smoothly as he can. The infant stirs and opens its eyes and looks up at him though. “Shhh,” Phil whispers.

It’s the first time he’s really let himself look at this baby without worrying about taking care of it, without having to pay attention to learning, and it looks up at him with blue eyes and he wonders if they’ll stay blue, if they’ll shift to green or hazel or brown, brown like Dan’s, which depending on the lighting shine with golden highlights or almost so dark they look black.

He leans forward and places a kiss to his baby’s forehead and slides a thumb inside its palm, letting it squeeze tight again. “Little guy, little guy,” Phil whispers even more softly. “Go back to sleep.”

He watches as it seems to listen, closing its eyes, face smoothing out into blissful blankness a minute later. Its fingers stay curled in a half-fist around his thumb and Phil holds his baby against his side as it lays on the bed next to him, carefully pulls his legs up so he can rest the book on them, and with his free hand, holds the book as he reads.

When his mother awakens about an hour later, that’s how she finds them still, and her presence startles Phil, and his sudden jerk awakens his baby, and now it is time to feed it and then change it, and he’s still clumsy with the diaper but it’s a little easier than last time.

Phil’s overwhelmed but at the same time he knows that this is easy, because his mum is around and when she leaves, he’s going to _really_ be overwhelmed.

“Why didn’t you do any research?” His mum asks as he cooks her breakfast of an English muffin and some eggs. “I mean, you knew you were having a baby for at least a few months, I imagine, and you decided to keep it.”

No, he didn’t, none of that, but there’s no use arguing because it’s not going to change. “I just…” he lies. “I figured it wouldn’t be that hard,” he lies. “I think my baby’s a week or so early,” he adds because the infant is underweight and it’s plausible. “So I thought I had time to research still.”

“But, still, Phillip, you waited until the last minute.” His mum sounds so disappointed in him and Phil feels horrible, even though he has no reason to.

“I’m sorry,” he says, wanting to drop the topic. “I’m learning now. I’m not going to let my baby get hurt because…” He sighs. “Because I didn’t do what I needed to for him.”

Phil thinks perhaps, now that he’s not so overwhelmed, his mother’s kindness is wearing off because her gaze doesn’t soften this time. Instead she eventually turns her head to look out the window.

“When will Dan be back?” she asks instead. Phil bites his inner cheek, hard.

 _I don’t know,_ he thinks. “I think later today. He just wanted to get out of our hair. He went back to visit his parents for the night.” The lie drops mostly evenly from his mouth.

“Well, hopefully you won’t be alone for too long and you’ll have Dan to talk to later after I leave.” His mum continues. Phil wonders if later, Dan will ring him and tell him that he’ll be getting his stuff and moving out.

That thought hurts too much to continue and he stops it there, sharp, biting his cheek again. “Probably not too long,” Phil agrees casually. He’s got the book in front of him and focuses his attention on it again to try and end the line of conversation.

It works and his mum lets him dissolve back into his reading. He’s almost halfway through it, up through the fifth month. However, he thinks it might be best to reread what he’s already read, because five months away isn’t nearly as important as today and tomorrow and the next couple of weeks, and so he starts skimming over the second chapter again, looking at things he highlighted yesterday but managed to forget in sleep and stress.

His mum finds a scrap piece of paper and is writing things down and Phil peers at it after a moment. It’s the start of the things for the baby shower that she’s going to help set up.

** Baby Shower suggestions **

**Swaddling blanket**

**Diapers**

**Changing station**

**White noise machine**

**Clothes**

Phil wouldn’t have actually asked for a white noise machine but the book did mention them. He thinks it might be a bit too much, something he should buy himself, but clothes, definitely. There’s so much that he needs to buy, to make sure he has in the flat. He hasn’t taken inventory of everything that he does have and that’s something he needs to do today.

He doesn’t even know if he has more clothes for his baby. He looks through a couple of the bags and finds a couple more pairs of onesies, a t-shirt and loose baggy baby-sized jeans, and is grateful for that much. He’ll have to go online and shop for more, get express delivery.

Phil thinks about all the things he has to buy and flinches inwardly on behalf of his bank account and the fact that for as much buzzing of a delivery man to the flat as he’s going to have going on, his poor baby isn’t going to get any sleep.

When his mum leaves a few hours later, she gives him a long hug, a kiss to the forehead. “You’re a foolish boy, Phil,” she tells him. Her words aren’t mean, though. “You take care. Call me if you want me to talk you through anything.”

Phil nods, letting her out, and then he’s alone again with his baby, who he goes and scoops up, holding close. “Little guy,” he says, “I’m scared I won’t be a good enough daddy for you,” and it’s true.

He wants his mum. He wants Dan there. Dan would make him laugh and distract him, Dan would reassure him and remind him that he’s going to do great, because Dan is unfailingly supportive of Phil.

Except for this, apparently, and Phil wants to text Dan but can’t bring himself to do it because he doesn’t want to hear bad news. So instead he chews his lip and says nothing and just hopes Dan comes back and it’s not to move out his stuff. He has so much to do today and he can’t think about Dan because it’ll only depress him.

He needs to put things away and clean the bottles from the formula, order a changing station and have it one-day delivered and text his mum so she doesn’t have it on her list.

He’s going to attempt to change his baby’s clothing and that’s going to be something he’s going to have to figure out all by himself and he thinks it shouldn’t be too hard, so long as his baby isn’t squirming around too much.

New clothing is going to mean another dresser that he’ll have to fit into his room, drawers that can store tiny baby clothes and anything else that might not fit in the bathroom or kitchen cabinets that aren’t essential.

It’s overwhelming. It’s scary. He still has no idea what he’s doing and now he’s really forced to learn without anybody and he can’t even think of a bloody name for his baby, but somehow he’s going to raise him. This still barely makes sense and he’s just going to have to stop trying to figure out how it’s happened and move on to what’s going to happen next.

“Come on, let’s go sit on the couch and watch some telly,” he says to his baby, frustrated, hot tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. “Maybe I’ll figure out a name for you.” Phil kisses the top of his baby’s head again, holding him up tight, wrapped up in blankets, and inhales the scent of baby smell and feels warmth spread through him.

“I’m scared but I’m going to do my best and just try to bear with me while I learn. I promise I won’t ever let you be scared or in pain if I can help it,” Phil murmurs. He slides his thumb into his baby’s palm and lets it latch on, squeezing. “There, see? I’m here and I will be whenever you need me.”

That much, he knows he can promise, and so as he carries his baby out to the lounge and settles onto the couch, turning on the television and getting them both comfortable, that’s something that helps make him feel a little more secure, a little less scared, holding his baby close and letting it squeeze his thumb, kissing its head and murmuring to it about the show they’re watching until his brain can start to relax, stop worrying for a few minutes.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a little shorter than the others. This takes place as the same time as chapter three, which is why it's a little shorter, because originally I was going to write the third chapter as several scenes jumping between their POVs but decided against it.

When Dan arrives home, he kisses his mum hello. He’d given her a quick call while he was stuffing things into his backpack at the flat, saying he missed home and wanted to come home for a bit and he must have sounded desperate enough that she hadn’t even asked why, just said yes.

 When she gently presses him on what’s going on, he bites back what he wants to say, which is Phil has a kid and he doesn’t know where the hell this kid has come from but Phil’s crazy enough to decide to keep it and how the hell is he supposed to do this, have a baby that neither of them know how to care for in their flat?

 Instead he just says that he’s been having bad dreams about her and dad lately, that he wanted to spend some time with them. He’s always welcome home, he knows that, and so she squeezes his shoulder with a soft hand and lets him get settled in.

 “Dan, would you rather have chicken or pasta tonight?” She asks as she leaves.

 “Whatever’s easiest on you,” Dan answers. One of the things that he’s noticed from living on his own is he’s learned to appreciate the effort that goes into cooking when he does cook.

 “Pasta it is,” she tells him. He unpacks his laptop and sets it up, then checks his phone and notes with a mixture of gratefulness and surprise that there are no messages from Phil. He’d imagined Phil might be texting him, “where are you, come back,” or something of that sort.

 He almost feels upset that Phil didn’t – Dan wonders if the situation were reversed if he’d do that for Phil. But he shakes that off and instead resolutely pulls up Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, scrolls through them, ignoring the thoughts of babies, of Phil raising a baby.

 That lasts about as well as it can, for maybe thirty minutes, and then Dan finds himself pushing up and away from where he’s sitting to walk to his mum, because he’s about to have a conversation that’s going to make no sense to either of them.

 He’s got to lie, though. He can’t just blurt out what’s happened, so he takes a minute to craft a lie. “So, mum,” he starts, and she glances at him, sitting at the table and reading a book. “I need to ask for some advice.”

 His mum lifts an eyebrow at that and slides a bookmark where she’s at, closing it. Dan gives her a dry look. “Don’t act so surprised,” he says, half-smiling. “Sometimes I still need your matronly advice.”

 “Matronly.” She murmurs. “That’s not quite a compliment.” Dan rolls his eyes, almost laughing.

 “Whatever. This is… really serious actually.” Dan pushes his fingers through the front of his hair, spiking it up, already frustrated at what he’s going to try to explain. “So, Phil… did something stupid.”

 He pauses but his mum says nothing. “I guess he got a girl pregnant nine months ago and they decided he’d have full parental rights. And I didn’t find out until the baby showed up today.”

 Dan wonders if there’s a ruler around that he can use to measure the sudden arch of his mother’s eyebrows. “And I don’t really know what to do. I mean, I don’t know if I can live with him and have a newborn baby crying all the time and … as far as I know, he doesn’t know what to do and I certainly don’t know what to do.”

 “What!” She’s too surprised to make that a question and Dan shakes his head.

 “Yeah, I’ve got no idea.”

 “And he didn’t tell you?” His mother asks, eyes narrowing. This is the part that Dan hates, because he’s going to have to lie now because there was no way Phil could have told him.

 “No, I don’t know if he thought I’d move out and he didn’t want me to or if he just was too scared to tell me or what but I had no idea.” Dan blusters his way through the lie.

 “Well, could you find somewhere else to stay? Of course, you’re always welcome here,” his mum adds, “but somewhere closer so you could still do your radio show? Because that’s something pretty big that he’s done and I don’t know if I could live with someone who did that.”

 She’s trying to be kind to him and encouraging and Dan thinks if this were him five years ago – well if this was him five years ago, there’s no way he’d have stayed with Phil, because he was eighteen then and there was no way he could even have tried to help raise a baby and she would have insisted he come home immediately.

 But this is different now, he’s twenty-three, going to be twenty-four in a month and a half and while he’s not looking to raise a baby, he’s got some life experience on him and his mum’s giving him that benefit, treating him like an adult.

 For lack of anything to do, Dan gets up and opens the fridge and roots through it, finds a block of cheese and contemplates making a sandwich before deciding that no, he doesn’t really want it that bad, and instead uses his fingers to break off a large chunk and nibbles at it as he takes a seat again.

 “Really, Daniel,” his mother chides him. “Get a plate, at least, and… you could have used a knife?” He mentally deducts a little bit of that “adult” thing he has going on in his head, because it’s true, and if she hadn’t told him to, he wouldn’t have, and honestly, the only reason he does get a plate is so she doesn’t chew him out.

 Back at the flat he would have just propped his feet up next to Phil, with the hunk of cheese – except they don’t buy hunks of cheese because Phil doesn’t like it and while Dan has nothing against cheese, he’s not one to buy blocks of it at a time unlike his mother, but if the situation were reversed, he’d pretend to wave it in Phil’s face until Phil moaned and smacked at him.

 It’s not even something that’s happened but it makes Dan have a faint pang of missing Phil and he’s only been gone for all of maybe three hours total. Phil is such an integral part of his life and the sudden idea that maybe he won’t be, he can’t be, makes it all the worse.

 He gnaws at the cheese until it’s gone and his mother is silent, letting him think, and finally Dan looks at her. “I don’t know, mum. I think for now I want to stay here.”

 It’s only a little past four and so Dan throws away the paper plate, half-wanders around the house and looks at everything like he’s forgotten where things might be, and then makes his way back to his bedroom and flops out onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

 He just needs to … not think about this. Not today. He thinks tonight, he’s going to have a drink or four and marathon something he hasn’t seen in a while, like 24, something that will engage his brain and he won’t have to let his brain wander back to what’s going on with Phil, with the baby that’s at the flat.

 Granted, drinking at twelve minutes past four is a bit embarrassing and so he decides to wait until, say, after dinner when he’s had something in his stomach and won’t be drunk within two drinks.

 It’s easy enough to get lost into a stream of Mythbusters on Netflix for now. He’ll do 24 later.

 Dinner comes and goes fairly quietly – Dan’s mum doesn’t push him and Dan instead talks about upcoming videos he’s thinking of making, for lack of anything else. Once he’s eaten two servings of pasta and vegetables, he kisses her on the cheek, does dishes without her needing to ask, and then heads out briefly to pick up a bottle of cherry vodka and some fizzy drink to mix it with.

 When he gets home and unpacks, his mother gives him a look. “Are you sure you should be drinking tonight?” She asks. Dan just rubs his face with his fingers as he twists the top on the bottle of vodka, hearing the crack of the cap, and starting to make his first one.

 “I just really want to not be thinking about Phil’s baby is all,” he says. “Just for tonight. I don’t want to be thinking about if I’m going to move out. Tonight, I want to pretend nothing is going on.”

 “That’s understandable, I guess. Just don’t overdo yourself. I’m not going to let you just lounge around here tomorrow if you’re sick to your stomach. You’re running errands with me tomorrow.” His mum tells him, no-nonsense.

 Dan nods at her and then retreats back to his bedroom with his first drink. He turns on 24 and starts it from season one and does his best not to think about Phil. Or the fact that he already misses Phil and wants to be watching 24 with Phil instead.

 He takes his time with the first couple of drinks but as the liquor hits him, he drinks faster, probably too fast, and when he looks at the clock and sees it’s only been three hours and he’s had four drinks, he’s not surprised when he teeters a little as he stands.

 Against better judgement, he makes a last drink, snagging a package of pop-tarts as he goes back to his room, because when he drinks, he gets hungry for sugary snacks and at least he’ll have something to put in his stomach when he’s about to go to bed.

 His interest in 24 is still there, but the alcohol in his system makes it hard for him to focus long enough on an episode and so he keeps going back to rewatch scenes that he’s half-missed, sipping the cherry vodka mixed with Sprite and actively fights thoughts of Phil entering his brain.

 It’s like he literally has to slam shut a door inside his head whenever a memory of Phil talking about this show pops up. _Stop thinking about him, brain, alright? Who knows if we’re going to even be living with him anymore._

 He doesn’t want to think about Phil, about moving out, moving all his stuff. Whether or not he’ll be able to look at gifts that Phil’s given him without being sad inside.

 It’s a lot harder to fight thoughts of Phil when he’s drunk, though, and eventually he turns off 24 and finishes his drink, eating one of the poptarts and sitting in his chair, eyes unfocused as he gets lost in his confusion and worries over what to do.

 When his mum comes to check on him when she goes to bed, he quickly drags himself out of his stupor as she opens his door and does his best to make it look like he’s been doing something on his computer.

 Dan’s not 100% sure he’s fooled her though, when she gives him a gentle kiss on the forehead and taps the rim of his glass. “You done?” She asks and he nods, because his eyes are bleary and his head is spinning a little. “Good.” She’s not chastising him, just reminding him to be careful.

 He decides that, rather than stay up until three in the morning staring at Tumblr or anything mundane, to just pass out early. Besides, that whole getting up and doing things with his mum probably wouldn’t allow for it.

 “Yeah, I’m heading to bed myself,” he tells her as she leaves, taking his glass with her to put in the dishwasher before she goes to bed because she’s a mother, that’s what mothers do, even for their grown sons.

 That brings to mind a train of thought about Phil, Phil cleaning up after the baby, Phil having to learn to put himself second all the time, and Dan glares at his floor, pushing himself up off his chair and going to brush his teeth before hitting the lights for his room.

 His head hits the pillow and his brain swirls. Definitely one drink too many. Sighing loudly, Dan rolls over and tucks his arm underneath his pillow, resting his head where the crook of his elbow lies.

 Even with the alcohol, it takes Dan a long time to fall asleep, vaguely dizzy as the alcohol messes with his brain and he keeps having to fight off thoughts of Phil that just come unrelentingly.

 He’s pretty sure this is the longest they’ve gone for some time without even texting each other, a grand total of ten hours. He wonders if the term “co-dependent” would come next to a picture of their faces in the dictionary. Stupid Phil with his baby, how the hell could he choose this?

 Dan’s drunken thoughts eventually shut down as his brain gets the better of him and he passes out and true to his mother’s word, she wakes up him by nine to get ready for the day and he’s got just a mild hangover, enough that his head throbs gently and his stomach feels woozy, too upset for breakfast.

 That morning, it’s odd not to wake up and talk with Phil, it’s odd to sit at the table and drink coffee alone, and every time Dan thinks about Phil, he thinks of the baby, and it all feels wrong, it feels like hurt and anger and he’s unusually quiet around his mother while they’re out. She doesn’t push and he doesn’t tell her what he’s thinking.

 He misses Phil, though. Even with all the anger and hurt and confusion. He misses Phil, his best friend, and he has no idea what to do.


	5. Chapter 5

Phil has a little notebook now, with important dates. The most urgent one is a two week follow up for shots for his baby and right now he’s researching doctors. The earliest he can get his baby in would be almost four weeks from now because they’re booked solid.

 In fact, the only day closest to two weeks he can get in, after calling around, is on May 3rdth, and he’s supposed to host the Internet Takeover with Dan the next day and he has no idea what he’s going to do with his baby then. But it’s the best he can do so he agrees, scribbling down the date and time in his notebook, and then calls his mum to ask if she’ll watch his baby the next day.

 She agrees, saying she’d like to spend some more time with her grandson, and it’s strange to hear her say that, it’s strange to call himself a dad, but he is one, he’s been a dad for four days now – Dan’s been gone three and Phil’s starting to worry that Dan won’t come back.

 He’s texted Dan several times, restraining himself as much as possible, and Dan hasn’t returned any of the texts. He’s updated his twitter and blog and made no mention of Phil’s baby, just a single tweet that was out of character for him reading _big life changes, not sure what to do, not a fan of what’s happening_. Phil hopes that it’s referring just to his baby, not to the idea of Dan moving out.

 Truth be told, he’ll raise this baby either way, but he doesn’t want to lose his best friend in the process. He wants Dan there too. It’s not Dan’s responsibility and Phil won’t make it, but having the support of his friend while he raises this baby would really help.

 Phil smiles as he thinks of something and picks up his phone to tweet _Dil is a good name, I think_. He hopes Dan will see it. He wouldn’t actually name his son Dil, but still.

 There’s no reply for a couple of hours and at that point, Phil decides to put his baby down for a nap – he’s exhausted and he’s pretty sure so is his kid, so he feeds his baby, changes his diaper, and sets him down in his crib, swaddled tight in a blanket.

 He’s running on about three hours sleep and so the second he crawls into his own bed and his head hits the pillow, he’s out like a log.

 

 “Phil, you are _not_ naming your child Dil, for the love of god, what is wrong with you?”

 Phil blinks muzzily at the noise and then jerks awake at Dan’s voice, seeing Dan standing next to his bed, holding his things that he left with, staring at him.

 “Please tell me you haven’t registered your child’s name as Dil?” Dan says, a bit pleadingly. Phil stares at him for a split second before pushing out of bed and wrapping Dan into a hug that winds up stumbling them back against the wall, muttering, “of course I didn’t, I’m not that dumb,” as he does so.

 Dan’s hesitant to return the hug and Phil starts to pull back, feeling awkward, over-emotional that Dan’s returned, but then Dan’s arms fall against Phil’s back and squeeze gently.

 “Are you… are you staying? Or just come back to get more things and you’re here to tell me you’re moving out?” Phil asks, torn between hugging Dan harder as if that could make him stay and letting go so he doesn’t come across as desperate. He opts for the latter, stepping back, staring at Dan, knowing his expression is probably scared.

 Dan sighs heavily and Phil’s heart crashes, his stomach drops out from underneath, and he nods and steps away.

 “No, Phil. I’m… I’m very confused and I still don’t quite know what to do but I’m staying for now.” Dan stands there and Phil lets out a breath he was holding and nods.

 “I’ve been thinking of names,” Phil says. “I’m leaning towards Charlie. It seems like a good name. He looks like a Charlie, anyways, out of all the names I was thinking of. I had Terrance, Charlie, Alan, and Murphy.”

 “If you named your son any of those besides Charlie, he’d never forgive you.” Dan says dryly. “I’m not sure any of your fans would either.”

 “I’d like to think they’d come around if I named him Terrance or Alan or Murphy,” Phil counters indignantly. “But I don’t know, I just like Charlie. It’s a sweet name, it makes me think of someone kind and trustworthy and hardworking.”

 Dan smiles a little at that. “How much hard work is he doing compared to you? Working hard at eating and having a poo?” Phil grins at that.

 “You wouldn’t believe how fast you catch on to being a parent,” Phil mumbles. “I’m glad my mum helped me out for a couple of days. I’m doing okay now, I think. Still a little freaked out, but at least I’m not afraid I’m not able to take care of him every moment of every day.”

 Dan nods at that, looking at the crib. “Charlie,” he murmurs. “Charlie Lester.” Phil wonders what time it is, because he’d laid down at half-past four and grabs his phone, seeing it’s just after six. He feels only mildly refreshed now that his relief that Dan’s returned is wearing off and has to fight off a yawn.

 “Charlie,” Phil says, cementing the name into his brain, finally giving his son a name. “Charlie, who needs a bath and a feeding soon.”

 Dan doesn’t say anything to that but pauses. “I’m going to go unpack and, I don’t know, did you want me to make something to eat? Because I’m hungry and I figure maybe if you wanted, while you were bathing him, I could make you something too?”

 It’s an olive branch, an apology of sorts for running out on Phil, and Phil accepts it gratefully. “Even a sandwich would be good.”

 Phil gently scoops up his baby, pressing Charlie against him and rubbing his back soothingly, and after a few moments, Charlie wakes up and lets out a soft noise and while Phil a few days ago would have been worried, Phil now recognises the noise as just a sleepy waking up noise, and Charlie stays quiet, letting his father carry him into the kitchen.

 He doesn’t have a baby resting station yet, he’s ordered one and it should come in by tomorrow he hopes, and so for now he sets Charlie in his stroller as he starts to prepare the formula.

 “I really don’t understand,” Dan comments. “How you woke up with a baby or the fact that you’ve decided to keep him. But it’s so Phil-like of you to do it, really and… I mean, I’m confused but I don’t really want to have to find a new place to move and you are my best friend so…”

 Phil looks at Dan as the water heats up, Charlie staring at them from his stroller. “I missed you,” he mutters. “I hated not talking to you and I don’t know, I think you might have enjoyed seeing me frantically try to figure out all these new things I’m doing for Charlie. Laughed at me a little. Especially trying to figure out how to one-handed change a diaper while holding Charlie with the other.”

 Dan does laugh at that. “I missed you too,” he admits. Phil wants to reach over and hug him again. “I missed my best friend and I felt awful ignoring your messages but I needed some time to think and I decided to come back and it’s a good thing I did because halfway here on the train I saw your tweet and seriously, Dil?”

 “I was never that serious,” Phil assures him. “I did it mostly in hopes you’d notice and tweet back at me, maybe.”

 “I think between what I tweeted and you tweeted, half the world thinks we’re having a baby and naming it Dil. So, good job you.  I don’t think your fans will be too surprised when you tell them.” Dan murmurs. “Also, three days without seeing each other and you’re hugging me like there’s no tomorrow and we’re confessing we missed each other. Do you ever think we’re too close for our own good?”

 Phil snorts at that and does reach forward to hug Dan again, less tightly, and Dan returns the hug more easily. “That’s a yes,” Dan says. “Let go of me, you oaf.” There’s no meanness in his voice and Phil steps back. “Well, at least one of us is pathetic for missing the other so much,” Dan adds and Phil shrugs.

 “I’ll take pathetic with my best friend back any day,” Phil tells Dan honestly and Dan smiles at that after a moment.

 “Yeah, alright.”

 Dan sets about making them sandwiches and crisps on two paper plates while Phil feeds Charlie, whose appetite seems to grow every day as he devours the entire half-bottle that Phil gives him and burps readily with a few gentle rubs and pats along his back.

 “Delicious,” Dan comments. “Really makes one’s stomach growl, hearing borderline baby spit-up.”

 “Shut up.” Phil replies. “Now go sit down and eat, I need the sink to wash Charlie. He hasn’t had a bath since my mum left.” It surprises him that he only needs to wash Charlie maybe twice a week, but having found out that babies don’t excrete sweat and oil as much as they will once they grow up and that over-bathing can irritate their skin, he’s held off from washing Charlie again until now.

 Leaning in and sniffing his baby, he’s still surprised to find that Charlie doesn’t really stink yet, still has that milky smell of formula hanging around him from feeding just.

 Still, Phil goes through the process of washing Charlie gently and Dan watches as he eats his sandwich and crisps, stealing a couple of Phil’s as well.

 “Hey, leave my food alone,” Phil grouches at him as he rinses off Charlie. “I’m a starving man, haven’t had a decent meal in three days because I’m too busy making sure this little guy is okay.”

 Dan looks at him, steals a final crisp, and bites it with a crunch, defiantly. “You’re a nightmare of a flatmate,” Phil tells him. “What with stealing my food and me moving furniture to find twelve thousand different things behind it that you’ve dropped rather than put away.”

 “Stealing your food? Cereal eater!” Dan retorts, pointing at one of his empty boxes of cereal that Phil’s finished off since Dan left.

 “Well, it’s a fast meal, when you’ve got to worry about a baby,” Phil tries to defend himself but he can’t, really, and he has the grace to look shameful a second later. Turning off the water, he wraps Charlie up in a towel and starts to dry him. “Damn, Dan, can you go into my bedroom and get the pyjamas with the llamas on them?”

 “Llama pyjamas?” Dan asks and they both grin a second later at the rhyme he’s just made. “You make your son wear llama pyjamas?”

 “Just go get them, please,” Phil requests and Dan gets up as Phil sits and grabs his own sandwich with one hand, managing to wolf down a few bites before Dan returns.

 Phil's ordered a baby changing station rush express and he's placed it in the living room because he’d prefer his bedroom not smell of diapers and baby waste and the living room is more open and airier. He settles Charlie into it as he eases the fresh clothing onto his baby.

 Phil’s phone rings not long after that and when he answers, it’s his mum, letting him know that if he’s not doing anything on the 1st of May, she’s managed to set up a last minute baby shower and while most people can’t come, they’ve all said they’ll buy something and send it and hopefully by then most of the gifts will have arrived.

 “Yeah, uh, that would be great. I’d really appreciate it.” He’s talked to his mum every day and she knows what he’s learned he needs but doesn’t have and what he’s ordered already, so he supposes she knows what to tell everybody else what to think about buying him.

 “Alright, well, you just get here around noon then, and we’ll have a little party and celebrate your being a new parent,” and she sounds slightly hesitant there still.

 “I’m doing a lot better, mum. Thanks to you.” Phil says. “And, uh, I picked a name for him. We’re going to call him Charlie.”

 “Charlie,” she says. “It’s a nice name. I think it fits him. How is he doing?” Phil scoops up his baby and holds him to his chest while Dan flips through the television, looking for something to watch.

 “He’s doing good – just fed him and bathed him. Dan woke us up from a nap earlier,” and his mum cuts in with, “So he’s back?” to which Phil assures her that Dan’s back and staying flatmates with him because while he hadn’t explained just how worried he was, she’d been confused as to why Dan hadn’t returned after the first day.

 They talk for a couple of minutes and then Charlie begins to make whiffling noises that Phil has come to recognise are a precursor to crying and so he hangs up, getting up and gently bouncing Charlie in his arms, sing-speaking to him softly.

 Dan watches all of this silently and when Phil passes by, he comments, “You’ve really picked up on all this,” softly. Charlie’s still making distressed noises, but he’s not full-blown crying, and so Phil just nods and continues to pace the flat until Charlie’s worked whatever upset out of him. He checks Charlie’s diaper for wetness but it’s okay, he knows that Charlie’s not hungry, probably not tired, and thinks it’s just Charlie being a temperamental baby at the moment.

 Still, he puts Charlie in his crib and heads back to where Dan’s sitting. “Find anything worth watching?” He asks.

 Dan shrugs. “I watched a load of 24 while I was at home. Want to pick up where I left off? Third season, episode five?”

 “Yeah, just keep it down. I’m hoping Charlie will fall asleep again soon and I don’t want to wake him if he does.” Phil answers.

 He takes his place beside Dan on the couch and although he’s interested in the show, he’s still tired and the relief that Dan’s back has brought on the post-anxiety exhaustion and he makes it all of fifteen minutes into the episode before he falls asleep, eyes drooping shut against his will.

 

 Dan eyes Phil as Phil slides slowly down the couch until he’s half-lying on Dan, and Dan simply shifts to allow them to both be a bit more comfortable. He turns down the episode even more so that it doesn’t wake up Phil either and after the forty-odd minutes are up, he gets up, placing a pillow under Phil’s head, and goes to look at Charlie, who's sleeping as well.

 Charlie’s mouth is parted and Dan, half out of instinct, reaches down and brushes a finger against the baby’s cheek, and Charlie tilts his head, making an odd motion like suckling at nothing with his lips, but doesn’t wake.

 Dan’s seen how much Phil cares about this baby. In his eyes, there’s nothing but love and adoration, even when his eyes and mouth crease with worry when Charlie starts to make upset noises or as he, still somewhat unsure of himself, washed off his baby.

He strokes two fingers over Charlie’s forehead, against the silky hair, which is a few shades lighter than Phil’s natural hair colour. “You seem like a good baby,” Dan whispers. “Like you haven’t made it too hard on Phil.”

Charlie yawns a little, head falling to the side slightly as Dan continues to touch his forehead. “But I imagine it won’t be easy for him being a single parent. So, I guess even though I don’t get you yet, I don’t know how you’ve happened or why he’s keeping you besides I know he loves you already, I’ll try to help him.”

Charlie’s eyes open halfway as he looks at Dan talking to him, yawns again, and then closes them, returning into whatever dreamland he’s in.

Dan spots one of Phil’s books on raising a baby and picks it up, starting at the beginning, feeling like he’s studying again for an exam as he tries to take in all the information and about twenty minutes later, jumps when Phil enters the room.

“Dan? What are you doing?” Phil asks, automatically crossing to look at Charlie and reaching down to stroke his son gently before coming to sit next to Dan on the bed.

“Just … reading. Learning about how to take care of a baby. I know it’s not easy and I guess I don’t think you should have to go through this alone so tomorrow, if you want, you can teach me everything you’ve learned.” Dan says. “And can I borrow this?” He holds up the book to which Phil nods.

 “I’m up to about five months in anyways, so it’s not like I need it immediately. There’s so much information though, things I’d never think of, all the signs of what Charlie should be doing at this age.” Phil says.

 “Yeah, I can imagine.” Dan says. They fall silent again. “I didn’t want to wake you,” Dan adds.

 “I just woke up anyways. I’ve started having trouble sleeping even when I’m exhausted, I keep waking up to make sure Charlie’s okay.” Phil says.

 “See, you’re a good parent,” Dan jokes. “But if you want, after tomorrow, if I’m home and you want to take a nap, I can keep an eye on Charlie so you can get rest because… you really do look tired. Got some dark shadows under your eyes, Philly.”

 “Don’t call me Philly,” Phil grumbles. He rubs his face blearily. “But yeah, tomorrow, I’ll show you everything I know.”

 “Good. I’m gonna go read this for a while, get a head-start.” Dan answers, standing up.

 “Have fun,” Phil says. “I think I’m gonna just figure out how to tell the world I have a baby. Start working on a video. I’m gonna have to explain this as best I can and also figure out how to make sure the more zealous fans know to respect the boundaries of Charlie and me.”

 Dan nods at that. “You figure that out, I’ll figure out how to change a diaper.” He leaves the room with a final glance at the sleeping baby, letting Phil settle in with his laptop, hearing Phil typing up notes to himself for the video as he goes, settling into his own room and opening the book again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the length of time between posting. I started a new job and haven't had much time/inspiration to write. Also, re: the name of Charlie - I know about the drama between Charlie of charlieskies and Phil/Dan, but I didn't when I conceived of the fic or the name and I couldn't bring myself to change it. I hope you can all ignore that ugly mess of a fight that they had and instead focus on the adorableness that is Charlie the baby in this story. :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I hope this story doesn't feel rushed to you guys, because I definitely don't want to rush it. Please let me know if you feel like it is, and I'll do my best to undo that. I hope this chapter makes you smile because it's a little shmoopy.

Phil manages to pass out around ten that night, hearing Dan still up, supposing that Dan will be doing his usual up until four in the morning thing and figuring that he might hear him when he wakes up in an hour and a half to feed his baby.

He’s got alarms set on his phone with alerts – every hour and a half for food, plus every three hours to check Charlie’s diaper, and he hopes that soon enough Charlie will fall into a routine where he can lay them both down for regularly scheduled naps.

Phil had known he wouldn’t be getting enough sleep for a while but he’d forgotten how bad sleep deprivation is. He misses sleep. He  _really_ misses sleep.

He lies down, hearing Charlie’s breathing, and closes his eyes and drifts into sleep before being woken up a little before the alarm goes off to Charlie’s peaky cry. “Hungry or wet?” Phil mumbles to himself as he swings himself out of bed resolutely, exhaustedly, reaching down and cradling his baby.

Both, it turns out, and so he changes Charlie’s diaper and his pyjamas, then feeds him, jumping when his phone goes off with the most soothing sound he could find on his phone to not scare his baby, hoping it’s still enough that it will wake him no matter how dead-asleep he is, and hears Dan come out of his room as Phil holds his baby tight.

He’s got one arm under Charlie, holding the baby tight, keeping the bottle elevated so there’s no air in it for his baby to suction down and he fuzzily mutters that to Dan, since Dan wants to learn.

Phil stares at the clock. Midnight. Charlie’s going to be a week old in eight hours, roughly. He can’t believe that, that he’s holding a week-old baby. He can’t believe how much he loves his baby already.

Phil drops a kiss to Charlie’s soft forehead, as the baby twists in his hold and pulls away from the bottle. “Had enough?” He asks, letting Charlie settle down and bringing the bottle back. Charlie gives a couple more half-hearted swallows but turns his head again.

“Okay, little guy. Let’s get you back into bed in a minute.” Dan watches Phil silently as Phil goes about seeing if Charlie needs to be burped and Phil tries to keep a running explanation of everything even though his brain  _still_ hasn’t brought itself up to snuff yet and he wants nothing more than to sleep.

When Charlie burps, up comes a little of the milky formula and Phil almost curses because he forgot a towel over his shoulder and his t-shirt now has a thin stream of the formula running down the shoulder and back.

But at least he can put Charlie down now and so Dan follows him as Phil settles Charlie back down, lightly tickling at one of Charlie’s feet. “Good night, little guy, see you in like, another hour and a half. You’re going to be the best fed baby in all of Britain, even if I’m a living zombie.” Phil tells his baby and Charlie yawns at him in response.

Phil tugs off his shirt and reaches for another one in his dresser, tugging it on without looking at it, dropping his phone nearby and crawling into bed.

Dan sits beside him on the bed carefully, giving Phil plenty of space to move. “Is it really every hour and a half?” He asks. “I mean the book says it is and you say it is but I can’t believe it.”

Phil lets out a noise that is supposed to be a yes but his face is mashed into the pillow and he’s trying to stay awake enough to answer Dan but it just isn’t going to happen. “Sleep, Dan. I’ll explain when I’ve had some coffee tomorrow.”

A second later, Dan’s hand comes to rest on Phil’s hair and stroke. “What the…” Phil flops onto his back and stares at Dan who lets out a quiet laugh.

“Charlie’s hair is so soft. I was just comparing it to yours. Yours isn’t nearly as soft.”

“That’s because I dye it and use crap ghd product, remember?” Phil grumbles. “I have to be up in an hour and a half to feed my baby, Dan.”

“Yeah. G’night, Phil.” Dan says, pushing off the bed and Phil hears his footfalls as Dan leaves the room.

The next seven hours pass in a hazy wave of waking, feeding, checking the baby, changing him, and passing out again until the seven o’clock alarm brings Phil out of his sleep and he automatically gets up to check on Charlie.

His baby is sleeping peacefully, showing no indication that he’s hungry, and Phil will ask the doctor if he needs to wake his baby if Charlie is sleeping and doesn’t seem hungry but for now, he doesn’t want to malnourish his baby and all the books say baby fat will disappear and so Phil doesn’t care about overfeeding.

He heard Dan at one, but not at two-thirty when he was up, and wonders if Dan’s sleep schedule is slightly more regulated after staying with his parents, who probably wouldn’t have appreciated Dan being up until all hours of the night.

Phil can’t wait for the baby shower, for all the things he needs that he doesn’t have, though things should start arriving today, things he’s ordered on the internet, like a little station for him to put Charlie in so that he’s not always in his crib, so that Phil can let him sit in the living room with him without having to hold him.

More toys, age appropriate, more diapers, more formula, clothes. Phil’s bank account has taken quite the blow.

For now, Phil sits down on the couch, holding Charlie to him, fighting the urge to sleep. “You got five hours for the most part, Phil. Make that enough for now.” He orders himself. He wants to be awake at 8:05 to wish Charlie a happy week old birthday, and it’s silly and stupid but his son has been alive for a week and that seems like something to commemorate.

Phil gets phone out and settles Charlie carefully against the couch, letting go only for the briefest of times it takes to snap a photo and send it to Dan, to his parents, to Louise. _Happy One Week Of Being Alive, Charlie Lester,_ he texts, at precisely 8:05.

Dan stumbles out of his room a minute later, holding his phone. “Why in gods name are you up so early?”

“Charlie was born a week ago right this time,” Phil says. “He’s a week old. I wanted to have that photo to celebrate it. Go back to bed.”

Dan shakes his head. “I guess I’ll stay up for now. If you’re going to show me what to do anyways. I’ll sleep tomorrow.” He’s speaking in stilted, half-sentences, not fully coherent yet. Phil’s managed to break free of that problem.

“Can you hold Charlie for a few minutes? I want to get some coffee going.” Phil says. His phone buzzes and he gets a text from Louise saying,  _Charlie? Good name. He looks like you. Thanks for the photo._

_Don’t share it, please, I’ll be explaining what’s happened in a video soon._ Phil doubts she would have, but wants to cover his bases anyways.

He heads into the kitchen and starts percolating some coffee. Peeking his head around into where Dan’s got Charlie, carefully and slightly awkwardly held in his arms, he asks quietly, “Can I have some of your cereal?” Dan’s got Captain Crunch and Phil’s only got Cheerios and Captain Crunch sounds way better than Cheerios.

“I might just drop this baby,” Dan says, “for the fact that you actually asked for once.”

“Please don’t drop my baby,” Phil requests. “Is that a yes or no?”

“Go on, have it. You asked, at least.” Dan nods at him. Phil bolts down a bowl as fast as he can and washes out the bowl, grabbing a cup of coffee now that it’s done. He heads back to where Dan’s sitting and smiles a little – Dan’s settled a little and he’s got one finger brushing over Charlie’s arm, so little that he can sweep nearly the entire length of it with his thumb.

“Coffee’s ready. You can hand him back over if you want.” Phil says. “Gotta do the diaper and food check anyways in a few minutes.”

“Um, what if, maybe you showed me? Or let me? So I can learn,” Dan stammers out, sounding nervous. Nervous because he doesn’t know what to do or nervous because he’s not sure if he should be doing these things, because he’s still unsure about Phil’s decision to keep the baby?

Phil figures it’s probably both but nods readily. “Okay, well, come on, come into the kitchen with him, I’ll show you how to make formula. We’ll do the diaper afterwards.”

It’s strange, that it’s only Phil’s fourth day by himself of taking care of Charlie, yet he feels relatively confident in guiding Dan, who does exactly as Phil tells him.

“How do you know if it’s too hot?” Dan asks. “I mean, I don’t exactly trust the wrist test, maybe it’s still too hot.”

“If it doesn’t burn your wrist, it should be okay, it should just be like, lukewarm. You know what lukewarm feels like.” Phil tells Dan, but Dan just shakes it once more on his wrist and shrugs.

“Maybe I’m wrong, here, taste it or something.” Dan tells him. Phil gives him a look.

“Taste it? What, my tongue is the temperature taker?” He argues. He shakes it on his own wrist and judges it to be just fine and is about to hand it to Dan but he is kind of curious about the taste and so he lifts it to his mouth and lets a few drops fall onto his tongue without wrapping his lips around the nipple, keeping it clean for Charlie.

It tastes… strange. That’s for sure. He voices as much and then hands to bottle to Dan, expecting him to start feeding Charlie, but Charlie has to wait as Dan imitates Phil and tastes it, wrinkling his nose slightly at the taste. “Weird.”

“Would you just feed my baby and stop wasting all the formula, that stuff isn’t exactly cheap,” Phil grumps at him.

Phil helps Dan, keeping his elbow lifted so the formula stays at the front, no air bubbles, and then puts a towel over Dan’s shoulder, remembering his own failure to do so last night, and takes Dan’s hand, guides it for a minute in gentle rubs, and lets Dan take over after that until Charlie hiccups and spits and the towel catches it.

Phil feels Charlie’s diaper and it’s indeed, heavier and indicates he needs to be changed and so he guides Dan through that as well.

“So why are you doing this?” He asks, a little too casually, because this isn’t Dan’s baby and Dan was certainly adamantly against Phil raising Charlie.

Dan rubs his face. “I guess… I was looking at him and I knew you were keeping him and so I’m gonna help. I mean, being a single parent wouldn’t be easy, and I mean I’m obviously  _not_ his parent, but if you ever needed a nap or something, I’d want to be able to help you out. You’d do the same for me, wouldn’t you?”

Dan picks up Charlie and checks that the diaper is secure, settling onto the couch and sitting Charlie in his lap as he flips through the channels, holding Charlie securely with one hand.

Phil yawns and nods. “I’d do the same for you.” He takes a long sip of his coffee, strong and hot and delicious, and after a moment, Dan steals Phil’s cup, as his own is still in the kitchen, and does the same.

“Gross, Dan germs.” Phil pretends to be offended.

“I’ve got gross Phil germs in my mouth,” Dan replies, holding the coffee mug out to Phil again. He doesn’t let go of Charlie when he gets up and comes back with his own coffee a minute later, even when Phil offers to take him.

In fact, he’s smiling a little as he carries Charlie. “He’s a hefty little thing.”

“Yeah, well, he was a little underweight when he was born, apparently, for what the book says he should weigh, so I’ve been feeding him no matter whether he seems hungry or not. He’s probably gained a pound at this rate.” Phil remarks.

He hasn’t noticed a weight change, but a pound makes no difference really, and he’s already grown used to the weight of Charlie in his lap and arms. In fact, he almost misses Charlie’s weight, even though his baby is right next to him.

Dan settles on the floor with Charlie and lets Charlie lay on the floor on his back, leaning over and sticking out his tongue. “The book says that they can already start to recognise faces and expressions and to do things like this,” Dan mentions.

Phil can’t help but fight back a laugh as Dan makes face after face to Charlie, smiling and then frowning and then sticking out his tongue again, pulling his face into a weird scrunchy thing, and Charlie stares at Dan, apparently fascinated.

“You look like an idiot,” Phil tells Dan, who twists around, face still contorted and Phil does break then, laughing helplessly.

“Come join me,” Dan requests simply, and so Phil settles on the floor next to Dan, and for the next few minutes, they take turns making faces at Charlie, who lets his eyes drift somewhat towards them individually.

Phil lifts up Charlie’s shirt and leans in and blows a little tummy fart on his son’s skin and Charlie’s mouth opens a little. Even though books say that most babies won’t smile until they’re about two months old, Phil chooses to interpret this as a smile and does it again, making Charlie make a soft, ‘ahh’ noise.

For the next four hours, Dan barely lets Phil hold Charlie at all, doing the feeding and changing and holding him, talking to Charlie, much like Phil did the first day when he was all alone, telling Charlie stories at Phil, smiling more and more as he does, as Charlie stares at him, when Charlie grabs hold of Dan’s finger and squeezes, and Phil watches, seeing Dan’s smile, feeling relief settle through him when he knows that Dan is starting to like his baby.

At some point, Phil’s mum texts him with a confirmation that she likes the name Charlie still and asks how Phil’s doing. Phil sneaks a quick five second video of Dan talking to Charlie and sends it to his mum with a reply of  _Good, Dan’s bonding. I think he’s coming around._

And sure enough, several of his things arrive and he gets them when the door buzzes, toys and clothes mostly.

Eventually, his exhaustion wears him down and he asks Dan if he can take a nap, if Dan will be okay without him for an hour. Dan nods and tells Phil to leave his phone, so that when the alarms go off, Dan knows when to change or feed Charlie and Phil lets him have his phone, heading into his bedroom.

Dan lets him sleep for way more than an hour, for almost two and a half hours before Phil jerks awake instinctively for Charlie, who isn’t there.

Charlie needs a nap, Phil knows that, and he looks in his crib, but Charlie isn’t there, so he goes straight to the living room and sees Dan there with Charlie, Charlie held to his chest, but both of them are sleeping, Netflix having timed out to its black screen.

Phil stands there, not even realising he’s smiling, and then gets his laptop, bringing it out and sitting on the opposite end of the couch so that he doesn’t wake them, keeping an eye on Dan’s grip, unconsciously still supporting Charlie.

He thinks it’s amazing that even in sleep, if he or Dan is holding Charlie, their body knows to keep the baby close, upright. He’s almost done scripting out what he wants to say and so he types for a little bit, rewording things.

After a little while, the typing must wake up Dan or something, because he opens his eyes blearily and tightens his grip on Charlie even as he stares at Phil. “Oh. I fell asleep,” he says a little stupidly.

“Yeah, I came to get Charlie down for a nap but he’s having one right now,” Phil speaks in a hushed tone, so he doesn’t wake up his son, and Dan’s voice drops to match.

“Yeah, he fell asleep right after his last feeding. So… maybe… an hour and twenty minutes ago? Did you want to wake him up to feed him?”

Phil nods, reaching for Charlie instinctively, and Dan lets go even as Charlie’s grip on Dan’s shirt tightens for a second before he wakes up.

He starts to cry as he’s momentarily unsupported as they pass him, and it’s the first time that he’s cried all day – Phil’s thankful that Charlie’s a quiet baby in that regard, he doesn’t cry much for food or needing a diaper change – though probably because Phil is keeping up the schedule of feeding him and checking the diaper so regularly, and really only cries when he’s startled.

“No, shhhh, shhhh, little guy, shush, I got you, Dan was just giving you to me,” Phil sing-songs. “Little guy, little guy, hush, you’re safe, you’re right here,” and Dan has this look on his face, something like fondness.

He goes through the now routine motions of feeding his baby and burping him and soothing him back into a state of sleepiness, going back to where Dan’s in the living room, watching Netflix again.

“Um, if you want, you can have him again for a bit,” Phil says. “I’m gonna make the video.” He says the words tightly, because he’s nervous.

Dan nods. “Yeah, alright.” He stands up and crosses over to get Charlie but before he does, he squeezes Phil’s shoulder, then after a moment, hugs Phil. “You’ll be fine. It’s gonna be fine, don’t worry, your fans will be okay with it. I mean, ninety percent of them are decent enough to chew out the ones who freak out.”

“Yeah.” Phil lets himself relax as Charlie is pressed between him and Dan, as Dan hugs him, because he needs that physical comfort for how nervous he is. He’s going to include the photo he took of Charlie today, but that’s all they’re going to see of his baby in the video.

Dan’s fingers move across his back gently for a second and when he pulls back, he also pulls Charlie back into his arms. “Fat baby,” he tells Charlie and Phil hears affection in his voice.

Phil smiles shakily. “Don’t call my baby fat and give him a complex.”

“Nah, probably he’ll have inherited your genes and wind up skinny as a rail and tall soon enough,” Dan tells him. “Go on, make the video. I’ll keep an eye on Charlie. I think I know what I’m doing now.”

So Phil makes his way into the bedroom and sets everything up and looks at the outline for what he wants to say once more before launching into the video.

It’s not going to be a long video and so it doesn’t take long to make, putting the picture of Charlie at the very end, and Phil watches it once before uploading it to Youtube.

_“Hey guys, this is an update – some of you might have seen Dan’s tweet and my tweet and are wondering what that’s all about. Well, this is something that I’m kind of nervous to put up so I ask that you all be respectful about it.”_ Phil watches himself. He’s evidently nervous but he’s not going to rerecord it.

_“I have a baby. I didn’t want to announce it until now.”_ That’s the lie he came up with.  _“His name is Charlie and he’s a week old today. I’m not going to be showing you any videos of him yet, because I want you to respect his and my privacy for now. Eventually I’ll put some videos up, probably. But I’m still learning how to be a dad. Dan knows, obviously. He’s decided he wants to learn and help out, which is nice – it means I got a nap in today when I normally wouldn’t have gotten as much sleep.”_

He’d settled in at this point and looks calmer and he’d edited out some of the rambling about what Dan had done all day with the baby. The video’s only about a minute and a half long in the end.

_“Anyways, that’s all I wanted to say is yeah, I have a baby. Dan’s okay with it, and if you see me and Dan and my baby out and around, please don’t come running up, please let us be for now, alright? And please don’t go speculating about things. Or writing fanfiction, that is a big thing I would really like you not to do. I’ll keep you guys informed with some information, I promise. I know this is a big shock, trust me, it’s one to me too, but I just wanted to let you all know. So… that’s all.”_

There’s no Draw Phil Naked, no click to subscribe. He’s not putting that in there. Instead, there’s just the photo of Charlie for three seconds, and then the fade to black to end the video.

He hesitates for a little bit before uploading it and tweeting,  _new video – please pay attention to what I say_ with a link. Covering his face with his hands, he takes his laptop and phone back into the other room, where Dan’s got Charlie nestled against the couch, head propped up, and is playing on his phone.

“It’s uploaded.” Phil says simply. Dan looks up. And within minutes, both of their phones explode in notifications, tweets coming at them, comments on Phil’s video. A lot of the fans are freaking out but a few of them are being supportive, no questions asked, and for now, Phil decides to just ignore it all until it dies down and he’ll address people then.

They do their best to ignore the buzzing of their phones, the fact that even Dan’s getting inundated with messages from people, that they’re getting text messages from friends, and instead they play with Charlie again, where Phil supports Charlie under his bum and Dan holds his arms and they ‘walk’ him back and forth between them, talking idly even as Phil’s stress levels rise, nerves making him want to check his phone.

More than once, Dan reminds Phil that it’s going to be okay and finally Phil snaps, his stress levels overwhelming him. He doesn’t get angry, he just gets exhausted, and it’s only nine, but he wants to lie down and sleep for hours on end.

“I’ll take him,” Phil says. “I’m going to bed. I just … need to not be awake. Though who knows if I’ll sleep.”

Dan, who had been tapping at Charlie’s toes and counting them out loud, having said something about getting Charlie used to both of their voices, nods and carefully picks up Charlie, but doesn’t hand him to Phil, instead, going to Phil’s bedroom and putting Charlie into the crib himself.

And even though they’ve hugged three times in the last day, which is more than they usually hug in a couple of weeks, Dan pulls Phil in again and it’s tight and secure and Phil holds onto him. “It’s alright, Phil,” Dan says. “Um, this is gonna sound weird but… did you want me to sleep here tonight on the floor so if you wanted me to, I could help out? Feeding and whatnot, so you can sleep more? We can take turns?”

Phil stares at him and holds up his hands. “I… if you want? I guess? Why?”

Dan looks down at Charlie and smiles and it stretches his face, until his dimples peak, and the smile settles Phil’s nerves because it’s so radiant and beautiful and for a split second, he thinks how beautiful Dan is and his heart swells with thankfulness that Dan’s here.

“I get it now.” Dan says, looking at Charlie. “I’m gonna stay and help you raise your kid, because I get it now.” He brushes a finger almost as tenderly as Phil does to Charlie’s skin. “It’s hard not to want to even after just a day.”

“Give it five, you’ll know how I feel now about him,” Phil offers shakily. His relief is palpable and he watches Dan stroke his fingers over Charlie’s skin over and over.

“I can’t imagine how much you must love him, he’s your son,” Dan says, seriously. “I mean, I can’t even fathom it. Neither of us get how this happened but it did and he’s here and I’m here too for you, okay?”

“Yeah,” Phil nods. “Thanks. For today. For everything.”

That Dan is here, staying, and that Dan has fallen in love with his son, that’s enough to help carry Phil into sleep relatively quickly and he wakes up when his alarm goes off to feed Charlie, and he wakes up again when Dan shuffles into his room with pillow and blanket and settles himself onto the floor, assuring Phil he’ll get the next round.

Then, he sleeps dreamlessly again, hearing Charlie’s breathing, hearing Dan’s breathing, and it all melts together as he finds himself more peaceful than he’s been since this all started.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More schmoop. I hope this feels realistic, please let me know if it doesn't. I'll do my best to fix it. As always, I've never raised a baby so I'm sure I'm lacking somewhat on babyraising skills.

When Charlie’s cries awaken Phil, Dan must not have been asleep yet because Phil’s barely coherent and he hears Dan getting to his feet, pushing back blankets on the floor.

He doesn’t know why Dan’s offered to sleep on the floor because Dan and him have shared a bed before and he mumbles as much, propping himself up on one elbow as he watches Dan pick up Charlie.

“Hang on,” Dan tells him, disappearing with a crying baby and Phil listens as the crying continues, looking at his phone. 12:51, so almost time for the one o’clock feeding. But five minutes later, Charlie’s crying louder than ever, and when his alarm goes off at one, Phil gets out of bed to see what Dan is doing.

Dan has Charlie in his arm, bottle in the other, and he’s trying to steer the bottle into Charlie’s mouth, as Charlie refuses it over and over again. “C’mon, Charlie, it’s time to eat,” Dan says, a little nervously.

“Here,” Phil offers. “Maybe he wants me? I’m up anyways.” He reaches for his son and Dan lets Phil have Charlie, trying once more with the bottle before abandoning that to Phil. “If you want to lie down, you can. Seriously, why are you on the floor?”

“I know we’ve shared a bed in the past, but I mean, that was just one night only usually. If I was planning on staying in your room to help out for more than one night, for a while, I figured it would be better to just stay on the floor – my blanket’s comfortable enough on the rug and that way it wouldn’t get weird.” Dan explains, sitting in a kitchen chair, not heading back to his bedroom.

Phil tries to get Charlie to feed but can’t, instead hearing his son screaming on. “Come on, little guy, what’s going on? You’ve been such a good baby, why are you doing this?”

There’s no reasoning with a week old baby, however, and Dan sits there, head in his hand, trying to stifle a yawn, staring at them tiredly and offering advice as best he can.

“Try bopping him around, maybe he wants to be rocked or something.”

Phil does that, setting the bottle down and first gently bouncing Charlie in his arms, Charlie’s chest pressed against his, supporting his neck, fingers stroking over the soft, fine hair at the base of it.

After five minutes of that, however, the screaming continues unabated and he switches to cradling Charlie, rocking him back and forth slowly, talking to him, and Charlie’s eyes are wet and red, tears streaming from them, streaking his cheeks.

“What do I do?” Phil asks Dan and Dan gestures helplessly, the same way he had only five days ago when they’d first discovered this baby, except this time Dan stands up and reaches over, brushing his fingers over Charlie’s arms and then down his legs, trying to soothe him with touch, and that seems to briefly help, Charlie hiccupping and quieting for a second until his scream fills the room again.

“Come on, Charlie, be a good baby, you’ve been so good for me until now,” Phil pleads. “You’ve barely cried.” He hates hearing his son cry. It’s the worst noise in the world, because he doesn’t know how to fix it, and this cry is different from the hungry cry, it’s just an upset cry.

But when Dan does the hands thing again, stroking his fingers over Charlie’s tummy, smoothing down the pyjamas, then across his thighs, Charlie’s scream quiets to a whimper and Phil jerks his head towards the bottle.

With one hand, Dan grabs it while Phil slowly goes to the living room, Dan’s other hand still rubbing little circles across Charlie’s arms and legs and stomach and Charlie’s cries become quieter and quieter until it’s just whimpering, eyes still wet, staring at Dan unfocusedly.

When Dan stops, Charlie hesitates and then starts to cry again and Phil takes the moment to press the nipple of the bottle to his son’s mouth and that seems to distract him long enough to suck at it a few times, hiccupping around it, and Phil lifts him so he doesn’t choke.

“Please, come on, take your bottle like a good baby,” Phil begs and thankfully, Charlie seems to have settled down enough to do so, feeding half-heartedly, getting only some of the bottle down before he decides he’s had enough, turning his head and beginning to cry again.

“Oh no, no, come on, Charlie, shush, there’s no need to cry.” Phil immediately checks for a need for a diaper change but that’s not the case and Dan tries the hand thing again but even that’s not working and so they sit there on the couch, trying to distract Charlie, making faces, talking to him, singing songs, rubbing his tummy – Phil remembers to burp him a few minutes later and is rewarded with a solid amount of spit-up on the towel, making him wonder just how much food is still inside his son.

He tries the bottle again, seeing if Charlie wants more, but Charlie decidedly doesn’t, ignoring it in favour of crying. It’s now twenty minutes past one – Phil hates measuring time in hour and a half increments and that’s what his brain has switched to, and he wants to get Charlie to bed so he can snatch another hour’s worth of sleep before he’s up again.

“Let’s try swaddling him in his crib, maybe that’s what he wants,” Phil suggests, getting up. For almost a half an hour, his son has been crying, even with a feeding, without needing a diaper change, and he’s not sure what to do.

He gets a toy, a little music box that he’s bought that plays common piano pieces and children’s songs, battery operated. There’s already batteries for it, though they’re the cheap crappy ones that will run out after about, oh, twelve seconds of use, he thinks, and he gets a little nightlight in case maybe Charlie wants a bit of light, plugging it in as near the crib as he can.

“Maybe you want some music?” He asks, putting the batteries inside after unwrapping them and discarding the plastic that surrounded them and pressing the play button. The toy is bright green and yellow with blue and red buttons and it’s so garish that looking at it practically hurts Phil’s eyes.

“Dan, do that rubbing thing after I swaddle him and let’s see if the music helps, maybe he just wants some noise,” Phil suggests, placing the little music box on the dresser by the crib, and for the next few minutes, they work as a very tired, silent team, getting Charlie down into the crib, wrapped tight so his arms and legs can’t splay out everywhere, Dan gently stroking his fingers across Charlie’s body, pressing down and tickling a little, while ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ plays from the music box.

That seems to do the trick and Charlie gives a few more cries, hiccups, and lies there, staring at them while the music changes to ‘If You’re Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands’.

“Okay, so we’re never going to sleep, and we’re going to have horrible music stuck in our heads all night, but at least your son is quiet,” Dan comments, shooting Phil a look that is both tired and faintly amused.

“Look, Dan, how about you just sleep on the bed? It won’t be weird, you can wrap yourself up in the cocoon of blankets you make anyways, you sleep on top of my covers, I sleep under them, it’ll be a hell of a lot more comfortable than the floor, especially if we’re going to be up every hour and a half anyways,” Phil says, shoving his phone on the dresser and crawling back under the blankets.

Dan hesitates and then a moment later, there’s weight settling on the other side of Phil as Dan brings his pillow and blanket into the bed, indeed wrapping himself up in it, resting his head on the pillow.

“Phil?” Dan says quietly, almost a whisper.

“Yeah, Dan?” Phil answers, rolling so he can look at Dan, who’s up to his nose in blanket, just his eyes peering out at Phil.

Dan’s voice is muffled as he speaks. “I’m … not sorry I ran out like that?” It’s not quite a statement. “I needed some time to myself to figure things out. But I came back because I wanted to see if I could do this. If I could live with you and you having a baby.”

Phil’s heart suddenly stops. “And you can’t.” He whispers, tonelessly.

“I can. I can live with it. Charlie’s really cute and you love him and I mean, I’ve only known him for twenty-some odd hours and I don’t mind helping out, when he’s not screaming he’s a good baby, and right now I think I can live with it.”

“But what happens in a week when you’re tired of this?” Phil asks. “When he’s not yours, when you don’t have to take care of him? Are you going to leave then?” His words come out harsher than he wants them to but he’s tired and he needs the answers and maybe he has to be harsh.

“I don’t know. I don’t think so.” Dan answers after a moment. “I mean, I guess I’ll just learn to deal with it. It’ll be training for if I ever have a kid one day, I guess,” and Phil laughs at that.

“You being a father would be an interesting thing,” Phil muses. “Your child would come up to you and ask you a simple question about how far away are the stars and you’ll end up thinking of the vastness of the universe, hunched up in a ball while your kid stares at you.”

“Fuck off,” Dan mutters, but his eyes give away that he’s smiling, squinching slightly. “You’re going to attract all sorts of nutters on the buses and trains and your kid’s going to, I don’t know, watch as you somehow stumble upon some underground cocaine business with your luck.”  Phil aims a half-hearted kick in Dan’s general direction and Dan, who is wrapped up too tight in his blankets to return it, grumbles at him. “Knock it off, you arse.”

“Okay, but for real, Dan. Why are you doing this?” Phil asks. “You don’t have to. You don’t have to help, even if you decided to stay. This is my kid and I could take care of him.”

Dan shrugs. “It feels wrong not to? I don’t know how to explain it but it just feels like I should. If you and I share turns taking care of Charlie, maybe we can each get something approximating almost enough sleep instead of you being dead on your feet every day? I’d feel like shit if you were constantly exhausted and I was sleeping relatively well.”

“Ah, guilt.” Phil says. “I don’t want you to do this because you feel guilty. This isn’t your kid, it’s on me to raise him, and if that means you getting more sleep than me and watching me slowly succumb to a zombie-like state, then that’s what we should do, probably, right?”

Dan shrugs, the bundle of his blankets lifting and falling. “Maybe. Maybe that’s what normal people do. But I guess I’m not normal. I don’t want to leave you to this alone and have you wind up exhausted and tired and sad because not getting enough sleep will make you depressed and I don’t want you depressed and then hating your baby for waking you up.”

The music box switches to ‘Hush Little Baby’ and that’s a hell of a lot more tolerable than ‘If You’re Happy and You Know It’. Phil doesn’t dare get out of bed to check on Charlie and risk upsetting him because for now, his baby is silent, maybe listening to the music or having fallen back asleep.

‘I don’t want you to wind up regretting this, getting angry at me or Charlie, leaving, of this ending badly,” Phil says after a few more long seconds, thinking things over. “I can’t really ask you if you’re in this for good because you can leave at any second, I guess, even if you tell me you won’t, and I can’t hold it against you, but … I don’t want…” He pauses.

_I don’t want to miss you again like that. I want you around with me and my baby. I want my best friend here through this all. I need my best friend through all of this._

He doesn’t say it out loud. But he does need Dan. He doesn’t think he could do this without Dan. Or if he had to, he’d be miserable, it would make things so much harder without the support and laughter Dan brings him.

“I don’t know who’s more of a crybaby, you or your son,” Dan tells him cheekily. Phil just stares at Dan wordlessly, knowing Dan’s teasing, and Dan sighs. “I’m staying, Phil. I mean, for gods sakes, I’m sleeping in your bed so I can wake up and get Charlie if you want, and if I last a week, I’m pretty sure I can last for good. So stop worrying, because I’m going to stay, even if I get frustrated. You’re more important to me than leaving.”

He pauses. “You know how important to me you are, right, Phil?” Like he’s unsure, looking surprised that Phil might even doubt it. “Do you think I’d be who I am and where I am in my life if it wasn’t for you? Hell, that’s part of why I’m not gonna leave. Look at what my life has come to because of you.”

Phil actually tears up at this a little, exhausted from lack of sleep, exhausted from the fears about the video he’s put up, exhausted from worrying about every little thing over the last few days. “Yeah, you too. I mean, the same – turn that around right back at you,” he whispers.

He lifts a hand to swipe that the wetness on his eyelashes. When he looks at Dan again, they’re quiet, though Dan’s eyes are kind and appreciative and in the dark, barely lit by the nightlight in the room, they shine oddly bright.

Phil stays quiet, watching Dan, and Dan, who must be smiling because his eyes are gently crinkled at the corners, returns the gaze steadily. “Philly, you’re a plonker,” he finally says after a good ten seconds have gone by with them simply looking at each other.

“Don’t call me Philly,” Phil mutters. “Danny.”

“That just sounds stupid when you say it. Do I really look like a Danny?” Dan asks. “At least Philly sounds cute.”

“Don’t make me sing ‘Danny Boy’ at you,” Phil threatens. “I’ll do it.”

“Don’t, you’ll make Charlie cry,” Dan hisses. “With that screech you call a singing voice.” Phil concedes there – although neither of them are particularly gifted singers, Dan’s able to carry a melody slightly better than Phil.

He starts giggling, though, at the thought of him singing and upsetting Charlie, and it must be contagious because Dan asks, “What the fuck, Phil,” and a moment later is fighting back his own occasional giggle.

“Phil, shush,” Dan whispers frantically, “you’re going to wake Charlie,” and Phil stuffs his face into the pillow long enough to get his giggling under control.

“I was just thinking about us singing ‘Breaking Free’ and me screeching through the high notes like you said,” Phil says, and Dan is the one who has to muffle his laughter, shaking harder than Phil at the memory.

“God, don’t remind me, Charlie and I will both be having nightmares,” Dan gets out, voice even more muffled between the pillow and the blanket.

Phil yawns hugely. “I’m so tired,” he whispers. “I don’t want to get up in, what, forty-five minutes? I just want to sleep for like two days straight.”

“Sorry, Phil, your turn, I gave a shot at feeding Charlie last time, you gotta get up this time while I bask in the glory of sleep.” Dan teases. “Glorious sleep, I’m going to sprawl out and steal your side of the bed too while you’re awake.”

“I’ll shove you on the ground,” Phil threatens. “And then you’ll wake up Charlie when you land and it’ll be your fault.”

“It’ll be your fault for shoving me.” Dan shoots back.

“Your fault for having sprawled onto my side of the bed.” Phil returns instantly. “Keep to your side, Howell.”

Dan’s smiling still. Phil doesn’t think Dan’s stopped smiling in the last five minutes and honestly, Phil’s pretty happy himself. His heart feels lighter and he wants to tilt his head forward and bump it to Dan’s forehead in gratitude because Dan does mean a lot more to him than he thinks either of them knew until Dan almost left him four days ago.

Instead he just murmurs, “Let’s try and get some sleep.” Dan hums a noise of assent and Phil watches as Dan closes his eyes and follows suit himself.

 

The next few days pass in another hazy blur of time sliding into itself, feedings and changings and eventually they run out of diapers and Dan goes out to buy more while Phil stays at home with the baby.

When the 1 st of May rolls around, Phil prepares for taking Charlie out of the flat for the first time. Dan’s not coming with, and although the baby-carrier that Phil ordered has arrived, he’s still got barely enough to help him raise a baby. He’s hoping this shower will change things a little in his favour.

He holds Charlie closer to him than he needs to on the tube, afraid of a fan recognising him and coming up to him. But thankfully either there’s nobody there who recognises him or they’re listening to his request.

He’s finally gotten the nerve to check the comments on Twitter and Tumblr and Youtube. It’s what he expected, plenty of surprise but nobody seems angry, just confused, although a vast majority of his fans are enamored with Charlie, the brief picture that he’d put up, and he’s seen all sorts of edits with overlays and flowers and stars of that one picture.

There’d been fanfiction, of course, when he checked his tag, in which he and Dan have adopted this baby, and clicking the notes he’d seen far more people reblogging it with a request that the fanfiction be removed instead of encouraging that and he makes a note to thank people in his next video.

As a whole, it’s gone over a lot better than he’d hoped. He’s tweeted back to a few people, mostly friends who are offering support, clarifying that Charlie doesn’t have a middle name yet, he hasn’t figured it out, to one fan.

The ride to his parents’ house seems to take forever as he holds the baby close to him, and while it is relatively unpopulated, there’s still a lot more people than Phil would have expected who have come, relatives and close friends, and he tries to make his rounds as best he can with a baby in his arms, kissing cheeks and offering hellos, getting one-sided hugs before being led into a room filled with presents.

Indeed, everything his mother had written down, he’s gotten. Plenty of diapers and formula, a changing station – he already has the one he’d had rush delivered and he can return it, a white noise machine that he’d much rather use than the music box – already he’s pretty sure he’s caught both him and Dan humming various children’s songs half a dozen times each in the last few days, neither of them particularly pleased about it, tons of clothes, toys, all sorts of things he couldn’t have imagined needing but she assures him that he will.

He tells the same lie that he keeps telling everybody, that he just wanted to keep his news private until the baby was born, that the mother gave it up to him full custody, that Dan’s alright with it and has been relatively helpful, that he just forgot to prepare because he’s an idiot.

His mother holds Charlie and plays with him and shows him when he gets a mobile for over his crib, a station he can sit in so that Phil can leave him on the floor unattended in the same room or if he has to leave for a few minutes to use the bathroom or cook or eat, a few toys that rattle and squeak, books for Phil to read to the baby, even a few children’s DVDs that Phil thinks won’t be quite age-appropriate yet, given that his baby still has trouble focusing his eyes on anything too long.

The party only lasts a few hours, with Phil taking a break to feed his son twice, once in the middle and once right before the party ends so that he won’t have to worry about Charlie getting hungry on the trip home, and it’s subdued enough that Charlie doesn’t cry, he’s the good baby that Phil much prefers.

So far there’s only been two more times where Charlie’s cried for no reason, just cried to cry, it seems, and both times have been during the day when neither Phil nor Dan were hoping for sleep, just hoping to play video games, although those had been paused in favour of trying to quiet Charlie.

His mother helps load up her car as the final few guests leave and drives them home with the promise of bringing by any gifts that arrive after this shower, and she kisses Phil on the cheek. “You sound like you’re doing alright,” she tells him. “And Dan?”

Phil nods. “Dan’s doing alright too, he’s helping me and he … he really adores Charlie.”

It’s true. Dan steals Charlie from Phil all the time. Dan will plop down next to Phil and do the tummy and arm and leg tickle thing he does that makes Charlie make a breathy ahh noise and kick and throw his fists, not in anger, but with delight, Phil thinks, and it’s only too easy to let Dan take his baby and watch as Dan plays.

He confirms with his mum that she’ll be babysitting in a few days when he does the radio show and then Dan joins them as they carry the massive amounts of gifts to the flat where Phil has no idea where they’re going to store this all.

Once they’ve managed to get all of that put away in various places, his mum gives him a final hug and it’s just Dan and Phil and Charlie, looking at their now even more crowded apartment.

“So, Phil, while you were out, I got you something,” Dan says after a moment, smiling. “It’s a gift for Charlie.”

“What? You didn’t have to do that,” Phil protests. Dan’s handing him a little box, wrapped in blue and silver gift wrap, and Phil hands over Charlie to Dan who immediately makes a silly face at the baby, sticking out his tongue and crossing his eyes, before moving the baby to face Phil.

Phil opens the gift. It’s a stuffed zebra, meant to go in the crib next to Charlie or for him to play with. “It’s so cute!” He yelps because it’s got overly-big soft black eyes and a smiling face instead of a normal horse mouth-muzzle-thing.

“Yeah, well, I figured your thing is lions and mine is bears, and so I guess Charlie’s can be zebras. Or horses.” Dan says. “I, uh, also ordered him some zebra pyjamas but they didn’t get here on time.”

Without thinking about it, Phil sweeps Dan into a hug, squeezing Charlie between them, and although Dan returns the hug, a moment later, Charlie starts to whimper and they separate, Phil plucking Charlie from Dan’s fingers and soothing him immediately.

He presses a kiss to his baby’s forehead as the whimpering stops and after a moment, he watches as Dan leans in and does the same and Phil stares at him as Dan pulls away from Charlie.

“What was that for?”

Dan shrugs. “I dunno. It felt right. Like I should be soothing him too.” He blushes and turns away, fiddling with the zebra that he’d taken from Phil, playing with the soft coat. “I’m gonna put this in Charlie’s crib.” He says, hurrying out of the room.

 

The visit to the doctor goes well. Phil still has some trepidation about going out and being recognised but that doesn’t happen again and the paediatrician tells Phil that he’s doing a fine job of raising the baby, that Charlie is at the proper weight, shows all the right signs of a healthy baby, and to not worry so much.

When it comes time to get the next round of shots for Charlie, the paediatrician does something that after he’s told why his paediatrician did what he did, leaves him with amusement and worry at the same time. He has Phil hold Charlie and then administers the shots quickly, leaving the room equally as fast as Charlie starts to cry, returning only when Charlie’s settled down.

He does it so that Charlie doesn’t associate him with the pain of the shots so that he’s not afraid the next time he sees the doctor. When Phil asks if Charlie’s going to associate him with pain, the doctor assures him that for as much love as he’s giving Charlie, Charlie’s not going to be afraid of Phil or hate him.

He does tell Phil that he can probably settle the feedings down to every two and a half hours, to relish the extra hour’s worth of sleep between feedings at night, and Phil laughs at that.

When he gets home, Dan’s almost nervous, like it’s his baby that was getting checked up on, and when Phil tells him everything the doctor told him, Dan’s face splits into a smile. “So we’re doing alright then,” and it really is a case of “we’re” and not “you’re”, because Dan really has been with Phil just as much since he came back home.

“Yeah, and mum said she’ll watch Charlie all day tomorrow, so we can have some time to ourselves.” Phil adds. “So, did you want to do something tomorrow? Order pizza and watch a movie or something?”

He settles Charlie into the baby-resting station, sitting down on the couch, and Dan flops out next to him, grabbing his laptop off where it was resting on the edge.

“Yeah, that’d be nice. We’ll hang out, maybe have a couple of drinks, have your mum drop off Charlie, and we’ll have had some Dan and Phil time that’s been sorely lacking.” Dan agrees.

“Only a couple of drinks,” Phil says. “At least for me. I have to take care of a baby, I can’t be tottering about.”

Dan shrugs. “Me neither, I’m helping, remember?”

“You could get drunk if you wanted to, though. Sleep in your own bedroom for the night, enjoy yourself.” Phil says, not as encouragement, just as compromise, and Dan shrugs again.

“Nah, it’s okay. Besides, who needs a hangover? And if I’m gonna get drunk, I want you drunk too. You’re way more fun than me when you’re drunk.” Dan grins at him.

“You’re affectionate. You turn into a squid or something, wrapping your limbs around me,” Phil teases. “I have to practically carry you around.”

For this, Dan turns and sticks his feet into Phil’s lap, resting them across, and then moving his laptop so that they both can see it, where he’s watching Youtube, and they sit there, contented silence between them, Charlie nodding off in his resting station, and relax together.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is short - still in the process of changing jobs and not having a lot of personal time. Hopefully this will sate you.

Phil rechecks his books as to what a nearly three-week old baby should be doing at this point in its life, which include earth-shattering actions such as cooing and lifting itself slightly on its stomach.

He also notes that his baby should be able to start actively moving to snuggle him and he can’t help but look forward to that, to the feel of hopefully Charlie will adjust in his arms to be nearer to his parent, because he loves Charlie so much. 

Dan hasn’t left Phil’s bed yet, still sleeping next to him like it’s the most natural thing in the world, as if he’s meant to be taking care of Charlie and sometimes Phil wonders if he’s not taking advantage of Dan’s kindness and wants to push him away, tell him to go back to his own bedroom. 

But it’s so much easier to let Dan help him, because even with the extra hour of sleep between feedings, Phil’s still goddamn exhausted, and if Dan wants to help, Phil’s just this side of emotionally and physically too tired to fight him on it. 

It’s a strange picture they paint, two heterosexual men sleeping in the same bed taking care of a baby together. Phil sleeps on his stomach while Dan sleeps on his back and that’s how it is, Phil under the blanket and Dan wrapped up in his monochromatic own blanket on top. 

They do feedings at midnight, two-thirty, five, seven-thirty, ten, half-past-noon, three, five-thirty, eight, and then a smaller one at ten-thirty since there’s a smaller time period between feedings. 

One thing that’s changed, or rather, is changing, between them is their physical affection. Phil appreciates the hell out of Dan and lets him know as much with hugs and shoulder nudges and even hand squeezes. Dan returns them less often but more intimate in their own way because of that, sometimes rolling on his side in bed when he joins Phil to bump his forehead to Phil’s shoulder and mutter, “Night, Phil,” wrapped up in his blanket all tight and secure.

One thing that Phil appreciates the extra sleep is that finally, after almost three weeks, he has both the urge and energy to get off. He doesn’t think he’s gone that long without having a wank ever since he started getting himself off, but between learning as much as he could and the sheer exhaustion of having a baby, he’s literally had no interest. 

So it’s nice to awaken one morning before his next feeding alarm goes off and look at the phone, see he has fifteen minutes to himself, and find himself both aroused and feeling refreshed enough to do something about it. 

Sneaking out of bed where Dan is lying next to him, Phil makes his way to the bathroom. Even though he’s awake, even though he has energy, he doesn’t have the real interest to start a daydream like he might, thinking of warm lips around him or even better, the sheath of heat sliding along him. 

Instead he closes the bathroom door and latches it, pushes down his sweats, his boxers, wraps a hand around his length at the base and drags it loosely to the tip, jutting his hips forward at the touch because while he’s not looking to tease, he’s overly built up from not getting off. 

His fist is lax around his cock, barely tight enough to cause friction, and he jerks casually, hips meeting each motion, pushing his free hand under his shirt up to his nipples, tweaking. 

It’s a private thing that he’s never told anybody, how sensitive his nipples are, and two or three brushings, pinches, and he’s leaking precome, smearing it down his length, working his fingers more easily over the first couple inches, teasing himself, tugging lightly. 

He drops his other hand from chest to balls, stroking, and that makes him gasp, head falling into the wooden door as he pushes more steadily into his fist. 

He teases himself, half-awake, and that makes it all the better, because as he drags into wakefulness, he can focus on sliding between nipples and balls and his one hand steady on his cock, pulling tighter, faster, his breath quickening and stomach going tight. 

When he comes, it’s with a curl forward against himself, warmth hitting his stomach, breathing sharp and fast, fingers almost too tight on his dick and that’s how he likes it, almost too much, and then there’s the comedown, where he lets go, taking in a shuddery breath that’s cool and brings him down to reality. 

He cleans himself up and then feeds Charlie, sated somehow, and when he puts Charlie down, it's without a whimper from his son, tucking himself into the blankets again. 

Next to him, Dan makes a quiet, muzzy noise. “Philly,” he grumbles. Phil pushes an arm forward to half-shove him. 

“Stop calling me Philly, what do you want.” Neither of them are actually asking questions and Dan just nuzzles in closer and it's weird, because Dan's got his face against Phil's shoulder, but Phil closes his eyes. 

He sleeps, Dan pressed to him.

 

They're both looking forward to their break from Charlie because as much as Dan loves Charlie, Phil can tell it's not fair on him to have to look over a newborn or nearly one anyways, and Phil loves his son but he also misses relaxing and so when his mother arrives to pick up his son, he kisses Charlie square on the forehead and watches Dan follow suit, ignoring his mother's hesitant gaze at them both. 

There's a quietness between them for about fifteen seconds while they close the door and listen to the silence in the apartment.

Dan speaks first. “I bought tequila and this really great juice – orange pineapple banana. Wanna make margaritas?” 

“Tequila is a terrible idea.” Phil groans. “Dan, have you seen yourself on tequila?” That's encouragement enough for Dan who heads into the kitchen to hunt down their blender. 

Ten minutes later, they have a pitcher of margaritas that aren't really margaritas because there's no margarita mix but fuck if Dan cares as he pours a frothy mixture of ice, tequila, and juice into Phil's glass and then his own healthy portion. 

The blender is still three-quarters full and the bottle is brand new and Phil wonders just how much they'll drink tonight. 

Dan takes a sip. “I declare this good,” he smiles and encourages Phil to drink. Phil brings the glass to his mouth and takes a long swallow, letting the sweet drink slide down his throat. 

“Okay, so it tastes amazing,” Phil admits. 

They switch on Netflix and watch television, chatting easily between them for a good two hours before Dan becomes visibly affected by the alcohol. Phil, tired as he is, was tipsy after the second drink, the third one going down easy and fast. 

Dan pauses what they're watching at this point and reclines, shifting his weight until his back is pressed against Phil's shoulder. “You think Charlie misses us- I mean you?” 

Phil pauses. “Maybe. I mean... all the books say he should be starting to show affection towards me.” He wonders if Charlie will start going to Dan because Dan is there too, making Charlie calm down. 

He kind of wants to see the expression on Dan's face if Charlie curled towards him. The mental image of Dan smiling like he did the first time he'd gotten just why Phil couldn't give up Charlie is enough to send sparks of joy through Phil. 

Without even thinking about it, Phil reaches to Dan and shoves his hand into the nape of Dan's neck, where his hair lies, and Dan twitches. 

“You're touching my neck, you know I hate that.” He grumbles. Phil wonders just how much Dan does hate it because he always lets Phil get away with it. 

Amused, he runs his fingernails soft across Dan's neck and Dan twists away, swatting him. 

“Arsehole.”

So there's the breaking point, Phil muses, pleased with himself in a way. He drops his hand to Dan's shoulder and squeezes and Dan glares at him again but doesn't move away as Phil slowly traces a line back to Dan's neck. 

“You let me do this,” Phil murmurs, thumb skimming a line across Dan's skin. Dan stays silent. “Why?” 

He doesn't know why he wants to know. Dan blinks and heaves a sigh, licks his lips and shakes his head, making Phil's hand fall away. 

Whatever Dan might have said, it's lost when he does that, his expression going flat before he sits up and pushes Phil. 

“Get ready for some ass-kicking because I'm drunk and I think we should play a game.” Dan announces.

Phil blinks, grabbing his drink and taking a long sip. It's mostly liquid now, the ice having melted into a watery mush, catching against his teeth and clicking, so cold that it almost hurts. 

Dan slides in New Super Mario Bros. Wii and Phil groans because they've never made it past level 3-4, because they just kill each other over and over. 

But they start from the first level and Dan takes Mario, leaving Phil as Luigi, and the first few seconds go okay, Dan hitting a power-up to give them flying, leaving Phil the big mushroom power up, before Dan goes to jump on a platform, misses, bounces off Phil's head in game, and Phil's jump away from a Goomba is spoiled and he shrinks. 

“Goddamnit!” He curses. He hides his cursing his his videos but really, he's not against cursing when the time calls for it. Dan making him almost die in a video game calls for it, in his opinion. 

Sure enough, by world 1-3, Dan kills Phil. Then Phil kills Dan a couple of times – once intentionally, once by accident. When he does it intentionally, Dan gives him a solid thwack to the shoulder but when he does it by accident, they're both laughing too hard to care. 

They make it through the first castle before saving, overwriting past data and Phil wonders if they'll ever beat the game, before Dan suggests watching a Lets Play online. 

They find a playthrough by a group called the Freelance Astronauts and Dan cackles when one of them proclaims it's time for “Super Asshole Brothers” when within seconds of the game starting, they begin to dick each other over. 

Dan gets up and there's noise in the kitchen and then Dan returns with a full pitcher of blended drink so they don't have to get up again and Phil lets Dan refill their glasses before lifting an arm as Dan settles against him. 

“This is weird,” Phil whispers, because Dan's under his shoulder. Dan glances at them and starts to lift himself. “I mean, isn't it?” 

“Yeah.” Dan agrees. He doesn't move further away though, half-upright and still under Phil's arm technically. 

Phil bites his lower lip. “You can stay there if you want.” If Dan is comfortable there, why should he push him away?

Dan settles in slowly and Phil looks at him as Dan shifts. Dan's watching him back and when he settles fully, he's only barely touching Phil. In a way, Phil misses Dan leaning into him. 

“You comfortable?” He asks, instead. Dan smiles. 

“You ready for me to hit play?” He asks, fingers on his laptop settled on his thigh. He shifts ever so faintly, just enough to turn the screen more towards Phil, to push his weight against Phil's lap, and if Phil feels a bit more secure when he nods yes, he doesn't say a word.

Three drinks turns to four turns to five and by that point, they're both sloshed to the extent that Phil holds the glass steady as Dan pours the last of the alcohol into their glasses – five and a half drinks for them both – and they're cackling at the interactions of the group they're watching online. 

It's even worse than the two of them and Dan's the louder of the two, turning his face into Phil's chest, laughing so hard it turns into wheezing gasps, until Phil claps him on the back and Dan shakes his head, waves his hand and continues to giggle against Phil's body. 

“-fine, I'm fine, don't worry,” he gasps out, even as the group they're watching proclaims, with a drunken hiccup, “Yes, let's immortalize this progress,” as they wade through the beginning of World 2-1, one of them whimpering as a sand geyser drags him down.

Phil instinctively rubs at Dan's back, like he would Charlie, and Dan pauses for a second before muttering, “You're not trying to burp me, are you,” and Phil cracks up because he's just drunk enough for this to be hilarious. 

“No,” he gets out. “Just soothing you. Though Charlie's a bit more responsive than you.” 

“I'm not an infant,” Dan yelps, sitting upright. He catches Phil's hand and holds it away from him, in the air, and Phil tugs free of his grasp. 

“I know that, pillock,” and there's Phil's accent sliding out of him, and Dan grins. 

“It's cute when you get Northern,” Dan teases him and Phil grumbles. “I should get the camera. Record you talking with your accent.”

Phil won't deny it gets stronger when he's drunk and he'd argue but that would just defeat Dan's point so instead he just blearily rubs his eyes. 

“We should sleep.” 

Dan purses his lips and then grabs the empty blender, still frothy, and Phil follows Dan into the kitchen where he dumps everything into the sink. 

“Clean up tomorrow,” Dan declares, heading towards the bedroom. Phil checks his phone for any messages, where there's only one from his mother, saying Charlie's well and goodnight, and then they're both collapsing into bed. 

“Gotta take out my contacts,” Phil mumbles. Dan sighs loudly as Phil struggles back to his feet because he's so tired he just wants to rest, but he goes through the motions of taking out his contacts. 

His mouth is going to taste like hell tomorrow because they haven't brushed their teeth, but right now all he wants is sleep and Dan lifts an arm enough that Phil can lean into his touch. 

“Comfy?” He manages to ask because it's not normal for them but he can't really find a reason to stop it. Dan's already snoring so Phil takes that as a yes and his own sleep comes so soon, comfortable and dark.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, SO sorry for how long it's taken between chapters. I switched to another new job and also some new medication that took a long time to kick in and I was honestly non-functional for the last three weeks between stress and waiting for the meds to work. But I'm feeling better so hopefully I should be writing more. Also, this chapter is probably the most OOC I've written and I'm sorry!

Time starts to pass faster now for Phil with Charlie. He registers his baby's name as Charlie Noel Lester. Dan gives him some teasing about his middle name, but he doesn't care. It's pronounced like “knoll”, not “no-el”, and it slips fluidly from his mouth.

He doesn't know where the middle name came from, just knows that one day he woke up and that was what he wanted to call his son.

He wakes up on Charlie's one month birthday to find himself and Dan, well, actually cuddling in their sleep. He can only blame it on the fact that they've grown accustomed to each other's presence.

Dan's half-under his arm, Phil's fingers curled against Dan's hip, and Dan's got his face pressed into Phil's chest. Phil's immensely comfortable, even for as strange as this is, although he realises a second later that he's half-hard.

He shifts his hips away from Dan, not wanting Dan to feel that. He knows realistically that he's only hard just from morning wood, not anything to do with the nearness of Dan, but still.

Phil lies there, listening to Charlie's breathing, Dan's breathing, his own. They've formed a strange, tight family in the last three and a half weeks. He's decided to make another video, the first one with Charlie in it, doing an F.A.Q. about his baby.

He might as well make it and upload it today. So he gets up, jerks off quickly, and takes a shower, blow-drying his hair and straightening it, then heading into the bedroom to dress.

He keeps an eye on Dan's sleeping form as he tugs on clothes, making sure that Dan doesn't wake up in the middle of Phil dressing himself, and then heads into the living room, setting up the camera so that he can sit on the couch, holding Charlie.

The noise must wake up Dan because he comes out of the bedroom rubbing his eyes. “Whatchu doing?” He mumbles.

Phil smiles. “Making a video. F.A.Q. about Charlie. I'd ask you to be in it but I don't want fans getting the wrong idea.”

Dan frowns at him and looks genuinely hurt for a second before confusion sweeps his face. “What wrong idea?”

“Well, it might look a little... you know, like we're a couple raising a baby. Our fans will probably read into that?”

Dan pauses for a second. “I mean, it's none of their business even if we were, but we're not, and I am helping you raise him. But if you don't want me in it, that's fine.”

Dan's always been a little more easily made cranky when he first wakes up and Phil blames that on Dan's mood. “It just would be a little easier,” he says. He feels bad, though, that Dan feels slighted. “I'll mention how much you've been helping, don't worry.” He tries to assuage Dan that way.

“Yeah.” Dan says, turning away. “That's fine.” Phil can't see his face and something in him makes him ache slightly to reach out and touch Dan's shoulder, pull him in for a hug.

He doesn't, though. Instead he gets Charlie and settles down, preparing to start the video.

“Hey guys, so a lot of you have been asking about my baby and I figured that today would be a good day to make a video. Okay, so, as you can see,” he strokes his fingers across Charlie's hair, as Charlie leans against him, settled securely in his lap, and tilts his head towards Phil's voice, “this is my baby.”

“A lot of you have been asking questions and I wrote down a bunch of them to answer.” Phil continues. “First off, most of you want to know his name. Well, his full name is Charlie Noel Lester. I didn't pick either name for their meaning or anything, they just sort of came to me and felt right. I know that Noel is a Christmas name and Charlie was born in April, but it just was a name that was sticking in my head and it felt right."

He can hear Dan in the kitchen and hopes that Dan isn't actually mad at him. “Okay, um, next question is obviously about Charlie's mum. No, I'm not in a relationship. Um,” he's decided to lie about this. “It was a one-time thing that resulted in her getting pregnant and I wanted to keep the baby and she didn't, so after some convincing, she decided to have the baby and give it up to me. She's requested no information be given about her so please don't push about it or try to find out.”

Charlie coos a little and kicks in his lap and Phil spends a couple of moments settling Charlie, kissing his baby's forehead.

He glances at the notepad file he has open. “A lot of you want to know how Dan's dealing with all of this. Dan's currently having breakfast but he's been okay with it – at first he was surprised but he's been great.”

He decides against stating that Dan and him have been taking turns feeding Charlie at night because he can already hear a few over-zealous fans thinking that they're in a situation where Dan can hear Phil's alarm. Maybe it's him over-reading into things, since people don't know how he's set up alarms for Charlie's feeding, but still, just in case.

“Dan helps with feedings and baths and changing the diaper and really, he's been nothing short of absolutely amazing.” He hopes Dan overhears that from the kitchen. Dan appears a moment later, leaning against the wall with a piece of toast, taking a bite and watching Phil.

Phil glances at him momentarily before returning his gaze to the camera. “Um, next question. How am I getting on with taking care of a newborn.”

He smiles at his son affectionately. “It's hard, to say the least, but Charlie's worth every second of it. I'm sleeping something like, 4 to 5 hours a night? So I'm definitely tired a lot, but again, Dan's been helping out and so have my parents. Mum's been wonderful.”

“Um, a lot of you want to know if you can donate money to help out. While that's very kind, I don't want you to feel obligated so I would prefer to avoid that. My bank account certainly has taken a blow, but I have enough money to cover everything, don't worry. Charlie's well-taken care of.”

“A few of you want to know about any developments in Charlie that I've noticed.” Phil watches the screen as Charlie again lifts his head for a few seconds towards Phil's voice. “As you can see, he responds a lot to my voice. Dan's too,” he adds, glancing towards Dan. That's not a lie. He's seen it happen plenty of times.

Dan still looks sour and Phil feels guilty. “He likes colourful toys. We have this really,  _really_ annoying toy that plays kids songs and while me and Dan would prefer to chuck it into the wall, Charlie loves it.”

He runs his finger down to Charlie's palm, feeling his son grasp it on reflex. “As you can see, Charlie responds to my touch – it's called the palmer grasp, apparently.”

“He can also follow me when I move.” Phil lifts his hand and drags it in front of Charlie's face, watching Charlie tilt his head to follow the motion, and then brings his hand down to Charlie's tummy to tickle him, making Charlie squeal and throw his arms, sounding pleased.

“So, I mean, that's really the extent of what he can do. Nothing major, just mainly that. I mean, he is a baby, so he's not super exciting.” Phil pauses. “Well, I mean, in terms of everyday developments. I mean, in a way, after a month, there's not a huge amount of things we can do, but at the same time, every day is brand new and exciting for me.”

He smiles helplessly now. “I honestly and genuinely love being a dad. For as exhausting as it is, I wouldn't change any of it. I can be exhausted and then all of a sudden have Charlie looking at me when I'm feeding him and the trust between him and I is enough to revitalise me.”

“How has this affected my daily life?” Phil brings up the next question. “Well, mum's been great and taken care of him when Dan and I did the Internet Takeover. We did our best to pretend like nothing was going on there, obviously, because I haven't wanted to bring up Charlie yet to everybody.”

He continues with a pause. “Even now, I'd prefer if you all would continue to respect my wishes and not make a big deal out of Charlie. I know that he is a big deal but I'd prefer my son grew up not being overwhelmed by people being obsessed with him.”

Dan mouths at him and Phil can make out him saying “fanfiction” and gives a little nod. “I mentioned not to write stories about my baby in my last video and most of you have been great about telling off those who ignored my message. I want to thank you guys and please continue that. Like I said, I'd prefer Charlie not look himself up one day and find fanfiction written about him.”

He pauses. “I know it's tempting, because I know a lot of you have it in your brains that Dan and I are in some kind of relationship, but we're not, and this isn't  _our_ baby, this is my baby that Dan's helping with at times.”

He looks at Dan, who looks back at him with an almost-half-smile, still looking a little sad. He's holding the plate that held his toast, having finished eating a moment before.

“A lot of you want to know if this is going to change my life. Well, yes, it obviously has, but I'm going to do my best to keep my life the same as it was going before. I'm trying to make my life more a continuation of what it was with a baby than changing it entirely.” Phil says.

“So, a lot of what I do is just with Charlie now. I sit around watching television with a baby. I've gone out with Charlie – we've been out a couple of times and so far nobody's recognised us, or if they did, they were willing to not come rushing up like I asked in the last video.”

Phil smiles. “Charlie's honestly the best thing that's happened to me. Even more than becoming friends with Dan, though that's a very close second.” He glances over at Dan, and Dan this time does look genuinely touched, smiling at him before returning to the kitchen with his plate, presumably to clean up.

“I know this video is probably not like most of my videos, the same as the last one, and I'll try to get back to lighter topics soon,” Phil adds. “But I know you all wanted to meet my son,” and he lifts Charlie's hand to wave at the camera, “and I figured after a month I was comfortable enough to do this.”

“So for now, this is gonna be goodbye and I'll make another video soon!” Phil promises. There's again going to be no Draw Phil Naked and instead he decides to make a link to his previous video talking about Charlie.

He does editing and then starts uploading it, having spent most of the morning doing the editing. He's starving and Charlie needs feeding. Even though his stomach growls, Phil feeds Charlie first and then Dan takes him almost without asking, so that Phil can wolf down a sandwich.

The thing that pleases Phil the most is that Charlie starts sleeping almost three and a half-hours without needing to be woken up. He tests his son by not setting his alarm for a few days and repeatedly, he's able to sleep a little over three hours before needing to wake in order to feed.

That makes feeding easier, and now it's at midnight, three, six, nine, noon, three, six, nine, and midnight again. His son's month and a half check up comes and goes and his doctor tells Phil that Charlie's still coming along wonderfully.

Life continues to speed by and Phil watches Charlie grow in front of him every day, Dan equally enamored and intrigued by his son. Weeks five and six pass without incident and by week seven, Phil notices that Charlie actually holds onto his stuffed zebra that Dan bought and it's a little harder to tug it free of his grip, though it doesn't take a lot of effort.

He and Dan talk constantly to Charlie, as his books recommend. They tell Charlie everything about their day, without baby-talk, because Phil found a study that shows that baby-talk can actually hinder development, and he wants his baby to be as smart as he can be.

Dan has done most of the shopping for them in the last two months or Phil's mum has taken care of Charlie, but Phil decides to finally take Charlie out with them when they go grocery-shopping.

Dan calls a cab – they've decided to avoid public transportation for now, and they bring Charlie with them, stroller folded up next to them, and they head out to the nearest Tesco.

Dan pushes the cart while Phil puts Charlie in the stroller and they set off down the aisles, tossing food into the cart. When they get to the aisle filled with baby food, Phil buys two more large containers of formula. They go through food fast, diapers, even more.

They're incredibly low on diapers – they only have two left, because Dan forgot to buy more last time he was out, and Phil grabs two packages of 48 diapers, which should last them for a bit.

“I can't believe you forgot diapers,” he grouses as he puts them in the cart. “It was what you originally went out for.”

Dan shrugs. “Sorry!” He says. “I was busy looking at toys for Charlie, okay?” Which is true. He'd ended up coming back with two new toys for Charlie, a tiny stuffed zebra to continue the trend of zebra toys, and a video that they'd yet to watch with Charlie.

“Yes, well, toys don't stop him from pooping now, do they?” Phil asks and Dan gives him a look. “I'm not actually mad, Dan. I'm only teasing you.”

He hears the quiet voice of a girl behind them. “You two are really cute with your baby. You guys seem like the perfect couple.”

Dan blinks and Phil stumbles over trying to correct her but she's smiling at them as she continues. “Charlie's his name? He looks really happy. He's lucky to have such great parents.”

Phil blinks and finally just decides to go with it. What's the harm, it's just one person, and they're wrong, but it's easier than explaining the entire situation. “Thanks,” he finally says. “Dan's great, he's been great with our kid.”

Dan glances at him and seems to pick up what Phil's thinking. “Yeah, Phil was the one to suggest adopting, and it took me a little to come around, but it's one of the best things that's happened to me.” He adds, smiling at her. His face seems a little tight but as he glances at Charlie, it relaxes.

“Well, I hope you two are happy with Charlie for a long time.” She says. “And hopefully remember next time you run out of nappies,” she grins at them.

“Yeah,” Phil says, nudging Dan, who nudges him back hard. “He'll remember.” Dan fake-glares at him and Phil, without even thinking, says, “Oh, don't be mad. I'll buy you some Maltesers.”

The girl giggles at them and Dan blinks a few times before stammering out an “okay,” focusing on Charlie and Phil realises that they really do sound like a couple and is equally as thrown.

“Um, thanks,” he says, pushing their cart forward, Dan following. He makes a note to make sure to actually grab Maltesers for Dan, though.

He waits until they're out of earshot of the girl and then says, “Well. We got our first accidental couple mistake. That only took two months.”

Dan looks at Charlie and gives a half-chuckle. “Yeah. That was awkward.” He kisses Charlie's forehead and Charlie watches him as he backs up next to Phil.

They're quiet between themselves for another aisle, not really sure what to say, before Dan notices something else he wants and throws it in the cart, with Phil telling him to make sure Dan pays for that with his own money because he certainly doesn't have the spare expenses.

They make their way through the rest of Tesco without incident and check out, separating their items into mostly Phil's and then a smaller section of Dan's separate stuff.

Dan calls another cab to take them home, making sure to pull out enough money to cover the expenses.

They carry their multitude of bags upstairs, most of it being Dan doing that work while Phil settles Charlie back into his crib before rejoining Dan to put away groceries.

“Do we look like a couple?” Dan asks after a couple of minutes.

Phil pauses and thinks about that. Dan's helping him raise a baby, sleeping in his bed, and they're close enough that people mistake them for being in a relationship even before they had Charlie.

“It's not really their business, is it? I mean, we're not, and they shouldn't assume,” he answers. It's not anybody's business, even if it is as confusing to see as it is.

“Yeah, I guess. But I mean... we do look it, don't we?” Dan says. “Maybe I should back off and let you just … raise Charlie by yourself more?”

He sounds unhappy at the idea, glancing at the bedroom where Charlie is, and Phil shakes his head.

“Dan, who cares if they get the wrong idea? We know we're not in a relationship and we both know how much you care about Charlie. And I really appreciate how much you're there for me.”

Dan leans against the wall and sighs. “Yeah. I guess.” He shakes his head. “It's so frustrating sometimes. Like, I can deal with the fans thinking we're together because it's so not in any way real. But when someone in real life asks, it's a lot harder to explain.”

“I get it, Dan,” Phil says. “And if you need to back out of Charlie's life a little, I'd understand.”

Dan shakes his head. “No. I don't want that. I just...” he pauses. “It's hard to explain.”

It might be hard to explain but that night, Dan still goes to bed with Phil, curling up next to him, and they fall asleep as easily as ever, even as Phil wonders whether or not it bothers Dan to sleep next to him if being mistaken as in a relationship bothers him.

It apparently doesn't, since Dan's still there, and Phil lies there, staring at Dan's sleeping face in the dark for a long time until he's able to fall asleep himself. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in an attempt to make up for the lack of updates for over a month, as well as finally having inspiration, I proceeded to write a chapter that's twice as long than average and also doubly if not triply schmoopy - though with the first bit of proper angst too. ;) I hope you all enjoy. <333

When Charlie is ten weeks old, Phil is browsing the internet for things to do with him outside of their flat and finds a suggestion of taking him to a baby pool. He does a search on the internet and finds a gym and pool centre near their flat and calls to ask if they have any baby classes.

They do have one and Phil signs up for it with Charlie, scribbling it down on a notepad and sticking it to the fridge.

Phil's feeding Charlie when Dan enters the room and Charlie kicks his feet and throws his arms, turning his head away from the nipple of the bottle and focusing on Dan.

“I think he's trying to reach for you,” Phil says, surprised, and Dan comes over with a smile, cooing at Charlie, who proceeds to smile in return for the very first time ever. Phil's so surprised that he's not even disappointed that the smile isn't aimed at him.

“Oh my gosh, he's smiling!” Phil says in excitement. “Dan, get a picture! Keep doing whatever you're doing and get a picture of my baby smiling!”

Dan keeps talking to Charlie, asking him if he's the cutest baby in all of London and pulls out his phone, with Charlie squirming and smiling the entire time.

Phil thinks his heart might just swell out of his chest for how proud and pleased and in love with his baby that he is. “Charlie is the best baby in all of the world, not just London, Dan,” he announces, his cheeks hurting from how much he's grinning.

Dan snaps a picture of Charlie and then a moment later, one of Phil. “Mind if I tweet these?” He asks. Phil nods his assent and checks Dan's twitter a minute later.

_Charlie smiled for the first time today_ reads the first tweet, followed up by  _@amazingphil is smiling even bigger than his son, I think. Who's cuter?_

Within minutes there's a rush of responses alternating between saying Charlie or Phil is cuter and Dan grins at Phil. “They love your baby.”

Phil kisses Charlie's head, smelling the scent of baby shampoo. “Not nearly as much as me.” 

Dan pauses. “Or me.” He says after a long second. It's the first time he's really said he loves Charlie and he looks almost guilty, like he shouldn't, but Phil looks at him with gratitude and offers him Charlie. 

“He hasn't been burped, so be careful.” Phil says. Dan takes Charlie and grabs a couple paper towels, placing them on his shoulder and gently rubbing Charlie's back until Charlie hiccups and spits up a little. 

“There we go,” Dan says. “What a good baby you are.” He throws away the towel and glances at the fridge. 

“What's this about a baby swimming class?” He asks.

“Oh, I wanted to try taking Charlie swimming. I looked it up on the internet and apparently babies instinctively hold their breath underwater until they're about six months old and there are baby swimming classes just to let babies splash around and stuff. I was gonna take him to one.” Phil explains.

“Oh, sounds cool.” Dan pauses again. “Um, can I come with?”

“Yeah, if you want.” Phil's not surprised at all that Dan wants to come and while he hadn't been planning on asking Dan, he's more than happy to let Dan share in the cuteness that hopefully will be his baby in a pool, splashing around.

“Awesome. Uh, I bought another toy for Charlie. It's a sort of gym – it's got a suspended bar with toys that dangle and a mirror and it plays music. Did you want to see if he likes it?”

Charlie definitely seems to like music, if the fact that about 90% of the time that he cries for no apparent reason, the music box that Phil bought him is enough to calm him down.

“Sure, where is it? I'll go get it for you,” Phil says as he follows Dan into the living room.

“It's in my room in a bag.” Dan says, distracted, because he's busy lying Charlie down on his back and blowing kisses up and down his tummy and making Charlie squeal with delight.

Discreetly, Phil takes a few second video of Dan and tweets it as well with _@danisnotonfire is just as enamored with my baby as I am._

As he goes into Dan's room and finds the new toy, he hears Dan go, “huh?” as his phone starts to alert him to what is presumably tweets aimed at him.

Phil checks, still in Dan's room, and sure enough, there's a few messages already aimed at Dan, things along the lines of “omfg this is so cute” and “dan how dare you be so adorable” and even one that reads “is dan charlie's new daddy????”

When Phil returns, Dan is shaking his head. “You shouldn't encourage them,” he says. “I mean, half of them think we're in a relationship anyways.” He sounds tense as he says that, frustrated.

“Well, we're not, but I mean, if it was Louise or PJ or hell, my mum, I'd still have made that video. It's not a case of trying to encourage them, it's a case of that was really sweet.” Phil explains. “And again, like I said the other day, who cares if they get the wrong idea? For as much as you help me out with Charlie, I think you deserve some visible appreciation.”

He can actually see Dan relax in front of him. “I guess you're right,” Dan says. “I mean, I don't want them to get the wrong idea but at the same time, if you're okay with taking videos and pictures of me and Charlie, I don't mind. You know how much I care about him.”

“Yeah, I know.” Phil says, smiling at Dan, who smiles back at him without hesitation, and Charlie's got his fingers curled around Dan's index finger and Dan's offhandedly running his thumb over Charlie's entire hand, and he looks so content and Phil has a flashback to the first time he really knew Dan cared about his baby because all he can think about for a split second is that Dan looks beautiful, his smile soft and eyes warm.

It throws him for a second and his breath catches in his chest and he clears his throat to break the silence. “Got the toy,” he manages, and the strange moment he's just experienced passes as Dan helps Phil unfold the toy and set it up.

They settle Charlie onto it and Phil figures out how to turn on the music, to which it begins to play “Pop Goes The Weasel”.

Apparently Dan didn't know that it was interactive because when it gets to the “pop” of “pop goes the weasel”, one of the toys vibrates and Charlie focuses on it with an “ah!” noise and Dan and Phil both grin simultaneously.

“Looks like he likes it,” Dan comments as Charlie lies on his back and reaches for one of the toys, swinging his hand and missing the first time and then connecting the second time, grabbing on and shaking it a little.

They end up sitting there for a good half-hour while Charlie plays, listening to “Pop Goes The Weasel” until Phil thinks his ears might bleed if he hears it one more time, but he's also willing to put up with it because Charlie's having so much fun.

By the time Charlie yawns and starts to lose interest, Phil's starting to get hungry for dinner and Dan offers to put down Charlie in his crib so Phil can start dinner.

Since Dan's gone vegan, he's started buying vegan alternatives to meat and Phil's got quorn chorizo that he's been defrosting plus taco seasoning and he stirs in a can of beans into the chorizo as he prepares dinner for them.

He chops up some tomatoes and lettuce to add to the mix and throws it all together until it's a medley of the ingredients.

Dan wanders in as he's cooking. “Smells good,” he says. “Charlie's sleeping. He went straight to bed.” He pulls out a chair and plops down in it, playing with his phone.

It only takes another couple of minutes to finish making dinner. That's the good thing about quorn is that it really doesn't need to cook like meat does. He serves himself three tacos and then lets Dan have at the rest of the mix, Dan taking four tacos for himself.

“It's amazing you stay so skinny,” Phil dryly comments as Dan loads up the taco shells.

“Existential crises burn calories,” Dan replies equally as dryly and Phil, who was taking a bite, snorts and almost chokes on his food.

“Goddamnit,” Phil mutters as he tries not to laugh. Dan grins at him and heads back to the lounge where he opens up his laptop and proceeds to begin to browse the internet as he eats.

Dan's kind enough to clean up when they've finished eating, scraping what little of the mix is left into a plastic container and washing up.

The rest of the evening passes with Phil playing a video game, leaving Dan to himself, and he heads to bed early, around nine, after feeding Charlie. He's exhausted today and Dan offers to get Charlie's feeding at midnight so Phil silences the alarm that's supposed to go off at midnight on his phone.

 

He wakes up at three in the morning to find Dan sitting in the dark next to Charlie. He squints as he puts on his glasses and turns on the light.

“Dan?” He asks and Dan blinks and looks at him. He's got one hand in Charlie's crib and Charlie's hand is loosely curled around his finger, as he loves to do.

Dan gives Phil a weak smile. “I'm being a bit daft,” he mutters. “All I could think about after you went to bed was how babies sometimes suffocate in their sleep and I looked up what age babies roll over by themselves and even though it says they don't start until they're like four months old, I was thinking about what if Charlie managed to somehow roll over by accident and suffocated. And I was too afraid it might happen so I was sitting up watching him sleep. I was going to come to bed soon, I swear.”

Phil stares at Dan, a tiny part of his heart simultaneously breaking and filling with warmth. “Dan, don't worry, you and I have seem him on his back moving around plenty and he's never rolled over and he's slept fine his entire life.” Phil tries to soothe Dan.

“I just don't want anything to happen to him,” Dan says. “I told you I was being stupid.” His voice sounds tight.

“It's not stupid,” Phil says. “C'mere.” He reaches forward and pulls Dan upright from Dan's computer chair, which apparently he brought in without waking up Phil, though he notes Dan doesn't let his one arm leave the crib so Charlie can still hold onto his finger.

Phil gives Dan a loose one-armed hug. “I'm the dad who needs to worry about this stuff, remember? And if I'm not worried, you don't have to be worried.”

Dan huffs out a noise and turns to look at Charlie. “What if he gets sick? What are we gonna do then?”

Phil sighs at Dan and smiles. “Well, they have these amazing people called paediatricians nowadays, plus this revolutionary thing called medication. I think we'll manage.”

Dan frowns at him, apparently put-off that he's not being taken seriously enough. “Really, though. I mean, I don't want him getting sick. It would suck.”

“Yeah, it would, and it'll happen eventually, but you can't stay up all night worrying about it.” Phil says. “Weren't we just joking about your existential crisises earlier today?”

Dan shrugs, looking exhausted. “It's just my stupid neuroses.”

“Go to sleep, Dan. He'll be fine, I promise.” Phil says. Dan looks at Charlie one more time, finally pulling his hand free from Charlie's gentle grip, and settles into bed.

Charlie isn't that interested in food for his feeding so Phil puts him back to sleep after ten minutes have gone by with Charlie barely taking anything from the bottle, although his diaper is soiled which Phil changes and returns to his bedroom, lying them both down.

His six-o-clock feeding goes more smoothly and Phil climbs back into bed at six-twenty, head hitting the pillow and falling out instantly.

That's one thing that having a baby has brought him is the ability to fall asleep in about thirty seconds flat, to grab onto as much time as possible between feedings and changing.

When he wakes at five minutes to nine, he turns off the alarm so it won't wake Dan, although his movement does that instead. He's half-hard again but he realises that between his blankets and Dan's, it's probably not noticeable to Dan. He's got one arm over Dan again, though, and Dan's actually pressed up against him, back to Phil's chest.

“Sorry,” Phil apologises as he starts to lift his arm but even as he does, Dan murmurs, “You don't have to.”

Phil pauses and lowers his arm again. “I was gonna feed Charlie and get up for the day,” he says after a moment. Dan yawns loudly and presses his face into the pillow. “You don't have to get up. Go back to bed.”

“Stay here for another couple of minutes?” Dan asks. And it should be strange, because while he and Dan have shared a bed before, they've never cuddled like this. But Phil stays put, tightening his arm ever so gently over Dan, and he thinks he feels Dan lean his weight slightly back towards him.

He doesn't mind this. They both are fans of cuddling, he knows that much, though it was with respective partners in the past. But this is nice, Phil supposes. He lies still, nose almost in Dan's hair, arm holding Dan in place, feeling Dan's breathing even out as he falls back asleep after a couple of minutes.

“Okay,” Phil whispers, more to himself than Dan. “I'll do this if you want.” He doesn't know why he's saying it, since Dan is already asleep, but it's almost like he's assuring himself that it's okay.

 

When it comes time for them to go to the baby pool, they go shopping beforehand and get Charlie a tiny infant swimsuit and swim diapers. His little baby swimtrunks are a little big, but they pull the strings on it extra-tight to secure it.

Dan brings a plastic rattle with as well, as a website states to bring a toy that the baby can splash at and reach for.

When they get to the pool, they take turns holding Charlie while they change into their own pool trunks and then head out to where there's an instructor with three other parents.

Charlie is by far the youngest, with the rest of the babies being five, six, and eight months respectively, and Phil instinctively tightens his grip on Charlie as he slowly steps into the water.

It's a special, smaller pool for kids, just over a meter deep, and the water only comes up to Phil's bellybutton. The water is also cool but not cold, though colder than the temperature of Charlie's baths.

Charlie makes a noise as Phil gently lowers his feet into the water, kicking. Dan's joining them, watching Charlie as nervously as Phil is. “Is he okay?” He asks Phil, who holds Charlie steady, just his feet submerged, cupping him under the butt with one hand and holding him against Phil's body for security.

“Yeah, I think so.” Phil says. “Here, let me try lowering him a little more.” He dips Charlie lower until the water is up to Charlie's stomach and Charlie squeals, kicking under the water.

“Show him the rattle,” Phil suggests. It's one of Charlie's favourite toys, a big red thing that never fails to please him. Dan had set it on the edge of the pool and now he brings it over and shakes it for Charlie, distracting him.

Charlie focuses on that instead of the water and kicks again, this time actively twisting in Phil's arms towards the toy.

Dan puts the toy in Charlie's hand and Charlie grasps it tightly. The water helps him wiggle it around and his mouth curls into a half-smile, hanging open slightly, as he pulls it towards him.

“Shwoooo,” Phil makes an airplane noise as he skims Charlie forward in the water away from him, testing Charlie's boundaries now that he's distracted. Charlie kicks some more, this time with his entire body, but he's not upset, just reacting to the sensation of water.

Phil does it again, spinning himself and Charlie in a little circle through the water, and the water crests and splashes Charlie's chest. He doesn't like that and lets out a tiny whimper and Phil immediately lifts him up, pulling him back to him.

“It's okay, Charlie. Daddy's sorry.” He tells his son. Dan steps forward to distract Charlie and Phil turns Charlie enough that Dan can kiss Charlie's cheeks and tummy and blow a fart on it and that, as it always has, is enough to make Charlie throw his arms and smile again.

“Your baby is so cute,” one of the parents comments. She's around Phil's age, he suspects, and she's got lovely skin, flawless and dark, beautiful brown eyes and full lips and her teeth are bright white as she smiles at them, her curly black hair pulled up into a bun. She's the type of girl he'd want to ask out if it weren't for the wedding ring and her husband standing next to him.

“Thank you,” he says instead. “He's a really good baby – he almost never cries. I wasn't sure how he'd react to cold water though.”

“Well his daddies certainly love him a lot and take care of him very well.”

“Wha- oh, uhm.” He's about to say that Dan's just his flatmate and helps out but Dan's already piping in.

“Yeah, Phil's great with him and I do my best.” Phil looks at Dan and Dan glances at him, blinking innocuously.

As they focus back on Charlie, Phil asks, sotto voce, “I could have explained we're not together?”

“Well, you've said who cares if someone thinks we're together, it was totally innocent. She didn't seem to recognise us, so I doubt she was a fangirl. It just seemed easier.”

Dan looks a little nervous and Phil notices that he's reaching for Charlie and he lets Dan take Charlie, watching Dan press a kiss to Charlie's temple.

“Yeah, I guess. You're right.” Phil agrees after a minute. “That's twice in like two weeks that someone's thought we were a couple outside of our videos and stuff,” he says with a little grin. “This baby is doing nothing for my love life.”

Dan grins back. “What'd you expect? You have a baby, you don't get a love life until he's like three.”

“Oh, don't say that. I miss sex.” Phil whispers back very quietly so nobody overhears that. But it's true, he doesn't have time to really get together with anybody and he honestly is almost worried about having sex with his one female friend and risking getting her pregnant, even with her being on the pill and him using a condom.

“I miss it too,” Dan admits. “I've been beleaguered by a lack of it. It's been five months for me.”

Phil pulls a face. “Beat me by a month. Sucks for you.”

Dan sighs. “I mean, I'm sure I could go out and pull some girl if I wanted, but I kind of want a relationship but at the same time, half the girls I meet end up knowing who I am from Youtube and it's hard to really feel like we're on equal footing.”

Phil understands and feels the same way, telling Dan as much. “You'll find someone.” He assures Dan. “Here, put Charlie back down.” He sinks down so that he can go eye to eye with his son as Dan carefully puts Charlie down to his mid-chest, reaching out and taking Charlie's hands in his.

Dan keeps up a steady, one-sided conversation with Charlie, talking about how nice the water is and how fun it is to be in the water, and between the two of them, they keep Charlie distracted enough that he seems to start enjoying being in the water.

Phil doesn't want to risk dipping him under the water today and so after another five minutes he thanks the instructor for letting them come and he and Dan exit the pool, towelling off Charlie and then themselves, changing.

“Well, that was certainly fun,” Dan says as they make their way out of the building. “We should do that again. Charlie seemed to like it near the end.”

“Yeah, he did.” Phil smiles. “We can go again next week if you'd like.” Dan sniffs Charlie.

“He needs a bath. He smells a bit like chlorine.” Dan comments and Phil leans in and sniffs as well.

“Yeah, he does. I'll give him a bath tonight. Do we have enough baby wash?” Phil asks and then realises a second later that he should know. It's not Dan's place to know. “Never mind, if we don't, I'll go and get some.”

Dan looks confused but doesn't say anything. “Yeah, I guess if you need to. I think we've got enough though.”

They ride him in relative quiet, Phil thinking to himself quite a bit that he's becoming too reliant on Dan and resolving to stop that.

 

The next couple of weeks pass without incident, although Phil makes sure to take over the majority of feedings and changings and baths, even when Dan offers, trying to make it explicit that Dan doesn't have to take care of Charlie so much.

They go back to the pool and each time, Charlie is better with the water until by the third time, they risk putting him underwater and he responds fine, splashing his way through the water.

Phil watches as Charlie grows stronger, lifting himself up slightly, just slightly, with his head and chest and seeing as his hand to eye coordination grows better.

According to his books, Charlie should be able to eat around eight ounces at a time now and sleep six hours through the night, with a nap of an hour and a half to two hours each day.

He adjusts his clocks for feeding every six hours unless Charlie seems particularly fussy and hungry. He's learned Charlie's hungry noises, which are are whiny “aaaahh”s, now and is looking forward to seeing if Charlie does in fact sleep that long through the night.

His entire body almost aches for the idea of six hours of sleep without a break.

When he mentions this to Dan, Dan rolls his eyes. “You know I'd help out more, but you don't want me to for some reason,” and he gives Phil a look that is explicitly hurt.

Phil ignores it as best he can. He's busy feeding Charlie and focuses on the bottle. There's eight full ounces in it and Charlie's down to the last ounce and pulls off the nipple, mouth milky.

He tries burping Charlie but nothing comes up and so instead he sits with Charlie on his lap, singing a song to him and bopping him up and down on his knee, playing and keeping Charlie's attention on him.

Charlie grins and Phil continues, smiling back at his son. “You're such a good baby,” he announces. Charlie focuses on Phil's mouth and lets out a little laugh as Phil continues to bounce him.

He does it in a pattern, four bounces on his knee and then stopping, and eventually Charlie starts to let out a little squeal when Phil stops. When Phil bounces him again, Charlie laughs, and that's how they go, bounce bounce bounce bounce, stop, squeal, bounce again to Charlie's laughter.

Except Phil does it for a bit too long and all of a sudden Charlie hiccups and spits up all over Phil's chest and Phil yelps and then groans, glancing down at the milky vomit on him.

“Damnit,” he groans. Dan, meanwhile, is laughing hysterically at him, curled up into himself.

“You deserved that. What were you thinking, bouncing him so soon after he ate?” Dan asks.

“Shut up,” Phil grumbles. “Can you hold him while I change?”

“You actually want me to?” Dan asks. “I mean, you've barely been letting me near him.” His voice sounds terse and Phil levels Dan with a brief, unamused look. “Okay.” He reaches for Charlie. “I'm going to go wash his face off.” Dan says as he heads towards the kitchen.

Phil throws his ruined t-shirt into the laundry pile and changes into a new one. When he returns to the kitchen, he takes Charlie back from Dan and sets him down on his toy gym that Dan bought him.

Dan's noticeably hurt by Phil's sudden forcing him to retract his care of Charlie and doesn't say anything when Phil comes back, on his laptop. Phil sits on his own end of the couch, which is rare – usually they browse side by side on the computer, but he gives Dan his space – and googles “interesting baby facts”, just wanting to find new things.

 

At ten, Phil states that he's going to feed Charlie early and see how long Charlie sleeps if he puts him down now and he'll get up. Dan sighs but says nothing.

One thing he's noticed is that both he and Dan have a much more regulated sleep schedule – they usually both are in bed by eleven at the latest. In fact, about half the time, Dan goes to bed with Phil, even if he doesn't seem especially tired.

Phil suspects that it's so that Dan can be rested for if he has to get up with Charlie to feed him. He's testing Dan by stating he'll get up with Charlie, wondering if Dan will stay up as he heads to bed.

However, Dan heads to his bedroom and changes into his pyjamas and then joins Phil in bed about ten minutes after Phil's lain down. His weight awakens Phil and Phil blinks a little.

“Hi,” Dan whispers. He rests his head on the pillow, turning it towards Phil, and Phil cracks an eye open at him.

“Hey,” he whispers back.

“So what were you looking at all night? You kept smiling,” Dan murmurs. Phil's half-asleep and tries to recall some of the facts he learned.

“Stuff about babies. Interesting facts. Apparently men can lactate.” Phil says. That's the most interesting thing he learned.

Dan sputters out a laugh. “What?”

“Yeah, apparently after World War II, starved men who were given adequate nutrition began to lactate, and pituitary issues can also cause it. It's more common in other animals but scientists think if you allowed someone to suckle long enough and commonly enough on a male, he'd produce milk, though they don't know if it would have the same nutrition as a female's breast milk.”

Dan's quiet for a moment. “So which of us would be the mommy?”

Phil's eyes shoot open. “What the fuck.” He states. “Dan, what.”

“I mean if one of us had to do it, who do you think would do it?” Dan asks. He's smiling, Phil can tell from the tone of his voice.

“Dan, we have a three month old baby who might start crying at any given moment and I want to sleep for more than three hours for the first time in three months.”

Dan nods. “Okay, so I'm going to assume since you're the main parent you'd be the mommy.”

“Dan, I don't want to be the mommy!” Phil growls at him and Dan starts giggling.

“Wait, let me go get my camera and say that again so I can record that for posterity.”

Phil glares at him. “I'm going to throw you off the bed if you don't shut up.” He threatens. Dan silences himself, though he's grinning so hard that his cheeks have to hurt.

After a minute, Phil speaks again. “Dan, Charlie's going to be sleeping a lot better now, apparently. I'll be getting more sleep. You don't have to sleep here anymore. I can handle his feedings by myself.”

Dan's quiet, not saying a word, and Phil watches him push his face into the pillow. “I don't mind,” he says, voice muffled.

“Dan. Go back to your room, okay?” Phil requests, tired but earnestly, and something in his voice must hit Dan, and Dan heaves out a long sigh, gets up, taking his blanket and pillow with him.

Dan pauses by Charlie's crib and Phil lifts himself up to squint in the darkness, eyes having adjusted enough to barely make out Dan kiss his fingertips and press them to Charlie in his crib. “G'night, Charlieboy,” Dan whispers.

Then he shuffles out of the room. Phil closes his eyes and within a minute is asleep again.

Charlie wakes him at quarter to five for food and Phil changes his diaper after he feeds him. He hears Dan get up and while Phil's in the kitchen, Dan pads into the kitchen.

“Is he okay?”

“Go back to bed,” Phil requests. “He's fine.” He doesn't turn to look at Dan, even as Charlie does twist in his arms.

It takes a second but Dan mutters, sounding put-off, “fine,” and his footsteps carry him away quietly.

Phil's able to sleep in to ten and when he wakes up, Charlie's not in his crib. He heads to the lounge and finds Dan with Charlie in his lap, playing on his phone, Charlie holding onto the edge of Dan's phone with one of his tiny, chubby hands.

“Hey,” Phil says. “Why'd you get Charlie?”

“I missed him. You've barely let me near your baby in two weeks,” Dan says. Phil wants to walk over and take Charlie but Dan's got one arm curled around Charlie and Phil wonders if Dan might actually fight him over it.

Phil's not awake yet, he hasn't had coffee, and before he realises it, he's muttering, “Charlie's not your responsibility. You're only twenty-four, you're too young to be doing this, taking care of a baby. You should be out having fun and partying with your friends.”

“You're twenty-eight and you didn't want a baby and you have one now and you're not going out partying, you're taking care of your baby! I don't mind taking care of him too.”

“But he's _not your responsibility_ ,” Phil says, flatly. “Charlie's my baby. I know we have no bloody idea how but he is. Charlie is not your son. You have no reason to take care of him.”

“I want to!” Dan argues right back. “He might not be my baby but I love Charlie, if you haven't noticed.”

“I know you love him. And he loves you too.” Phil says, frustrated. “But Dan, I don't want you to have this life. I want you to live your life. I'm not going to back down on this.”

Dan glares at him, scooping up Charlie and kissing him on the forehead and whispering something to him that Phil can't hear.

“Fine,” he announces. “I'll go out tonight if that's what you want. You can have your baby and your need to raise him all by yourself.”

Phil sighs as Dan hands Charlie over and storms out of the room. Dan doesn't speak to him for the rest of the day except to announce that he's going out and not to stay up waiting for him around six.

Phil spends time in the flat alone for the first time in a long time. Charlie gets hungry around eight and Phil puts Charlie down at nine-thirty after feeding, changing, bathing, and playing with him. Once he's sure that Charlie's sleeping, he decides to have a couple of drinks.

Charlie will sleep long enough that he can relax. They've got a bottle of wine that Phil uncorks and pours himself a hefty glass.

After two glasses, Phil's feeling the effects and sips his third glass slower, making it his last. He doesn't want to get drunk, just enough to distract himself from the half-fight that they had earlier.

He falls asleep on the couch at some point, the last time he checks the clock being ten past eleven. And in a way, he wishes Dan had stayed with him. He would have shared the wine and they could have had a good time together.

 

He awakens to Dan coming home and rights his glasses on his face, looking at his laptop screen, which is far too bright just after waking. It's 1:07 in the morning. He should probably wake up Charlie and feed him.

Before he can do that, Dan's sitting next to him and gently prodding him. “Philly,” he whispers, and Phil can tell that Dan's at least tipsy, if not drunk, from his voice alone.

“Don't call me Philly,” Phil mutters.

“Phil,” Dan says, voice serious. Phil pushes himself up. “You okay? Why are you sleeping here?”

“Cos I fell asleep on the couch after having some wine,” Phil says, tired and a little sour. Dan is quiet and Phil gathers his brain. Right before he's about to stand and go feed Charlie, Dan speaks.

“I had fun tonight,” Dan announces.

“Good. You should.” Phil tells him, meaning it and trying to forget how lonely he was while Dan was out. Dan puts a hand on Phil's thigh and speaks again.

“I had fun. But, I mean, Phil, what I really wanted? Was to be sitting with you and Charlie. I might be in the prime of my life, but if you haven't noticed at some point since, I don't know, we met, I'm a nerd. Drinking and going out with friends was fine and fun and all, but honestly? I wanted to be kicking your arse at a video game. It's not even about Charlie.” Dan pauses here. “I mean, in a way it is about Charlie, I love him and I love doing things with him, but you're my best friend and I mean, I didn't really go out before Charlie, did I?” 

Phil feels Dan's fingers suddenly run across the back of his neck and push into his hair and Phil leans his head back against the touch woozily. Dan sighs heavily and Phil turns to look at him, Dan's fingers still in his hair, and Dan's staring at his knees. 

“I don't want to go out, okay? I mean, if I wanted to, I'd go out. I mean it. Charlie's not keeping me here against my will. I want to be here with you and Charlie.” Dan mutters. 

Phil is silent, feeling guilt push through him. He shouldn't have forced Dan to go out. Everything that Dan's said is true. 

He stares at Dan and it takes him a good fifteen seconds to realise that Dan's still got his fingers in Phil's hair and is actually just barely stroking his thumb across Phil's skin, and Phil suddenly jolts forward. 

“Your hand,” he states, and Dan retracts it quickly, and they both let out a little, nervous laugh. 

“I'm … I'm gonna head to bed.” Phil announces. He pauses. “If you want – you can sleep there. And feed Charlie and change his dirty diaper and do whatever you want if that's what you _really_ want.” 

Dan looks at him and there's something akin to gratitude in his eyes. “Yeah, Phil. I really do want that. Wanker.” 

Phil laughs a little at that. “You're a freak for wanting that when you don't need it.” 

Dan seems to mull it over for a few seconds before he speaks again. “I think I do need it though. I couldn't have it any other way anymore. I love Charlie.” 

“Charlie loves you too,” Phil replies after a second. “Come on, I guess.” He gets up and Dan follows him, hurrying to his bedroom and returning a minute later with his pillow. 

Phil falls asleep with Dan next to him and when Charlie starts crying at two, Dan jerks upright and Phil mutters, “Want me to get him?” 

“Nah, I'm up.” Dan murmurs back and Phil assents to that, listening to Dan getting up. 

Something seems off about the bed. He drifts asleep before he can figure out what it is though. 

Later, he wakes up, Dan curled up under his arm and he's so used to it that he doesn't even think about it. He's hard but too tired to get up yet and Dan's body is pressed tight against his and - 

\- Phil's eyes snap open. That's what's wrong with the bed. Dan didn't bring his covers. He's sleeping under the blankets with Phil and Phil is hard and Dan's arse is pressed against Phil and oh fuck.

Phil automatically pulls away and his movements startle Dan into awakeness as Phil makes sure his hips are as far away from Dan's body as he can be. His sudden nervousness has killed his morning wood and thankfully he's softening in his pyjama pants and he swings himself out of bed. 

“Coffee?” He asks, a bit too loudly, brightly, and Dan rolls over to stare at him. 

“Yeah. You okay?” Dan props himself up on an elbow. His hair is rumpled and curling slightly at the edges and he squints at Phil, half-smiling, confused. 

_ Fuck, he looks adorable _ . 

What. Wait. Where the hell had that thought come from? Phil stares at Dan for a second and then gets out, “Yeah, I'm fine!” and turns tail to the kitchen. 

He's tired and misses sex. That's got to be it. He just needs coffee and to clear his head. And not think about the fact that Dan has such a sweet sleepy morning face.

Phil resolutely focuses on making coffee, doing everything to put his mind on any topic but what he just thought. 

When Dan wanders into the kitchen a few minutes, Phil looks at him. It's just Dan. Sleepy Dan, quiet and reaching for the freshly brewed coffee. Not adorable. Just Dan. 

Good. That's good. 


	11. Chapter 11

Phil can't believe how fast time flies. Maybe he's getting used to having a baby but three months turns to four months turns to five months.

The books say that Charlie should be sitting upright, which he is, rolling over, which he's started to, getting a stronger grip – that's certainly true; pulling a toy from him is difficult and frequently Phil or Dan play tug of war with Charlie.

Even though the books say he should be sleeping through the night, Phil would rather risk overfeeding him for now and puts him to bed at nine, waking him at four for a quick meal, then putting him back down until nine when he wakes up.

He stays up until noon, where Phil feeds him and he naps until two, and then Phil wakes him again until five for a half-meal and again at nine.

A doctor's visit declares him clear to start his first solid food and that alone is a big deal for Phil, leaving Charlie with his mum for a well-missed afternoon by her while he and Dan go shopping – and even if Phil pauses and tells Dan he doesn't need to come, Dan gives him a flat look and Phil drops it – and they buy pureed fruits and vegetables and oatmeal for babies.

Yet again, the cashier gives them a toothy grin, her permed, over-dyed red hair in a fluffy bun on her head, and tells them, “Good luck with your baby!,” and Dan claps a hand on Phil's shoulder, saying, “Thanks, Philly's nervous about introducing him to real food.”

Phil hisses, as they depart, “I swear on my life, Dan, I will kick your shins until they bleed if you call me Philly again.”

Five minutes later, on the bus, Dan says, casually, “Philly, you're the best dad I've ever known.”

Phil would kick him if he wasn't busy glowing with pride, though he does clamp a hand on Dan's thigh and squeeze hard. Dan grins, rather than flinching. “You're a sucker.” He tells Phil. It's probably true.

Phil isn't sure what to expect but his first time with solid food for Charlie doesn't go well.

He's got sweetened oatmeal in a bowl and he spoons it up, gently bringing the spoon to Charlie's mouth.

Charlie opens his mouth at the touch of the spoon to his lips and Phil thinks it's going to go smoothly until the actual food touches Charlie's tongue as he tips the spoon and Charlie proceeds to spit all over him.

He tries again, adding a little more sugar in case it's not sweet enough, and Charlie coughs, spits again, and swats with his hand hard enough to unsettle the entire bowl in Phil's hand until it covers his lap.

Phil blinks a few times and looks at Dan, who's biting back a grin, failing miserably, eyes crinkling. “Maybe he doesn't like it?” Dan squeaks out, trying not to giggle, and Phil glares.

“I will put you down,” Phil threatens. Dan cackles merrily and leaves the room, returning with his phone. “Oh, don't you even _fucking_ dare!”

Dan snaps a picture and tweets it. _@amazingphil tried feeding Charlie solids – what a grand success._

Phil resolves to put Dan's hand in a bowl of warm water that night. “You try it then.” He offers.

Twenty minutes later, Dan's equally covered in pureed fruit and they've wasted ten quid.

He sits, holding Charlie, who has started enunciating in the last week and is currently babbling “ba-ba” over and over, staring at his bottle on the counter.

“Try feeding him normally?” Dan sighs, wiping at pureed peach off his cheek. Phil goes through the motions and when he brings the bottle in, Charlie almost yells, “ba-bah!” and Phil lifts an eyebrow.

“He's saying bottle!”

They're both grabbing their phones as Charlie sits in his feeding chair and his bottle sits on the tray as he grabs it with his hand.

“Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba,” Charlie babbles and they're both recording. Phil swoops in and kisses Charlie's cheek.

“Bottle, yes, you're so smart! Can you say 'da-da?'” Charlie turns to look at him and enunciates “hah,” loudly.

“Close, but no cigar,” Phil tells him. “Da-da?”

“Wah,” Charlie tells him instead. Phil glances at Dan, who is smiling brightly still.

“Hey, 'ba-ba' is pretty impressive.” Dan tells him. Phil swoops Charlie up from his chair and lifts him in the air, spinning around and Charlie lets out a shriek of glee.

Phil settles Charlie and feeds him and resolves to wait a week before trying solid foods again.

 

When Charlie's a little over five months, his first teeth start to come in and he screams. A lot. He cries and whimpers and wails and Phil freezes his pacifier and rubs numbing gel and it does nothing to help.

There's nothing Phil can do, but to make matters worse, when Charlie's five months and a week old and Phil's tweeting a video of him rolling over, he notices a yellow crust around Charlie's nose forming.

He frowns and wipes it away. The next day, Charlie's nose is running and he's got grit on his eyes. Two days later, Charlie's coughing and his nose is clogged, eyes gunky with greenish-yellow goop, and he's sobbing nonstop.

Even with Dan's comforting actions of kissing his tummy and chest and arms and legs, it only stops his crying for twenty or thirty minutes at a time, snot smearing his face, coughing and wheezing.

Neither Phil or Dan can sleep that night, waking up every few minutes that they fall asleep, Phil repeatedly telling Dan to stay in bed while he checks on Charlie, trying to hope that he's doing a little better, but he's not, snot reformulating as fast as he can wipe it away.

Dan pulls out the syringe meant for suctioning out mucus and with a bit of a struggle, inserts it into Charlie's nose and Charlie wails miserably, yanking his head away from the intrusion.

“Shhhhh, come on, Charlieboy, work with me here,” Dan begs and Charlie sobs angrily, kicking and rolling away.

Phil eventually gets up and holds him down while Charlie is forced to let Dan suction out the gunk up his nose. An hour later, it's just as clogged as before and Dan's back at it.

Phil washes off Charlie's face repeatedly that night. He gets about two hours of sleep and even though it's only been two months that he's been sleeping well again, somehow he's forgotten the exhaustion and two hours of sleep has him blearily wiping at his face as he pulls Charlie in tight to him and carries him to the sink to wash him off.

“Maybe a bath,” he mumbles, not even finishing his sentence. Dan follows him, standing right behind him, chin resting on Phil's shoulder. He says something that Phil barely catches.

“-so fucking tired,” Dan mumbles. Phil nods. “You too?”

“I forgot how hard this was,” Phil says. “How did I get through this?”

“Adrenaline?” Dan suggests. He's got the syringe and is suctioning out Charlie's nose, much to Charlie's despair, and Phil holds him steady.

“I'm sorry, baby boy. I'm sorry, but you need to let Dan do this,” Phil tells Charlie, and Charlie yells, squirming and twisting.

It's September 15th and Charlie's been sick for three days. Any attempts at solids have been coughed up or thrown away and between the two of them, they've probably gotten a grand total of 19 hours of sleep since his sniffles went from mild to severe.

They're both sleep-deprived, Dan's eyes shadowed, matching Phil's, and when Charlie throws up, they really start to worry. The second time, Dan suggests the hospital, and the third time, Phil cuddles up his baby and tells Dan to call a cab.

Charlie's hot, sobbing, and Phil kisses his overheated forehead, scared and exhausted.

“Dan, come here, kiss his tummy?” Phil asks. Dan does as Phil requests but it does nothing. Charlie cries on and kicks and actually lands a solid kick on Dan's cheek, who backs off.

“Maybe not,” Dan says, looking worried. He holds down Charlie's legs and kisses his tummy again and Charlie whimpers, gags, and vomits in Dan's hair in one fell swoop.

Half a minute later, as Dan's hunched over the sink, the buzzer for their flat goes off. Phil glances at Dan, who waves at him, water spewing over his head.

“Go,” Dan spits out, water streaming across his face. “I'll meet you at the hospital. Get Charlie to see a doctor.”

The cab ride is long and Charlie doesn't stop crying and Phil tips the cabby way more than he needs to, apologetically.

He's sitting there for a half-hour before Dan shows up and the waiting room is slowly emptying, names being called, but nobody's coming for Charlie.

Another thirty minutes later and it's just him and one other person and the receptionist calls out, “Susan?”

The woman stands up, her short brunette hair cutting to her cheeks in a round curl, her toddler held close, a big chubby blonde boy who giggles.

Another ten minutes pass and Dan whispers, “how long have you been here?” Phil glances at his phone and murmurs, “just over an hour.”

Dan gets up, crossing over to the receptionist. “Hey, how long do we have to wait for someone to come and see what's wrong with our baby? We've been here for over an hour.”

The receptionist murmurs something and Dan glares. “I don't care if we've been here an hour or twenty-four hours, our baby is sick and he needs a doctor,” Dan fairly snarls.

Phil stands and crosses over, catching Dan by the shoulder, holding Charlie close to him with one arm. “Dan, come on.”

Dan stands firm for a few more seconds and then follows Phil. “Just hurry up,” he hisses to the receptionist. “I don't want Charlie suffering if he doesn't have to.”

“I know, sir. It'll just be a few more minutes,” she tells them as Phil drags Dan back to the chairs.

Dan pulls Charlie into his lap and wipes away goopy yellow crust from his eyes, wet-ugly tears streaming down his face, and kisses him. “Charlieboy, you'll have some medicine soon. You're so warm, your skin feels like it's burning up.”

When the nurse calls “Charlie Lester?”, Phil and Dan both bolt upright.

“Which of you is the father?” she asks as they advance. Phil glances at Dan, who has Charlie in his arms, and pulls his baby to him.

“I am.” he announces. She nods. “Can Dan come with me?”

“I'm afraid not, sir.” She's flat with her voice, though she gives him a sympathetic glance.

Phil looks at Dan who shoves his fingers through his own fringe in frustration, tugging it. “Just go see a doctor,” Dan tells him.

Phil passes through the door and goes into exam room 3, where a doctor with tan skin and a Middle-Eastern accent gently examines Charlie, talking to Phil the entire time.

“So, your main paediatrician is Arthur Kurt, right?” He asks. This facility is the same place that Phil has been having Charlie seen and he nods. “Alright, I'm Kolte Patil, and Dr. Kurt has been my tutor since I was in graduate school, so you can trust me to know whatever he knows.”

He looks young but earnest and he examines Charlie with time, letting Charlie cry it out as he examines his eyes, nose, lungs, and finally pronouncing that Charlie is suffering from a severe cold and his nasal drainage is probably causing him to vomit.

He scribbles down some medication on a notepad, ripping off the sheet and handing it over to Phil, who shoves it in his pocket.

Charlie's cries are steady as Phil and Dan take a cab, dropping off the prescription at the pharmacy and waiting the twenty minutes until it's filled.

Phil signs his name and takes the bottle of liquid medication and holds Charlie close as Dan signals another cab to take them home.

When they get home, he tries to soothe Charlie long enough to get a dropper full of medication down his throat and Charlie screams, squirms, kicks, fights him every second.

“Come on, Charlie,” Phil begs. “Take your medication.”

Dan kisses Charlie and tries kissing his stomach but Charlie wails away. Phil rubs his face tiredly and Dan takes the medication and sings to Charlie, to no avail.

It takes them thirty minutes to get a syringe full of medication down Charlie's throat, but after a few minutes it takes effect and Charlie's eyes droop shut and he finally falls asleep, no longer crying. Even though it's only half-past-noon, Dan and Phil both so tired that they fall into bed almost simultaneously after Phil lies Charlie down in his crib.

Phil crumples into a ball, curling up, and Dan shoves his legs out long, rolling onto his stomach, cracking his neck.

When Phil wakes up, though, it's to Charlie's wuffling, though Charlie goes back to sleep. He reaches for his phone and glances at it. 5:48. They've slept for just over five hours.

Phil's back is to Dan and Dan's tight against him, face against Phil's back, and Phil rolls over, until his face is pressed to Dan's forehead, where his hair falls loosely, unstyled.

Dan wakes up and yawns. “Charlie okay?” he mumbles. Phil listens to the sound of Charlie breathing. It's heavy but it's not as wheezy as before.

“I think for now,” he murmurs. Dan curls in closer and Phil feels his arm hang over Dan's hip and Dan presses his face into Phil's chest.

“Wha-” Phil mumbles. Dan presses in even tighter and he can't possibly be not noticing the nearness and Phil doesn't know what to do. Phil's face is buried in Dan's hair and he doesn't know what to say.

So he kisses Dan on the forehead, gently, and Dan tilts his head up, staring at Phil with exhausted eyes.

“Good, glad he's 'kay,” Dan mumbles, and Phil's not awake and neither's Dan and Phil's heart is pounding as he fights off coherency because that would be too much for him to understand.

He pulls Dan in tight and Dan yawns, lets out a wheezy snore, and Phil thinks of white noise, anything but that kiss to Dan's forehead.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we're up to Christmas in the fic! (You can all start going 'awwww' now because there's so much shmoop incoming that it's going to make you sick.) Also I swear that this fic will have actual smut at some point. This is basically the ultimate of slow-burn fics, though. I just love teasing y'all with the bits that I give you. ;) Longer than average chapter - about double what it regularly is! 9/22/15 edit of I FORGOT THAT PHIL ALREADY INCLUDED HIS BABY ON CAMERA BEFORE PLEASE IGNORE MY STUPIDITY.

Phil manages to keep his mind off the fact that he kissed Dan, however mildly on the forehead, for a good three days. It's made easier by the fact that he's concerned about his baby being sick and coupled by the fact that his baby being sick means he gets very little sleep so he's not exactly doing great on coherent thinking to begin with.

But on the fourth day after it happens, as Charlie seems to round the corner of his sickness and his nose ceases to be an endless fountain of snot and he can breath normally again, Phil finds himself wondering just why he did it.

To be honest, it wasn't a romantic thing. It was just … hell, automatic? He was trying to soothe Dan and it just seemed like the thing to do, much like his mum might do to him or like he might do to any female friend. It just isn't something he'd normally do with male friends because, well, the kind-of weirdness factor.

Except Dan's not just any male friend, he and Phil are so close that it just kind of transcends friendship. So that's why he did it. Just an automatic soothing gesture between friends.

Phil decidedly ignores the fact that in the last week, he's thought Dan looked adorable, and twice in the last five months he's actually thought Dan looked beautiful. That last bit, at least, is also unromantic as far as he can tell, simply the sheer truth of how radiant Dan had looked with Charlie.

Still, it's a little unnerving to Phil that he's having these thoughts about Dan. So he just decides to go with they're weird occurrences that aren't going to happen again.

To test this theory, he goes and looks at Dan right at that moment, where Dan's hunched into the couch playing on his computer. Sure enough, he looks like Dan and that's it.

Phil stands there for a few seconds and Dan looks up and offers him a smile. “What's up?”

Phil focuses on Dan's eyes, which are pleasant, a nice rich brown, but that's all. He focuses on Dan's smile and the dimples, and again, it's nice to look at, but he doesn't think 'adorable' or 'beautiful'.

“Just thinking,” he answers Dan.

“Come think over here by me. I'm lonely.” Dan jokes and his smile grows until his eyes squinch up at the corners and he's looking fondly at Phil and Phil feels a little shiver run up his spine at the fondness in Dan's eyes.

He ignores it, even as he crosses over to Dan and plops down on the couch next to him. “Any sign of Winston or his kin showing up?” Dan asks him, teasing Phil about the praying mantis incident of a few days ago.

“Not that I've seen,” Phil answers, and he's suddenly aware of the fact that even though they've been doing this for years, he's practically in Dan's lap for how close he's settled himself, and now he's overthinking every single thing about their interactions all because of one stupid bleeding kiss to the forehead.

He shifts over so that there's a more 'normal' space between them and Dan proceeds to shift and shove over towards Phil so that he's leaning into Phil's side and Phil can see the computer over Dan's shoulder.

Well. That went exactly as planned.

Phil can feel the heat of Dan's skin on his and his skin prickles from it. “Dan?” He begins.

“Yeah, Phil?” Dan doesn't look up from his screen, busy playing Flappy Bird. He's got a score of 6 with an apparent high score of the day of 10.

“Was it weird that I kissed your forehead?” Maybe he should just ask directly and get it out between them.

“What?” Dan asks, and he proceeds to hit a pipe in the game, and so he turns to face Phil. “When?”

“Four days ago when we took that nap after we got back from the doctor with Charlie.” Phil says.

Dan furrows his brows in confusion for a few seconds. “Oh yeah. You did, didn't you.” He thinks about it and shrugs with his free shoulder, not the one leaning against Phil. “No? I mean, I'm guessing you were like, half-asleep? We both were?”

“Yeah, I was thinking it was just be trying to be comforting,” Phil blusters, still unsteady.

“Yeah, that's all it was, Phil. Why are you asking? Are you freaked out by it?”

“No,” Phil says, honestly. _I'm just slightly freaked out by the fact that I thought you were adorable and also beautiful and the fact that you looking at me like I'm your favorite person in the world is like being hit with a ray of sunshine._ He doesn't voice that.

“Yeah, I didn't think so. You're not some homophobic prick.” Dan says. “So don't worry about it, you weirdo.”

“Yeah, alright,” Phil agrees. Dan stares at him for a minute, scrunches his face up into a silly expression, and then twists a bit more to plant a wet, loud kiss on Phil's forehead.

“There, we're back on equal footing.”

Phil wipes at the dampness left by Dan's mouth. “Ew, Dan, did you like, gather up spit or something on your lips beforehand?”

Dan snickers. “No, but I was being as obnoxious as possible.” He grins cheekily at Phil.

And just like that, it's all okay again. Phil's chest untightens, his brain clears, and it's just Dan and Phil like they've always been and he's good, everything's fine.

 

By the time Charlie's reached six months, he's finally started eating baby food on top of his bottles. He loves pureed banana and applesauce and amazingly enough, they've even gotten him to eat pureed yam once.

He's starting to get hefty – his weight has shot up to sixteen pounds, and when Phil looks at pictures of him holding Charlie from the first couple of weeks that Dan had taken versus now, it really hits him how much his baby has grown.

Charlie's gotten strong – he's starting to propel himself around the room on his stomach with his feet and it's much harder to risk running to the bathroom or to the bedroom for something when Phil knows Charlie might end up hurting himself somehow.

His eye colour has stayed the same, just settling to a slightly darker blue than when he was born, and his hair is still a beautiful shade of chestnut brown, thicker than when he was born, with a little cowlick at the back that seems to refuse to ever fall the same way as the rest of his hair.

The only problem with Charlie learning how to move is he can now roll over and sometimes does so in his sleep. He's not a fan of that and wakes up Phil and Dan with a peaky wail until one of them gets up and shifts him onto his back again.

Aside from that, he's sleeping six to seven hours at a time and Phil decides that Dan can and probably should move back to his own bedroom. He mentions it to Dan, reasoning that he doesn't need help waking up Charlie during the night to feed him, and Dan looks slightly surprised before agreeing.

The first night without Dan is, to be honest, weird. He's gotten so used to Dan there over the last six months that it actually takes him almost an hour and a half to fall asleep, checking his phone twice in frustration to see what time it is.

The second night, he's lying in bed, and he hears his door creak open. “Dan?” Phil asks, even as his brain helpfully supplies a second thought of 'murderous burglar', and he's a bit relieved to hear Dan mutter, “Yeah, it's me.”

“What are you doing in my bedroom at, uh,” he looks at his phone. “2:36 in the morning?”

Dan leans against the wall with a small thump. “Um. I can't sleep. I got like, two hours sleep last night. It's just weird sleeping in my bed, all alone.”

“Well, yeah, it's a little weird being alone, but you'll get used to it. I'm feeling the same way, but it'll just take time.” Phil says.

Dan heaves a sigh. “I'm so tired, Phil. And I can't sleep.”

“Just go lie back down. Put on white noise or something. It sometimes helped us with Charlie when he couldn't sleep, right?” Phil suggests.

Dan's quiet and then leaves the room, closing the door behind him. Phil manages to fall asleep again after about ten minutes and when he comes out of his bedroom the next morning, Dan's sitting in the kitchen already, eyes barely open, chin propped up in his hand, bleary, drinking coffee.

“Didn't sleep for shit,” Dan says. “I'm running on three and a half hours in two days.” There's faint purple shadows under his eyes. He's got pale skin to begin with but this just emphasises it.

“I'm sorry,” Phil says, honestly. “You'll sleep tonight, probably. Have a couple of drinks or something to relax before bed.”

He's going to visit his mum later that day with Charlie because she hasn't seen him in three weeks and has been asking to see her grandson now that he can move on his own and sit up and is starting to babble, so he's not around for most of the day.

When he gets back, it's late, a little after nine, and Dan's been drinking cherry vodka mixed with orange juice, apparently. He's had at least a few drinks because he's sloppy with his movements as he gets up to greet Phil under the pretense of kissing Charlie's forehead and proclaiming he's missed him. (Okay, it might not be a pretense, though he does hug Phil for longer than normal.)

Charlie's exhausted from playing with his grandmum all day and so Phil goes to put him to sleep and then flops out with his laptop in his own bed, resting his chin on his forearm as he stares at the screen.

Around eleven, he closes the laptop and sets it aside, curling up under his blankets.

He falls asleep within a few minutes and is awoken some time later to a knock at his door. He hears Charlie making a few noises at the interruption and then his door slowly opens and Dan mumbles his name.

“Dan?” Phil asks.

“I can't fucking sleep. I have literally been in bed for an hour and can't fall asleep.” Dan says, sounding decidedly drunk.

Phil sighs and takes pity on him. “Come on, then.” He shifts over and throws back the blankets. “Just for tonight.”

Dan must have brought his pillow with, that sure of himself, as he's under the blankets and tucking himself in within seconds, shuffling down until he's able to press his forehead just against Phil's chest, his hair tickling Phil's chin.

“Dan...” Phil begins. Dan doesn't reply and Phil doesn't know how to finish it. This is a one night more only thing? We can't do this? It's not normal?

Because he's instinctively putting an arm over Dan's hip and Dan's breathing is slowing down already, body limp. Phil stays awake for a good half-hour more but Dan must fall out instantly, exhausted, and at some point, his fingers come to curl against Phil's shirt, holding on tight.

The next night, when Phil gets up and gets ready for bed, Dan wordlessly follows him, climbing into bed a few seconds after Phil. His pillow is still there from the previous night.

“Dan.” Phil says, gently. “Your bed is in the other room.” He means for it to be encouraging but he's not sure if he's convincing either of them. Dan doesn't say a word.

“I'd rather sleep here.” Dan mutters. “I like hearing Charlie breathe.”

Phil's silent in response to that. “This is ridiculous, you know,” he informs Dan. Dan's face is pressed into the pillow a second later. “Even if I do like having you here,” Phil finally admits, if only to make Dan feel better.

“So just let me sleep here, Phil. It's only weird if you make it weird.” Dan says. Logically, Phil knows that it's not the norm, but Dan continues. “We've never been like most people when we're together.”

Phil turns off the light, staring as his eyes adjust to the dark, to where Dan's lying next to him, fringe almost in his eyes. Eventually, he must shut them and fall asleep and wakes up the next morning and Dan's sprawled out on his side, taking up three-quarters of the bed, hair a rumpled mess, sticking up, and Phil has the same feeling as when Charlie held his finger for the first time, his heart suddenly dropping into his stomach and warmth flooding him.

From then on, he doesn't argue when Dan joins him in bed. It goes just back to how they were before and there's nothing said between them to change it.

 

Over the next couple of months, they get mistaken as a couple another three times. The first time, the girl at the till hints to them that they can get a better deal with another brand, smiling and telling them that she always tries to help couples with a newborn baby with saving a few quid.

The next time, it's when they're out getting coffee and Charlie's not even with them this time and Dan and Phil both stammer something as they laugh awkwardly.

The third time, it's two weeks from Christmas and they're getting Charlie presents while he visits Phil's parents and the guy, who is very obviously definitely gay, winks at them and pulls a coupon out from the garbage and scans it. “Your baby is lucky to have you two as his daddies; look at all the toys he's getting.”

It's true. Dan's gotten a video that features zebras, continuing his theme of that animal for Charlie, plus several books that they're going to start reading to Charlie, since the developmental books Phil's read states this is a good age for that, some building blocks, some big wooden blocks that he can stack and knock over, and a toy phone that plays musical songs when you press the buttons.

This is on top of the multitude of gifts that Phil's bought Charlie and he's insisted that Dan leave several toys at the store because they're similar enough to what he's already bought his baby, plus he would prefer to stay Charlie's favourite thank you very much, and if Dan spoils his baby any more, that might just change.

They get a surprise that afternoon as Charlie, who has been crawling steadily for about a week, manages to grab hold of the lounge coffee table and haul himself onto his feet, wobbling about before falling backwards with a heavy plop onto his diapered bum.

There's a pause and then he begins to cry and Phil scoops him up, holding him close. “No, Charlie, don't cry,” he soothes his son, rubbing his back. Charlie ignores him in favour of wailing louder and after a minute, he looks at Dan.

“Do your tummy thing?” He requests, lying Charlie on his back, and Dan does his traditional act of blowing kisses all over Charlie's tummy and legs and arms and within twenty seconds, Charlie's cries are softening and another half a minute later, he's giggling and Dan's tickling his feet, grinning at him.

“That's my Charlieboy,” Dan tells him.

“Hey, can you watch him for a bit?” Phil asks, impulsively. He's decided that Dan deserves another gift besides what he's already bought him. “I forgot to get something while we were out.”

“Yeah, sure,” Dan already is pulling Charlie up into a sitting position and then putting him on his feet, holding him steady under his armpits. “We can practice standing and walking. Maybe by next week he can show off some new skills.”

Phil smiles. “That would be great. We can take a video of it and post it for the fans.”

While he's out, he gets a text from Dan and opens it to a video of Charlie in Dan's lap, Dan's face out of camera as he makes Charlie “talk”, two fingers gently opening and closing Charlie's lips, his other hand wrapped securely around Charlie's chest, and doing a high-pitched baby voice. “Don't forget to make sure the cashier gift-wraps Dan's gift, daddy!”

Phil snorts and sends back, _You're so sure that I'm out getting you gifts?_ He asks, as he examines two different black shirts, one of which has pale blue lines, thin as can be, crisscrossing it, while the other is just pure black.

He decides on the former and heads to check out, grabbing some candy as well for Dan. When he gets home, he grips the bag tight as Dan not at all obviously tries to peer at it, making a quick exit to his room and throwing it in the closet.

On his way home, he thought of another shirt he could get Dan and found himself laughing hysterically to himself on the Tube, much to his embarrassment. He goes online and orders a shirt that can have custom printing, putting the classic Doge picture on it, along with the words _I'm fluent in social awkwardness_.

Two days later, Charlie stands proper for the first time ever and both Dan and Phil capture the moment, tweeting respective videos, as Charlie wobbles about for a few seconds before grabbing the table to steady himself.

That night, Dan flops onto his back into bed next to Phil, enough to bounce Phil up a little, and they watch videos on his phone that he's taken of Charlie over the last seven months, marveling at his fast progress.

 

When Christmas rolls around, their fake tree is piled high with gifts and they sit and stare at it the night before. “Jesus,” Dan says. “I got you three gifts, how many did you get me?”

“Um, four. Though one's just candy, technically.” He doesn't mind spoiling Dan with that.

“Okay, so how do we have seventeen gifts?”

They both turn and look at Charlie, who's cooing to himself as he alternates between sucking on his toes and kicking them in the air as he lies on the floor.

“Your kid is going to be so spoiled,” Dan announces. He tweets the picture with the captioning, _ten of these gifts are for a baby what suckers are we wow._

They sing Charlie to bed that night with “The First Noel”, doing a rather poor duet, but he seems pleased enough, grinning at them with wide eyes until they both kiss him on the forehead goodnight.

Phil can't sleep at first, thinking about his baby's first Christmas and how excited he is for it, and he feels Dan shifting in his sleep several times as he lies in bed, and eventually he rolls onto his side, back to Dan, and a minute later, Dan shifts again and his arm comes to curl over Phil's.

Phil slides his arm up so that Dan's hand can fall down and not weigh heavily on him, and instead Dan's fingers curl into Phil's shirt again, although he's holding Phil in a cuddle.

Phil doesn't mind. In fact, the weight of Dan's arm, and a few minutes later, Dan's entire body as he rolls forward slightly, is somewhat soothing. He's cold and Dan warms him up and he finally falls asleep.

He jerks awake to his alarm at 7:30 in the morning. He and Dan are going home for most of the day, coming back around six for their own Christmas with each other. They've got to be up early and he reaches back, still with Dan holding him, tapping his fingers against Dan's thigh. “Wake up,” he tells Dan.

“Warm.” Dan mumbles, stuffing his face into Phil's back, between his shoulderblades.

Phil breathes in sharply and his brain fuzzes out and then comes back to life with _stay here, don't move_ and he's suddenly very warm too, unable to move, until he swallows down the breath he's holding and gently eases himself out of bed.

Dan hangs on to him for a few seconds before flopping face-first into where Phil was lying, yawning hugely and lifting his face just enough to peer at Phil, looking almost like he's pouting.

“Wake up,” Phil says again, staring a little stupidly at Dan's lips as they tilt downwards, then dragging his eyes away to focus on the look Dan's giving him.

Right now it's sleepy but slowly shifts to warmth as Dan props himself up, running his hands through his messed up hair. “Happy Christmas, Phil,” he says softly.

“Happy Christmas,” Phil repeats automatically, still focusing on the way Dan's smiling at him. He wants to take a picture of Dan like this and look at it whenever he's sad.

Instead, he pulls his shirt off and throws it towards his laundry basket, heading to take a shower. When he comes out, Dan's got Charlie in the kitchen and is feeding him, spooning baby cereal into his mouth.

“Bathroom's free,” Phil announces. “Switch?” He seats himself in a chair and reaches for the spoon from Dan.

“Yeah, thanks,” Dan tells him. He exits, still yawning, and within an hour, they're leaving for their respective homes, although Dan stops to press a kiss to Charlie's forehead and Charlie reaches up and grabs Dan's cheek with chubby fingers, with a loud, “ba!”

“Yeah, that's right,” Dan tells Charlie. “Ba! Bye-bye!” Phil has no doubt that it's just meaningless noise still to Charlie, but it seems cute enough that Charlie said it, and he exchanges a quick goodbye hug to Dan as Dan heads out.

His parents have gotten him a giftcard to buy music and some clothes, but they've also gone overboard on Charlie, getting him two sets of pyjamas, a piggie bank (plus ten quid in coins to start it off), and some colourful rings that Charlie can stack up on a wooden peg or just play with on their own.

Phil's telling them about what he got Charlie and Dan and that branches out into stories about Dan and Charlie together, showing off pictures and videos, and his father stops him as Phil's getting ready to leave and tells him, quietly, “You know, we didn't think you could get any closer to Dan but you certainly have.” He pauses. “Should we be expecting anything else?”

Phil looks at him in confusion and then comprehends. “No! Dan's just my best friend! And, I mean, I'm so lucky he's been so great with Charlie, but there's nothing more!”

“Alright, Phil.” His father smiles at him. “Have a safe trip home.” He helps Phil down to the cab, with all of the gifts, and Phil texts Dan to see if he's home yet, which he's not, so he's forced to carry everything upstairs by himself, putting Charlie in his crib while he carries the second load of gifts up.

When he gets back into the flat and goes to see Charlie, Charlie's standing in the crib and reaches out for him when he enters the room, babbling up a storm.

“Baby boy,” Phil says, love swelling through him. “I can't believe how big you're getting, you know that? You're so big.” He makes his arms widen as he says it and Charlie imitates him and he smiles. “So big!” He repeats, loudly, and Charlie replies with, “Ta baaah!” with delight.

He changes Charlie into one of his new pyjamas, which are fuzzy and blue and have little yellow stars all over them and sets about making something to eat in case Dan's hungry when he gets home, with Charlie sitting in his feeding chair in the kitchen.

When he hears the door open, he's stirring pasta sauce into a pot and Dan enters a minute later.

“I smell food,” he says. “What are you cooking?”

Phil motions to the pot. “Just some pasta. I didn't know if you'd be hungry when you got home.”

Dan lifts an eyebrow at him, smiling. “You've gone domestic.” He informs Phil as he crosses over to Charlie and lifts him out of his chair, tickling him as he does so.

Phil blinks and actually blushes a little. It's quite the scene, him cooking while Dan holds his baby. Dan watches him and Phil feels his throat close up with something he can't quite enunciate.

He turns off the burner so that the pasta doesn't stick to the bottom of the pan. “Well, if you're not hungry, I'll put it away,” Phil mumbles.

Dan automatically reaches for a container and hands it over. “I ate at my parents. But I mean, I appreciate the gesture?”

Phil looks at Dan and for a split second, he feels miserable, a sudden wave of thoughts rushing through him. _You cooked him dinner like a housewife – you actually thought to yourself he might come home and be hungry and maybe you should make something_ for him runs through his brain at the same time as _of course he ate at his parents_ and then _well no bloody wonder your father thinks there's something more_ and he stands, holding a pot with pasta, suddenly anguished and conflicted, reaching for the container that Dan holds, and he scrapes the food into it and stuffs it into the fridge, slumping back against the counters.

“Hey,” Dan says softly. “Hey, Philly, what's wrong?”

He doesn't even have the heart to reply with his usual “Don't call me Philly”, just looking at Dan for a long second and then exiting the room, going to the lounge and plunking himself on the couch, staring at the gifts with unfocused eyes.

He just can't think too much about this. It hits him in a way that he doesn't want to think about because it's going to require too much thought, it's one of those things that leads to re-evaluations, and he just wants things to be good and he's scared of what might come if he thinks about this.

Dan joins him with Charlie after a few minutes, making Charlie smoosh his face up to Phil's cheek. “Baby kiss,” he tells Phil softly. “Cures all sadness.”

Phil takes Charlie from Dan and kisses his son's head, inhaling his scent quietly. Baby shampoo. It's soothing. It's simple and something he knows so well now. He loves his son so much.

“Let's open gifts,” Phil murmurs. He opens his first for Charlie wordlessly, ignoring Dan's question if he's okay. The first is a robotic dog that walks on its own and makes a stream of barks, the second is an toy elephant that he can sit on and scoot around on, then comes some new clothes, two books, and finally a new CD of music.

Dan oohs and aahs over the gifts and they start on his gifts for Charlie next. He also got Charlie a toy to sit on, a rocking chair horse that he admits – and it's rather obvious – he painted to look like a zebra when Phil wasn't around, plus the other gifts that Dan bought while they were out last together shopping.

Plus, and this is amazing, he bought Charlie a mini-keyboard. Not a toy but an actual mini-piano keyboard with 25 keys, and he even admits that it's way too advanced for a baby but maybe Charlie will be a prodigy.

Phil laughs a little at him. “You just want to teach him music,” he says, smiling. He presses Charlie's hands to the keys and as the notes emerge, Charlie squeals in delight and hits the keys again. “But he likes it, luckily,” he adds.

He then proceeds to open Dan's gifts. Dan got him a hoodie, a bottle of wine, and what turns out to be thirty vouchers handmade by Dan himself. He flips through them. It's ten free diaper changes, ten free feedings, five baths for Charlie, three nights to himself, a free shoulder and neck rub, and a free whatever you want voucher.

Phil reaches over and hugs Dan. “You know two-thirds of these vouchers are basically things I already rely on you with?” He asks.

Dan snorts and ruffles his hair. “Yeah, well, I made them back in May. I've been planning this one for a while.”

Besides the candy and two shirts, he'd bought Dan a new DDR pad, as his older one was starting to no longer recognise his steps. That enough is enough to make Dan give him a hug but Phil insists that he open the Socially Awkward Doge shirt last and at first Dan stares at it, then starts cackling, actually laughing so hard that he can't breathe.

“You're kidding me!”

Then, suddenly, Dan's hugging him and he's got his chin nestled into the hollow between Phil's throat and shoulder and Phil reaches up, his hand tangling into Dan's hair while Dan let's out a huffy laugh that settles into just a soft hum of contentment.

A second later, he feels Charlie crawl over and then crawl into his lap and he peers to see Charlie holding onto his shirt and the other hand on Dan's knee, and Dan's nestling in even tighter, squeezing him, while Phil strokes Charlie's hair with one hand and Dan's with the other.

Happiness hits Phil like a train, crashing through him, and he falls backwards wordlessly, Charlie coming with him, resting securely against his hip and stomach, Dan to the side but also sinking down, weight half-pressing into Phil and he can't breathe, he can't put into words what he's feeling, and he holds onto his baby and Dan until Dan finally pulls back, lifting himself up over Phil, looking at him with kindness across his face.

“Glad you're feeling better,” he murmurs. Phil wants to reach up and pull him back down. Instead he glances to the bedroom.

“We should make a video of everything we got Charlie.” Phil breathes. “Viewers will love that.”

Dan smiles and goes to get the camera while Phil arranges Charlie's gifts. He watches Charlie gravitate to the wrapping paper and scrunch it into his palm, waving it about.

Dan situates everything and then settles in next to Phil as he hits record. “Hey guys!” Phil announces, while Dan follows up with “Hello, internet!”

“This is just a little Christmas video to show you how spoiled my baby is. Featuring,” and here Phil does the “item find” noise from Zelda, and then pulls Charlie from just off-screen into his lap, “first time on camera, my baby!”

Dan does some kind of hand explosion motion. “That's right, internet,” he adds. “Meet Charlie Noel Lester for the first time on video!”

“Maybe that's why I named him Charlie Noel,” Phil remarks conversationally. “I secretly predicted I'd first put him on camera at Christmas.”

Dan plays along, scoffing slightly. “Yes, Phil, I'm sure that's it. You're psychic.”

“I am! Maybe I can predict racehorses and we can make some money!” Phil says in faux-excitement.

Dan looks at him for a long moment until Phil breaks and laughs. “Maaaybe not, Phil. Mainly, because I've just remembered something that you've apparently forgotten. You did that F.A.Q. with Charlie when he was like a month old? How could you forget? How about we just focus on what this video was originally intended to be.”

“Right, probably a good idea.” Phil answers, blushing. Having a baby is tiring and he can't help it if he forgets one tiny video in the last seven months. “Well, guys, you would not believe how spoiled my baby is.”

They detail what Phil's parents got him, what Phil got him, and then what Dan got him, going over every gift with the camera, Dan making sure to focus on the mini-keyboard, and then while Phil's starting to wrap up the video, Dan steps out of frame, yanks off his jumper, and pulls on the Socially Awkward Doge shirt.

When he steps back into view, he interrupts Phil. “Also, Phil bought me what is probably the most accurate gift I've ever received.”

“I thought it fit you well,” Phil adds. “Anyways, I just wanted to make a little video for you all. So wherever you are, happy Christmas!”

“Happy Christmas!” Dan repeats and hits the record button. He makes small talk with Phil for a few minutes while Phil sets about transferring it and then goes to edit it.

There's not much to edit, thankfully, and five minutes to midnight, Phil tweets with a link. _Last minute Chrimbo video featuring @danisnotonfire and also Charlie Lester!!_

He's too tired to stay up and read responses and so instead heads to bed where Dan already put Charlie to sleep two hours ago and is currently sprawled out, snoring very softly.

When he sneaks into bed, hoping to keep from waking up Dan, he thinks he's succeeded until Dan mumbles something incoherently.

Phil's quiet in hopes that Dan's just mumbling in his sleep but then a second later, Dan sprawls forward and throws his arm over Phil. “... best Christmas ever,” he manages to coherently get out.

Phil smiles. “Yeah.” He agrees. A second later, Dan's forehead presses into his and he squeezes his fingers against Phil's lower back and there's warm breath on Phil's skin. Phil doesn't pull back, instead letting Dan stay there, and a second later, his nose brushes against Dan's. “Best Christmas.”

“Sleepy,” Dan tells him. Phil closes his eyes, breathes in deep.

“Sleep.” He assents, foreheads and noses touching, so close that he can feel every breath. Without even thinking about it, he reaches to catch Dan's fingers behind his back and touch, pull them until they lay on his thigh and his fingers are just touching Dan's.

He can hear Charlie. He can feel Dan. Everything is right. Everything is good and perfect and he doesn't want this moment to end and he wishes he could hold onto this forever. He's too tired to over-think things like he might if he were more coherent and so he just hangs on to this feeling with everything and tries to soak it all up, fighting sleep to stay in this happiness as long as he can.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all. Y'ALL. This chapter is basically entirely UST and you are going to hate me so much. (also fixed a couple weird typos - do not watch television while typing or you end up putting words from what you're listening to in place of words you meant to write)

Louise is throwing a New Years Party for just a few of her close friends and she invites Dan and Phil, to which they agree.

Phil's mum isn't available to watch Charlie so they end up hiring a sitter from an agency. Dan frets that the sitter won't be any good and will slack off and Phil has to remind him that the agency has classes and tests you need to take before you can work for them.

Dan responds that it still doesn't ensure quality and that a sitter might cheat or just not really care after they get hired.

This, unfortunately, puts Phil on edge and both he and Dan are worrying slightly as they wait for their sitter to arrive.

When she gets there, she's a friendly brunette with a pleasant smile. Phil shows her around and where all Charlie's food and diapers are and she nods, telling them to have fun at the party.

Although they make introductions when they get there, aside from Louise, they don't know anybody else and after about half an hour of milling about, they end up retreating to a couch with glasses of alcohol and just people watching.

Dan and Phil talk between themselves as they do, Phil making up stories about what each person secretly is like that get more and more grandiose, creating personas of first a mild cashier with a penchant for studying literature that ends up with someone supposedly being a secret Russian spy, a case that Dan very highly doubts as the person is named Sean McIntyre.

Phil grumbles at Dan for spoiling his fun and Dan offers to make it up by getting them more alcohol. Phil snorts at him. "My drink isn't even empty, unlike yours. You just want more alcohol. But sure, I'll have more."

Dan disappears into the other room to get them more liquor and Louise takes a seat next to Phil. "Hey," she smiles. "Having fun?"

"Yeah," Phil replies. "Dan's busy getting more alcohol, naturally." She chuckles at that.

"How's Charlie?" Louise barely has the words out of her mouth before Phil has his phone out so he can show her pictures. "What a doting parent you are," she teases him.

Together they look through photos of Charlie and they don't even notice when Dan returns until he's peering over Phil's shoulder and comments on a photo of Charlie laying on his tummy staring at the camera that that one is his favorite.

"Oh, hi," Phil says, moving over so Dan can join them. He doesn't have a lot of room and so Dan ends up practically in his lap. He pretends he's not suddenly flushed but Louise must notice because she looks at him, lifting her manicured eyebrow.

Dan's reaching for Phil's phone and swiping through the pictures until he finds another of him and Charlie cuddled on the couch. "Also look how much this baby loves me."

It's true - both of them wear matching adoration across their features. Phil smiles fondly.

"So just how much parenting do you do, Dan?" Louise asks.

Dan mulls it over for a few seconds. "Maybe a third of the time, I take care of him?"

Louise smiles gently at him. "I'm sure Phil appreciates that."

"More than you'll ever know," Phil tells Dan, taking a long swallow of his drink. Dan beams at him and leans in, pressing his body into Phil's as he hugs him.

Phil closes his eyes and squeezes back, breaking into a matching smile. He starts to pull back but Dan says, "Not yet," squeezing tighter. Phil feels his throat close and heart stutter and then a second later hears the noise of Louise taking a photo on her mobile.

 _Ah. That's why Dan didn't want to let go. He was posing for Louise._ Phil feels faintly sad at this and does pull away now, sipping his drink again.

He drinks a little too much, especially when Dan and Louise are hanging out together and he's left alone with nothing to do temporarily.

Dan pokes fun at him gently as Phil sways as they walk up the stairs to their apartment. "You're sloshed. What a lightweight you've become. Having a baby has done nothing for you."

Phil grumbles something at Dan and unlocks the door. The babysitter is reading a book on the couch. "Oh, hey. Charlie's sleeping. He went down about an hour and a half ago. I fed him about three hours ago and changed him." She smiles at them. "Did you have fun?"

Phil says yes, although he was a little bored as he knew nobody there but she probably doesn't care. Pulling out his wallet, he pays her and then heads to take a slash before going to bed.

Dan is already flopped out when he gets in bed, taking up more than his fair share and Phil pushes at him. "Move," he grumps. "I need space and your legs are managing to take up about five feet somehow."

Dan flops onto his side and lets Phil slide into bed.

 

Sure enough, Phil ends up using all of the feeding and diaper changes in the first two weeks after Christmas, even though he knows Dan would have done it without him needing the vouchers that he made, but it still feels like he should use them, to show Dan he likes the gift.

He definitely takes advantage of getting Dan to wash Charlie a few times because Charlie loves water. He loves water a little too much. He splashes and makes a mess and it's really quite fun to watch Dan return from the kitchen where they wash Charlie covered in water.

“Did Charlie have a good bath?” Phil always asks, innocently, and Dan just snorts and goes to change his shirt, passing Phil's baby back to him.

Right now, he's got two bath vouchers left, plus all three nights to himself, and the voucher for a free massage and a free “whatever”. He winds up using the one for a free “whatever” by making a huge shopping list and asking Dan to go, promising to help him carry it all in, but he just doesn't feel like bundling up Charlie to go outside.

His baby is getting really heavy – he weighs just under twenty-one pounds. In fact, when he holds Charlie, if Charlie wants down, he'll throw his weight forward and it really is hard to keep a grasp on him.

Probably the worst was when he was lying on the bed with Charlie, just talking to him and petting his hair, and Charlie got up and plopped his weight down on Phil's lap, and managed to do it directly to his groin, applying all near-twenty-one pounds in one solid strike.

Phil had groaned, curled away, and grabbed at Charlie simultaneously so that Charlie wouldn't fall off the bed, and ever since he's been very careful not to let that happen again.

Charlie's gotten a solid grasp of “holding things”, both big and little, and his hand-eye coordination is definitely improved, and unfortunately this has led to him deciding that “holding things” should be upgraded to “throwing”.

He throws everything, not with malice, just pure innocence and pleasure for what he's doing. He throws his toys – which isn't so bad. Phil's recently bought him a sippy-cup and it only took him a few days to grasp the concept and take to it, so Phil feeds him one meal and one glass of apple juice in a sippy cup.

However, he likes to throw that too.

He's standing on his own very well and he's also known for grabbing the remote, pieces of paper that he crumples up – which have included Phil's idea for a video that he'd scribbled down and a recent bill from a doctor visit – and basically anything else he can get his hands on.

Throwing is his new favourite game. Dan already has learned the hard way to not leave his phone unattended. Charlie chucked it into a wall and there's a small crack in the screen now.

Strangely, he's started crying at bedtime when they turn off the lights and so they've bought a night-light that only slightly helps. He still cries for about ten minutes after they put him down and while Phil wants to hold his baby, his mum advises him to just let Charlie cry it out.

Phil thinks that Charlie will think that Phil doesn't love him or won't be there for him but she reassures him that Charlie won't hold a grudge. (This isn't to say that Phil doesn't, a few times, end up going into the bedroom and soothing Charlie anyways.)

He's finished with his central incisors coming in and they've gone through that crying stage but now his lateral incisors are coming in and a whole new round of crying and chilled teething rings and pacifiers and numbing gel has begun.

He's crying less this time than before which is a relief because it was a hard time when the first teeth came in, where he cried almost nonstop.

 

Perhaps the greatest milestone in Charlie's development, though, comes when he's nine months, one week, and two days old. He's babbling away in his baby language with Dan, who's pretending like Charlie's carrying on a normal conversation.

Phil's hidden just out of view, having taken a shower, and he's listening to the conversation.

“A-ba-ba ga na?”

“Yeah, I agree with you. We should get pizza tonight, Charlie.” Dan tells him.

“Baaaah, ga ba.”

“Oh? You think your daddy should buy you new toys? Well, let's tell him when he comes back in the room.”

“Gaaaah!” It's a delighted noise and Dan laughs.

“Yes, I know you know how much your daddy loves you.” At this, Phil steps in and Charlie looks at him and starts to crawl towards him and as he does, he utters -

\- “da!” Phil blinks. He's never said “da” before. “Da. Da-da. Daaaah?”

“Dan?” Phil whispers. “Is he saying da-da?” Dan's staring at Charlie with the same amazement as Phil.

“I think so.” Dan whispers back, barely louder than Phil. “Ask him?”

Phil drops to his knees and catches Charlie as he arrives. “Am I your daddy?” He asks, holding his breath. Charlie reaches him and grabs his arm and Phil pulls him in.

“Daaaah. Da. Da-da.”

Phil closes his eyes and lets out his breath. “Da-da.” He repeats softly. “I'm your da-da, that's right.”

He pulls Charlie up and hugs him and a few seconds later, he hears Dan before he feels him, his eyes still closed, and Dan's hugging him too.

“When did we turn into such ridiculous saps?” Dan asks him softly.

Phil thumps him on the back soundly. “Shut up, my baby just called me da-da. I don't care what you say, I'm happy to be a sap.”

They're sitting on the floor in a pile of limbs and all three of them are talking at the same time, Charlie less coherently than Dan and Phil, and Phil wishes that he had a magical camera he could activate at this moment to capture this and watch it back at a later date because he never wants to forget this.

He's in such a good mood that he does buy pizza. There's actually a place that sells vegan pizza and they order one and have it delivered.

They eat it with Charlie sitting in his kitchen chair, watching them and making noises that sound vaguely disgruntled that they're not sharing.

Phil plucks off a bit of the vegan cheese and pops it into Charlie's mouth and he chews it curiously, then swallows, looking neither pleased or displeased. Phil shrugs and takes the smallest square of pizza and dismantles it, ripping the cheese into four small pieces.

He places them down on Charlie's feeding tray and Charlie sticks them in his mouth one by one, eating them. Phil watches for choking, but the cheese is soft enough that it seems to be easily chewed by his few teeth.

There's sauce left on his lower lip and a little on his chin and Phil wipes it away, smiling at his son. “Messy eater,” he informs him.

“Mah?”

“Yeah, mah. Messy.” Phil pretends to frown at him and Charlie furrows his brows and then frowns back. Phil quickly changes his face to a smile and Charlie matches it and Phil kisses his forehead. “What a smart baby you are,” he tells Charlie.

Unfortunately, although the teething is going better than the first few teeth that came in, it still means that their sleep schedule drops from six or seven hours at a time to hour snippets and then they have to soothe Charlie when he wakes up crying.

 

This round of crying due to teething lasts longer than the first time and one day, Phil is absolutely knackered. Also, Charlie jerked away from him while he was holding him and Phil almost fell and wrenched his back and it's sore. He's lying face-down on the bed, trying to snatch a nap of any amount of time while Charlie finally settles, and Dan comes in the room.

“You awake?” Dan asks softly. Phil lets out a muffled 'yes' and Dan sits next to him. “You okay?”

Phil shakes his head. “So tired. I just wanna sleep. And my back hurts. Charlie knocked me off—balance earlier.” Inspiration strikes him, however tired he is, and his muddled brain puts together a sentence. “I'm cashing in the massage voucher.”

Dan chuckles. “I didn't know if you'd actually let me do that to you. I made it a while ago back when we first started taking care of Charlie.”

“Dan, you've been sleeping in my bed for the better part of a year and I've woken up to you spooning me or me spooning you about a dozen times now. If I got weirded out by a massage, I'd be incredibly stupid.” Phil mutters.

Dan kneels and then a few seconds later, Phil feels Dan's fingers starting to press into his skin through his shirt. It feels good, although the angle that Dan's at and the shirt keep it from being great and are in fact almost hindering the massage, because Dan's not able to really push down on him and his shirt keeps bunching up.

Phil stops Dan and yanks his shirt off, throwing it to the side, and while that helps a little, it's not improved things much. Dan must realise this because he asks, a little awkwardly, “Would it be alright if I sat on your bum?”

“Go ahead, I don't care.” Phil tells him.

“You know,” Dan tells him, casually. “Like I was saying, I didn't think you'd let me do this. I was going to actually tell you to use the voucher on a female friend of mine who gives massages for a living. Plus, you know, maybe you two would hit it off.”

He swings his weight and gently lowers himself so that he's settled with one leg on either side of Phil's, pressing Phil's lower-half into the mattress as he sits on Phil's arse.

“Hey, you can always introduce me to her anyways,” Phil tells him. Though, truth be told, he's having a hard time thinking about being introduced to some female masseuse when Dan's fingers are curling around his shoulders and digging in and _finally it feels so good and he wants to moan but – that – might be weird._

He closes his eyes and relaxes his brain and as Dan works across his shoulders and the base of his neck, he sluggishly thinks, _Plus, who needs a female masseuse when I've got Dan for this?_

What. He stiffens slightly under Dan's touch as he re-evaluates that. He wants Dan touching him like this, he wants Dan's fingers gently working into his skin and loosening him up?

Dan presses his palm to the top of Phil's spine and pushes down and twists slightly and Phil hears something crack and his upper body loosens slightly. Oh, hell. He definitely wants Dan to keep doing this, to keep touching him, if that's what's going to happen.

Slowly, Dan makes his way down Phil's spine, working first his palms flat across Phil's skin and Phil stretches out, arms above his head, and he can't help but let out a sigh of relief and contentment a few times. Dan presses harder at the very base of Phil's spine and Phil has to fight back a moan.

Then, Dan starts again at the top, this time using his knuckles to dig in and work the muscle and that feels even better and Phil can't help it, he lets out an open-mouthed breathy moan, and he can feel Dan pause and shift a few seconds later, leaning back on him, so that his weight isn't pressed down as much on Phil's bum.

“Sorry,” Phil says. “I won't do that again.”

“No, um. You're fine.” Dan tells him. “I just – I was getting more comfortable. You can, ah, be as vocal as you want. It's a sign of appreciation, right?”

“Yeah,” Phil replies hesitantly. He's appreciating the hell out of Dan right now. In fact, he's really, _really_ glad he's face down because he's appreciating Dan a lot more than expected.

He's hard and he's over-sensitive to Dan's hands on his skin and he's almost thankful that Dan's using his knuckles instead of his fingers flat on him because that might be too much, he might start shivering and shuddering under Dan's touch.

It's just physical response. He hasn't had sex in almost a year. He's had nothing but his hand for almost a year and now someone's sitting on him and touching him rather intimately. That's all. He'd respond this way to anybody.

That's what he tells himself anyways.

He thinks he's doing okay but after Dan's finished with his knuckles down Phil's spine, he starts again with his palms flat, squeezing and pressing down on muscle and skin and Phil closes his eyes and sure enough, he actually shivers for overstimulation from Dan, breathing in hard and he's so hard that it hurts, and he never wants Dan to stop what he's doing, letting out a groan and enunciating as much.

Dan laughs shakily. “Enjoying yourself?” He asks, sounding thrown. Phil realises just how dirty it must sound and mentally kicks himself.

“Yeah, I really appreciate this. But you can stop whenever you want, I'm doing a lot better,” he answers, trying to make it up to Dan. Dan hums a small noise of acknowledgement and keeps on doing what he's doing.

Phil loses himself in the touch and when Dan finally, almost agonisingly slow, reaches the base of his spine, Dan shifts off Phil's bottom. “I'm glad you feel better,” Dan tells him.

“Thank you,” Phil manages to get out, actually somewhat brainless, falling asleep. “This is going to sound awfully selfish, but can you take Charlie with you? So I can get a couple hours of sleep without him crying quite so close?”

“Uh, yeah. You sleep, Phil.” Dan tells him. He gets off the bed and Phil waits until he's heard Dan pick up Charlie and leave the room, closing it, before he rolls over and shoves his hand down his sweatpants.

He's so built-up from the massage that he lasts about thirty seconds and the orgasm hits him like a freight train, where he's coming and his brain shatters apart and as he wipes his hand off on the thigh of his sweatpants, he lets out a long sigh and sleep finds him almost instantly.

  

When Phil comes out of his bedroom about two hours later, Dan can see visibly how relaxed he is, how much less tired he looks. Charlie toddles towards his father and Phil smiles and reaches for his baby, scooping him up and holding him close.

“How's my big baby boy doing?” He asks. “Let's go read a book together, okay?” They've got half a dozen books for Charlie and have started to read to him to help cement new words for him. “Let's go practice our vocabulary and see if we can get you saying something like ball or dog or something.”

As Phil returns to the bedroom with Charlie, Dan makes a quick escape to his bedroom. He's wanted the spare time since he gave Phil the massage.

He's needed the spare time, to be frank. He wasn't expecting Phil to be quite as vocal as he was during the massage. In fact, the first time Phil let out that breathy noise of relief, it struck Dan a little too close to home.

He'd felt his body start to respond to a moaning figure beneath him and he'd been forced to angle himself backwards so that Phil didn't feel his erection starting to form and although he'd tried to play it off and encourage Phil to make noise if he wanted, that had been a terrible thing for Dan because it had only made him get harder.

He misses sex. While he knows Phil had a friend with benefits situation going on, he can't do that. He needs to be dating someone. He's honestly not really had a chance to meet anybody since Charlie came around and somehow, raising a baby has made him mature more than he'd actually known until he came to the sudden realisation that he wanted his next relationship to last forever, to be the kind that he raises a baby with them at some point.

That makes meeting someone even harder in a way. He's only twenty-four and most people his age aren't really looking for something so serious that they can talk about kids fairly soon.

His brain had focused on sex, hearing Phil moan and feeling Phil stretch out underneath him and Dan had actually silently begged to any deities that might exist that Phil stop sounding quite so filthy as he dug his knuckles into Phil's back.

It hadn't worked and he'd actually trembled slightly as he'd laid his fingers on Phil the last time down his back. He was almost grateful that Phil hadn't noticed or hadn't said anything if he did notice, though Dan's pretty sure that he managed to hide the slight tremor of his fingers as he'd brought them back to Phil's skin.

He sits on his bed, unzipping his jeans and pulling them open, pulling out his already half-hard cock and stroking it. He debates finding a porn video to watch on his phone but can't actually be arsed to take the time.

This, however, winds up being a flaw because his brain keeps very unhelpfully recalling the noises that Phil made as he thinks about thrusting into warm, tight heat, and that just makes him harder, because they were such gutteral, sharp, raw sounds.

He's breathing in fast and harsh, whispering, “Fuck, fuck,” under his breath as he gets closer, and he's trying to chase out the memories of how Phil sounded even as they sink deeper into his brain and fill his thoughts.

He bites his lip hard and his breath catches in his throat, stomach tightening as he gets close and when it hits, he's thinking of the heat of Phil's skin and his pliantness under Dan's touch, and Dan strokes his way through his orgasm, shaking slightly, doing his best to pretend that he wasn't thinking about Phil when he came.

It's totally absolutely fucking incidental because of how Phil sounded. That is all it is.

It has to be.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want you all to know I'm very sorry about this chapter as you're probably going to be very sad and the angst part of the fic is starting now because there's a few more chapters coming and I promise this story does have a happy ending but for a while, you're going to hurt. (also let's pretend I didn't forget about TABINOF coming out in October of 2015 so I did a bit of a retcon whoops)

The next day is Phil's 29th birthday and while he hadn't planned on doing anything, Dan has a different idea. He's throwing Phil a surprise party. It's just Louise, Chris, PJ, Phil's parents (who are only stopping by for a brief bit), and he knows Phil has no idea about it. It's going to be low-key, as he hadn't gotten a sitter for Charlie, but Phil's not exactly known for huge parties anyways.

As a joke, he's made an exact duplicate of the vouchers he gave Phil at Christmas, plus he's gotten him _Pokemon Super Mystery Dungeon_ for the 3DS.

Dan feeds Charlie at four when Charlie wakes up crying and changes him and then crawls back into bed, feeling Phil turn to press his face against Dan's back in his sleep.

Dan closes his eyes, shivering at the nearness. While they have inevitably ended up cuddling in their sleep, and while he wakes up and finds himself rather comfortable and not wanting to move, somehow, feeling Phil move into this position, as Phil shifts an arm over him, it makes Dan flush warm.

That's not to say he wants to move. It's definitely nice to be in this position. He half-dozes for another few hours, waking up and drifting out of consciousness. When he feels Phil finally waking up, stretching out and pulling his arm back, Dan rolls over lazily.

“Morning,” he whispers and Phil blinks at him slowly, sleepily, staring.

“Morning,” Phil answers. Dan smiles at him.

“Happy birthday, Phil.” They're face to face, heads on respective pillows, and it's quiet and Dan kind of doesn't want to move, just stay there and talk to Phil in a hushed whisper so they don't wake Charlie.

“Thanks,” Phil answers as he props himself up on an elbow. “I can't believe I'm twenty-nine.”

“You're so old,” Dan teases him. “Decrepit. I see wrinkles forming on your face.”

Phil stares at him before returning, “That's because I have to put up with you all day.” Dan laughs at that and throws a fake punch with his free arm, the one he's not currently got curled under his head, and then sits up himself, glancing at the crib.

Dan's made a list of things that he needs Phil do to, promising to watch Charlie, so that he can get Phil out of the house and set things up. When Phil's given the list, he grumps about having to do these things on his birthday and Dan cheerily tells him, “You're a dad now, you don't get to have fun on your birthday, you just have to go about your daily business like we do every other day,” and Phil whines a bit more about Dan doing it, but Dan informs him that he's got things he has to do for a new project he's thinking about.

Dan's already bought what he needs – he did the shopping for Phil's party the same time he did Phil's Christmas shopping by himself – and sets about redoing the flat once Phil leaves.

There's balloons that he blows up, ties off, and attaches with ribbon to chairs in the kitchen. (After he blows up twelve balloons, though, he finds himself rather dizzy from all the heavy inhaling, and sits down, deciding that twelve balloons is enough for the kitchen.)

He hangs a couple of brightly coloured “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” letterings across the room that leads from the hallway into the kitchen and then the same for the hallway to the lounge.

He bought some various party snacks that he sets about preparing and then does a quick run-through of the flat to make sure it's relatively clean otherwise. He actually cleans the bathroom and makes the bed in Phil's room.

As an added bonus, he blows up two more balloons and ties them to Charlie's crib, which delights Charlie, who gets to his feet and reaches for the string, tugging them down.

“No, no, Charlie,” Dan says gently, though that doesn't deter Charlie at all. He hopes Charlie doesn't have the finger strength to pop the balloons. It seems, after watching Charlie for a few minutes, that Charlie can grab the ribbons, but doesn't quite have the coordination to pull it all to him, and the balloons keep bobbing free.

Dan hopes that stays the case.

 

By the time everybody has arrived, it's a little past two and Phil's texted Dan to let him know he's on his way home. Dan meets him at the door to help with the groceries – he did have Phil get a fair amount – and when they open the door to their flat, Phil starts laughing when he sees the signs across the wall and everybody greets him with a cheery, “Surprise!”

“I had a feeling you were doing something like this, Dan,” he informs him. “I even took an extra-long time shopping to give you time to set whatever it was you were doing up.”

“So I completely failed at surprising you,” Dan says, pretending to be disappointed. Phil drops off one bag on the counter and wraps his arm around Dan.

“Completely and utterly. But the effort's well-appreciated.” At that, Phil puts down the other hefty bag of groceries and Dan starts putting everything away while Phil makes the rounds.

Charlie's letting out calls from the bedroom, curious as to what's going on, in his baby language, and Dan overhears Phil telling his parents to see what Charlie can do now. As he guides him to the bedroom, Dan can hear Charlie's excited “da-da!” and then Phil's mum cooing in delight over her grandson's accomplishment.

Dan makes sure Chris, PJ, and Louise have all had a chance to get something to eat and drink and finally relaxes himself a bit, snacking on chips and salsa.

The party turns into more of a casual hang out session after Phil's parents leave and stretches on for most of the night, with Charlie being an equal centre of attention as Phil.

There's, of course, alcohol being had, and as the evening goes on, after Phil's unwrapped his gifts from everybody but Dan, who has told him to wait – he kind of isn't sure he wants Louise or PJ or Chris to look through the voucher and see the back massage offer – they turn to video games.

Phil puts Charlie in his crib around nine and Louise follows him, wanting to give Charlie a good-night kiss. It seems she's fallen as in love with Charlie as Dan and Phil have.

Personally, Dan thinks that's not hard to do. Charlie's basically the perfect baby. When she returns and goes to the kitchen to put her glass in the sink, as she's going to leave, Dan follows her.

“I see you've fallen in love with Charlie,” he says, a little slurrily, the alcohol having addled his brain a bit.

“He's a lovely baby,” she answers. “Though I'm not sure who fawns over him more, you or Phil.”

Dan gives her a confused look and she gives him a disbelieving look.

“You can't actually tell me you don't realise just how much attention you lavish on Charlie. You act like you're his parent too. I mean, I'm not just talking about tonight – though that was plentiful enough – for all your tweets and texts about Charlie when we talk...”

Dan shrugs. “I mean, yeah, I love Charlie. It was, y'know, a bit overwhelming at first, but after basically the first week, we were all good. It was hard not to like him and watching him grow up kind of ensured that I got all paternal?”

“Yeah, but you're not really his parent, Dan.” Louise tells him. Something akin to annoyance flares in Dan but he pushes it away. “Though I do have a question.”

“What's up?” Dan asks, reaching for a clean glass to get some water.

“I glanced in your room as I was leaving Phil's and noticed your pillow was missing, and there's an extra pillow on Phil's bed.” She leaves the rest of the question unasked.

Dan flushes suddenly. He hadn't even thought to put the pillow back. “Um.” He hesitates. “I, ah.” Biting his lower lip, he takes a sip of water. “I've been sleeping in Phil's room basically since Charlie was born.”

“And why would you be doing that?” Louise asks, looking genuinely confused.

“Well, at first it was to help out Phil. I figured we could take turns feeding Charlie and changing him during the night, back when he was getting fed every couple hours, that way Phil wasn't totally dead on his feet.”

“Okay, I mean, I suppose that makes sense and that was rather sweet of you. But I do have a daughter and have gone through the whole baby thing, so, I mean, by now Charlie's got to be sleeping most of the night so ...”

Dan stares at a point directly over Louise's shoulder. “I couldn't sleep anymore by myself.” He says it a bit flatly, not intending to, but unsure of how to really admit that he got so used to Phil's nearness that he couldn't sleep without him, knowing just how it sounds.

Even though it's really not what it sounds like. It's all confusing and he knows it and it's not going to make sense to Louise, he knows that too.

“So you and Phil aren't... an item.” Louise asks.

“No, he and I are just friends. We're both straight, Louise. I just... I have trouble sleeping by myself now. I got used to having someone near me. I mean, when I start dating someone new, I'll obviously move back into my room and just deal with it because it would be weird dating someone and sleeping next to Phil; I'm sure they wouldn't understand, but for right now, I don't really want to go through it yet.” Dan's a bit miserable by now.

“Yeah, speaking of dating, have you been on any dates recently? Or even not so recently?” Louise asks. Dan shrugs, taking another sip of water.

“I help take care of Charlie,” he says. It's a terrible excuse. Charlie doesn't need constant watching and even this party has proved it as while Charlie's been out of his crib for much of it, Phil did a fine job by himself when Dan wasn't playing with Charlie.

“So you swear there's nothing between you and Phil?” Louise asks.

“No, nothing. I mean, you know, stupid shit occasionally happens.” Dan's brain isn't working quite properly as he finds himself mumbling, “Sometimes we end up cuddling while we're asleep but once we wake up we push away, it's just something that happens. I'm sure you've accidentally cuddled one of your friends if you shared a bed.”

Louise gives him a gentle, almost sympathetic smile. “I generally don't share my bed with friends if they're staying the night so, no, I can't say I have.”

Dan's getting annoyed for real now. He knew that Louise wouldn't understand because he can't really explain it himself but it's nobody's business but his and Phil's, that's what they've both said, and he snaps, a bit abruptly, “Well, it's nothing, alright? It just happens but there's nothing going on.”

“Dan...” Louise says, hesitantly. “Just. I'm sorry, alright?” Dan nods.

“Yeah, I shouldn't have gotten cross with you.” He answers. “Look, I'm going to go hang out with PJ and Chris, I've not really had a chance to talk with them as much.”

“Dan, can I say one more thing? Honestly? Even if you do get cross with me again?” Louise asks. Dan sighs heavily.

“Go ahead.”

“You're a bit of an idiot, you know that, right?”

Dan thinks about his life. “Probably,” he answers, not sure what she means, but she's probably right in whatever way she means. “Thanks,” he adds, and she laughs slightly.

“Come here,” she tells him, tugging him in for a hug. Dan lets her, wrapping his arms around her back before he finishes off his water as she gets her purse that's hanging off a chair in the kitchen. “I'll see you.”

“Go say goodbye to Phil,” Dan tells her. “He'll want to say goodbye.”

She nods, smiling at him again with that sort of knowing expression on her face, and he heads over to where everybody else is in the living room.

Louise pulls Phil aside and Dan steals in to the conversation with PJ and Chris, and it's only after a few more minutes that PJ announces he's heading out, and once it's down to just Chris, Dan, and Phil, and it's almost ten, Chris says he's going to leave as well.

And then it's just Dan and Phil, sitting on the couch. Dan reaches for his gift and hands it to Phil.

“Should I be concerned as to what's in here that you didn't want the others seeing?” Phil shakes the box. “Did you get me porn?”

Dan's just tipsy enough to start giggling helplessly. “No, I definitely didn't get you porn. In fact, it's about as far from porn as you can get,” he sputters out. _Pokemon_ is definitely not porn.

Phil smiles when he unwraps the gift and sees the game and then picks up the vouchers and starts laughing himself as he flips through them. “Recycling a gift, how tacky.”

“I thought you'd like it,” Dan informs him. Phil rolls his eyes.

“You can't keep doing this every time you get me a gift, Dan.” Phil teases him. “This is the last time I'll accept this as a gift.”

Dan leans back into the couch and props his feet up, using Phil's lap as his footrest. Absently, Phil drops a hand to Dan's ankle and rubs it a bit before settling it there.

“So, why did Louise tell me I'm an idiot?” Phil asks a minute later. Dan blinks.

“I've no clue, but she told me the same thing so. You know, at least we're on equal footing here.” Dan answers.

“Alright, well, as long as that's fair,” Phil says, dryly. Dan snorts a laugh. “Move your legs, I want to go play my new video game and my 3DS is in my bedroom.”

“Oh, uh, just so you know, Louise kind of, well, interrogated me about why my pillow was in your bed. So if she asks you about it, I told her the truth, that I was helping you out at first and now I just can't sleep by myself because I'm used to having you near me.”

“Which you still need to figure out at some point,” Phil informs him. “I'm pretty sure that's going to put a damper on your love life. 'Thanks for coming over, let's have a snog and then I'll go sleep with my flatmate and you can have my bed.'”

“Well, I'll have someone to sleep next to then, presumably, so I'll be okay,” Dan argues back. “I won't need you.”

Phil's quiet then. “Oh. Good point.” He answers finally. Somehow, the mood between them has shifted from playful to sombre and Dan retracts his legs, letting Phil get up.

“Thanks for the game, Dan,” Phil says softly. Dan nods, murmuring out a barely audible 'you're welcome', and Phil heads to his bedroom, leaving Dan in the lounge, alone.

“Might as well clean up,” Dan mumbles to himself. It's not too big a project, as the party was relatively small, so he throws out a couple paper plates of half-eaten food, puts away the leftovers in the fridge, washes up the few dishes he has, and takes down the lettered banners and balloons, pricking each balloon with a knife to let it deflate.

Once the flat's been cleaned up, he goes to his bedroom, which almost feels unfamiliar, because he rarely is in there, but he plugs in his mobile and half-heartedly distracts himself with it until almost three in the morning, fighting off the strange disappointment that sits heavy in his gut.

It's at this point that sleep is too hard to fight and he makes his way to Phil's room, almost with a bit of trepidation. Phil's asleep and so's Charlie, and Dan very quietly climbs into bed, pressing his face into the pillow and letting out a long sigh.

He pretends like he hasn't been thinking about what it'll be like to sleep next to someone else and how awkward the idea has become to him.

It'll happen. It'll happen and it'll be fine. This is just a case of him being stubborn and lazy and not wanting to readjust to sleeping by himself because this is easier. He'll be fine when he's got a girlfriend and he's sharing a bed with her. It'll be just like this.

He rolls onto his side and Phil stretches in his sleep and his ankle brushes Dan's, then a second later, pushes in and hooks against Dan's, and Dan feels grounded just by that touch. The confusion leaves his head and he's able to lose that horrible weight in his stomach and he can slowly drift into sleep.

 

It's another couple weeks down the road when one day, Dan comes in the room to get Charlie to give him a bath and says, “Hey, Charlieboy,” and Charlie reaches for him, answering, “Hi,” very simply.

Dan grins at him, jaw dropping. “Hello?”

“Hi.”

Dan scurries to get Phil and shows off Charlie's new word. It seems like that's the milestone for language because within the next week, Charlie's vocabulary opens to include “dog”, “ball”, “bye”, and “book” - the last pronounced more like “bk”, with very little vowel.

Phil and Dan take turns testing him with new words, most of them falling flat, although he does give a half-attempt at “chair”, coming up with “tair”.

They're a bit busy at this point as they had decided to delay the TABINOF tour due to Charlie, having refunded everybody who had bought tickets and now are rescheduling, offering out apologies numerous times over the last few months since it occurred, and Phil's busy trying to make sure he has a sitter for all the dates on their tour and Dan's busy trying to make sure their fans are happy and is hoping they haven't pissed off too many people with the cancellation/rescheduling.

 

Not too long after that, one day, as Charlie's standing and looking at one of his toys, he takes a few steps forward, Phil looking up just in time to catch the last of it as Charlie starts to fall.

He grabs his baby before Charlie can hit the ground and gently seats him and watches closely. Sure enough, Charlie gets right back up a minute, intently focused on his toy that lies several feet away.

“Dan, get in here _now,_ ” Phil yells and Dan practically runs into the living room.

“What's wrong? Is everything okay?” Dan asks. Phil nods at Charlie, who takes a few more tottering steps. Dan gasps.

“Charlie's walking!” As he speaks, Charlie stumbles again and this time lands on his butt and lets out a cry of surprise. After his tears are soothed, his determination to get the toy seems to outweigh the factor of getting hurt and he's trying one more time.

He manages five whole steps before he starts to lose his balance but Dan's there to catch him and hold him upright.

Phil hurries to get his camera and the next time he catches Charlie getting up, he turns it on quickly and manages to capture Charlie as he gains confidence in his actions.

Charlie seems to grasp the concept of holding on to the table for stability and using that, he's able to take about eight or nine steps at a time before he stops, wobbling about and eventually sitting down to avoid plunking down and injuring himself, still grasping the table.

Phil uploads the video on LessAmazingPhil and he and Dan watch it again, Dan squeezing his hand in excitement and Phil squeezing right back and they don't even notice.

That night, when they go to bed, they talk quietly about how big Charlie's getting, about how much he's learning, so fast, and they've both got vaguely dopey smiles on their face as they drift off.

 

Phil wakes up the next morning to the pleasant feeling of being kissed. He comes out of sleep with a mouth pressed gently to his and he kisses back without even thinking, brain not working, fingers resting against the sheets and then coming to rest on the flat of a stomach curled half-into the sheets.

There's a quiet sigh of breath and he feels a hand press to his thigh and squeeze gently and he shifts towards the touch and then his brain kick-starts and his eyes pop-open and he lets out a muffled, “mrph-”, pushing up and away from Dan.

He wakes Dan as his fingers come to cover his mouth, staring at Dan who stares right back at him in confusion until Phil carefully asks, “Did you mean to kiss me?”

Dan's face becomes suddenly shocked. “I thought I was just dreaming. I was dreaming I was kissing someone. I was actually...?” He trails off and Phil nods.

“Yeah, I woke up to it. Um. I mean, I was responding, I was asleep too, but yeah, we were kissing.” Phil breathes out. He stares at Dan who seems unable to formulate words.

“I'm sorry, Phil, I didn't mean to-” Dan gets out. Then he gets out of bed and Phil averts his eyes a second too late to notice the very obvious fact that Dan's hard in his own pyjama pants and Phil's still half-hard himself, from the sheer physical pleasure of the kiss.

“It's fine,” Phil tries to play it off casually, with a laugh. “It was an honest mistake. Probably was going to happen eventually, if all those tropes you see on television are anything to go by.”

“Yeah,” Dan agrees, looking confused and a little unhappy still. “Look, I'll make breakfast, you go and have a shower or something and we'll forget it happened.”

But that night, it seems like they can't, because when Phil goes into his room, he notices there's only one pillow there and when he goes to Dan's room, he knocks, and Dan's in his bed, curled up, eyes shut.

Phil studies him, watches Dan's face, his breathing, and he says quietly, “Dan?” and he can see from the faint twitch of Dan's face that Dan's awake, but after another long minute and Dan doesn't respond, he pretends that Dan's sleeping just like Dan's pretending and leaves.

He barely sleeps that night, his thoughts chasing around over the fact that he's made Dan so uncomfortable that Dan's moved into the other room, pondering over the fact that he kissed Dan or Dan had kissed him or maybe they'd both ended up kissing one another somehow in their sleep, but it had happened, and he doesn't know if it was because he was dreaming or if because of physical nearness, he'd automatically kissed Dan but either way, it's an endless chain of thought that doesn't resolve, just starts over again.

He can tell Dan slept like shit too the next morning, mumbling at him, falling asleep as he sits on the couch, but he goes back to his own bedroom again that night as well.

Phil thinks maybe the best way to resolve this is to talk about it and so before Dan can pretend to fall asleep, he follows him and as Dan's changing into pyjamas, Phil knocks.

A moment later, the door opens, and there's Dan, staring at him with an expression that's carefully flat and when Phil says, “Look, about yesterday morning,”, it very abruptly and very explicitly changes to _do not do this, I do not want to do this_ but Phil pushes on. “It happened but it was an accident. It probably won't happen again. If you want, you can come sleep in my bed again. I know you're comfortable there and I mean, I don't mind. We both agree it's nice.”

Dan shakes his head and turns away. “No. It happened and now that it did, it could happen again. And that could get very awkward for us both. Whether or not we want to do it, it might happen again and the easiest way for us to stop it is that I just go back to where I'm supposed to be sleeping in the first place. I mean, we both knew I'd have to get used to sleeping by myself at some point so I guess now, after that, is as good a time as any.”

His voice is clipped, not quite angry but something akin to it underneath, and Phil very cautiously says, “I'm willing to risk it.”

There's a long silence and then Dan says, with dangerous firmness, “I'm not.”

“Dan.” Phil pleads. He doesn't want things to get weird. He doesn't want it to get fucked up.

“Just drop it, Phil, okay? For fucks sake.” Dan finally turns and looks at him again. “I'll go back to sleeping here, you'll go back to sleeping by yourself, we'll be normal flat-mates again. That's all there is to it. That's how it's going to be.”

Phil doesn't know what to say anymore and he's pretty sure Dan's reached the end of his patience – or maybe just the end of being able to pretend things are going to be okay if they do things like this – and so he closes the door behind him as he leaves.

He sleeps like shit that night too. The bed feels empty and he keeps rolling into the slight dent that Dan's pressed into the mattress with his weight and it smells like Dan and every time he falls asleep he wakes up a half-hour later thinking Dan will have conceded and come back.

It takes him a week before he finally adjusts to a bed without Dan. He thinks maybe Dan's finally adjusting too, because Dan's starting to look less like a zombie in the mornings.

The worst part, though, is that Dan starts to separate from Phil's life and from Charlie's. Just a little. Just enough that when Phil looks for Dan, smiling about something they're watching, and Dan should be looking at him and grinning back, Dan's eyes remain stubbornly on the television or he looks away.

He doesn't offer to read Charlie to sleep anymore and he plays with him less and even Charlie can tell the difference, reaching for Dan as Dan comes to sit on the couch, on the far end, not his usual spot, away from Phil, and while he absently reaches down to pat Charlie's head, he doesn't pull him into his lap like he would have.

Phil hates it. Things are all fucked up and it's his fault and he has no idea how to fix it. For the first time in a long time, Phil wants to actually cry and tears do prick his eyes, hot stinging things that he bites back furiously, and he stares at Dan and is completely terrified that in a few months they'll barely be flat-mates and then Dan will move out and they'll be nothing at all.

He's scared of losing his best friend, of losing someone who he's basically thought of as what can only be a soulmate except platonically, he's scared of Charlie losing Dan, and he doesn't know how to voice it, and so he just holds Charlie to him a little too tight and kisses his forehead and tries not to think at all.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I mentioned I'm sorry for hurting y'all yet? Probably two more (minimum *cringe*) chapters of angst and then it should get better. Also more retconning re: TABINOF to try and fix my forgetfulness. Also also I literally wrote the entire interview in this chapter without an ulterior motive and then decided to see if I could splice it into something worse so... guess it goes to show just how easy it is to misconstrue things? Also, the book in this chapter is real and decidedly as hilarious in that one bit as described, but heartwrenching in its own way as it was written after two miscarriages by the author's wife so take it as you will. I have great respect for it, though my mother and I have personally spent a great deal of time laughing like lunatics over it.

Things don't go back to normal soon enough. Phil wishes they would but instead, Dan starts spending more time out with other friends, he makes a video and doesn't even mention what's going to be on it to Phil.

Phil's honestly wondering if they can do their tour at this rate. It starts in less than a month. They've got a party they have to go to for the BBC on Valentine's Day and to be honest, Phil's dreading it because as usual, people are expecting them to show up as DanandPhil, not Dan and Phil, and Phil's not sure he can act that well.

Not when Dan and him are half-hearted in their interactions – well, Dan is, anyways. Phil's doing his best to make things right, however he can, and Dan sort of … it feels like Phil's drowning and he wishes Dan would reach down and offer a hand to pull him up but Dan's just sitting at the edge of the dock watching him with guarded eyes.

That's the only way to describe Dan anymore is guarded. He's still Phil's friend. He just doesn't let Phil in past the surface. It's like he's not letting Phil be his friend anymore, if anything.

They go grocery shopping and Phil tries several times to appeal to Dan, even going so far as to hold up a bag of Maltesers.

Dan smiles curtly at him and takes the bag and puts it back, saying he's not really in the mood for Maltesers. Which – Dan is _never_ not in the mood for Maltesers. Even being vegan, he's not cut out Maltesers.

Phil tries to engage him again, asking what juice and what baby snacks they should get Charlie, who's sitting in the trolley, and Dan shrugs. “Whatever he likes, I guess. Apple juice seems to have worked in the past.”

When they check out, Dan helps Phil carry everything out to the cab that's waiting for them, pulls out his phone and starts looking at Twitter on the ride back, wordlessly helps carry everything up and put things away, and then disappears into his room.

Phil sits with Charlie in the lounge, with one of his books, reading to him. He's got Charlie's chubby hand in his and is moving Charlie's fingers along the words as he reads.

It's probably one of the more surreal books that Phil's ever read, to be honest. It's called _Love You Forever_ , and while it's got a genuinely touching meaning – it involves a mother singing to her child about how much she'll always love him over the years as he grows up, eventually the child grows up into a man, gets married, moves away, and the mother actually crawls into his bedroom door and pull him into her lap.

Phil had to stop when he got to that point and actually re-read it, staring at the picture of a fully grown man, happily married, whose mother had just broken into his home where he was sleeping with his wife, and is whispering to him in his sleep.

He calls Dan into the room, torn between hysterical laughter and just plain terror at the concept. Dan enters, wearing the passively blank face that's become a regular around Phil, and Phil says, “Hey, Dan, I want to read a story with you to Charlie, is that alright?”

Dan shrugs. “Sure, I guess.” He sits down next to Phil.

“We each can read a page, okay? Turn by turn?”

So they begin. Phil speaks. “ A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held him, she sang, 'I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as you're living, my baby you'll be.'”

He lets Dan go next. “The baby grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was two years old, and he ran all around the house. He pulled all the books off the shelves. He pulled all the food out of the refrigerator and he took his mother's watch and flushed it down the toilet. Sometimes his mother would say, 'This kid is driving me  _ crazy _ !'”

Dan pauses and mutters under his breath, “Oh good, this is what we get to look forward to.” But unlike his usual of late flat tone with Phil, when it's aimed at Charlie, there's just a bit of warmth to it, and he touches Charlie's arm with his thumb. 

Phil hides a smile at that and takes over again. “But at night time, when that two-year-old was quiet, she opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor, looked up over the side of his bed; and if he was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang,” and here the chorus repeats itself, and he repeats it to Charlie with absolute love in his voice. 

They take turns, with the boy turning nine, then into a teenager, and then they got to the part that Phil had been forced to stop and call Dan in. It's Dan's turn to read and he begins. 

“That teenager grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a grown-up man. He left home and got a house across town. But sometimes on dark nights the mother got into her car and drove across town.” Dan pauses here. “Phil, what the hell kind of book did you buy Charlie?” 

Phil just silently gestures for Dan to continue. “If all the lights in her son's house were out, she opened his bedroom window, crawled across the floor-” Dan stops here and actually screeches, “What! No, Phil, I refuse to believe this is real, this woman is a stalker, this is not  _ normal motherly behavior _ ,” and Phil's laughing hysterically now as Dan reads on.

“'-and looked up over the side of his bed. If that great big man was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.' Phil, this is terrifying, you can't read this to Charlie, this woman clearly is deranged!” Dan's laughing just as hard as Phil, the words sputtering from his mouth in helpless giggles and the book falls to the ground. 

“I know, right?” Phil asks. “Imagine if your mum did that, how would you react?” 

“I'd be bloody horrified, I mean, I love her and all but jeez, there's a limit!” Dan answers and he puts a hand on Phil's thigh as he pushes himself upright from where he's slid down, laughing. 

That touch is more than Phil's had in two weeks and he actually feels a physical pang of loss when Dan removes it, not having even noticed.

Once they get themselves under control, they continue reading, Phil determined to see through it, wondering just how far this woman will go. 

Unfortunately, it turns much sadder, as the woman grows old and knows she's going to die soon, and her son goes to visit her, and she tries to sing her song. “But she couldn't finish because she was too old and sick. The son went to his mother. He picked her up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And he sang this song , 'I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my Mommy you'll be,” 

Phil pauses as he gets there. “That's not so funny,” he says softly, and he looks at Dan, whose eyes are bright and he ducks his head away and swipes with the back of his palm. 

“No, that's not funny at all,” Dan whispers. He takes the book back to read the last of it, where the son drives home and goes upstairs to his own newborn and sings the song, repeating the cycle anew. 

They sit there for a minute after Dan closes the book. “Well. That was actually a lovely book, aside from the momentary deranged stalking mother,” Dan says. He looks at Charlie, who is starting to fall asleep, head resting on Phil's chest.

“Love you, Charlieboy,” Dan whispers to Charlie. 

He looks at Phil and seems like he's about to say something but bites it back, closing his mouth and getting up and leaves the room again. 

 

“Well. I guess that was something. Progress, maybe,” Phil tells Charlie, who yawns and tilts sideways in Phil's lap, and Phil catches him into a cuddle. He sits like that for a while before deciding he needs to talk to Dan. 

Carefully gathering himself and getting up, he carries Charlie to his crib and deposits him, letting his son lay on his back, a loose pile of limbs flopping out to the side as Phil lets go. 

Going to Dan's room, he knocks on the door. “Dan?” He calls. 

Phil waits several seconds and then hears the doorknob turning and takes a step back as Dan opens the door to him. 

“Yeah?” Dan asks. 

Phil glances at Dan's bed. “Can I come in?” Dan hesitates and then steps aside wordlessly, going to his computer chair. Phil sits on the edge of the bed and plays with the blanket, rolling it between his fingers. 

“Dan, we've got this party to go to for the BBC and our tour's about to start and...” Phil sighs. “It's not going to work if things are … off between us. You know?” 

Dan remains silent, blinking a few times but giving nothing away on his face. He licks his lips and then presses them together wordlessly. 

“I mean, you're barely talking to me. You only talk to me when I talk to you.” Phil says. 

“That's not true,” Dan argues and Phil cuts him off. 

“It is completely true. You're freaked out and you're taking it out on me. And my son, who, while I mean, I don't appreciate you taking it out on me, I can sort of suck it up for now, but you have no right to make Charlie feel unloved.” Phil glares at Dan now. “I've seen the way Charlie's been acting when you're around. You brush him off. I am not going to let my baby grow up with you if you treat him like that.” 

Dan has the decency to look guilty here. “Look, I'll pay more attention to Charlie. I'm sorry if you think I was brushing him off-”

Phil interrupts him. “You  _ were _ brushing him off.” He nails Dan again with a harsh look and Dan concedes. 

“Fine. I'm sorry. That won't happen again. You're right, Charlie shouldn't have to feel neglected.” 

Phil pauses. “And us?” 

Dan peers at him. “And us, what? I'm not neglecting you, Phil. You're not an infant. You can take care of yourself perfectly well. I'm not your only friend. If you're lonely, you can go talk to Cat or Connor or Tyler or someone.” 

Phil rolls his eyes. “Sure. Because I haven't accidentally kissed one of them so they don't have to ignore me for weeks on end because they don't know how to deal with things like a grown-up.” 

Actual anger flares across Dan's features and he grits out, leaning forward, “You know, I think I take it back. Maybe you are an infant, if you're going to get this pissy and into a snit just because I've been a bit anti-social.”

Phil barely manages to contain a disgusted, “piss off,” because that's not going to get them anywhere. He looks at his lap, counts out ten slow breaths before responding. 

“This. This is exactly what we can't do, Dan. You have to get over this. If not for our friendship, then for our fans. We're going on tour and you know just as well as I do that they'll pick up on if we're off.” Phil says, mildly.

He's trying to diffuse the situation. Dan turns around to the keyboard and pulls up Buzzfeed and Phil watches him in silence. 

“Dan.” Dan doesn't look at him and Phil risks using a nickname he hasn't used on Dan in quite some time. “Bear.”

Dan stiffens and turns to face him. “That's not fair,” he says. It's really not. It's a nickname that only his closest friends or family use and Phil knows it and is exploiting that, asking without asking if he's still one of Dan's closest friends. 

Phil looks at him silently and Dan sighs. “You couldn't look more like a kicked puppy if you tried,” Dan says, scooting the chair across the room until he's got his knees pressed to Phil's.

“Alright. We'll figure things out. Our fans deserve that much.” Dan agrees. Phil notes that he doesn't, however, say, anything about fixing things, anything about them deserving that much. 

But it's as good as he's going to get, that much he knows, and he risks patting Dan's thigh. “Thanks,” Phil says. 

“Yeah.” Dan's already pushing back to his computer and looking away from Phil. But as Phil gets up to leave, he speaks. “I'm thinking of doing an Internet Support Group number 9. Did you want to help co-star? Maybe act as a more practical advisor for some of the weirder questions I get? Or just be there to be aghast at them?” 

“Of course,” Phil answers without even thinking because any chance he can to try and do something to fix things with Dan, he's going to do. But his chest is tight and it hurts to breathe a little when he looks at Dan, who doesn't look back at him. 

He still feels like it's not going to be okay. 

 

The party for Valentine's Day comes and Phil's put in a sour mood by noon when he logs on to Twitter to tweet about the BBC party and sees tons of replies mentioning the prank video that he privated years ago that continues to resurface. 

Dan must be seeing them as well, as half of them have @danisnotonfire in the message as well. Sure enough, he comes out of his room, muttering about 'phangirls'. 

Ninety-five percent of the time, they can deal with the shipping, with the photomanips and fanfiction and people scrutinizing every single detail of their videos together.

It's even more difficult in a way now because half the people are busy looking for proof that somehow Dan and Phil are a couple with a baby and the other half  _ have _ noticed the strange tautness between Dan and Phil in the last couple weeks, where Dan hasn't retweeted a single thing from Phil and already there's people asking Phil if he and Dan broke up.

Phil looks at Dan sympathetically. “Do you know,” he mentions, “if I could slam my door without waking Charlie, I would?” 

“We could do it in sync, then.” Dan answers. “Repeatedly?”

“Definitely.” 

Somehow, being sour together is actually better than being sour alone and the two of them eat a silent breakfast, punctuated only by the occasional mutter of one of them grumbling about something and the other sympathising without it even being a conversation. 

Dan mutters about the crap weather because it's going to storm, he mutters about being alone on Valentine's Day, he mutters about obligatory BBC parties, he mutters about the stress of rescheduling their tour. 

Phil grumbles out something about not trusting Charlie won't forget him in a month's time while he's away, the shit weather and all the couples who will stay in all romantic and cozy because of it, and finishes up with 'stupid-arse bloody Valentine's video prank shitstorm yet again'. 

Contrary to how he portrays himself on videos, he does swear. But he likes to keep thinks family-friendly for the most part on his videos, unlike Dan. 

Dan doesn't look at him, but he does, at one point, say very quietly, “I definitely regret that prank video.” 

“Drinking game. Take a shot every time you get a tweet about it today.” Phil says, dryly. 

“My health insurance doesn't cover alcohol poisoning,” Dan answers, just as dryly, and for a moment, it's him and Dan again, and he cracks up with Dan following. 

“I'm pretty sure nobody's health insurance would cover the alcohol poisoning you'd get. There's not enough defibrillators to restart your heart after you've been sick and had a heart attack.” Phil tells him. 

They've hired a sitter again for Charlie while they're out and as they're getting dressed for the party, Phil choosing a navy blue dress shirt and black slacks, while Dan opts for, unsurprisingly, a black shirt that hangs somewhere between casual and dress and the same with his black slacks that, at first glance, almost look like they're jeans material. 

“How did you find actual dress pants that trick my eyes into thinking you're wearing jeans?” Phil asks as he evaluates Dan. 

Dan shrugs. “Talented.” His one-word response prompts Phil to come over and nudge his wrist against Dan's. Dan takes a step away, glancing at his phone. “We should get going.”

“Hey. Look, just – if it helps you get through tonight, think of that mother in the story and the drinking game.” Phil says. When Dan looks at him in confusion, Phil clarifies. “Both times you were laughing at me. You weren't busy overthinking things.” 

There's a definite glare from Dan at the last two words there but then after a minute, he relaxes. “Okay. We'll get through tonight. ” 

Phil's not sure which one of them Dan's trying to reassure. “We can't leave yet, by the way. We're waiting on the sitter.”

“You're waiting onto the sitter.” Dan replies. Phil wonders if 'getting through tonight' is going to start at approximately .01 seconds before the actual party. Dan must be able to read Phil's face and he says, quickly, “Alright, we're waiting for the sitter.” 

When the sitter arrives, it's a rather twee young man, who giggles upon meeting Charlie, plucking him out of his crib and giving him a boop to the nose with his index finger, exclaiming, “Oh you are just absolutely the most precious thing on this world!”. 

As they leave, Dan mutters, “Camp much?” 

“So?” Phil shoots back. “I'm pretty sure Charlie doesn't care if his sitter likes boys. I didn't think you cared either.” 

“I _don't_ ,” and Dan glares at Phil here. 

 

Phil remains silent all the way to the party, now in a particularly snarly mood at Dan. At this point, even if Dan keeps his end of the bargain, he's not sure he'll be able to uphold it. 

Dan's had to go and make a mess of things and it's not Phil's fault but he's the one who has to suffer through it. 

Of course, they're not really the main event, so they're able to make an appearance and then disappear off to the sidelines, until one of the people decides to interview them. 

Phil's talking with someone else when he feels a hand on his arm and turns to see a reporter. She's got eyes that fall a shade between grey and blue, wide and perceivably innocent, though Phil knows reporters well enough to never fall for that guise. 

Her hair is jet-black, half of it shaved close to her head and the other falling to just above her jaw, and as she turns to talk to her cameraman, he can see it grows longer where it's shaved in the back to be spiked up. It's certainly quirky-looking. 

She's nearly as tall as him, built broad and muscular, wearing a neat charcoal-grey dress-suit, her skin ruddy in the cheeks despite makeup, eyebrows dark brown and bushy, betraying her hair color. 

“Phil,” she smiles warmly at him. “Where's your other half?” 

He pulls out a chuckle, putting his face at ease. “Oh, you mean Dan? I'm not sure, he's here somewhere,” he answers easily, keeping a pleasant expression on his face. 

“Let's find him and have an interview, yes?” It's not really a question and she curls her fingers around his wrist just enough to be more than a grip but not quite a squeeze. 

Phil almost trips after her as she heads off and they wander in the background of people until he spots Dan's familiar fringe and all-black outfit and thinks to himself,  _ Please don't kill me _ and hopes Dan learns telepathy in that instant. 

She spots Dan just as quickly and they wind over to him where he looks up and Phil can't tell if it's Dan seeing Phil or the reporter or both that makes his face go suddenly smooth. 

“Gwen Huff,” she introduces herself. Distantly, in Phil's head, he remembers hearing about her once. She was a relatively new reporter at the time, though she'd been described as ruthless. He steels himself. 

“Phil, you're here without your infant. Can you tell us more about him?” 

Phil smiles at her, putting on a charming expression. “Of course, now that he's a little older, I'm happy to tell you about him.” No, he's not, but he doesn't have a choice here. If he clams up, she'll twist it somehow. 

He pulls out his phone and pulls up the first photo of Charlie on it, an innocuous photo of him sleeping recently that he'd sent his parents. “He's almost ten months now and he's busy impressing us with his new words and learning to walk,” he says. 

As he turns the phone away, with one hand and nimble fingers, he switches to a text message and types out  _ dont give away anything she'll make up lies _ as he slides his phone back in his pocket and continues talking, trusting his fingers to know the keys perfectly on his mobile perfectly. 

He doesn't send it to anybody though, and continues talking. “For instance, Charlie knows how to say book, and he likes being read to. In fact, this morning, I read him a wonderful book about a mother telling her son just how much she loves him – would you excuse me?” He lifts his phone up. “I've got a text from a friend, I should have turned my mobile off,” he excuses himself. 

“Of course – Dan,” she turns and Phil taps Dan's ankle with his foot. Dan glances at him and Phil flashes Dan his phone discreetly, pretending to type. Dan looks at him, then the phone, then at him again all in two seconds and then back at her, quickly smiling. 

“Dan, how do you impact raising Charlie?”

Dan gives that angelic smile of his. “Oh, Phil and I have worked out a system. I help when he needs it but he's a great father on his own.” There's no falsity in his words there and Phil's grateful when Dan looks at him and that smile stays strong on Dan's face. “Honestly, I don't know if I could be as good a father as Phil.”

“And your social life? Your love life? Does it factor into that at all?” 

Dan laughs easily, meeting her gaze. “No, I see friends regularly. We've got a sitter tonight and Phil's mum has been wonderful and helps out plenty. Between writing a book and making a game and just our own respective channels, neither of us would have had a lot of time for dating either way, but obviously having a baby has meant that Phil wants to make sure the person he dates will love Charlie just as much as he does, and as for me, I'm just waiting for the right lady to come along. It's hard to date when you have as large a fanbase as we do.”

Phil puts his phone down now and jumps in. “By right lady, Dan means someone who will appreciate him for all his good qualities, even when he's busy being self-deprecating.” 

He knows instantly that he's gone a step too far. He meant for it to be him reaching out to Dan, trying to let Dan know how much Phil cares about him, but he can see Dan's panicked gaze and Gwen's teeth showing as she smiles. 

“Phil, can you elaborate on Dan's good qualities, since he likes to be self-deprecating, in your words?”

Phil chuckles and contemplates starting a bill that bans all reporters from coming within a mile of himself and Dan. “Well, he's incredibly giving and caring and patient and forgiving. Especially forgiving. And even when he's busy overthinking his own life, he never fails to be a supportive pal.” 

He's listing Dan honestly and as he slings an arm across Dan's shoulder and gives him a mild shake, he feels Dan stiffen. “Seriously, for the amount of times I've screwed up and Dan forgave me, I should be keeping track of it in quid, he'd be rich.”

“Dan, is this true?”

Dan claps Phil on the back – maybe a bit harder than necessary but he thumbs over it a second later and that itself is a silent conversation of  _ you fucked up but I forgive you _ – and answers. “Phil never lies, so it must be.” 

“You mentioned helping him out with Charlie. What does that entail?” 

Dan shrugs casually. “You know, it's been almost a year. I've done everything. I've fed him, I've changed him, given him baths, put him to bed, looked after him while Phil was out, soothed boo-boos, all sorts of stuff. Nothing that a best mate wouldn't do.”

He rubs his thumb over the small of Phil's back again and Phil inhales, shifting and brushing his hip into Dan's, letting his weight linger there just for a moment. 

They speak a silent language between themselves with touch, something they've learned since they first met, and aside from the most prolific of fans, most people don't pick up on it. They can speak as quick as a breath with a touch.

“Well then, that's sweet of you. On to more, well, topical topics, your book came out and you cancelled your tour and rescheduled.”

Phil nods. “That would be my fault. Charlie would have only been five and a half months and I didn't feel comfortable leaving him alone or with a sitter or my parents. We've apologised profusely and refunded everybody and we hope that all the people who bought tickets could rebook for our new schedule.”

“Did you mind, Dan?” She turns her frame just enough to focus on Dan. 

“No. Phil and I are partners in this business and I completely understood. If I had a child, I would want to make sure he was safe and comfortable before I went on tour.” Dan answers. “I think Phil made the best business decision in the end. Our fans – our true fans – will agree.”

“The book touts telling all sorts of things we don't know, like what happened in Vegas. Were you telling the entire truth in the story?” 

She's probing, trying to find a way to prove there's more to their story, even though the book says nothing happened besides a few funny paragraphs. 

“Absolutely. I don't know where people could surmise that Phil and I are anything more than friends,” Dan says. Phil's memory surges to the kiss and he slams his thoughts down before he can make anything more of it. If he doesn't think of it, he can't overthink it like Dan's doing. 

“I'd say we've got enough for an interview, wouldn't you say?” It's again, not a question, and she smiles at them with too-wide lips and as she exits, Phil lets out a sigh of relief. 

“We're lures on a bait and she's a piranha,” Dan mutters to Phil. 

“I'm pretty sure we've been bitten,” Phil mutters right back. “She'll find some way to make things sound bad. I don't trust her.”

He waits for Dan to accuse him of making things worse by talking up Dan himself but it doesn't come and after a few moments, Phil realises that Dan's forgiving him for that. 

 

When the party is over and they've gotten home, it's a race to discard themselves of their clothes. Somehow, Phil feels unclean after that interview and Dan must feel the same because Phil shoves three twenty-quid notes into his hand, even though he only owes just over two, just as an extra tip, to get the sitter out of their faster as he scoops Charlie up and kisses his forehead. 

“Thanks so much have a good night daddy missed you so much,” he says in one breath as he focuses on Charlie, ignoring the sitter as Dan ushers him out the door. 

“How long before that footage gets edited and put on the internet?” Dan asks. 

Phil looks at him. “I'd guess about an hour ago.” 

Sure enough, it's their interview, but edited just enough to play with their words. When she asks about their love life, she makes it sound like Dan and Phil are an item. 

In fact, most of the interview is gone and all that's left is Dan talking. "Oh, Phil and I have worked out a system. Honestly, I don't know if I could be as good a father as Phil. We've got a sitter tonight and Phil's mum has been wonderful and helps out plenty. Between writing a book and making a game and just our own respective channels, neither of us would have had a lot of time for dating either way," and while the cuts before have been subtle, the next one is a bit easier to see, but still brief enough to be difficult to pick out, "....it's been almost a year. I've done everything. I've fed him, I've changed him, given him baths, put him to bed, looked after him while Phil was out, soothed boo-boos, all sorts of stuff." 

Another cut and then, "Phil and I are partners.” There, the interview ends.

It's too obvious there and Phil spends the next few hours desperately checking for another video that eventually surfaces, where some other reporter – he has no idea who but he makes a mental note to kiss them if he ever finds out – uploads a video with “2016 BBC V-DAY RECEPTION VIDEO” on Youtube that lasts just over a half-hour and around the sixteen minute mark, you can just overhear the entire interview. 

Phil tweets that “Hey, catch us in the background of this video, check out what an actual interview sounds like versus clipped together bits!” and Dan almost instantly retweets it, probably as stressed as he is. 

But the video that Gwen uploaded is already going viral and Phil storms into Dan's room. “They'll believe bloody anything!” Phil nearly shouts. 

“Of course they will, if they can imagine us in bed together, they'd believe it if I said you liked me to cover you in shrimp and chocolate sauce and pretend I was a peacock.” Dan answers. 

That answer throws Phil and he, even in his frustration, starts laughing. “I'm pretty sure that's just far enough on the less credible side that they wouldn't.” He doesn't think about how they did spend so many months in bed together. 

He doesn't think of the kiss. 

Instead he crosses the room and drops his weight on either side of Dan's in his chair, and there's not nearly enough room with his legs squeezing against Dan's but Phil curls Dan forward into a hug and says, “Thanks for being there for me tonight,” and while Dan stiffens and doesn't return the hug, he doesn't shove Phil away. 

That's as good as Phil's getting tonight. He steps back and Dan looks at him with an expression that's fleetingly heartbroken before it goes placid. Phil wants to question it. He says nothing and leaves the room. 

He pretends that his last thought wasn't to kiss Dan, to soothe that heartbroken expression. 

He pretends, because right now, that's all he's got left.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, the angst is somewhat diminished in this chapter and it's actually kind of fluffy and cute (and for all of you who have been BEGGING for Charlie to say a certain something, you should be happy ;D)
> 
> Somewhat. But don't get comfortable yet kids, because if the angst was bad before, it's about a five out of ten compared to the angst that's coming up. Yet again, though, I promise this is going to have a happy ending (no seriously, the most happy of endings. It's just going to take them a while to get there.)
> 
> Thank you all so much for all your lovely compliments in the comments. I'm so glad I have time and inspiration to write this story again and update it so much for you. Please let me know if you think the writing quality is going down since I'm trying to update it more regularly, though, because if I'm failing at writing well in order to produce content, I don't want to do that! I want this story to be as good as it can be for you all!
> 
> <3 - Caden

The day before their tour starts, Phil's mum picks up Charlie. He's already paid her a fair estimate of what her taking care of his son for the next month will cost but as she takes Charlie from his arms, he already wants to just cancel the tour.

“I'm going to miss you, little guy,” he tells Charlie. “Even though you're not so little anymore. And I'll come visit you as much as I can on the tour.”

Dan's in his room and Phil calls for him. “Dan, come say goodbye to Charlie.”

Dan looks just as devastated as Phil as he comes into the lounge and reaches out for Charlie, who's reaching for him. “Charlieboy,” he says, lifting Charlie's shirt and blowing a kiss on his stomach until Charlie giggles.

“Charlieboy, we'll be back, I promise.” But Dan's smile is only faint and he kisses Charlie's cheeks several times, giving him an awkward hug while Phil's mum holds him.

“Give him back for a second, mum?” Phil asks. He can't go without one more hug for his baby, and he squeezes Charlie as tight as he can without hurting him. “I don't wanna go,” he mumbles into his baby's skin. “Dan, cancel everything. I have to stay here with my baby.”

“No, Phil, we've got to go, we already put this off once,” Dan tells him, even as he strokes Charlie's hair down, smoothing at the cowlick that refuses to ever stay flat.

Phil's mum is looking at them with a smile on her face. “I swear, I don't know which of you is being more dramatic over this. You're going to be able to visit him at least a couple of times a week for most of the tour, even if it's a bit of a journey, if you want.”

“Yeah, but, what if he forgets us?” Phil asks, finally giving back Charlie to his mum. “Be good for her, please. I know you still think throwing things is the best game ever but don't do it at her house? And eat all the pureed vegetables, even though I know you hate most of them. And don't splash her during bathtime. Make sure you talk a lot so you can impress me with new words when I get back.”

Charlie smiles at him as he talks, smacking his hand into Phil's cheek a couple of times and Phil catches his wrist and kisses his palm. “And don't forget me. I'll be heartbroken if you forget me.”

It takes another five minutes before his mum can leave because he keeps stopping her to tell Charlie something else, or Dan does, and when she's gone, the flat feels so empty.

“It seems so quiet in here now,” Phil says, slumping against the wall.

Dan looks just as put out as Phil feels. “We should have figured out how to bring him with us.”

“No, I didn't want to risk having a bunch of phangirls stalking us to get a glimpse of Charlie. You didn't either, remember?” Phil responds. Dan shrugs.

“I know, but what if he gets lonely?” Dan asks, heading into the kitchen. “Did she take his stuffed zebra I got him?”

“Yeah, I made sure of it. Zebra was definitely packed up.” Phil reassures Dan, who glances at him and actually smiles. Phil tries to memorise it. It's been too long since Dan really smiled at him.

“You're such a good dad, Phil.”

“You're not so bad either. I mean, as a caretaker, not a dad. You've done a lot more than you know.” Phil tells him and Dan gives a short, sharp laugh. “Really.”

The rest of the night seems to take forever. He keeps getting up to check on Charlie and sitting down again after taking two steps. Dan even ends up doing it twice.

As Dan's getting ready for bed, Phil finds the vouchers he has left. One of them is for a bath for Charlie and he scratches out the words “bath for Charlie” and instead writes in “hug for Phil”.

He takes it into Dan's room, where Dan's lying in bed now, shirtless, on his stomach, under the covers, propped up on his elbows doing something on his phone.

“Dan,” Phil says quietly. He lays the scrap of paper on the pillow in front of Dan who looks at it and then at Phil.

“You changed it,” Dan says, giving Phil an admonishing look. “That was never part of the package.”

“Yeah, well. I thought maybe you'd let it slide.” Phil replies, leaning against the wall with a shoulder. “I could really use it, anyways. I miss my baby.”

Dan heaves a sigh. “I just got warm and comfortable under my blankets.” But he throws them back and stands and after a second, takes the step forward to close the distance between them and hugs Phil carefully.

“Stop holding back and give me a proper hug. This is supposed to be making me less lonely.” Phil grumbles and he reaches up and pulls Dan in tight to him.

“Oof,” Dan grunts as Phil tightens his arms around him, but he squeezes Phil back, almost too hard, and Phil doesn't care, because too hard means he can feel Dan and he feels less alone.

When Dan starts to pull back, Phil tightens his arms. “Not yet.” He buries his face against Dan's shoulder and neck, clasping his hands against the base of Dan's back, where the skin is warm and soft and Dan sighs, stiffens in his arms, and then goes boneless.

“You're being a pain,” Dan complains. But he drags Phil over to the bed. “At least let's sit down and get comfortable if you're going to be the human limpet.”

“Dan...” Phil hesitates before he asks. “Can I stay here until I go to bed? I'll sleep in my own room, I just don't want to be alone. Even if you're sleeping. I'll feel less alone.”

Dan gives Phil a look that's just short of withering. “Literally you're ridiculous.” But he shuffles over in the bed to give Phil more room and crawls back under the covers. “Good night, Phil.”

Phil sits there, just thinking, and he absent-mindedly reaches up and strokes Dan's hair at some point after Dan falls asleep. He ends up heading to bed sometime around midnight, even though they have to be up by seven the next morning and he's going to be exhausted later.

 

The next morning is a blur of showering, speed-eating cereal, heading to the train station so they can get to their hotel just long enough to check in before getting to their venue in Glasgow.

In fact, the entire day feels like a dream to Phil, standing with Dan in front of the screaming audience, getting ready to talk about their book, to talk about their lives. Instinctively, he reaches over and grabs Dan's hand, raising it up with his as he yells hello to the crowd as the show starts, and squeezes tight.

Dan glances at him and he's smiling, he's really smiling, looking like himself for the first time in ages, and Phil smiles back helplessly before turning back to the audience.

They wait until the screaming dies down before Phil starts. “Hey guys,” and Dan adds, “Hello people not on the internet,” and the screaming starts again. It's overwhelming and completely over the top, to be honest, because they're just two blokes who've managed to somehow gain this many fans, and this is just a fraction of them, and Phil can't fathom it.

The show goes off without a hitch, Dan and Phil playing off each other, and Phil finally feels comfortable with Dan again, and when they get back to the hotel room, Dan's grabbing Phil into a hug and thumping on his back so hard it hurts and Phil could not give a shit less if he tried because he's shouting, “We did it, it was wonderful, Dan, oh my gosh!”

They crash onto the bed and Dan flops out, throwing his arm across Phil's stomach and whacking him. “We should order something really fancy from the hotel menu as a reward,” he announces. “Like, lobster.”

“You're vegan?” Phil reminds him, laughing.

“Oh yeah. Well. Vegan lobster.” Dan sits upright and gets the information for the hotel restaurant from the bedside table next to the bed.

“I don't actually think that exists, Dan.” Phil teases him. He props his chin on Dan's shoulder from behind him and looks at it. “Ooo, I want that,” he points at chicken vesuvio.

“Damn, there's like, no vegan-friendly food here. I guess I'll just end up ordering a salad.” Dan frowns.

“No, look, they've got pasta and vegetables. You can just call down and make sure they don't cook the pasta with butter or anything and you'll be good,” Phil points out.

“Yeah, I suppose. Do you want to go down there to eat or just stay here?”

Phil gets up and goes to his own bed. “Stay here. I'm exhausted. I might pass out before the food gets here.”

“You are not ordering something expensive and then not eating it,” Dan chastises him.

“Just gonna rest my eyes. Get me chicken vesuvio and, uh, some kind of dessert.” Phil mumbles, rolling facedown.

Phil feels Dan chuck a pillow at him, bouncing off his back, and then Dan dials the number for the restaurant, ordering for both of them.

When their meal comes, they sit at the little round table in the corner of the room, turning on the television and flipping through the channels.

 

After their sixth show, in Glasgow, they don't have another show for five days, in Leeds, and Phil already is planning on going to visit his parents and Charlie. To his surprise, Dan insists on coming with.

“I miss your kid,” Dan says, sheepishly. “A lot.”

“How do you think I feel?” In all honesty, Phil's gotten kind of desperate. He feels like his palms are actually tingling with the excitement of getting to hold his baby again.

So Phil rings his mum and asks if it's okay if Dan stays with them for a few days and she's fine with it, as he figured she'd be. She's always been understanding about Dan and really, he's gotten quite lucky as she's always been pretty cool in general. He thinks about the phone call when he'd asked if she was a lobster and how she'd gone along with his silliness.

The train ride to his parents' house takes forever and she picks them up at the station with Charlie, which upon seeing him Phil scoops him up and holds him tight. “Charlie, I missed you so much, little guy,” and Charlie's babbling in his ear, “da-da,” over and over.

Phil finally hands over Charlie to Dan after about two minutes of holding his son to his chest and Dan squeezes him just as hard. “Look who it is, Charlie, it's Dan!” Phil tells him.

“Da-n,” Charlie enunciates. It's the first time he's said Dan's name and Dan's face goes from happy to joyful.

“Alright, boys, how about we get home and you can play with your baby there.” Phil's mum suggests and they gather up their travel bags, piling into her car. Phil's holding Charlie the entire time even though she's got the car seat for him. He's not letting his baby go for at least twenty-four hours straight.

Dan's in the back seat and Charlie keeps clambering up Phil's chest and peering around the head-rest at him, waving his arms. “Da-n! Da-n!” He keeps calling happily.

Finally, conceding defeat, Phil twists and carefully passes off his baby to Dan and Charlie settles down happily in his lap. Dan tells Charlie all about the tour as they drive although it's also for Phil's mum to hear.

“You've been getting really good reviews,” she tells them. “I've been looking at reviews online and everybody seems to think you're hilarious.”

“We're having a brilliant time, loads of fun,” Phil tells her honestly. “Though I'm absolutely knackered, I'm going to sleep so well tonight. The hotels are nice but the beds are kind of hard on my back.”

When they get home, Dan carries Charlie into the house while Phil carries both their bags. When they've settled in, Phil's mum offers to make them late lunch, because they didn't feel like paying for something on the train.

They accept, though insist on just sandwiches, nothing fancy, and Dan ends up breaking his vegan diet to eat ham, because she doesn't exactly have a vegan-friendly stock of food.

“You're going to probably have some kind of awful gastric pain,” Phil jokes. “You know, now that you just ate something you haven't eaten in a year.”

“Ugh, don't tell me that. I'm not looking forward to it.” Dan groans.

“I'll be right back, speaking of the bathroom.” Phil says, heading to use the loo. As he's gone, Dan glances at Charlie.

“Are you happy to see us?” he asks, because Charlie's banging on his kitchen chair. He stuffs the last bite of bread and ham in his mouth and lifts Charlie out of the chair.

“Da-n!” Charlie squeals happily. And then a moment later, “Da-da!”

Dan's heart stops for a second. “No, Charlie,” he says carefully. “I'm not your da-da. That's Phil.”

“Da-da,” Charlie insists, reaching up to grab at Dan's fringe.

“Ow! Ow, oh god, ow, okay I'll be your da-da if you stop pulling, christ!” Dan yelps and Charlie giggles. He doesn't mean it, he knows he's not Charlie's father, but jeez, the kid has some strength behind his yanking.

Phil's mum is looking at him with a curious expression on her face. “I don't know, Dan. I mean, he sees you every day, you do everything that Phil does. I'm not surprised he thinks you're also his dad.”

Dan manages to extricate his hair from Charlie's fingers and looks at the baby seriously. “I'm not, though.”

Charlie stares back, matching his expression, a little frown on his face. “Da-n?” He queries.

“Yeah, Dan. Not da-da.” But his heart feels heavy. He looks at Phil's mum. “Maybe I need to do less of that, then.”

“Do you really think Phil would let you? Or that you could?” She asks him, just as serious as he is. “Look at you with him. I mean, even if you're not his dad, you're so invested in him. I've seen it every time I've visited you two.”

Phil returns then and pauses. “Uh-oh, what did I interrupt?” He asks.

“Your son just tried to give me a bald spot and called me da-da.” Dan informs Phil. Charlie grins brightly and plops his hand onto Dan's cheek.

“Da-da!” Then he looks at Phil, reaching his other hand for Phil. “Da-da!”

Phil's expression changes to something that Dan can't define, though if he could, he'd say heartbreak and happiness at the same time.

“Dan's not your da-da, silly guy,” Phil tells him quietly.

“I told him that. Guess we'll just have to make a point to say so if he keeps it up.” Dan answers him. “Anyways – we're only here three days. Did you want to take him and spend time with him?”

“Yeah. Don't you want to join us?” Phil asks.

“Maybe in a bit. I kind of want to get online and see these reviews your mum's mentioned.” Dan answers. In all honesty, right now he needs to not be with Charlie because somehow, he's still sad about the da-da thing.

He's never thought of himself as Charlie's father but clearly Charlie does. Dan's never not loved Charlie since that first week of being around him and has happily done everything he can for him.

But now it's got him thinking, being called “da-da”. Just what is he to Charlie? How is he going to explain this to a girl if he ever meets one? Hell, what happens when one day he meets a girl and moves in with her? Charlie's going to miss him just as much as Phil and he thinks he'll miss Phil and Charlie more than he can imagine.

He's thinking about things that he can't find answers to except an answer of “stay with Charlie and Phil for the rest of your life” and while it's not entirely unappealing, the idea of living with his best friend forever and raising Charlie, it's also pretty non-traditional and he doesn't think anybody else would understand.

Plus, his brain helpfully chooses to remind him, he's now accidentally had a wank while thinking about Phil at the last few seconds and kissed Phil in his sleep. He's not a psychologist but that's probably not exactly something he can just pretend isn't a thing.

But he doesn't want to think about it. Thinking about it is just too difficult. It opens up doorways he can't have right now. Not while they're on tour. Not when he can't get away from Phil if he wanted to.

As he heads for the spare room where he'll be sleeping, he glances at Phil and Charlie.

He wonders to himself just when he started noticing how blue Phil's eyes are, the sort of grey-blue of clouds right before a storm. Or how his smile lights up his entire face.

He knows he didn't do it before. But he doesn't know when it started, but it's just natural to see that and stare for a half-second too long.

This. This is exactly what he can't think about, so he forces himself past where Charlie and Phil are and closes the spare room door behind him and hopes that he can distract himself and not have these thoughts for the rest of the tour.

The rest of the tour passes by in just as much of a blur as the first bit. They're able to stop at Phil's parents' place again after visiting Plymouth, with a briefer visit after Brighton.

Although they're tempted to go after Liverpool, they'll be done in four days and so they spend the three days between Liverpool and London to themselves. Things are good between them again. It seems that a month has been enough time to resolve Dan's issues with Phil and they're back to making stupid jokes and even have fallen back into the habit of their lack of boundaries.

 

Once their tour's over, they pick up Charlie the next day and head home, unpacking a month's load of stuff that they've bought over the course of the tour, as well as all the gifts that they just happened to find Charlie, more books and toys.

On top of that, even though Phil's insisted people not send him money for Charlie in his F.A.Q. video, he didn't say anything about toys and he's got tons of toys from fans, some of them no longer age-appropriate or things that he can enjoy when he's older.

It's ridiculous. He actually thinks they might love his baby more than him and he's going to have to make a video with all the toys that Charlie got from their tour.

He can't believe his baby is eleven months old. That in just under a month, he will have a year old child. He can't believe how much he's grown up in a year. How much Dan's grown up in a year with him.

Really, looking back on the last year, he can't believe pretty much any of what's happened. It seems surreal.

Dan's happy to be home and within an hour has assumed slouch position on the couch. Phil joins him, flopping out and resting his head on Dan's shoulder, Charlie in his lap.

“Dan!” Charlie's able to say Dan's name fluidly now, without the little hitch before the 'n'.

“Yep, that's Dan, already on the internet when he's got two weeks worth of clothes to wash.”

“I'll pay you twenty quid to do it for me,” Dan mutters without looking up.

“So lazy,” Phil teases him. “But I'll do it. For free, even.” Dan looks at him with a genuinely grateful expression.

“Thank you. I'll give Charlie a bath later or something to even the score.”

“Oh yeah, I still have a voucher for one! That'd be great!” Phil exclaims. He stretches out. “But I'll do laundry in a bit. Too tired and comfortable now.”

Dan ruffles Phil's hair. “Don't get too comfortable, Philly. If you fall asleep, you are not using me as a pillow.”

“What I have told you about calling me Philly?” Phil mutters, closing his eyes anyways.

“That you absolutely adore it.” Dan says cheerily. “And wish I'd do it every day.”

Phil lifts his hand and swats in Dan's general direction, hitting what feels like his ear.

“Ow, that hurt, you cun-ning devil!”

Phil starts laughing because it's been pretty funny to notice Dan actually filtering himself around Charlie so he doesn't swear. “Smooth save there,” he says.

“Thanks.”

“Tanks,” Charlie repeats Dan. Then. “Da-da.” Phil opens his eyes and looks at his son.

“Was that one directed at me or you, do you know, so we can correct him if it was you?”

Dan shakes his head. “Dunno. I wasn't looking at him when he said it, so I don't know which one of us he was looking at.”

“Well, we'll just assume it was me.” Phil says. “Alright. Keep an eye on Charlie? I'll start getting dinner ready for us.”

He decides on making them pasta, reminding himself to cut Charlie's into bite-size pieces after he cooks it, and for Charlie, some applesauce to go with it, making himself and Dan some chicken that he thaws out in the microwave quickly. (Dan admitted after the ham sandwich that he's probably introducing meat back into his life as he's missed it a fair amount and the ham kind of well, hammered it home, and Phil figures that chicken will be a bit easier on Dan's digestive system than red meat.)

While he's cooking, he starts a load of clothes in the washing machine and hears Dan call, “Thanks!” from the other room.

It's good to be home, Phil reflects. He's missed it. Now he's just got to start planning Charlie's one-year birthday party. He'll give himself a few days to relax, though. It's been a long month.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooohhh boy. Okay guys. Let's just all remember I have promised the ultimate of happy endings, alright? And, uh, this is probably the most angsty chapter you're going to get. There'll be a bit more angst after this in the next chapter but like, this is the 10/10 angst chapter and it's just - it hurt me to write so I really don't want to know how it's going to affect y'all. I really want to give you all hugs in advance for reading this.

Charlie's birthday party isn't going to be too big. Of course, his parents, and Dan's invited his parents because they've expressed interest in actually meeting Charlie, which they've not yet done. Chris and PJ, Louise, and he's not really sure who else he should invite because honestly, he hasn't really had too much interactions with other people and Charlie. He's wanted to keep Charlie to himself, in a way.

He's wanted to keep his Youtube life separate from Charlie's. So for now, that's who he picks to invite to his baby's first birthday party. Eventually Dan convinces him to invite two more people that Phil's fallen out of contact with, Christina and Michelle, if only because Louise can't be the only girl at this party.

Phil's not quite sure how to feel about Michelle, given that she's the girl that he occasionally was sleeping with before Charlie came along, but he gives it a go and is slightly surprised when she agrees.

Dan didn't know this about Michelle, though. Phil never let Dan know who he was sleeping with, so he can't fault Dan for suggesting inviting her.

Neither of them are sure just how much Charlie's going to appreciate his first birthday party so they don't make it extravagant. However, all the websites that Phil's checked have said not to start watching television with your baby before they turn one and so Phil's excited because they've got several movies that they've bought Charlie in the past that they've eagerly been waiting to watch with him.

Dan's bought Charlie a CD of children's songs that Phil already knows he's going to get sick of within a day but Charlie seems to love music so he'll put up with it for his son's sake. They've both limited themselves to two gifts for Charlie this time, not wanting a repeat of Christmas. His other gift is some Legos, which are far smaller than the current building blocks that Charlie has.

In order to focus on Charlie's creativity, Phil's bought Charlie his first paint set, along with huge pieces of paper (hopefully, this will save their floor), plus some crayons. He doesn't know if that counts as one gift or two, so just in case and also because he likes spoiling his baby, he's gotten Charlie new swim trunks as they haven't been to the pool in ages and he kind of misses taking Charlie there.

Since the party is only going to be from one until four, they decide against serving alcohol and instead just buy a bunch of little snack foods to make, frozen things that even they can't screw up.

Phil's parents arrive early, around twelve, and Dan's parents get there not long after, and Phil hugs his mum and lets her hold her grandbaby as she talks with Dan's parents, who, while less affectionate, find Charlie to be charming and well-behaved.

Dan and Phil stare a little nervously because it is the first time that Dan's parents have met Charlie and they've got no real emotional connection to him except the knowledge that Dan's been helping raise this baby and Dan mutters he's nervous that his parents are going to tell him he needs to stop being such a big part of Charlie's life and Phil's nervous that Dan's parents are going to tell him the exact same thing, except aimed at Phil in frustration, so they stand there side by side until it becomes relatively clear that that's not in fact going to happen.

When Louise gets there, Phil envelops her in a warm hug and then Dan swoops in as soon as Phil lets go. They're both relieved to have someone their age that they can talk to without feeling a little awkward or judged and she laughs faintly at them.

Dan confesses as much to her and she rolls her eyes. “You feel awkward talking to your parents?” She teases.

Dan shrugs. “Well, they're over there talking about adult things. Like the economy. And politics.”

Louise laughs even harder. “You're adults. You should talk about those things.” Phil and Dan exchange a glance with each other. “Let me guess, you'd rather talk about Charlie and video games and movies.”

Dan's the only one who manages to successfully look guilty between himself and Phil. “Plus I don't know what my parents think of my involvement with Charlie and I'm afraid to find out,” Dan whispers.

Louise gets a knowing smile on her face and ambles over towards where Dan's mum and father are and introduces herself with a charming smile, then after a few moments of conversation, asks something that makes Dan's mum glance his way.

“Oh god, she's actually asking, isn't she?” Dan moans, turning his face to press into Phil's shoulder. “I'm going to murder her.”

“Well, at least she seems to be doing it with relative grace?” Phil offers as comfort. Their buzzer rings and Dan disappears to answer it, almost frantically, and when Louise returns a minute later, she's got a smile on her face.

“Tell Dan, whenever he comes back from his mad attempt at hiding, that his mum thinks he's a lovely person for helping out and his father wanted me to tell you, Phil, that Charlie is almost as happy a baby as Dan was.” She heads into the kitchen at this point to have a snack and Phil gets up the courage to walk over and take Charlie back from his mum, kissing Charlie on the forehead.

Phil's mum blows a kiss at Charlie, who puts his hand to his mouth and makes a smacking sound and waves it in her vicinity. “Such a smart boy,” his mum coos.

Phil feels a swell of pride at Charlie as he takes him back to meet Dan, who's coming up the stairs with Chris. “Louise said everything's fine. Your mum says you're lovely for helping out and your dad said you've got competition for smiley-baby-award,” and then Charlie squirms as he sees Dan and reaches for him with “da-da!”

Phil feels that strange twist in his gut of confusion and warmth and from the look on Dan's face, it's identical for Dan, and Chris blinks a couple times.

“So that joke I made on 'I Can't Even' about your 2022 wedding, should I be actually planning on figuring out how to morph myself and PJ?” Chris jokes, though he looks a bit nervous.

“No!” Dan answers, stronger than Phil would have expected. “It's a mistake and we've been trying to get him to stop but obviously it hasn't worked yet.”

Chris and Phil are both taken aback by Dan's emphasis on his words and Phil's silent, also heading into the kitchen to meet Louise. He mutters, quietly, “You know, when we first started raising Charlie, Dan was okay whenever we got accidentally mistaken for a couple but in the last few months, he's gotten really sensitive to the idea.”

Louise gives him a look. “Well, maybe because more and more people are starting to think you two actually _are_ in a relationship at this point.” 

“We're not!” Phil protests. “I mean, there's nothing wrong with if people get the wrong idea, but once we correct them, it should be okay, but now Dan's not just getting upset over the initial confusion, it's like...” he pauses. “Back for the Valentine's Day party for the BBC, our sitter was very obviously gay, and Dan muttered something not quite derogatory but just edging the line as we left.” 

Louise shakes her head. “I don't know what to tell you, Phil. Dan's always been sensitive about the topic. You remember back in, what, 2012? 2013? When he was sassing all the fans you had when they'd ask about things like that? Maybe you need to have a talk with him that he's getting a bit edgy again and needs to knock it off.”

“Yeah, but I mean, what's the incentive?” Phil asks. 

“It's obvious enough. Tell him you won't let him help raise Charlie; you don't want Charlie growing up thinking being gay is bad.” Louise shrugs. Phil concedes there. 

“Yeah, alright. After the party, if things don't improve in the next couple of weeks, I'll talk to him about it.” Phil says. 

PJ gets there not long after, and then at about one-fifteen, Christina. Michelle's the last to arrive at quarter to two, apologising for not having known if she should bring a gift or not and deciding on it at the last minute. 

Phil smiles at her a bit awkwardly. Back when they were sleeping together, he found her supremely attractive, light-brown hair just past her shoulders, pretty hazel eyes, slender and a fan of shorts with leggings and tank tops, but now, he knows it has to be weird for her because he has a baby and as he looks at her, he doesn't feel the heat in his stomach that he usually feels. 

Whatever it is that they had, it's over now for sure. He doesn't want to pull her into another room and kiss her, slide his hands up her body and feel her curves. She looks just as uncomfortable, handing him a gift that's done in silver wrapping. “For Charlie,” she adds, as if it weren't a bit obvious. 

Dan puts on some music, quiet enough that it doesn't cover the conversation, but something to just keep background noise on, and they mill around for a while, talking to friends. 

Phil notices that Christina is flirting with Dan a bit, picking up on the way she leans against the wall and cocks her hips just slightly, smiling and biting her lip, and twice she even reaches out to touch Dan's arm, and he's frankly stunned that Dan isn't picking up on it because Dan never reacts with more than a friendly smile and laugh. She's not being blatant, but she's not exactly being coy either. 

They open the gifts at a little after three, where Charlie's gotten movies and books and a few toys – Christina did better than Michelle did on age-appropriate gift-giving, as Michelle has given Charlie a gift probably more intended for someone half his age. But it's the thought that count, Phil reminds himself, and he makes Charlie give a thumbs up as he holds Charlie in his lap, gently pushing up Charlie's thumb with his own while curling the rest of his son's fingers under his own. 

Dan laughs at that and makes Phil hold Charlie in that pose while he takes a picture and tweets it, Phil surrounded by wrapping paper, holding his baby, and when Phil lets go, Charlie immediately pulls out of his lap to busy himself with crunching up the wrapping paper and throwing it. 

“Ah yes, how could we forget the winning gift?” Phil's mum asks. “He's going to completely ignore everything else until you clean that up.” 

“Remind us never to clean it up, then, if it keeps him out of our hair,” Dan jokes. His father laughs at that and so does Christina, eyeing Dan shyly. 

Phil watches Dan and Dan seems not to notice Christina again and he probably shouldn't be happy for whatever reason. He doesn't feel guilty at all that Michelle and him have ended whatever they had between them and somehow he's glad that Dan's not going to start up something with Christina. 

 

As the party is dying down and Charlie's becoming the last-minute centre of attention, being passed from person to person, Phil risks letting his son be alone and going to the kitchen to get more snacks. 

Dan joins him a minute later. “This is the most people we've had over in more than a year. It feels so crowded, I needed some space to breathe,” Dan tells him. 

“Yeah, I figured while everybody's busy fawning over our baby, I'd get some snacks,” Phil says. He doesn't even catch the slip even as Dan lifts an eyebrow and then smiles a little at him. 

Phil doesn't know why, smiling back automatically though, because it's Dan, and it's hard not to smile when Dan's smiling at him; it's his best friend who almost never fails to make him happy. 

“You didn't even realise, did you?” Dan asks, laughing now, and he looks at Phil with an expression is almost tender, gentle, ruffling up Phil's fringe into a mess and then he steps forward, hooking his fingers carefully into Phil's belt loops, tugging him close, chest to chest, resting his chin on Phil's shoulder, and it's like a hug without arms.

“Your baby, you silly man. You said our baby. I didn't knock up a girl.” Dan tells him quietly, and Phil chuckles too. He wonders why Dan sounds almost regretful with those words. “Your baby.” 

There's a slight cough and they break apart from their intimate, armless hug to see Christina. 

“I, ah, was going to head out.” She eyes Dan and there's no longer flirtatious interest in her eyes, more disappointment. “Um. I'll see you around, Phil. Thanks for inviting me. It was nice.” 

She gives Phil a quick hug and Dan a pat on the arm and gathers her purse and leaves. Phil lets out a tiny groan. “I may have accidentally just cock-blocked you,” he whispers to Dan. 

Dan glances at him. “How's that now?” 

“You didn't notice she was flirting with you all day?” Phil asks, surprised. Dan shrugs. 

“I was busy making sure Charlie was okay, that nobody was dropping him.” Dan says. Phil gives him a dry look. 

“You failed to notice a girl flirting with you because you were looking after our, I mean, my baby.” Phil tells him, slipping up again with the 'our' thing and Dan laughs sheepishly. 

“Well, I just wanted him to be okay.” Dan pauses and shrugs. “She probably got the wrong idea anyways when she came in and saw us like that.” 

“Yeah.” Phil waits to see if Dan's going to make some remark like he seems to have been whenever someone implied they were in a relationship but Dan shrugs. 

“No skin off my nose. I'll probably never spend time with her without you around anyways, so it's not like it'll be awkward the next time I see her.” Dan says, plucking a piece of bacon wrapped around a hot dog. “Oh, meat, how I've missed you.” 

Phil laughs as Dan stuffs about four in his mouth at once. “Wait, let me call her back over so she can see you with your cheeks bulging like that. So attractive.” 

“I-D-G-A-F,” Dan enunciates around the mouthful of food. “Anyways, since she's gone, clearly it only matters if you find me attractive.” 

Phil swallows the bite of food he's eating. “You're ravishing, Dan,” he tells him dryly. “You resemble a chipmunk.” 

Though he can't deny the twinkle in Dan's eyes has him staring just a moment too long at them, warm and brown, and the fact that Dan actually winks at him, swallows his huge mouthful of food, and gives him a cocky half-grin makes Phil flush just slightly. 

Phil decides he's had enough time to himself and goes to gather up all the gifts, leaving Charlie with his sheet of wrapping paper that he's still playing with, ripping into tiny shreds that are going to take forever to clean up, and as he's doing so, Michelle comes over, saying she's leaving as well. 

Phil gives her a kiss on the cheek, curious as to whether or not he'll feel anything, and he doesn't, and their goodbye is just as awkward as the one with Christina. “Good lord,” he mutters to himself. “How are we getting worse with women as we get older?” 

Chris and PJ leave together, talking about something that has PJ laughing at Chris, and Chris stops long enough to give Phil a hug, telling Phil to give Dan one for him. 

Dan's parents are busy hugging Dan goodbye while Phil's talking with his mum and dad and so they just call goodbye to Phil as they leave, who waves at them with a smile. 

Phil's mum gives both Dan and Phil hugs and kisses goodbye and actually thanks Dan for helping take care of both her son and grandson over the last year, where Dan blushes and laughs a little shyly and Phil can't help but love his mum right then because she is genuinely possibly the sweetest person alive. 

When everybody's left, Phil and Dan sit down to show off Charlie his new gifts again. Dan surprises Phil – he bought Charlie a little piece of cake and had hidden it in the fridge under a piece of aluminium foil. 

“Charlie, look!” Phil says. Charlie's sitting between his legs. Dan comes over with the cake, setting it down on the table. “Wanna play patty cake before you get your cake?” 

Dan instantly arranges himself in front of Phil and Phil guides Charlie through the motions, Dan's big fingers overwhelming Charlie's tiny ones. “Patty cake, patty cake, baker's man, make me a cake as fast as you can. Roll it and cook it and mark it with a C,” and Dan gets a look of inspiration on his face and gets up, hurrying out of the room as Phil finishes up with, “and put it in the tummy of baby and me,” even as Dan yells, “No, don't let him eat it yet!”

He returns with green icing and makes a messy “C” on the top of the slice of cake. “There, now he can eat it.” 

Phil snorts at Dan. “It was imperative that you drew the 'C'?” He asks as he lets Charlie reach for the cake, proceeding to grab a handful and destroy the C instantly. “Look how much he appreciated it.” 

“He knows deep down,” Dan tells Phil seriously. “Deep down, Charlie loves me more than you now because I put his initial on his cake.” 

“That's exactly the turning point, despite my many feedings and diaper changings and cuddles.” Phil agrees with him sarcastically. Dan grins cheekily at him again and winks, pulling Charlie over to him and wiping at his mouth with a napkin that he's brought. 

“Messy eater.” Dan says affectionately. “With your little chubby tummy,” and he lifts up Charlie's shirt to blow a kiss on his stomach. Charlie giggles. 

“Da,” he says happily. 

Dan stops his action and lifts his head. “No, Charlie. Not your da. That's Phil, remember?” He looks sad now, a little frustrated, and Phil bites his lip. It's going to take a long time for them to get Charlie to understand this, he has a feeling. 

“Here, how about you finish feeding him and I'll put away all his toys?” Dan suggests. 

Phil nods. His brain is suddenly full of thoughts. He feeds Charlie without paying much attention. He's too busy thinking about the fact that Charlie calls both him and Dan 'da-da', that he's accidentally slipped up and called Charlie 'their' baby, the fact that Dan looks sad whenever he has to comment on it. 

Phil doesn't know why he somehow wishes that it was their baby, that after all this time, it just seems easier if it were their baby. This shouldn't be happening. He should be meeting a nice girl and Dan should be meeting a girl of his own, and this shouldn't be happening.

 

A couple of weeks later, Phil resolves to maybe change the situation. He gets out the last voucher for the massage and goes to Dan's room. “Hey, Dan,” he asks casually. “You mentioned you had a girl you were going to introduce me to for that massage voucher? Could I get her number?” 

“What? Oh, uh, yeah,” Dan answers and he stops whatever he's doing on his computer to scroll through his phone. “Yeah, um. Her name's Ella. Here,” and he recites her number, letting Phil tap it into his phone. 

“Thanks,” Phil tells him. “Could you watch Charlie if I took her out one night?” 

“... Yeah,” Dan says. “I could do that.” So Phil calls up Ella and introduces himself as a friend of Dan's and mentions the massage voucher thing, to which she laughs and says that she was wondering if he'd ever call as Dan had asked her about it ages ago – Phil doesn't explain that he took Dan up on it the first time – and instead asks if maybe she'd like to have dinner and then he'll take her up on the massage and he'll pay for dinner so it's not like he's just using her kindness for the massage. 

“Yeah, that'd be nice.” She agrees. “I've seen a few of your videos, you seem like a nice fellow.” 

They set up a time for two days from now, agreeing that they'll meet at an Italian restaurant not far from where she lives so they don't have to walk too much back to her place for the massage, and Phil lets Dan know. 

When he meets her, she's charming and almost exactly the opposite of Dan, polite and delicate, barely coming up to his chin, with long blonde hair all the way down her back and big blue eyes, and she's wearing a pretty black and pink flowered skirt and matching pink top. 

Phil's instantly attracted to her and he tries to keep it from being too obvious but as the night begins, he's pretty sure that she's flirting with him. So he flirts back, cautiously, and when she responds, he settles a little. 

Dinner is delicious and when they get back to her place, she has him stretch out on her bed and kneels next to him and works magic with her fingers, taking the little paper voucher that Phil brought with him with a chuckle. “My payment,” she giggles and Phil laughs too. 

“I can tip you if you'd really like.” He says. She hesitates for only a second before answering him. 

“I think I've got an idea how you can tip me,” and her voice is soft and breathy and Phil knows for sure then that she's interested. So he relaxes under her touch and once she's finished, he rolls onto his side and suggests she stretch out and they just talk. 

Small-talk leads to coy glances and eventually Phil leans in and kisses her softly and she inhales slightly, kisses back and rolls him onto his back and slides on top, covering him with her weight, cradling her slender arms under his head and against his side. 

Clothes are discarded and she fishes a condom out of her bedside table and rolls it on him and Phil stifles a groan when she sinks down on him, warm and slick and absolutely heavenly after more than a year without this. 

He holds her waist and lets her take control, closing his eyes and losing himself in the sensation and afterwards, she asks if she can see him again. Phil teases her gently by saying he'd definitely like another massage from her and they leave it at that, a not-quite yes. 

Because even though he's just shagged a gorgeous girl, somehow he doesn't know if he should be seeing her again. He's got a baby and she's obviously not looking to raise a baby from the small talk they made and something just doesn't sit right. 

He was thinking about getting laid is really what this is about and he's acted on it and now that it's over, while it was nice, he doesn't know if he wants to see her as anything more than just the same situation he had with Michelle. 

So he's honest with her about that because she deserves that much and she nods and smiles and tells him that while she appreciates the honesty, she's not that kind of girl – she's looking for someone to date, and Phil reminds her that he has a baby, to which she nods and agrees maybe they were both a bit hasty. 

But she kisses his cheek and tells him he was definitely fun to spend time with and she hopes he and his baby have a good life and if Dan ever does give him another massage voucher, she has no problem with being his masseuse.

Phil leaves around midnight, head no clearer than before. If anything, he's more conflicted because here's more proof that he doesn't know how to date someone anymore, not with Charlie in his life. 

 

Dan's not sure he's thrilled he gave Phil the number for Ella. He'd done it back before he'd gotten too involved in Charlie's life and while he has no problem spending time with Charlie and they've watched a movie together – Dan's decided to convert Charlie into loving Winnie the Pooh just as much as he does so he's bought him  _The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh_ and they've watched it that night. 

Charlie's been wonderful. He's eaten a healthy dinner and not made a fuss during his bath for once and after the film, he'd gone down to sleep without crying. Dan had sung him a little lullaby and stroked his fingers over Charlie's arms and legs and Charlie had drifted off to that.

So now Dan's left alone, browsing Tumblr, trying to keep his mind off Phil. Trying to keep his mind off why he's confused and bitter that Phil's out with Ella getting a massage and taking her out on a date, technically. 

After all, he did suggest Phil go out with her. He was the one telling Phil he should go meet someone and go on a date. So why is he so angry right now, where nothing on Tumblr is making him happy. 

He's already decided it's a terrible idea to go on his tag, as half of the things are Phan-related and that just sends more anger through him, because it's not true and now they're drawing Charlie into the pictures when Phil's asked them not to do that and people are no longer trying to stop it. 

He tweets out,  _bored and alone what should i do_ and gets a bunch of responses, some of which are  _where's Phil I bet he could give you something to do_ or a few comments on his right hand (and one astute retweet to one of those people with,  _no, remember, he's left-handed_ , which actually does make Dan snort a little laugh there. Because, clearly, if people are going to encourage him to jerk off, it should be with the correct hand.)

Eventually he gets a good suggestion for an anime that he hasn't seen and so he finds it online and starts watching an episode of that. He tries to keep this thoughts off Phil and the fact that Phil should be home with him and their baby – oh for fucks sake, with Phil's baby. Not their baby. 

Now both of them are messing that up and Dan chooses to blame Phil for screwing it up in the first place at Charlie's birthday party. He's grouchy and turns off the anime and ends up slouched over on the couch, trying to distract himself with his phone. 

When he hears the door click open and Phil comes into the room, Dan glances up and  _knows_ that Phil's gotten laid. His hair is mussed and his clothes rumpled and when Phil crashes on the couch next to him, exhausted, peering at Dan's phone, Dan can smell flowery perfume on Phil's skin. 

There's a hiss in his head reminding him that Ella and Phil were together, that she touched Phil and his hands were probably all over her and he can't get this gnawing reminder out of his head or the unsettled feeling that seems to have climbed into his skin and settled just under it, making him want to curl up tighter and hide his phone from Phil, to shut out Phil right then. 

Instead he just briefs Phil on what happened with Charlie and then gets up and goes straight to bed, flopping face-first and letting out a muffled shout, twisting the sheets up in his fist. “Fuck,” he growls. “What the fuck, why the fuck does this bother me so much?”

He kicks out his feet in frustration, almost like a petulant child, and squeezes his eyes shut, and he barely sleeps that night, ignoring when Charlie wakes up and he can hear the soft cries, Charlie calling out, “ba-ba,” hungry. 

It's Phil's baby. It's Phil's responsibility. Dan has no ownership to Charlie and he did his part taking care of Charlie tonight so now Phil can do it. 

In fact, it's so much Phil's responsibility and Dan's got no need to be there if he doesn't want to that two days later, he goes out. He already knows it's a terrible idea because he doesn't like nightclubs but he doesn't want to be at home with Phil, he just wants to get out of his thoughts for a while, and a needlessly loud nightclub seems like just the right place, go out and pull a girl and get laid too, since it's been a while and clearly Phil's doing it so Dan can do it too. 

And while he certainly is awkward and plays it up on camera, he's not a total dolt when it comes to girls and so he finds a girl that reminds him nothing of Phil, who throws down shots of tequila to match him and he compliments her on her eyes and outfit and she pulls him in close to dance, grinding against him. 

He makes no move to hide when he hardens in his jeans and she keeps his hips locked against hers as they sway to the music, his hands coming to rest under her already too-short top where he can find out that she's not wearing a bra. 

When she shouts, “D'you wanna come back to my place?” he just nods and lets her lead him, her slim fingers between his, damp from the heat of the club, and she's kissing him in the cab, she's got his shirt unbuttoned before they're halfway to her room, and his hands are on her small, pert breasts, playing under the fabric of her top. 

He ignores his phone buzzing in his jeans pocket as he kicks them to the floor and settles into bed with her and mouths his way down her stomach and back up, finding patches of soft, warm skin and nipping lightly, making her giggle. 

He ignores the buzzing of his phone again, ten minutes later, when he's finally sinking inside her, balancing on his elbow and kissing her mouth, tasting the tequila still.

He ignores the feeling that seems to crawl up his spine as he rolls his hips into her and she gasps and wraps her legs around him that this isn't where he wants to be. He just ignores everything in favour of losing himself in her touch and sounds. 

Dan opts to spend the night, mainly because she falls asleep afterwards as they're lying there in bed, naked, and she's got one arm curled over his stomach and he doesn't want to be the dickhead who just leaves, so he sleeps awkwardly in a bed that isn't his, with someone who he almost regrets picking up, and when they wake up, she offers him pancakes for breakfast, which he turns down, gathering his clothes and taking the Tube home. 

He enters the flat quietly, because it's only seven-thirty in the morning and Phil's not up yet, so Dan sits in the kitchen and eats cereal and plays on his phone. 

When he hears Phil come into the kitchen about an hour later, Dan turns and is actually taken aback by Phil's furious glare. 

“Where were you?” Phil asks. “I called you three times.” He sounds angry and Dan's really not in the mood for this already.

“Sorry, I was at a club. I couldn't hear it,” Dan lies. “Why, what's the big deal? You didn't leave me any texts so it obviously wasn't some emergency.” 

“You went out to a club?” Phil asks scathingly. “You hate clubs.” 

“Yeah, well, I was in the mood to meet someone. So I went out and had a good time.” Dan shoots back. If Phil's going to be nasty, he can be just as nasty in return. “That's what you did the other night, didn't you? I didn't know I wasn't allowed to have fun.”

“Charlie was crying and I couldn't get him to stop.” Phil tells Dan flatly. 

“And what could I have done while I was out that you were calling me about?” Dan asks sarcastically. 

“You should have been here! You always know how to make him stop crying with that tummy thing you do. If you'd been here, you could have gotten Charlie to stop crying!” Phil half-shouts. 

“Well, I wasn't, and Charlie's not my baby, he's yours, and sometimes you just have to deal with a crying baby, Phil!” Dan retorts. 

“I thought we were in this together,” Phil tells him furiously. “You were helping me raise Charlie.”

“Oh, come on, Phil. Of course we're in this together, but what, I'm not allowed to go out? You're allowed to go out and meet some girl for a massage and have sex but if I choose to go out and have a bit of fun, somehow I'm abandoning you?” Dan snorts, pushing past Phil as he gets up and shoving his empty bowl in the dishwasher, closing it harder than he needs to. 

“Charlie didn't need me that night. He needed you last night!” Phil argues back. 

“Charlie didn't need me, Phil. Charlie was crying and _you_ needed me because I know how to make him stop, but sometimes you're going to have to just fix what's wrong yourself because I'm not going to be around.” Dan replies, leaning against the wall, arms crossed, glaring right back at Phil.

“Of course you're not going to be around forever, we're not together, but Charlie needed you last night and you weren't here!” Phil's being irrational now and they both know it. The argument's lost any real point and it's just the two of them venting and taking out their frustration on each other. 

“Yeah, well, maybe Charlie could have needed you while _you_ were out but I didn't call you three times like some desperate housewife,” Dan spits back. “Maybe he could have needed you but I would have let you have your fun, since you seemed to have quite a good time with Ella.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “Yeah, and the girl you met last night. What was her name?” 

“Kathryn,” Dan lies. He honestly didn't even think to ask her name and it never came up and he doesn't fucking do one-night stands, he hates them, he likes relationships, and he hated it last night, but he wanted to try and get his head clear and all it's done is make things worse. “Not that it matters, I'm not going to see her again.”

“Probably a good thing, since you're so unreliable,” Phil tells him bitterly. Dan doesn't even bother fucking replying to that, simply flipping Phil off and walking to his room and closing the door, locking it. 

They don't talk for the rest of the day. In fact, aside from using the bathroom, Dan makes a point to not talk to Phil or even see him. He actually ignores his hunger for something to eat until he hears Phil in his own bedroom with Charlie and finally goes to make something to eat.

When he accidentally bumps into Phil on the way back to his room, he averts his gaze and doesn't say a word and Phil seems to be fine with that, doing the exact same thing. 

Somehow, all that's happened is they've gone and screwed themselves up even worse but hell if Dan's going to apologise for something that isn't his fault. So no, he's going to just let Phil stew in his own stupid displeasure over Dan and wait until Phil stops being an idiot. Even if it takes him a fucking month.  



	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I want to promise you all something right now. I can hear you literally screaming at me in frustration and just know I am sat writing the next chapter without a pause between it and this one so that you do not have to wait too long because while cliffhangers may be fun for the author's soul, it is never fun on the reader and I love you all too much on this journey of this fic that you've come along with me on and I have four days off work so hopefully I should be able to get the next chapter out quickly and /remember/ I have promised the most happiest of endings, I swear. (if these notes don't warn you to brace your precious little hearts i don't know what will i love you all)

After the fight, neither of them talk to each other for days. It's torture for Phil because he's never not talked to Dan this long ever. After all, they've actually told each other on camera, only half-joking, that not talking for ten hours feels like too long.

There's cursory moments where on occasion, Phil will mutter, “Good morning,” reluctantly, even as he aches to talk to Dan, because he's stubborn and he feels abandoned by Dan, or “Good night,” as he crosses the lounge and Dan mutters it right back, sounding just as pissy as Phil.

It's passive-aggressive and Charlie can pick up on it, that the two people who spend so much of their time raising him together, are not talking. He cries too easily over those few days and clings to Phil when Phil goes to put him down.

Dan may not be talking to Phil but he's still interacting with Charlie, albeit less because he's still refusing to be in the same room as Phil if he doesn't have to and since Charlie spends most of his time with Phil, Dan's only seeing him while Phil showers or takes a nap or on one occasion, when Dan comes into Phil's room without a word to Phil and plucks Charlie out of his crib.

When Phil gets up about an hour later, Dan says to Phil, “Charlie's nappy is damp, you might want to change it. I'd do it, but I'm unreliable so I might just forget and leave him to get diaper rash.” Which pisses Phil off because clearly Dan could do it and Dan has never not been willing to do it but he's throwing Phil's words in his face.

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” Phil tells him flatly, scooping up his son. “That's right, Charlie. Don't worry. _I'll_ always be there for you.”

He changes Charlie and he misses Dan. He takes a shower and lies down in his bed and misses Dan. Even though it's been over two months since Dan slept in Phil's bed, even though Phil's washed the sheets three times, Phil swears he can still smell Dan in his bed.

But he's too inexplicably furious to offer an olive branch. So three days turns into four and Dan asks, ever so innocently, if Phil trusts him enough to go do a bit of shopping, and it immediately sends Phil to where he wants to just shout at Dan and instead, finds himself digging in at Dan again.

“Yeah, don't forget diapers like you've done in the past. Wouldn't be good for Charlie, would it?”

Dan scoffs and as he leaves, Phil can hear him muttering, “One bloody fucking time,” and Phil really shouldn't have done that because it's true, Dan has only ever forgotten diapers once.

When Dan comes back, he's got two packages of diapers, plus all the shopping that was on the list, and he plunks it down and puts it away wordlessly, pointedly ignoring Phil and going back to his bedroom.

Dan spends no time at all with Charlie that day and Phil holds Charlie as Charlie cries that night as he goes to put him to bed, crying “da-da”, and Phil wonders just which “da-da” Charlie's talking about.

Four days turns into five and this is probably the longest Charlie's ever gone without Dan and Phil doesn't want this to become a thing. But when Dan isn't even there that day, when Phil goes to open Dan's room and ask if he wants to have Charlie for a bit, he finds it empty.

He instantly goes to text Dan but then remembers that they're mad at each other and not talking. So instead he just reads to Charlie. Dan owns _The Complete Tales of Winnie The Pooh_ and Phil pulls it off the bookshelf, sitting with Charlie and reading it to him quietly.

Later on, Dan gets back from wherever he was. Phil doesn't ask and Dan doesn't tell him. Phil wants to tell him that he read Charlie some Winnie the Pooh stories.

Instead, Phil tells him, “Thanks for being around if Charlie needed you.” Dan just gives him the most silently-seething side-eye, shaking his head slightly and storming off into his bedroom without a word.

After seven days, Phil can count the number of words they've spoken to each other. It's definitively less than fifty. It makes him disgusted but more than that, it makes him incredibly angry. Angry that Dan's let it go on as long as this. Because Phil knows he could apologise but Dan could apologise too.

He's half-venting to Charlie, louder than he has to, almost wanting Dan to hear, as he says, “Yeah, Charlie, I know you're lonely. Dan hasn't been around to take care of you, has he? Well, don't worry, I'm here now-” and he's interrupted by the loud thump of Dan's door and then the equally loud thump of his own door being pushed open.

Dan grabs Phil by the wrist, fingers tight enough that it almost hurts, and he forcibly drags Phil into the hall, yanking the door shut behind them. He crowds Phil up into the wall and even though he might only have an inch on Phil, he makes good use of it, glowering and seeming even taller than normal.

“How fucking dare you,” Dan hisses at him. “How dare you think I won't always be there for Charlie. You're the one who decided to imply I don't have the capability to care for your son and you're the one who has no problem isolating him from me.” He stares at Phil and Phil has never seen such anger written across Dan's features.

Phil sighs and glances away, where he can hear Charlie crying through the door, startled by Dan's intrusion, and Dan's the one to turn away instantly, leaving Phil and going into Phil's bedroom and within a minute, Charlie's cries have quieted and Phil can just barely hear Dan talking softly to Charlie, sounding heartbroken, sounding like he's come home after years without seeing Charlie.

Phil stays where he is, pressed up against the wall, and he slumps slightly. When Dan returns another minute later, he gives Phil a look. “See? Charlie needed someone and I was there for him just like you were. So what gives you any right to think I won't always be there?” Still angry, still nailing Phil with his steely gaze.

Phil shakes his head. “I know you will. I was frustrated when I said it.” He's hoping maybe Dan will accept that but Dan doesn't.

“You got frustrated and you chose to imply that somehow I'm not worthy of your son. No, Phil. When someone gets frustrated, they vent about it on Twitter or call a friend. They eat an entire pizza by themselves. They don't spend a week punishing someone, so just how come you did it?” Dan's not diminishing in anger since he dragged Phil into the hallway, just speaking in lower tones to keep Charlie from hearing and crying again.

Phil can't explain. He can't explain what he's feeling, what he's been feeling the last couple of months, what he's been feeling since Charlie first arrived and everything changed, not just in his life because of Charlie but between him and Dan, because Charlie kick-started it but things have changed and there's no going back and he can't explain it and he doesn't know how to explain it. He doesn't have words for it yet.

So he just shoves his hands through his hair and and then pushes them to his side in the air, saying, “Forget it, just forget it,” which is not good enough in any way and he knows it.

“Forget it,” he hears Dan scoff, voice barely audible. “Yeah. Just forget implying one of the most hurtful things imaginable for me.”

Dan doesn't slam his door, but he shuts it with enough force that it's a clear sign to Phil that it is definitely not forgotten or forgiven.

Two hours later and Phil can't do this anymore. He's got to be the bigger person – it's his own fault to begin with and he's just been making it worse. So he goes round to the shop and buys the biggest bag of Maltesers that he can find and knocks on Dan's door.

He enters without expecting a “come in” and he doesn't get one. Instead he just places the bag of Maltesers onto the table next to Dan. Dan ignores him and Phil stands there without speaking.

One minute turns into five minutes and that turns into ten, Phil keeps count on the clock on Dan's computer, and he's not leaving and Dan's ignoring him pointedly, until finally just after twelve minutes, he whispers, “Please just have a Malteser.”

Dan silently rips the bag and pours a couple into his palm, popping one into his mouth. As he chews and swallows, Phil tries to think of something to say and all he can think of is a terrible, terrible joke.

“How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?” He offers.

Dan gives him a look that is completely unamused, even as he puts another Malteser in his mouth.

“Tentacles – ten tickles, get it?” Phil finishes, because he has to finish it, even with Dan giving him the death-glare and Dan almost chokes a second later, snorting and coughing.

“Oh for fucks sake, Phil, that is the worst joke I have ever heard,” Dan tells him except Phil sees Dan fight a smile, he sees it just brush to the surface and Dan pushes it away.

Phil sits on Dan's bed. “I'm sorry,” he says, very simply. “I'm sorry that I said what I said and that I let this go on for so long. I'm really sorry and I miss my best friend and Charlie misses you and I don't want things to be like this anymore. I was wrong to say what I said. It's not true and we both know it.”

Dan spins his chair around to face Phil. He stares for a long time, sizing up Phil, and Phil feels about ten centimetres tall at that moment.

Finally Dan speaks. “If it was _anybody_ else but you, Phil. I don't give a flying fuck who, anybody but you, I would never have spoken to them again. I don't care what they'd done to try and fix it. You had no right to tell me what you told me and treat me how you've treated me.” His voice is low and just a hair under still angry.

Phil nods miserably. “I know, Dan. I'm so, so incredibly sorry. I can't even put into words how sorry I am and how awful it's been this last week.”

Sighing and shaking his head, Dan turns back to his computer and grabs the bag of candy and silently offers it to Phil. Phil takes one and Dan looks Phil in the eyes and for the first time in a week, there's not anger, there's just tiredness, acceptance, and Phil's entire body floods with relief.

“Never again,” Dan warns Phil. “Don't you even dare, ever again.”

“No,” Phil agrees. He wants to stay longer but Dan's not exactly thrilled with him yet and so instead, he decides to go. “I, um. I wanted to tell you that I read him some Winnie the Pooh the other day.”

Dan's eyes soften as he looks at Phil. “I'm sure he liked that,” Dan says after a long moment. Phil offers a tiny smile at Dan and then retreats out of Dan's room, leaving him be.

 

The fight is cautiously put behind them and the next morning, Phil makes them breakfast and dinner and Dan spends pretty much the entire day with Charlie, who is thrilled beyond belief and Dan can't stop kissing Charlie's arms and legs and tummy and forehead and even reads him a bit of Winnie the Pooh himself.

A few days later, Phil's lying in bed with Charlie. He's got Charlie's stuffed zebra, which Charlie is happily sucking on the nose of, and he's telling Charlie about his day, which was pretty mundane, but still, he likes unwinding at the end of the day by talking to Charlie.

He looks up when he spots a movement and Dan's in the doorway, watching him. Phil smiles at him, pointing wordlessly at Charlie's mouth and the fact that the zebra is just completely soaked through on its face, and Dan smiles back, muffling a laugh into the sleeve of his jumper.

Phil thinks to himself that he wishes Dan would join them. That Charlie would love to have Dan there but Phil wants Dan there too. He misses them lying in bed together. He really does.

As if reading Phil's mind, Dan crosses the room and settles onto the bed, stretching out onto his side, and Charlie's tucked between them neatly. “What's Philly telling you, huh? Telling you how he's a boring old fart? How he was boring even before you came along?”

But Dan's teasing Phil because he's smiling as he says it, looking at Phil with an expression of _you'll let me get away with this, of course_ , because of course Phil will.

“Shut up,” Phil tells him softly, smiling back. “I wasn't boring. I'm still not boring. I've got over three million subscribers on Youtube now who don't think I'm boring.”

Dan stretches out further, tucking his arm under his head so he can relax. “I think I'm about three-quarters to six million now. Who'd have thought when I first started out that I'd surpass you?”

“I'm not surprised. You're talented, Dan. Incredibly so.” Phil tells him honestly. It feels so right to be praising Dan again, to be complimenting and encouraging him.

“Yeah, but I was your biggest fan. Still am, to be honest.” Dan ducks his face against his arm as he speaks, muffling his words.

“Phil trash,” Phil teases him. Dan nods, eyes shining at Phil as he peeks over from the edge of his arm. “You're ridiculous.”

“You love me anyways,” Dan tells him. Phil does, he really does. He goes all fuzzy inside and closes his eyes and breathes in slow and deep and hears both Charlie and Dan breathing as well and somehow he falls asleep.

He dreams. He dreams of their conversation they've just had, of the way that Dan had gazed at Phil so fondly. He dreams where he can see them both on the bed together, Charlie between them, Dan peering at Phil and smiling and Phil smiling back and the expression on his face is adoration, utter and whole, and he jerks awake as Dan teases him, _you love me anyways -_

 _-_ and Phil gasps into coherency. Dan's sleeping as well. He twists to look at the clock – it's only been about half an hour and Charlie's sleeping as well but he doesn't want Charlie to fall off the bed by climbing over them so Phil very slowly eases himself up, picks up Charlie, who stays asleep, and lies his son down in his crib.

Phil's heart is hammering the entire time.

He stares at Dan as he sneaks back into bed. Because it's all come together in his head and it makes perfect sense and he has to push it down, this can not be happening. He's absolutely and completely in love with Dan.

Somehow, in the last year, he's gone and fallen in love with his best friend and flatmate. He's raising a baby with Dan and just to make it even more cliché, he's gone and fallen for him.

Not just a little bit, either. He's breathtakingly in love with Dan, where right now, his brain, now that Phil's decided to understand everything it's been trying to tell him for all these months, is helpfully supplying him with the idea of waking up to Dan kissing him good morning, going to bed with Dan kissing him goodnight, sneaking little kisses when Dan's editing or sliding his hand under Dan's while they're watching television together. It's putting together snippets of every single thing they do together, except adding in the idea of it being couple-y, way more intimate.

Except Dan's straight. Phil thought he was straight but Dan is definitely straight. Dan has spent so much time trying to defend his straightness that there's no way he could ever feel this way for Phil.

It just can't happen. It's not going to work. Phil would joke that during one of Dan's existential crises, he'd be the one to also have a slight gay one as well, but no, that is apparently on Phil to have.

He's too old for this – he's just over half a year under thirty, for chrissakes, and he's not gay. He's just a very little bit not entirely heterosexual. For Dan.

But it can't happen. He has to stuff this down and work through it. For the sake of their friendship, Phil can not let Dan know.

He closes his eyes and refuses to let himself reach out to touch Dan like he wants to as Dan sleeps, to rest his hand over Dan's. He lies there, thoughts racing, not at all eased by Dan's easy breathing as he sleeps in Phil's bed again, and Dan has no idea what it means to Phil now, and it's all unfair, it's all wrong, because even now that Phil understands it, he can't fix it.

 

He doesn't tell Dan. He keeps silent about the fact that now, when he comes into the room and looks at Dan, his breath catches in his chest each time that Dan smiles at him. That he can't stop over-scrutinizing every single feature of Dan's and finding it suddenly beautiful.

So he asks Dan to watch Charlie for the day and goes home to visit his mum. He needs to get away to clear his head and also, he needs maternal advice. His mum has always loved him and accepted him. His family had accepted Dan into their lives just as quickly as Phil had introduced them.

His father saw it. His mum's seen it. They've both seen it and asked and Phil didn't see it and now he does and he needs advice from his mum because she's always had advice when he needed it.

She gives him a hug as soon as he arrives, having received his call in which he barely masked his desperation, asking if he could come home for the day and talk to her about something.

He'd lied and said it was about Charlie when she'd pressed him because he hadn't wanted to even suggest over the phone that he might be in love with Dan.

When she lets go, she asks, “Is Charlie alright? You didn't bring him with. Does Dan have him?”

Phil smiles a little. “Yeah, Dan has him. Charlie's fine. Dan can take care of him for the day just fine.”

“Well, of course he can. You've let him before.” His mum agrees. “So you said you needed to talk to me about Charlie?”

Phil waffles a bit around the subject here. “Yeah, um.” He pauses and makes up something. “Is there anything I should really know about raising a baby at this age? I just kind of wanted to see you and figured you could give me better advice than a book.”

Phil's mum gives him a gently disbelieving look because Phil's done quite well for over a year, in both of their opinions, on raising a baby when he knew nothing at all to start with, and most of his knowledge has come from books.

But she answers him despite that. “Well, I mean, obviously he's walking and talking now and he's probably getting into everything. You just really need to keep an eye on him. He probably doesn't need a lot of formula anymore, if any at all.”

She pauses and thinks for a bit. “I think by this age, we were trying to teach you to understand to clean up after yourself, or at least not to get into things that we'd put off limits. You know, trying to actually put 'no' into your head.”

“Okay,” Phil nods. “Thanks.” He's quiet now, not sure what next to say, and his mum pats his arm after a minute of this.

“That's all you came to ask?” She's teasing him and Phil blurts out, “How are you doing?”, making her laugh.

“I'm doing fine, Phil. I'm glad to see you. I've missed you. I always miss my son, even though you've been on your own for years now.” Phil catches her hand and squeezes it with his own, glad for her love.

“Can we just play cards or something for a bit?” He asks. She nods, obviously knowing that something's up but also knowing not to push, and so she hunts down a deck of cards, shuffles them, and they agree on Rummy.

Phil's distracted and after his mum's won three games in a row, he knows that any pretense he could have of being okay is pretty much ruined and so he sets down his hand mid-game and covers his face with his hands.

“Mum?” He mumbles into his palms. “You'd love me no matter what, right?”

He peers at her between his fingers and she's nodding, giving him a tender gaze. “Of course I would, Phillip. I could never not love you.” She gets up and moves around the table to kiss his forehead, smoothing his fringe away.

Phil bites his lip and toys with his fingers under the table, playing them into each other until they're twisted and he pulls them apart. They're sweaty and he's nervous and he can't figure out an easy way to say this.

“Mum.” He stares at the floor as he speaks. “I think I'm in love with Dan.”

There's silence for only a few seconds and then she's pulling her chair over next to him and sitting, wrapping her arms around him even as he stares at his knees and the floor between them, rubbing his back.

“That's okay, Phil. There's nothing wrong with it. I still love you.”

He doesn't answer because even though he realised it that night, even though it's been eating him up inside, he's not told anybody and now that it's out to someone, he's terrified even more.

After he doesn't speak, she pushes on. “Does he know?” Phil shakes his head.

“He's straight. I know he is. Any time someone even asks him about us being in a relationship as a joke, he almost flips out.” Phil says miserably.

“I'm sorry, Phil. If he isn't in love with you back, I mean. But maybe things can change. You didn't expect to fall in love with him, did you?” She tries to encourage him with her words.

Phil laughs a little sharply. “You and Dad. You've been wondering for so long. Did you expect I'd tell you this one day?”

He looks at her now and her gaze is still soft and kind. “Phil, we wondered for a while, yes, but only because you two have always been so close. We never expected anything and we certainly don't now. I'm sure your father would agree with me that we just want you to be happy.”

"Are you sure that Dan is straight?" Phil's mum asks him when he's still not said anything for a few moments. "After all, you thought you were straight."

"I am. I mean, Dan is genuinely the only guy that I could see myself falling for." Phil explains. "He's just ... Dan. And he's so much of what I want. But I couldn't picture ever feeling that way about another guy."

She nods at him. "Well, you just have to hope for the best, I suppose. And even if he doesn't feel that way back, at least you have him as such a close friend. Even if that seems even worse at times."

She's right. Even though Dan will never feel the same way about Phil as Phil does for him, he'll always have Dan as his best friend and that's more than he could ask to begin with.

She gives him another small hug. "You just don't know what will happen, darling. Keep your chin up."

"He makes me so happy," Phil mumbles. "Even if he doesn't feel the same way about me. I know he doesn't."

"I know, sweetheart. I can see how happy he makes you and Charlie. Dan's a blessing to both my babies." Phil blushes when she says that. He's still her baby even though he's almost thirty.

Phil is incredibly relieved his mother hasn't judged him horribly. "Can you not tell Dad? I mean, not that he would judge me, but if there's no chance of anything happening between Dan and I, there's no point in him knowing. I just needed to tell you and get some advice."

His mum nods. "Well, my advice is don't discount anything. I've seen the way Dan looks at you and your baby. Maybe he just needs a little more time. Or you could try opening up a little and seeing how he reacts? Just be happy – that's all I want for you, and I'll be happy too."

But Phil isn't going to even risk opening up and he doubts Dan needs more time. It took him over a year to figure it out and he doubts Dan would need that long, that Dan would have been the first to know.

So he just stays quiet and reshuffles the cards and deals another hand for his mum and himself.

When he gets home, Dan has Charlie on his lap, looking on something online, the computer set on the couch next to him.

"Missed you," Dan comments. "So did Charlie. There's some leftover pizza if you want it in the fridge."

"Missed you too," Phil answers quietly. More than Dan could know. More than Dan will know. He wants, he wants so much from Dan that Dan doesn't want. "'m not really hungry. Thanks, though."

"No problem. Want your kid back?" Dan offers Charlie, who is already unsteadily sliding off the couch to toddle over to his father, and Phil swings him up into his arms.

"Hey, big guy. You're not so little anymore, are you?" He kisses his son's nose and takes Charlie with him into his bedroom. "Did Charlie eat?" he calls.

"Yup. I even made sure his meal was healthy unlike mine. He got a banana and eggs and milk. I figured he could have dinner for breakfast." Dan calls back.

Phil comes out of his room again, having set Charlie in his crib for just the moment, and leans in to hug Dan hard. "Thanks. For taking care of my baby." He doesn't say, _you're bloody perfect for me and I wish you loved me too_. He just hugs Dan and feels the soft brush of Dan's hair on his cheek and closes his eyes, Dan hugging him back hard.

 

But of course, it's too good to last forever. It's not nearly enough but Phil would have taken it. He would have taken it for as long as Dan would let him.

But one night, Dan comes home and says that he met some girl when he was getting coffee and he's going out with her that night, and Phil goes to bed early because he doesn't want to think about it.

Twice more that week, Dan goes out with her, and the third time, he brings her up to meet Phil and Charlie. She's tall and lanky, blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail, and she giggles too much in Phil's opinion, giggling at Phil when he tries to force a smile onto his face, pretending he's not thinking about Dan kissing her.

She giggles at everything that Dan says and after about two minutes, Phil wants to shout at her to just shut up, and then Dan says, quickly, “Oh, and let me introduce you to Phil's baby. I practically raise the kid, Phil does nothing,” and he flashes Phil a joking smile and wink and Phil sort of hates Dan because if it was in private, it would be okay, if it was with Louise or PJ or Chris, it would be okay, but not in front of this girl.

But what's even worse is when Dan heads into Phil's room to get Charlie, leaving Phil to stare at this girl, who just offers a faint smile and looks away, and when Dan comes back, he's got Charlie cuddled in his arms, Charlie telling him something about “dzee-buh” (he can't quite make a full 'z' with his tongue) and that's his zebra, and Dan's nodding at him, listening intently.

“This would be Charlie,” Dan says, proudly, and she nods at Charlie but doesn't say hello to him and Dan's halfway to extending Charlie's hand towards her when he notices and drops Charlie's arm quickly and hands Charlie to Phil.

“Did you want to get going?” She asks.

“Yeah, uh, let's get going.” Dan says. He waves at Phil awkwardly and Phil takes his son and sets up a big piece of paper, getting out some of the crayons that they'd bought Charlie.

“Let's draw something,” Phil tells Charlie. “Let's do something to get our minds off that silly blonde idiot,” and he's probably being unfair but he really frankly doesn't care.

Charlie's not really got the whole art thing down pat and instead he just draws scribbles half-heartedly with a blue crayon, meanwhile, Phil draws a picture of his own that he fully intends to throw away and never show Dan. He's not a skilled artist but still, it's not hard to work out that in the picture, it's Dan – a person with brown fringe and all black clothes - and Phil – wearing a checkered green and black top and black pants with his black fringe - holding hands with a baby, who is obviously Charlie, sitting next to them.

They're on the grass, having a picnic. The sun is shining and there's an apple tree in the background because it just seems appropriate to have some kind of fruit tree in the picture, because it's a happy picture.

He stares at it for a few minutes after he finishes it and then rips it in half, puts them together, rips them again, gathers it all up, and rips it one more time for good measure, then crumples it and stuffs it into the trash.

There's no way he's going to even risk letting Dan see that picture.

After the end of the evening, Charlie's first “drawing” is a bunch of blue scribbles with a few yellow ones after he'd eventually shown interest in a new colour, and finally a big red area that he'd sort of scribbled into a squarish-circle over and over.

Phil puts it on the fridge anyways, writing “CHARLIE'S FIRST DRAWING” on the top and dating it.

When Dan gets home, he's got a pink lipstick mark on his cheek and Phil does his best not to be angry with Dan because it's not his fault that Dan doesn't feel the same way but still.

The best he can do is point out Charlie's art and Dan immediately starts telling Charlie how proud he is of Charlie's art and what a nice picture it is and Phil loves Dan so much at that moment.

 

But he can't keep up the act and the next two days, he's sad and it's obvious. He doesn't smile very much. Dan starts acting sillier to try and get Phil to smile and it fails. Dan even tickles Phil and that fails and Phil just sort of offers him a shrug. “Sorry,” he mutters and Dan's hands fall away from Phil's side and Dan stares at him in confusion.

Phil overhears Dan later on the phone and assumes it's with his new girlfriend so he pointedly makes sure he can't hear what's being said.

But when Louise shows up at their flat and tells them that Dan had asked her to watch Charlie over night, that Phil needed a night to himself to relax with Dan, Phil is at first reluctant but Dan pressures him into it, telling Phil that he's going to make sure Phil has a good night.

It's the knowledge that Dan's not going out that makes Phil agree and so Louise helps them pack up Charlie's overnight bag and takes him home with her.

Phil probably shouldn't be drinking to deal with his problems but he has no baby to look after so he is. He blends almond milk and Kahlua and rum together and it's not exactly the greatest tasting thing he's ever had but it's not terrible either and it helps.

He's got a full pitcher and Dan doesn't seem too interested in it so after a few drinks, Phil's tipsy and while he and Dan were playing Mario Kart, he begs off and goes on his computer instead with the last of the pitcher of drink.

Dan doesn't leave him alone like Phil would like. He instead comes over, getting into Phil's space as he sits down right next to Phil in the kitchen. “Hey, what's up, Philly?”

“Don't call me that.” Phil grouches. He'd let Dan get away with it and has, in fact, come to quite like it, but not tonight. It's too intimate a nickname. And he just can't do intimate right now with Dan. Dan's not his to have that with.

“Come on, talk to me. I tried to give you a night off so you could relax. You've been so upset the last couple of days.” Dan protests.

“It's nothing,” Phil lies. Dan gives him a look that states he believes that about as far as he can throw Phil.

“Come on, the last time you acted like this was when I went out with that girl and Charlie was crying and you kept calling me and we had that big fight.”

Phil tries to keep the expression off his face but it obviously doesn't work.

Dan stares at him in confusion. “What, this is about me going out this week? Phil, come on, you can't do this every time I go out, Charlie didn't need me. He got on fine, remember? He drew that awesome first picture?” Here he turns and points at the fridge where it's still hanging.

“It's not that.” Phil shouldn't be talking. The alcohol's loosened his mouth. He really shouldn't be talking. He needs to keep this all shoved down and Dan absolutely cannot know.

“Then what is it?” Dan asks. Phil shakes his head and tries to wave Dan off but Dan doesn't drop it. “Come on, Phil. Talk to me. I thought you were able to tell me anything.”

 _Not this_ , Phil thinks bitterly. _Not when you don't feel the same way._ He wants Dan to go away. He wants to stew in this until it overwhelms him and then maybe he can move on and just suck up and accept that Dan's found someone to date, whether or not Phil likes her, and that maybe in a few months she'll be over all the time and in a few more months after that Dan might be considering moving in with her.

That he just has to get over Dan and it's a lot freaking harder when Dan's got his hand on Phil's thigh, squeezing gently, asking, “Please, Phil, come on, what's wrong?”

It's too much for Phil and he gives Dan a frustrated look. “How the hell can you be so blind sometimes?” He says, sharper than he intended and Dan is taken aback, he can see that much.

“Excuse me?” Dan asks, lifting an eyebrow and giving Phil a look of incredulousness.

Phil groans and stuffs his face into his palms. “I mean, I can't blame you for it, because neither of us planned on this, raising a baby together, but why the _fuck_ ,” and even though he tries to keep his Youtube channel PG and that's somewhat influenced his language in real life, this curse surprises Dan even more, “ _why_ would you sleep with someone who didn't give two shits about our kid?”

And this is the first time that he's called Charlie their kid and not corrected himself but it hits him that it's true, that Charlie is just as much Dan's kid as he is Phil's, and Dan's looking as stunned as Phil at these words, mouthing, 'our kid?' even as Phil plunges on, all the words spilling out of him.

“I mean, I get that Lisa or Lora or Lana or whatever her name was,” and it was definitely Lora, but Phil's trying to pretend like he can't remember every fact that Dan's mentioned about her because he's jealous, “you know, I get that she's not involved with Charlie, but you are, so why would you sleep with her when she obviously couldn't have cared less when she met him?”

He's not quite shouting at Dan, it's not quite an argument, but Dan looks a little frustrated and he shoots back, “I didn't sleep with her, Phil. I didn't sleep with her because of that. I'm not going to see her again. I called it off. I don't want to date someone who doesn't care about your baby,” and Phil wishes maybe Dan would have said “my baby”, not “your baby”, but he didn't and he swallows down that disappointment.

“But even if I had slept with her, what business is it of yours?” Dan queries. “Remember, we've been here before, and if you're going to act like this every time, I mean, I don't understand!”

“Yeah,” Phil grits out, biting the inside of his cheek hard, so that he can fight off the shakiness in his voice, “we've been here before,” and he means to stop there but it's leaving his mouth before he can stop it, “but that was before I realised that I'm just slightly in love with you – oh christ,” and he can't believe he's said it.

He clamps his mouth shut and waits for everything to come crashing down on him, for him to have ruined it all, and Dan's sat next to him, staring at him with the most heart-wrenching, devastated expression.

Yeah, that's it, Phil's definitely gone and screwed them over now, and he doesn't know what to do anymore so he gets up and mutters something about checking on Charlie, remembering too late that Charlie's not there, so instead he just leaves the room and goes to his bedroom, locking the door, sitting on the bed, and he drags his knees and feet in up tight to himself and stares at the pattern on his blanket and wishes he could take it all back, sitting alone in the silence of his bedroom.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna just let this one speak for itself. ;) (don't worry, we're not even close to done with this fic, remember, I've promised that this goes up to when Charlie turns three.)

Phil doesn't know how long he sits there, replaying the conversation in his head, reliving the fact that he's just confessed to Dan that he's in love with him. His heart sinks with every passing minute until he feels like it could literally fall into nothingness and he wouldn't care.

It actually physically hurts to breathe. His body aches and each breath feels like it takes all his effort to drag into him and Phil doesn't even have the energy to shift his gaze off his blankets, to stare at something else.

He feels empty. He feels shattered. He's gone and nothing can ever be the same again. He cares too much, every bit of him in love with Dan, unrequited, and he can't bring himself to do anything except dwell on the situation and what he's gotten himself into and how he can't fix it.

There's a knock at his door that eventually jolts him, sluggishly, out of the stuporous trance he's in and he checks his phone. It's been something like an hour and a half since he left Dan sitting in the kitchen.

Phil doesn't answer but Dan knocks again and Phil knows that Dan won't go away until Phil lets him in. So he focuses all his brain into putting his legs into motion and, sort of in a daze, lifts himself away from the bed, unlocks the door, and walks back to his bed without a word, sitting back down, knees stretched in front of him, tingling because they've fallen asleep, and it hurts, and he focuses on the pain because he's furious with himself.

Then there's the click of his door and Dan's opening it, coming in and sitting next to Phil, equally wordless. His hand falls onto Phil's thigh and he squeezes, sighing heavily.

Phil closes his eyes and tries not to relish the touch. He just whispers, “I'm sorry, Dan, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen,” and finding his voice seems to bring strength to it, and he can actually make it have sound behind it, “I'll figure out how to fix this, I promise, I'll make it go away. I don't know how, but I'll make it stop and we can raise Charlie but I'll figure out how to get over you, it'll be okay -”

He's babbling and half of what he's saying probably doesn't make sense. He just needs to try and make things right, slightly better, so that it's not all mucked up. “I promise, I'm so sorry, I'll get over you, I'll figure it out.”

“Phil, stop, shush,” and Dan's hands are awkward, all over, as he twists to face Phil, both of his hands on Phil's thighs and then catching Phil's hands and dropping them a moment later, and then they're on Phil's shoulders and smoothing down his shirt and across his chest, “just, could you look at me, please?”

Phil raises his gaze from his knees to Dan, who stares at him with wide eyes, his expression hanging between confusion and fear, and Dan leans in, pressing his forehead to Phil's as he cups Phil's face between his hands, murmuring, “Philly, it's okay, I swear – god, what utter pillocks we are.”

Phil doesn't know what's going on or what to do and he's just sitting there, afraid to breathe, afraid to speak, and then he feels Dan shifting, angling, and Dan's kissing him soft and cautiously, mouth barely brushing Phil's, lingering without pressing in, hesitating.

Phil's heart suddenly goes from feeling empty to thrumming about two hundred beats a minute and his hands are lifting of their own accord to try and cup Dan's face but he stops them, dropping them back to his sides in surprise, waiting for Dan to pull back, waiting for this to be some horrible practical joke on him.

But Dan doesn't pull back. He's trembling – Phil can feel the way a shiver rolls through Dan, over and over, jolting the kiss, even as Dan presses his mouth just slightly firmer against Phil's mouth – and mouthing something almost inaudible. Phil listens closely and Dan's barely breathing out, “Phil, come on, please,” and Phil can't stop his hands here from pressing onto Dan's thigh and fisting into Dan's shirt.

He kisses back because he can't fight it anymore, not if Dan's kissing him, even though he has no idea what's going on, and he's breathing in hard, clinging to Dan as he acquaints himself with the unfamiliarity of Dan's mouth and learns it as fast as he can.

Dan tilts backwards, Phil's face still caught between his hands, and Phil's clutching his shirt and not letting go, so Phil's forced to fall backwards with him until his weight is half on top of Dan and Dan's pulling back just slightly, just enough, to catch a breath.

When he leans in again, it's off a little and Dan's nose brushes into Phil's and Dan whispers against Phil's mouth, “Eskimo kiss,” a second later, making Phil snort-laugh a noise because he's still terrified to speak and break whatever spell might be between them.

Dan lies there, Phil's weight on top of him, his hands coming to rest against Phil's lower back. Phil keeps his eyes closed, unable to look at Dan, face pressed into Dan's shoulder, and he feels their breathing sync up after a minute, until they're inhaling and exhaling at the same time.

“You're right,” Dan whispers. It's the first coherent thing he's said to Phil since he came in the room. He coughs, clears his throat. “You were right. I was blind. We've spent the last year and two months raising a baby together.”

He hesitates and then adds, very softly, “Our baby.”

Phil's heart leaps into his throat at those words. This can't be real. This is all a dream. He couldn't have gotten this lucky.

Dan lets his head fall back onto the bed completely and his throat is left bare and exposed to Phil, who practically has to swallow back the urge to kiss and bite down and see if Dan will shift and rub into him. He turns his face and inhales the scent of Dan's skin, sweat from how nervous Dan is, matching Phil.

“We didn't see it, did we?” Dan mumbles. “I mean – I didn't, anyways. Or maybe I did but I didn't want to own up to it, all these months. Everything we did together, all the time, the fact that I moved into your bedroom for so long, and Charlie made me so happy and there were moments when everything seemed so perfect.”

Phil nods into Dan's skin, voice cracking. “That's exactly what it was,” he whispers back. “I remember looking at you – oh god, the first time I think you really fell in love with Charlie. You had this smile on your face that was so big it had to hurt, your dimples were peaked out, you had this gaze on your face like absolute happiness, and all I could think about was how beautiful you looked and how perfect it was that you loved my baby too,” and Dan's fingers are stroking over his lower back.

“I remember that,” Dan tells him softly. “That's exactly what it was,” he agrees. “It had been all of like, a day and a half, right? And Charlie just was so little and all he wanted was someone who would take care of him and it felt so gratifying to know he must have felt safe because of me.”

“There were so many times,” Phil murmurs. “You'd be helping me – we'd be lying in bed and joking at each other, or the first time you kissed Charlie, just how close we became so fast, where personal space went from what little we started with to completely gone, and a couple of times I thought how attractive you were and just - I didn't know, I kept pushing it away because I didn't want to think about it and overanalyse it.”

He thinks he must be crushing Dan with his weight and tries to lift himself away but Dan doesn't let him, latching his fingers tight. “No,” Dan informs Phil. Phil doesn't argue at all. He's not moving if Dan doesn't make him.

“I had those flashes too – when people would mistake us for a couple, like when we took Charlie to the pool or when I was busy worrying about Charlie getting sick, or when you made me go out that one night because you thought I shouldn't be helping and all I could think about was getting back home to you and Charlie.” Dan tells him, all hushed and sounding so ponderous.

Phil has been as still as possible but now, he runs his hand down to Dan's kneecap and Dan turns and presses towards him and Phil inhales at that. “I kept fighting those thoughts over the next few months and then I tried to make you leave and go back to your own room because I was getting scared of them because I couldn't fight them much longer and I think it really started at Christmas that it really snuck in and I was just lying to myself.”

“How so?” Dan asks, sounding genuinely curious. His fingers stroke at Phil's skin now, working under Phil's shirt, and Phil shivers.

“I woke up to you with your face pressed between my shoulder blades and I swear to god I stopped being able to think because you were so warm and cuddling me and I didn't know what to do so I just stuffed every single thought down and went on with the day because what else could I do?”

Dan smiles at that. Phil can feel the way his skin pulls slightly against Phil's. Phil's still not opening his eyes, not because he's afraid, but because he just wants to be near Dan, because he wants to remember every second of this, in case this is all he ever gets and it ends when they stop talking tonight.

“We had so many bloody presents for Charlie.” Dan says, sounding amused. “We went so overboard.”

Phil pauses. “Do you remember me cooking for you? I was making pasta or something for when you got back from your parents.” He laughs weakly. “And my father had been asking if there was something going on between us by that point because I apparently spent half my time talking about you and the other half about Charlie. And I just thought how stupid I was to have gone all domestic on you, like a house-wife waiting on you hand and foot.”

“Oh, Phil,” Dan sounds sad as he speaks. “You had to know I appreciated the effort, right?” When Phil doesn't speak, Dan sounds even sadder. “Of course I appreciated it, you daft muppet. And my parents didn't say anything but if it makes you feel better, I think I spent just as much time talking about you and Charlie as you did to your parents about me and him.”

Phil goes suddenly still because he's about to confess something to Dan. “That back massage – I honestly don't know how I got through it. You have really talented fingers – if Youtube fails, become a masseuse. I spent the entire time glad that I was face-down,” and Dan makes a noise that's something between a chuckle and a sigh, “What are you so amused about?”

“Oh, just – I had to shift during it and tell you I was getting more comfortable because the fact that you were busy moaning like that had me a little worked up too,” Dan admits. “And of course, I couldn't admit that to you. Even though...” he pauses. “Oh fuck, I don't know if I can say this.”

Phil doesn't want to make him. He has to make him. “Please, Dan.” He exhales the words more than he speaks them. “I'm telling you everything. I've told you so much and I can't take it back.”

“I had a wank and all I could think about at the end was how you sounded.” Dan's voice is tremulous and shaking and Phil's heart pounds so hard that he's amazed it doesn't shake Dan right off him.

Phil makes himself talk because otherwise, he'll never get over that thought. “Then it was my birthday and Louise called us idiots-”

Dan intervenes. “She called me out on sleeping in your bed. Remember? Told me that she doesn't let her friends share a bed with her and then called us idiots.”

“So my parents saw it, Louise saw it, cashiers and people at the pool saw it before I figured it out,” Phil mutters more to himself. “And then, oh god, it all went so wrong, Dan.”

Dan goes still. “It did,” he agrees. Phil doesn't want to talk about it but they have to, if they're talking about everything.

“You kissed – we kissed in our sleep and. You left. You shut down on me and I was scared to go on tour because I thought it would be horrible and that awful Valentine's party,” and Dan actually lets out a disgusted sigh, adding in, “goddamn interview,” as Phil talks.

“We … I mean, we were mostly okay for tour, and then we were just so swept up in it that we put it behind ourselves but we got home and I don't know, I thought it was okay for Charlie's first birthday party,” Phil says. “But it all hit me again. We'd been off for so long that when we were good, it was too much. When Christina was hitting on you and you didn't even notice, I thought it wasn't good for you.”

“Charlie started calling me da-da around then,” Dan reminds him. “I felt so torn. I wanted it and I couldn't want it, because what would that mean? So I just told him no.”

Phil has to ask it. “Do you want to be his... do you want that, though? I know for all you do for him – but. Dan, I mean. Is that what you want?”

“God, yes,” Dan answers before Phil's finished talking. “I am, right?” Phil nods shakily.

“Even if this – I don't know what this is, I mean, I'm afraid that this is going to all go tails-up anyways and I don't, I'm terrified,” Phil's not making sense, “but you are his, even if it does, you have been for so long.”

“You went out with that girl. You used your massage voucher and I, fuck, I smelled her on you when you came home and it was like my skin crawled.” Dan whispers in Phil's ear, turning his face just slightly. He's breathing his words out now. “And I just – I never do this sort of thing but I just wanted to stop thinking about you and you not being there for me and Charlie, that I wanted you there, so I went out and slept with that girl.”

“Kathryn.” Phil reminds him.

“Oh god, no. I don't know. I never... I lied. I never knew her name.” Dan's admission is as guilty as anything he's ever said. “It was horrible. I just couldn't take my thoughts and I wanted anything to distract me.”

“You didn't even know her name?” Phil asks, stunned.

“How badly are you judging me?” Dan asks him, groaning and pulling his hands away from Phil's body to cover his face and Phil reaches up and catches Dan's hands, pulling them back down to his sides.

“I'm not, Dan. It's not you at all but I'm not judging you. Not if we're going to lay it all out.” Phil's fingers trace across Dan's wrists, slim and delicate under his touch, and he tries to convey everything in that touch that he's open to Dan, everything Dan might want to know, because he's lost and he's not sure if he's sinking or swimming right now.

“And then we fought and just – we made up but then I met Lora and she didn't care about Charlie and it was like this slap in the face and I couldn't figure out what I was going to do, because how was I going to meet anybody who cared about Charlie like we do?”

“Nobody,” Phil tells him honestly. “Nobody can know or love him like we do.”

“I know, Philly,” and Dan tucks his face now into Phil's throat, switching their pose. “And then you told me...” he trails off. They're all caught up, having confessed everything since Charlie came into their lives. “You told me you were in love with me.”

Phil's silent. He's afraid to say it again. Instead, he thumbs over Dan's pulse-point in his wrist, lets his hands fall away, lets his entire body go limp and slide away from Dan, until they're lying side by side, until he's no longer got his weight on Dan.

Dan's still got his face tucked into Phil's throat though. “And I sat there and just … I thought about it all. It all made sense within like, half an hour. And I just kept sitting there and thinking about everything and wondering if you were okay.”

Dan pauses. “I thought about the fact that I don't think anybody's ever loved me as much as you do, even if it wasn't … I mean, even as just friends. Nobody's ever cared for me and I've never cared for someone the way I do about you, as friends. But you're just – I don't know, it just happened, you were fighting it and I fought it and I guess it was kind of pointless in the end, right? Because it happened and I mean...”

He pulls back enough to look at Phil. “I mean, we are... right? We're, um, we're, I don't know how to even word it but -”

Phil squeezes his eyes shut as he speaks. “I am if you are.” He can't look at Dan again. It's all too real.

Dan's laughing now and what little distance they had is being closed, fingers working into the hair at the back of Phil's neck, stroking. “What idiots we were. Absolute, utter, literal idiots.”

But still, Phil has to be sure so he pulls back again and forces his eyes open and meets Dan's gaze. “Dan, I need you to be sure. I can't – I can't do this if you're not sure.” He falters. He bites his lip and stares, waiting for Dan to tell him, no, he can't do it, they've stripped themselves to raw nerves now but he can't do it.

Dan gazes back at him and his expression shifts from fear to confusion to softness and then something that Phil can't quite put into words, maybe a mix of all three.

“I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm going to be perfectly honest with you. But I want it, without any doubt in my mind. I don't have an idea how this is going to go and I'm quite frankly terrified but at this point, I don't think I could do anything else. I don't,” he blushes here, Phil watches the pink rising in his cheeks. “I can't picture anything else.”

He speaks the words softly but they're probably the steadiest thing he's said since he's come in the room, meeting Phil's eyes, his gaze flicking between Phil watching him and Phil's mouth, and then he leans in again, slow and cautious and presses his mouth to Phil's, and this time, Phil lets his hands slide up Dan's back and curl into the nape of his shirt and his hair and hold him there, losing himself.

When Dan pulls back, Phil's still hopelessly lost, not panic-stricken now but he has no idea where to go from here.

“So what now?” Phil murmurs. He closes his eyes briefly, dragging in a long breath. He opens them to see Dan, lying face to face with him still, gorgeous brown eyes meeting his own, mouth inches away.

“I think that's up to you, Philly,” Dan whispers back. “I told you I have no idea what I'm doing but I want this.” His fingers come back up to stroke Phil's cheeks.

Phil trembles at the touch. They're both fully clothed and they've not done more than press mouths to each other but he's more built up than he's ever been in his life and every single touch is making him fight back a gasp.

“Can we just – can I,” and Phil wants to say _touch kiss hold have_ and he can't say that, can he, but Dan seems to understand him just fine, and why wouldn't he, because they're them, they've been something like this for years.

“Yeah, of course,” Dan breathes out and pulls him back in and this is where Phil stops thinking. He pulls Dan on top and stretches out, catching Dan's wrists again between his fingers and stretching them out, bringing Dan's hands away from his face, letting Dan settle between his thighs, his weight heavy and good on Phil, and Phil runs his hands down Dan's arms and past his shoulders, down his sides and over his hips to rest just under Dan's shirt.

Now that he's not over-thinking, now that he's not in an utter blind panic that anything he says is going to send Dan reeling out the door, that they've irredeemably screwed up, Phil wants everything, to know every inch of Dan's body and learn it and memorise it.

He wants nothing more than to take it as slow as Dan needs and god be damned if it's torturous for him, exquisite need as Dan shifts and lets his weight settle between Phil's thighs and his fingers tuck into Phil's hair again, mumbling Phil's name.

Phil gasps out helplessly and tightens his grip, pulling Dan in to him, and Dan lets out a noise that hangs a fraction between a whimper and a groan, as Phil pushes up into him, needing to, hoping it's not too much and when Dan responds, Phil starts giggling and Dan pulls back to half-punch him, even as he nuzzles Phil.

It's a strange amalgamation of need and nervousness and laughter, insecurity and trust meshing in touches and gazes and mouths meeting again finally, and Phil breathes it out into Dan's mouth, _love you so much_ and Dan's pushing his fingers through Phil's fringe and pushing Phil's neck to expose it and Dan's tracing lines with his fingers and then his mouth over Phil's throat, _love you too_ and there it is, that's the first time Dan's said it, and Phil lets out a sharp, little noise of pleasure, not from what Dan's doing but from what he's said, pulling Dan back to kiss him fiercely, square on the mouth.

When they finally pull back, Dan's got a dizzy little smile on his face and Phil's a bit dopey and he leans in and nuzzles his mouth against Dan's one more time, not wanting to stop because it's never enough.

Here, Phil speaks something that he didn't think he'd ever be saying. “Need to take it slow.” Not for his own sake. No, not a chance. Right now, he wants to discard all clothes and get Dan grinding into him. He needs to take it slow for Dan's sake.

“Okay,” Dan agrees breathlessly, even as he latches onto Phil's throat, sucking softly. “This is slow, right?”

“Slow enough,” Phil bites out weakly, twisting up Dan's hair at the nape of his neck between his fingers and Dan jerks at that, bites down, and Phil moans. “Slower,” Phil begs.

For Dan's sake. For his own sake. To drag out what Dan's doing, so Dan never stops. He's so lost and he has no idea what to do or what's going on or how to get back control and every time he's tried to fight it, he's lost further control so he just holds on tight and loses himself.

He must be whispering something as much, incoherent with want, because Dan's nuzzling and smiling and saying, “I'm with you, don't worry,” pulling Phil in closer to him, even as he draws back to look at Phil with heat flushed in his face and eyes.

“Your eyes are incredible,” Dan murmurs. “It's like looking at stormclouds under sunlight.”

Phil blinks hazily. “Never knew you were such a romantic,” he tells Dan.

“Plus your smile is like sunshine personified,” Dan adds, his smile gently mocking Phil for calling him on it.

“Can't be,” Phil mouths at Dan's earlobe, pulling him down and catching it just barely between his teeth and Dan groans, rocking his hips into Phil's and turning to give Phil better access. “That's already been taken up by you.”

He nibbles and bites down a little harder, loosening his teeth and then reclaiming Dan's lobe, and Dan gasps.

“Banter aside,” Dan gets out. “Really. I've spent the last year and some odd months not seeing you like I should. You should really let me appreciate you.”

“You first,” Phil grinds out. “After everything I've put you through.” Dan's dragging his hips just hard enough into Phil's that Phil's trying not to push back and about to fail miserably. “Stop, stop,” Phil gasps. “Don't want to go too fast.”

“Not too fast,” Dan whines, even as he reaches between them and he's got Phil's button undone on his pants as Phil catches him.

“Trust me,” Phil almost hates himself for this. “You'll thank me when we take it slow.”

He reaches and catches Dan's jaw between his fingers and guides Dan back to him, back to his mouth. “Slow.” He repeats. “Trust me.”

“Trust you,” Dan agrees, and he loosens above Phil, just casually rolling his hips now, lazily. “Trust me,” he asks. Phil hums his agreement and Dan lets his hand slide up to guide Phil, to turn his neck, and when Dan bites down, Phil can't argue or stop him.

Dan nibbles and sucks and bites and licks, sharp and then soft and spends endless minutes over that one spot, and Phil closes his eyes and begs for more, and finally, when he thinks he's going to implode, he breaks away.

“Need to stop for tonight.” He begs. He's panting and so's Dan and he's so hard that he might actually die but he needs to stop. After a few minutes of just faces pressed into skin and hands curling into clothing, soothing each other and calming down, they draw apart.

Dan stuffs his face into Phil's neck. “Don't kill me, but I may have left, um, a mark.” He's laughing anyways, whether or not Phil's angry.

“You gave me a hickey, you turnip?!” Phil yelps. He touches the spot that Dan was focused on, pretending that he's not flushed and pleased.

Dan lifts himself up and Phil wants to pull him in and make Dan mark him all over. He can feel Dan, hard against his thigh, and ignores his own erection. “Gorgeous,” Phil mumbles instead.

Dan ducks his head and his hair is a mess and Phil loves seeing him like this. “Let's...” he can't seem to get his brain together. “Netflix. Dunno.”

Phil doesn't want to let go of Dan to get his laptop. He drags in a breath. “What are we going to tell people?” He asks, suddenly realising.

“What?” Dan asks, even as Phil lifts them both up and disrupts them. “Tell who?”

“You know. My parents. Your parents. Louise. Peej. Our friends.” Phil wants to caress Dan's face. He doesn't dare touch it right now because suddenly Dan's become guarded with his expression and he thinks he might have screwed up.

But a second later, Dan relaxes. “Them. Okay. I thought – I just wasn't ready for more than that.”

Phil understands and he doesn't blame Dan at all. “No, that – that's up to you.” He's not going to make Dan push anything until Dan's ready. “I just mean … my mum knows. I told her how I felt. Can I tell her that we're, um,” and he's still not ready to define things yet.

But Dan gets it and Dan ducks his face to Phil's shoulder. “Tell her. I mean – I'm. I'm going to tell my parents. Tomorrow. No take-backs.”

Phil finds Dan's hand and squeezes tight. “Don't say no take-backs yet. You might, tomorrow.”

“I _won't_.” Dan's word is emphasised, hard and sharp. “Promise. Tomorrow, I'm going to tell them.”

Phil doesn't trust it just yet. He's not distrusting Dan, he just doesn't believe it could be this good this fast.

But Dan tucks himself up into Phil's body as Phil pulls up Netflix and mumbles his assent to whatever Phil wants to watch, and hours pass and Dan's curled up to him, talking sleepily about the show, not that Phil's paying attention to the show because he's got Dan curled up against him.

Then Phil decides to close his laptop, given that Dan's sleeping on his shoulder, and he carefully, one-handed, sets it aside, stretches out, and wraps an arm around Dan in case tomorrow Dan wakes up and changes his mind.

But he wakes up at half-past-nine, face nuzzled into Dan's throat, and when he awakens, he starts to pull back instinctively. Dan stays asleep and Phil creeps out of bed, afraid to stay.

Now it all hits him again, over for what feels like the umpteenth time. It's too much, it's not real. Even though he spent what felt like forever last night with Dan nuzzling and kissing him, it's all going to be over when Dan wakes up.

He can't focus on anything. Charlie's not there and he can't hold his son or play with him and Dan's sleeping and Dan's everything he needs to not focus on right then and Phil thinks he might go crazy in the interlude.

He's staring at the clock in the kitchen as it switches from 10:12 to 10:13 when Dan wanders into the room and he stares sleepily, slowly, at Phil, head half-cocked, and crosses the room and sinks in just enough in one fell swoop to kiss Phil, to grab his hair and pull back and make Phil meet his mouth, and Phil groans.

“Didn't think,” Phil gets out. “You'd want this.”

Dan's already folding his arms under Phil's and moving in to kiss him slow and deep. “How much longer till Louise gets here?”

It's security enough for Phil. “Didn't give her a time. You didn't, anyways.” Phil mutters. “Just told her to take Charlie for the night.”

Dan laughs breathlessly. “Could mean I'm an idiot and she'll be here any second or she won't show up for hours.”

“Mm-hmm,” Phil tells him, focusing on Dan's neck. “What should I do?”

Dan clutches at Phil, holding him in to where Phil's biting. “Make me pay for what I did to your neck last night?”

Phil would laugh. He would, except he's got a spot on Dan's throat focused on and he bites down hard and slow and earns a groan, deep and gutteral, from Dan. “Not that specific, Phil.”

“You tell me if my throat doesn't look like a vampire went after it,” Phil tells Dan as he bites again.

“Okay, so, I'm a bit aggressive, you don't have to be – oh fuck, _fuck_ ,” Phil finds the spot between Dan's throat and collar bone that makes Dan clutch at him, “-go fucking on, don't stop,” and Phil shoves his face into Dan's chest, laughing.

“You're precious,” he manages. Dan is everything besides precious. But it's all he can manage.

And Phil listens, content, when Dan calls his mum and says softly, “Mum? I've got something to tell you – Phil and I...” he pauses. “Yes, Phil and I are – Mum, stop saying you knew it, come on,” and Phil crosses to kiss Dan's forehead.

“Love you,” Phil whispers to him. Dan slides his gaze, swift and sweeping, to Phil's, and catches his mouth briefly.

“Love you,” Dan repeats. His mum must be talking again because he focuses. “Yes, Mum, that was Phil,” and here Phil watches as Dan waves at him, obviously just frustrated, even as a smile touches his face.

 _Hey, bring my baby back_ , Phil texts Louise. In the interim between that and when she gets there, Dan manages to get Phil's shirt half-way off as he clambers into Phil's lap, kissing him, even as Phil mutters, “slow, slow,” over and over, and Phil tugs it down, Dan clambering behind him to meet Louise at the door.

When they open the door, Phil tries to put an expression of innocence on his face. It clearly fails as she looks at Dan, who has already half-wrapped himself around Phil, at the fact that both Dan and Phil have hickeys, and she fairly squeals, holding Charlie.

“Yes, yes,” Phil hushes her as he invites her inside. “Yes, okay, shut up, we're a thing, shut up,” and she's clapping her hands, focusing on Dan to high five him and then pulling at his shirt to examine the hickey that both Dan and Phil try to hide.

In the madness, Charlie gets passed to Phil and Dan pulls back from Louise to kiss his son – Phil stares here, stunned and joyous, Dan's son just as much as his own – and Phil finally manages out, “Seriously, Louise. Not a word. We're taking it slow.”

She nods at them, smiling at Dan tucking himself practically around Phil as he talks to Charlie, and then she's leaving and Phil's kissing Dan again, then asking Dan to put Charlie in his crib for the moment -

\- he needs to call his mother and then the rest of the day is theirs until Charlie cries again and he does call his mother, laughing and sputtering out, “Mum, you were right, Dan and I,” and Dan's tucking himself into Phil's lap now, “Dan, give me a minute –“ but Dan's clicking his end call as he kisses Phil.

“No minute, all mine,” Dan tells Phil contentedly. “Making up for lost time. Charlie's in his crib, he can wait. Wanna spend all my time on you.”

Phil clutches at him and prays it never ends. “Okay,” he agrees. “Spend all your time on me,” and it's heaven, there underneath Dan as Dan drags him into Phil's room and pins him with a kiss.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'd think that now that they're together, it's time for the smut, right? Nope, not just yet. One more chapter, kids. <3

The second time Phil calls his mum, he's able to actually get a conversation out without Dan crawling into his lap and taking over and he's able to tell her that somehow, she was right, that Dan has feelings for him too and things are really,  _ really _ good and she insists on having them come visit together then with Charlie next time she sees her grandson. 

The first night and day have passed and now that it's out in the open, suddenly it's almost awkward. It happens because Dan's curled on Phil's bed, half-underneath Phil, and Phil's kissing him softly, gently, and Dan chuckles a little. “Never done this with a guy before,” and there's the reminder that neither of them have and neither of them are really sure how to go from here and so, even though Dan was the one trying to push things the previous day, they both crash into that fact of newness, insecurity, and Phil's almost grateful because it means they  _ have  _ to take it slow. 

He's not going to overwhelm Dan and screw things up. 

He does, however, insist that Dan start sleeping in his bed again. He's missed it too much not to insist it and as they head to bed that night, Phil leans over and kisses Dan soft to the corner of his mouth. “G'night, Bear,” he murmurs. 

“G'night, Philly,” Dan teases him. Phil carefully, almost shyly, moves to rest his head on Dan's shoulder. “Not gonna tell me off for calling you that?” Dan asks, wrapping an arm around Phil's back and rubbing a little. 

“Kinda like it now,” Phil admits. 

Dan's laugh is low and vibrates Phil's chest. “You can never tell me off again then about it, now that I know that you like it. I can call you it all I want and you just have to put up with it.”

Phil thinks he'd put up with just about anything from Dan, as long as it kept Dan's arm wrapped around him, holding him there. 

“Is this strange?” He asks. Because it does feel a bit strange, to be resting his head on another guy's chest. Because he's never dated someone as tall as him, who is in fact, taller, and somehow, limbs actually matching up in length, legs meeting and bumping almost awkwardly, he just feels nervous about it all. 

“Yeah, a little,” Dan says. “But I told you last night, I have no idea what I'm doing but I'm with you one hundred percent on this. I'm not backing out because of a little unfamiliar territory.” 

Phil sweeps his hand over Dan's stomach, tucking it under Dan's shirt. “How come you sleep with your shirt on when you're in my bed when we both know you sleep shirtless?” 

“You sleep shirtless too and you slept with your shirt on before,” Dan protests. “It just seemed like I shouldn't be shirtless in bed with you before. I mean, we weren't exactly in this situation then.”

Phil eyes Dan, fighting back a smirk. “Situation's a bit different now though,” he comments, casually. Dan lifts an eyebrow at him, meeting his gaze and holding, giving him a look that's something between teasing him and actually asking,  _ are you serious? _

Phil lifts himself up and tugs his shirt off, tossing it to the side, letting his weight settle on his elbow as he looks at Dan. “If you're not comfortable with doing it, you don't have to, but. I mean, I know you'd probably sleep better if you were comfortable.”

Dan keeps his eyes trained on Phil as he sits up enough in bed to yank his shirt over his head and then drops it on his respective side of the bed and Phil almost has to force his eyes not to divert down to Dan's chest and stomach as much as he wants to. 

He may be completely clueless about what they're doing but it's not like he doesn't want Dan, incredibly so. Instead, he resettles, lying his head against Dan's bare chest now. 

Dan touches Phil's stomach and runs his hand up it, skimming across Phil's chest hair. “This is weird,” he murmurs. “Never touched a guy like this. Never had chest hair under my hands when I was busy touching someone.” 

Phil bites his lip. He speaks quietly. “That's why I want to take things slow. Because of it being weird.” 

“Yeah,” Dan agrees. He breathes in deep and lifts Phil's head as he does so, exhaling heavily. “I'm sorry, by the way. That I find it weird.” 

“You're not the only one, Dan,” Phil tells him. “I mean, yeah, I want a lot of things right now from you but at the same time, my head's just full of all these thoughts like, I can't even handle it right now.” Even as he speaks, he's curling his arm over Dan's chest, tucking himself in under the blankets more securely as Dan pulls his hand back.

Dan squirms a little. “You're heavy,” he complains. Phil feels guilty and starts to pull back but Dan catches him. “Didn't say I minded.” 

It's all so new and Dan's hand comes to rest in Phil's hair, stroking it, mussing it up. They can't sleep, too many ways to first touch each other in this new way, little fleeting moments that Phil tries to memorise. 

“The kissing, though,” Phil finally mumbles. “You like it, right?” 

“Hm?” Dan manages. “Whu-yeah?” He sounds confused for a second. “Yeah, Philly. I like the kissing.” 

“Can we do more of it?” Phil asks quietly, lifting himself up from Dan's chest. Dan's got a shy smile on his face and he turns and presses his face into the pillow. 

“You're asking permission,  _ now _ ?” Dan's taking the piss with him and Phil gives a one-armed shrug until Dan reaches up and catches Phil with both hands behind his neck, pulling him back down, pulling him in to meet his mouth briefly.

“Yeah, we can do more of it if you'd like,” Dan tells him and that's all Phil wants to hear. He kisses Dan more securely this time and after a moment, feels Dan tilt his head slightly, tipping his mouth open and this is new, feeling the wet glide of Dan's tongue just skimming over Phil's lips and he briefly parts his own mouth to meet Dan's tongue, sighing. 

“Pushing boundaries?” he manages to get out, words sliding out between kisses that are glib and playful. 

“Wanted to see what you'd do,” Dan tells him, pulling him in tighter and doing it again and it's not unpleasant at all and Phil happily, lazily lets their tongues meet for moments, drawing back and coming together again after a bit, over and over, until he's a little heady from how happy he is. 

Dan's fingers are slowly stroking over Phil's back, tracing some pattern, and Phil wishes he could be touching Dan but he's too busy supporting his weight so he doesn't crush Dan, when Charlie begins to whimper. 

“Got him, don't worry,” Dan whispers to Phil and Phil watches as Dan gets out of bed, gazes at Dan's collarbones and chest and abdomen for the brief moment before Dan turns and is crossing over to pick up Charlie. 

“He's wet, I'll change him, and I'll give him a bit of applesauce too, so he's not hungry when he goes to bed again.” Dan says. “Go to bed, I'll be back in a bit.”

Phil listens to Dan changing Charlie and then singing to him softly as he takes Charlie into the kitchen and Phil strains to hear the song. It's a dance song, he can't remember the artist, but Dan's not a great singer but he's not terrible either, “Blacked out, everything's faded, on your love I'm already wasted, so close that I can taste it now, something something out of this gilded cage,” Dan sings to Charlie. 

“Why are you singing to my baby?” Phil calls. He wonders if he should correct it to “our baby”. He doesn't – he figures Dan knows what he meant. “You never sing to him.” 

“Dunno, song's just been stuck in my head. Is it keeping you up?” Dan calls back. Phil glances at the clock. It's only 11:17. 

“Not super late, so don't worry,” he finally answers. He lies there on his back and eventually when Dan comes back in, he puts Charlie in his crib. 

“Gonna sleep now, Charlieboy? Let your daddy get some rest?” and Charlie utters a content, “da-da,” in reply to that. 

“Daddies,” Phil does correct Dan, watching Dan. The only light in the room is the little night-light they leave on for Charlie, and he sees the faintest smile touch Dan's mouth. “Still want that?”

“Of course,” Dan tells him. “That one's easy enough to answer.” 

When Dan crawls back into bed, he hesitates and then kisses Phil. “Good night,” he says , and it's domestic and a little silly and they both kind of giggle, until Dan's lying his head on Phil's chest and that's not so funny, so Phil closes his eyes and focuses on Dan's nearness. 

 

The next time things get at all heated is, funnily enough, about the least erotic time, when they're both barely awake and in an awkward situation, when Dan catches Phil basically snorfling down Dan's cereal dry. Phil couldn't sleep and he'd crept out of bed and was sitting at the kitchen munching on generic cinnamon squares of cereal and at some point, Dan's woken up and Phil hears him come into the kitchen and then stop. 

Phil yelps even as he looks up and then gets up, shoving the cereal on the table and quickly darting into the lounge. “Wasn't doing what you think I was doing,” he says quickly, and Dan follows him, laughing softly even as he makes a frustrated growling noise. 

“Always with the lies!” Dan tells him and Dan's tired but he's faster than Phil and grabs Phil, knocking him off balance, knocking him. “We're going on what, five years now of the lying?” 

Phil's laughing too as he tries to get up but Dan's got his legs caught under his own and is twisting his ankle to trap Phil and they're half-on the couch and sliding onto the floor slowly, Dan fighting for Phil's hands and Phil unable to get away as Dan catches them and they slide and then thump onto the ground, shoved against the couch, Dan holding Phil down, holding his wrists.

“Say you're sorry,” Dan tells Phil, and he's got such big hands that he can cross Phil's wrists between one palm and hold it, even as his other free hand now comes to rest directly on Phil's side. “Or I'm tickling,” he threatens. 

Phil's already squirming at the touch, not actually scared but responding in desperation, “I'm sorry, I'm such a shameful person!” and that doesn't deter Dan from tickling anyways, Phil letting out peals of giggles that Dan shushes, letting go of Phil's hands to cover Phil's mouth, hissing, “Charlie!”, even as his fingers dig in right where Phil arches and throws his weight, trying to get away. 

Thankfully, having his hands free means that Phil can grab at Dan and tickle back and Dan's determined not to break even as his face starts to flush and he bites back hard on his lip, making tiny squeaks, jerking above Phil away from Phil's touch.

But Dan's tickling of Phil gets weaker and weaker as he stops being able to focus on what he's doing to Phil and instead is only able to focus on Phil's fingers on his skin, trying to make him laugh and finally he cracks, falling away and lying on the floor, face-down, muffling his face into the carpet, laughing hysterically. 

Phil is a gentleman and good enough winner to stop tickling immediately and Dan manages to get his composure back fast enough. It's now quarter past three in the morning and they're both wide awake and Dan's grinning at Phil. 

It's mostly dark and it's hard to see, the only light being that from behind the lounge window and the wireless router that flashes its tiny lights as it sends information out and receives it back. 

“I swear to god, always with the bloody cereal, Phil. I'm enrolling you in some kind of addictions program.” 

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” Phil placates him, even though he knows Dan's not actually too upset. “I just couldn't sleep and -”

“Yeah, I know, midnight or three am snack or whatever. But always with my cereal,” Dan grumps. 

“It's so much tastier than mine,” Phil protests. Dan leans down and poses to tickle him again and Phil gasps. “No, no!”

“You owe me,” Dan tells him. “Cereal-thief. You have to make it up to me somehow.” 

Phil's not entirely focusing on Dan's talking anymore because now that they're quieter, now that things have calmed down and aren't as frantic and tickly, he's focused on Dan in just his boxer shorts lying on top of him, chest half-pressed to Phil. 

His brain fizzles out a little and without thinking, he leans in and kisses Dan firmly and his hands run down to catch Dan's waist, touching the skin, needing to touch. 

“Oh-” Dan's voice is muffled. “What, is this your way of making it up to me?” He's smiling, fingers finding Phil's hair and fluffing up Phil's fringe into a sloppy quiff. 

Phil breaks away. “No, I just – you're on top of me and mostly naked and I kind of forgot what I was doing,” he explains. 

Dan groans and presses his face into Phil's chest. “Phil. I was flirting with you, I was giving you a way to continue the kissing and you completely failed.”

“Oh,” Phil says, abruptly. “I really am getting worse at flirting as I get older, aren't I,” he adds after a moment. 

Dan's shaking with silent laughter above him, whispering out things like, “you're a freaking idiot, Phil,” and “I can't even handle this right now,” in between the giggles, and Phil makes a noise somewhere between a sigh and a groan, head falling back against the carpet. 

Dan's laughter gets under control again a minute later and he rests his chin on Phil's chest, ducking his face forward briefly to kiss. That's nice, Phil thinks, and then Dan's shifting, kissing his throat and that's even nicer, and Dan's mouth is skimming over Phil's jaw and up to his mouth and Phil stops thinking for a while then. 

Dan's never kissed him and touched him while Phil was shirtless and Phil's never told Dan about how sensitive his nipples are and as Dan's fingers skim up, both palms flat on Phil's stomach, then his chest, and they brush his nipples on the way to clutch his shoulder, Phil actually shudders under him and lets out a breathy, “-ah,” gasping a long noise at Dan's mouth.

“What?” Dan asks, pulling back. “You okay?” He's already sitting up and Phil catches him, pulling him back down to kiss him again. 

“Fine, trust me,” and Phil would happily let it go in order to focus on Dan kissing him but Dan's mumbling against his mouth. 

“Why'd you make that noise, then?”

Phil actually is blushing because he's never really told anybody about how sensitive this part of his body is – sure, it's all good and nice to focus on a girl's nipples, but guys generally don't receive that treatment and it's a little weird – and he hesitates. “It's kind of embarrassing,” he says. 

“Anything that makes you make a noise like that is definitely not embarrassing,” Dan tells him. “That sound was borderline pornographic.”

Phil's still blushing and he reaches up blindly for the couch, finding a pillow and dragging it down to his face and mumbling the words into the pillow. 

“Don't understand a word you're saying when you're doing that,” Dan says. “Lift your head up,” he tells Phil. 

“You can't laugh at me when I tell you this,” Phil orders Dan, even as he lets Dan settle the pillow under his head and neck. “Thanks, by the way.” 

“I won't laugh.” Dan promises him. 

“I have, um, really sensitive nipples.” Phil tells him, watching Dan's face. Dan looks briefly surprised and then like he's musing it over. 

“Oh, that's it?” Dan finally replies. His mouth quirks into a half-grin and he lets one hand come to rest on Phil's chest, fingers stroking over the skin, slowly shifting towards Phil's nipple. 

When he reaches, he lets his thumb brush it, soft, then firmer, nail just scraping at it, and Phil's mouth parts as he tries not to audibly gasp again. “Fuck,” Dan says, sounding amazed. “Really sensitive. You weren't lying.” 

He leans in and brushes his mouth over Phil. “So just how bad is it? If I were to just do … this?” He tweaks the nipple between two fingers and Phil hisses out a noise of pleasure and Dan takes that opportunity to deepen the kiss. 

There's no playful banter between them anymore, cereal forgotten, and instead, Phil can feel himself stiffening in his pyjama pants and he rolls his hips into Dan's mindlessly, forgetting that they're taking it slow, and Dan kind of makes the same gasp that Phil's made just a moment ago. 

“Sorry,” Phil exhales, stilling himself, forcing his hips back towards the floor and Dan presses his face into Phil's throat, breathing in a little faster than normal. 

“No, it's okay, um,” and he shifts, and then Phil can feel that Dan's getting on quite well himself, and they're frozen in that position. “This is so weird,” Dan breathes into Phil's neck. “Never had a guy's dick digging into my own, never been hard because of another guy.”

“I'm literally not going to move,” Phil tells him. “Because I don't want to scare you off.” 

Dan kisses Phil's neck carefully, cautiously, mouth feather-light. Phil's eyes flutter shut at that and Dan does it again and then slowly, he drags his weight just enough to grind down, sending sparks down Phil's spine and Phil catches his noise just in time, mouth falling open, head arching back slightly and Dan does it again. “Work with me here, Phil,” Dan tells him dryly. 

“You want me to be, um. Rubbing back?” Phil asks. “Thought you said it was weird.” 

“Gotta get used to it somehow, though,” Dan reminds him. Phil risks settling his hands on Dan's waist, then pushing down a couple more inches until they're on Dan's hips, almost brushing the curve of Dan's bum with the tips of his fingers. 

He locks one leg over Dan's and meets Dan's movement this time, making Dan shiver. “Kiss me on the lips?” Phil begs, because Dan's mouth is still on his neck, but he needs to be kissing Dan on the mouth, as if it's somehow going to make things more secure and not new and scary. 

Dan complies and then they're lying there, grinding into each other slowly, aligning their erections and each bit of pressure is working up Phil, and Dan goes from mostly hard to completely hard and he's thick and warm, the weight of his cock, even through Phil's pyjamas. 

Phil wants to reach down and actually touch but he doesn't dare. Instead, for what feels like an hour but is probably only just a few minutes, he focuses on feeling Dan working against him wordlessly, kissing him, and when Dan finally breaks away, panting, “need to stop, getting a little too worked up,” Phil doesn't push it. 

Dan kneels, sitting on Phil's lap, and Phil hazards a glance down and he doesn't think he's going to survive this glance, shadows covering Dan's body, just enough light to make out how hard Dan is in his boxers, just enough light to see how the fabric of Dan's boxers are stained slightly darker, sticky where there's precome, and Phil has to forcibly shove his hands under his thighs at that exact moment so he doesn't reach and touch.

“Anything you want to do?” Phil asks, instead. “That you're comfortable with?” 

Dan's quiet. “Suggestions?” 

“I could – um. I could help you out. Or you could just – rather, we could to ourselves. Together. Like we are now,” Phil stammers. Maybe, if he didn't sound like a petrified twelve-year-old, it might have worked. 

“Um.” Dan breathes out. “I'm.” He kind of flusters. “Maybe not just yet,” he answers. “I'm gonna just go use the bathroom really quick and then you can use it – or if you want to go take care of things in the bedroom and I'll just meet you back there?” 

“Yeah, uh. That works.” Phil thinks he may actually have regressed to being a twelve-year-old for the shame that runs through him. He'd actually somewhat forgotten how embarrassing this is, the first time wants that get shoved aside in favour of stumbling words between two people who have no idea what they're doing yet. “I'll just close the door and open it when I'm done,” he adds.

Dan gets up, one knee cracking, and he offers a hand to Phil, who puts the pillow back on the couch as he takes said proffered hand and rises and he honestly isn't even sure he wants to jerk off now, embarrassed as he is, until Dan sneaks in and kisses him again, wrapping his arms loosely around Phil's shoulders, lining his body up against Phil's again. 

“Just not yet,” Dan tells him again. “But I definitely was considering it. The, ah, second idea.” Phil wonders what it would be like to watch Dan stroke himself off while sitting on Phil's chest. 

And just like that, he's wondering exactly why the hell he wasn't planning on having a wank when he could be thinking about that train of thought and knowing that Dan's probably thinking about him at the same time and embarrassment is put aside for the moment as he watches Dan walk, almost shyly, glancing back at Phil, towards the bathroom. 

Phil heads for the bedroom and he closes the door. He leans against it, hips canted forward as he slides his hand down inside his pyjamas, palming his hardness over his boxers, then pushing under those as well. 

He doesn't have to think about anything – as a guy, physical touch is enough – but he lets his train of thought travel to the idea of Dan sitting, cock pulled out of his boxers, jerking himself off. 

From what he could feel, Dan's thicker than Phil is, though a little shorter in length, although Phil's always taken a slight pride in being above average in that category so Dan's probably just about average anyways there. 

He pictures that, Dan's slim, long fingers wrapping around his cock and tugging, whether he'd play over the head or not, if he would smear the precome down, if he might play with his balls, if he'd twist his wrist as he stroked, so many options to consider that Phil needs to find out, and those thoughts flood him and he's ridiculously worked up in about ten seconds flat. 

He's actually embarrassed by it. He's almost thirty and in ten seconds, Dan can get him right on the edge without even being there, just by letting Phil think about him. This does not bode well for any actual physicality they're going to get into. 

He strokes fast, not sure how long it'll take Dan and not wanting to keep him waiting outside, or even standing outside and able to hear Phil and Phil clamps down on the noise that threatens to emerge from him as he comes, a sticky mess in his boxers and sweatpants.

As his head clears, he strips down to nudity and throws his dirty clothes into the laundry bin, picks out new boxers, tugging them on, and then opens the door a crack, crawling back into bed.

A couple of minutes later, he hears the water running from the bathroom sink and then Dan's rejoining him, hands still slightly wet from washing them. “You good?” Dan chances to ask. 

“Yeah. You?” Phil's blushing again now, now that his hormones are out of the way, because it's just as embarrassing as before. His voice is a breathy squeak, obviously shameful.

Dan wraps an arm over his side. “It'll get easier, Phil.” He reassures Phil, resting his head on Phil's chest. “I'm comfortable with this, anyways.” He kisses right below Phil's earlobe and Phil nods, turning his face so that he's almost nose to nose with Dan, kissing him briefly. 

“Sleep now?” Dan suggests. Phil nods again, half-hearted, letting his brain stop, pushing out all the thoughts fluttering about. And then there's quiet, there's Dan's warm nearness, and Phil sleeps.

 

Dan's twenty-fifth birthday is coming up in about a week and a half and Phil can't find the right gift for him. It's got to be perfect. 

Phil was planning on doing a bit of shopping when he went to visit his mum with Charlie but remembers that she wants Dan to come with on the next visit and so he'll have to wait on that, instead asking Dan if he wants to come with.

“I think my mum wants to just, you know, spend time with you if you're, um,” Phil's not sure what Dan is to him yet. They haven't put a term to it. Just that they're now two people who are attracted to each other and raising a baby together. “You know.”

“Yeah.” Dan ducks his head as he kisses Charlie's tummy and wrinkles his nose. “Oh, stinky baby, you need a changing.” He picks up Charlie. “And yeah, I'll come with.” 

So they get ready and when they arrive at Phil's parents' house, she greets Phil and Charlie with a hug and a kiss and then gives Dan the same treatment. “Hello, Dan,” she says kindly. 

Dan looks almost embarrassed at her affection towards him, even though he's practically been a member of the Lester family anyways for years. Phil almost instinctively reaches over and catches Dan's hand, sliding his fingers between Dan's, shifting Charlie's weight over to his side and cupping his baby under his butt as Charlie hangs onto his shirt. 

“So,” Phil's mum says. “How are you?” She reaches over to take Charlie from Phil and Charlie tells her, “gamma, hi,” and she smiles brightly at her grandchild. 

“He's getting on with words now, is he?” She asks. She glances at Phil and Dan's hands tangling briefly and Phil can see the happiness in her eyes.

He is so grateful that his mum isn't judging and just wants him to be happy. He really is.

She's bought Charlie some vanilla wafers, offering Phil and Dan something as well, though they refuse. Charlie chews one thoughtfully. He's never had one before and he seems to like them so she pours out a few more for him at the table where he's sat on her lap and he settles down to munching contentedly.

The visit is easy-going, Phil and Dan talking about Charlie's life and what they've been doing recently. Phil's mum asks Dan if they're doing anything for Dan's birthday and honestly, while PJ and Chris are coming over the day after because Dan's going home for his birthday, they're not planning anything big. 

Phil wishes he could just think of the perfect gift for Dan. He feels completely blank and awful that he hasn't gotten anything for Dan yet. He's gotten a gift from Charlie for Dan, having ordered a book that Dan wants and signed the card from Charlie, but now he's got nothing to get Dan. 

Would it be bad to reappropriate his gift from his son? Technically, Charlie has no idea what Dan's birthday means. Phil ponders this as Dan talks to his mum and eventually comes to the decision that no, he will not do that, he'll just have to figure it out. 

He was thinking, briefly, on buying Dan twenty-five gifts, starting at a quid and going up a quid for each gift, until he'd done a quick adding on his phone and realised it would be 325 quid, which would be just slightly mental. 

He spends most of the day thinking and decides, finally, to buy seven gifts, one for each year he's known Dan. 

He goes on Amazon and proceeds to go on a shopping spree. One gift is cheap enough, just a package of markers for their cat noses, what started it all online. He buys Dan a book of classical sheet music, because he's always loved hearing Dan play the piano. He tries to find anything decent to represent living in Manchester together, failing, and ends up just browsing until he finds a decent poster of the skyline of Manchester and adding that to the cart and Dan will probably hate it and think it's stupid and Phil doesn't care, because it'll still make Dan smile even as he bemoans it. 

He buys Dan a coffee mug – even though they have way too many as it is – after deciding they don't have to represent one thing for every year, especially because by 2012, they have too many moments between them to pick. He buys a CD that he knows Dan will like and then a horror film that he knows will creep Dan out, because it preys on every single thing that Dan doesn't believe exists that somehow still inexplicably terrifies him.

While browsing for something llama-related, Phil finds children's books about a family of llamas and adds one in the cart for the final year – it's something that Dan can read to Charlie. So it's kind of a gift for both of them, Phil decides. 

He gets two-day shipping and pays for it all and he's lying on his bed, happy that he finally figured out what to get Dan, when Dan comes in and drops onto his bed, hard enough to half-bounce Phil upwards. 

“You're going to break the frame,” Phil complains. Dan tucks Phil's hair behind his ear and leans in and kisses his cheek and Phil thinks he might be blushing bright red. Somehow, the interactions that seem oddly domestic, like when he caught Dan's hand earlier, when Dan kissed him goodnight, they make Phil blush compared to the heated moments. 

Maybe because the heated moments, he's too caught up in things to overthink, as compared to when it's something small and nervous and new, where he proceeds to completely overthink, focusing on every single thing he's doing and wondering if it's wrong. 

Maybe because he's never expecting for things to heat up between them. He's busy musing about this when Dan kisses him again. 

“Hey, Phil, I'm trying to be sweet to you here,” Dan murmurs against his shoulder, pushing up Phil's shirt to kiss the skin there. 

“Sorry,” Phil apologises and closes his eyes. “Go on then,” he encourages. Dan huffs a chuckle into his skin. 

“Lazy man,” Dan tells him. “Can't even be arsed to pay attention to me while I'm trying to pay attention to you.” 

Phil smiles at that without opening his eyes. “Come here,” he requests, pulling gently at Dan's shirt. “I'll pay attention to you,” he promises and Dan obliges, moving in until Phil can feel him hovering, balancing, and Phil opens his eyes to find Dan looking at him with those deep brown eyes, mere centimetres away. 

“Hi,” Phil smiles, melting a little under that gaze. He leans in and captures Dan's mouth with his own, cautious and sweet. Dan hums a noise of contentment and Phil strokes his fingers through Dan's hair, cupping his jaw. 

Dan slides on top of him and links their fingers, drawing Phil's arms up until they rest above his head on the pillow. He kisses Phil more fiercely. “Definitely make you pay attention to me,” he breathes into Phil's mouth. 

Dan's the one pushing boundaries, pushing up Phil's shirt and then tugging it off, sitting up to tug his own shirt off and Phil reaches, touches, sweeping his fingers from Dan's shoulders to his chest, smoothing across his stomach, stroking up Dan's back, and revels in watching Dan shift on his lap. 

“Enjoying yourself?” Dan teases Phil. “You're just, like, petting me.” 

Phil doesn't know how to say,  _ I want to know every inch of your body _ when they can't even get past above the waist touching without blushing, so he just stays quiet for a minute, still touching Dan gently, before letting his hands fall to the side. 

“I was going to see if you wanted to take things further,” Dan informs him. Phil meets his eyes and even as Dan bites his lip, lifting his eyebrow and leaning forward so that Phil can feel Dan's hardness, he looks nervous. 

“We might wake Charlie,” Phil says, not wanting to shoot down Dan but knowing that Dan's not ready for more just at this moment. “Tomorrow, maybe?” 

Phil's stunned he's able to keep his morals this strong when he wants nothing more than to touch Dan. When Dan's expression goes from momentary confusion and hesitation at Phil's denial to a strange sort of relief, Phil knows he's made the right choice. 

That doesn't, however, stop him from rolling Dan and finding a spot low enough on Dan's collar that whatever shirt he wears will hide and marking Dan there with a languorous series of kisses and nips until Dan forces Phil away, gasping out, “If you don't want me to wake up Charlie with noises, you have to stop,” and Phil decides that's as good as any a time to let things fall to the wayside for now. 

“So you're sending us to bed with blue balls,” Dan notes. “Yeah, I'm really glad about the relationship upgrade. This is actually worse than not having sex at all,” and Phil grins at Dan's sarcastic commentary. 

“Fucking sadist,” Dan whispers to Phil. 

“It'll be worth the wait,” Phil promises him in return. “Trust me when I say I will make this up to you.” 

“Several times over.” Dan assures him. “Trust me on  _ that _ .” Phil grins even harder at that, pressing his face to Dan's shoulder, kissing there. 

“I don't think I'll mind, to be honest,” Phil admits and Dan chuckles very quietly at him. 

“Go to sleep. Tomorrow will come sooner that way,” Phil informs him. That, at least, is easy enough to do with Dan, having Dan curl up against him,  and it's familiar and comfortable to have Dan in his arms now. 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys. It only took 90,000 words, 21 chapters, a year and almost three months of time in-verse, but we finally got around to what y'all have been waiting for! (i swear some of you were about to internally implode if it didn't get here soon enough) 
> 
> warning probs don't read this one around children or your parents ;) shorter chapter than we've been averaging these last few but given that it's quite literally entirely a chapter of porn i'm actually surprised it's as long as it is anyways

When Phil wakes up the next day, it's to soft noises coming from Charlie's crib and he opens his eyes and peers at his son standing up, holding his stuffed zebra. In the last month, they've started letting him sleep with it.

"Morning, Charlieboy," Phil says, glancing over at Dan flopped out in a mess of limbs and sheets tucked around him, having stolen most of the blanket in his sleep.

Phil smiles and can't bring himself to be mad. Instead, he tugs up the blanket a little more so that Dan is in his own personal cocoon of covers and gets up to get his son.

He decides that before feeding and getting him dressed, he'll give his son a bath. Now that Charlie's too big for the sink, they use the shower, facing him away from the water spray.

Phil emerges from the shower with Charlie wrapped in a towel, his own boxers clinging to him in a wet mess. No matter how hard he tries to avoid the spray, it inevitably fails.

He dries himself off as best he can with a free towel and one hand, hair hanging forward onto his face and he ruffles it away, leaving it a damp mess.

Water still clings to his frame, inching down his spine and stomach and thighs and as he takes Charlie into the bedroom to put clean clothes on him, Dan is awake but determinedly not getting out of bed yet, fooling around on his phone.

When Phil enters the room, however, Dan stops and pauses from whatever app he's using and watches Phil, as Phil dresses Charlie in a blue shirt with a lion on it and white pyjama bottoms.

"Phil," Dan says slowly. "Do me a favour. Can you put Charlie in his crib and meet me in my bedroom so we _don't_ risk disrupting our kid?"

Phil almost wants to back out. He's still not sure Dan's ready for more. But Dan is staring at Phil with his eyebrow just cocked, lips barely pursed, and an intensity in his gaze that Phil can only stutter out, "Yeah, of course," putting Charlie down with a kiss, giving him back his stuffed zebra, and promising to be back soon.

He'll give it fifteen minutes and keep Dan at bay that long and then he can go check on Charlie and he won't overwhelm Dan with getting more physical than Dan's actually ready for.

He's not expecting Dan to be up and out of the bed by the time he turns around from Charlie, let alone nuzzling his mouth and sliding a hand around his hip and letting out a noise that's somewhere between a hum and growl, pushing Phil almost roughly into the other bedroom.

"D'you know what you look like all damp and messy-haired?" Dan asks, finding the juncture between Phil's chest and clavicle and biting.

"Like a drowned rat?" Phil gasps, because he can't imagine having looked _sexy_ but given how Dan's already pressing him backwards against Dan's bed until his knees give out and he sits down, looking up at a shirtless Dan, apparently the look worked for Dan.

"You definitely did not look like a drowned rat," Dan informs him. He tugs his own sweatpants off and drops them on his floor which, given that he's staying with Phil, should not be in nearly the messy state it actually is in.

"How did your bedroom get so messy when you're not even in it ninety percent of the time anymore?" Phil asks, trying to distract Dan.

"Sheer talent," Dan tells him. "Now, did you want to talk or did you want to, um." He pauses.

Phil pounces at his silence. “Are you so sure you want to be doing this when you can't even say it?”

“Uh, yeah. Go ahead, tell me you don't want to.” Dan informs him, looking distinctly unimpressed by Phil's tactics.

“I want to. But I mean, I can't even bring myself to say it. So maybe we should wait.” Phil protests. “And I think I probably want to more than you, because I figured it out how I was feeling before you did and I've been stuck thinking about these things for like, three weeks now.”

“See? So you should be letting me do whatever you want me to be doing and just so you know, I could venture that after what you did to my throat last night, I don't care how bad your three weeks is, I could easily match it.” Dan finishes up breathlessly as he leans in and kisses Phil.

Phil kisses back, of course. He kisses Dan like there's no tomorrow, but he resolves to keep his hands firmly planted on Dan's blankets. What he doesn't expect for is Dan to reach down and actually catch Phil's wrists with his fingers and slide them up Dan's thighs, up over the fabric of his boxers, and forcibly place them on his hips, he doesn't expect Dan to straddle Phil and sink his weight down.

He also gets a moment of relief a second later when Dan yelps and Phil thinks that Dan was weirded out by the fact that Phil's dick was digging into him but when Dan groans and yanks at his own boxers, bemoaning Phil's clothing being all wet, Phil starts laughing.

“See, you got what you deserved. Tried to move too fast.” Phil tells him. Dan looks at him and suddenly Phil is filled with heat and need for the way that Dan's staring at him.

“Shuck those boxers off right this instant.” Dan tells him, voice quiet and intent. “I'm not sitting on those again.”

“Dan, I don't think you really want me to do that.” If anything, Phil's just as nervous about being naked in front of Dan for the first time since they've actually admitted they're attracted to each other as he thinks Dan might be about whatever they might get up to.

“Okay, I'm giving you two options. Either you take them off or I take them off for you.” Dan tells him, a smile touching his lips, even as he stares down Phil. “I don't know why you think I'm going to run screaming the second things get a little more heated. I mean, you talked me into starting a Youtube channel. You supported me through building that. And then through hosting a radio show together. And writing a book and going on tour together. And bleeding raising a baby together.”

“Okay, while I appreciate the sentiment of 'Thank you, Phil, for being a good chum', I'm failing to see how that is even remotely close to 'Phil, I'm going to get down and dirty with you now'.” Phil says, heart clambering into his throat.

“For fucks sakes, Phil,” Dan groans. “Do you not want to do this, like, are you genuinely that scared? Because if you are, I will stop. I won't push it. I'm not going to force myself on you.” He steps back, leaning against his closed door.

“No, it's not that at all. I just don't think you're ready for it.” Phil tries to explain. “It's only been, what, like a week and a half?”

“Phil, the only way we're going to find out if this works is if we actually try it. You told me we could give it a shot tomorrow and that was last night. It's tomorrow. I haven't backed out. So, boxers off.”

Phil swallows and stands, pushing down his pants and kicking them off to the side, very aware of his nakedness in front of Dan. He makes a point to not sit back down on the wet area where he was sitting before. Then, realising that Dan might do that kneeling on him thing again, he moves over even more, so that Dan's not forced to put his knee in it either.

He notices the way that Dan's not looking below Phil's chest, watching Phil shift about on his bed. “You're nervous,” Phil accuses him.

“Very much so,” Dan agrees. He looks Phil in the eyes. “Like you can't even imagine.” Phil's halfway to telling Dan that yes, he definitely can, when Dan's sliding his fingers under the hem of his own boxers and pushing them down and Phil resolutely keeps his eyes locked on Dan's, not letting himself look, refusing to break eye contact and risk making Dan feel uncomfortable because if Phil looks, he's going to eat Dan alive with his eyes.

So he just _doesn't_ look. He absolutely does not look. Dan's waiting and when he realises what Phil's doing, his faint smile curves up even more.

“I'm not going to break if you actually see me naked, Phil,” Dan says, voice only shaking slightly, and Phil gives this round to Dan.

He waits another few seconds longer until he genuinely cannot fight it and then lets his gaze fall slowly, _slowly, just inch your gaze down, Phil,_ he reminds himself, taking in, for the first time in decent lighting since this all started, Dan's collarbones and chest and stomach and Phil's stomach is already in knots and full of want and then -

 _\- christ, hipbones and finally, oh god, been aching to see this_ , and Dan's fingers are tying themselves into knots behind his back, Phil can tell out of the corner of his gaze, but he's too busy memorising the fact that Dan is standing in front of him and his cock is full and thick and hard and Phil wants, so badly his fingers twitch at his side.

He's breathless, quite literally, for a few seconds, and then inhales sharply and, completely the opposite of as slowly as he'd forced his gaze to fall, he abruptly tears his gaze back to Dan's eyes.

“Well?” Dan asks. His eyes are wide and Phil can actually see the pulse-point in his throat fluttering as he breathes, chest rising and falling more rapidly than normal.

Phil doesn't think Dan will be able to take him seriously if he says, _you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen_ , even though it wouldn't be a lie.

He opens his mouth to say something like, “I definitely approve.” What comes out is, in fact, “You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.”

Hm. Okay. He'll be having a discussion with his brain about actually controlling what it sends to his mouth later. Dan squirms and flushes, his cheeks pinking up, and then very quietly, he whispers, “Thank you, Phil.”

Trepidatiously, Dan takes the few steps back over to Phil and catches Phil's hand and places it on his hip. “Touch,” he encourages. Phil's looking straight up at Dan's face as he curls his fingers around Dan's skin and he doesn't touch. Instead, he tilts his head forward and kisses Dan's stomach, crosses to his hip, kisses there, knowing that Dan's cock is probably only a hair away from his mouth, and he looks up again and sees that Dan's eyes are half-shut, heavy-lidded, and he's _definitely_ breathing heavier right now.

Phil starts to kiss Dan's stomach again, moving up towards his chest, reaching to pull Dan down towards him, and he gets as far as Dan's collarbones before their positioning just doesn't let Phil go any further, as Dan settles his weight again on Phil, though he's seated further back, careful not to be actually sitting so that Phil's cock would curve up against the back of his thighs or directly into his arse.

“Lie down,” Dan suggests. Phil leans backwards until he can see Dan sitting on his lap and his eyes skirt downwards again and he takes in, again, the sight of Dan hard, the sight of his own cock, pressing forward towards his stomach, lifting out of the thatch of auburn-brown hair at the base.

Dan's own gaze flutters down and he lets out a breathy laugh. “Sometimes I forget you don't actually have black hair, Phil,” he comments. Phil's frankly amazed that Dan's voice only cracks once.

“So, on a scale of one to ten, how nervous are you?” Phil asks. “Because I'm a solid eight.”

“Oh, I'm going with about nine point eight.” Dan tells him. “Can't you feel my thighs trembling?”

Phil shakes his head. “Feel pretty steady to me.” He lets Dan know, pressing his palms onto them.

“Funny, they feel like jelly right now,” Dan whispers. “So, um. I'm. I'm going to do something.” He leans in and kisses Phil and they're naked, and he's not fully leaning down, holding himself up with his elbows, holding them from touching quite fully.

Phil reaches up and his fingers trail along Dan's spine and back and he rubs at Dan's shoulders lightly. If Dan wants to do this, they'll do this. And if they're doing this, then he's going to make it as comfortable and safe-feeling for Dan as he can.

“Take it as slow as you need,” he promises Dan as he pulls back to catch a breath and then leans back in for another slow, oxygen-depriving kiss.

“We're definitely getting good at this bit,” Dan comments in return a minute later. That much is true. Now, Phil knows just how to kiss Dan to make Dan sigh, how to nip at his lower lip and then tug it with his teeth for just a second, and Dan will actually shiver for him, he knows to press in his fingers just below the back of Dan's neck, between his shoulder-blades, to avoid Dan flailing at having his neck touched.

They go back to kissing, lazy, and Dan's thighs are pressing into Phil's and his chest and almost his stomach is touching Phil's but there's still definite space between what remains, and Phil makes sure to control his urge to rock his hips up.

Phil lets Dan tilt his head away, lets Dan kiss down Phil's throat and back up, back to Phil's mouth, lets Dan play his fingers through Phil's now almost-dry hair, and then he feels Dan shift.

He feels Dan's weight shift and Dan sinks forward and the space between them is closed and Dan's cock is definitely pressed into Phil's stomach, and Phil's is pressing into Dan, and Dan hesitates, he feels it in the kiss, but then he goes on kissing.

“You okay?” Phil breaks away to ask. He rubs a small circle over Dan's skin, right by his shoulder. Dan nods, pressing his face against Phil's cheek momentarily, and he shivers from Phil's touch.

“New, scary, really exciting all at once.”

Phil can feel Dan's heart pounding in his chest against his own skin. “Take it slow,” he repeats. “This can be enough.” For all Dan's bravado a few minutes earlier, he knows that it's melted away under the heat of what they're doing.

“Not today,” Dan tells him. Phil nods and gets ready for Dan to lift himself up and away, things aren't going to happen today, and Dan's lifting up like Phil expected but it's only to rest on one elbow, to slide his left hand down between them and then Dan's fingers are wrapping around the base of Phil's cock and Phil's hips jerk forward as he gasps.

“Don't you dare leave me hanging, Phil. I am not – I mean, if I'm in this, you're in this,” and Phil nods, eyes wide, staring at Dan, and he pushes his own hand down, fumbles and knocks wrists with Dan, and then he's got his own hand curling around Dan's dick and he strokes, he strokes how he likes to do it to himself, Dan's mouth parting and breath coming out of him in a harsh gutteral noise something between a pant and groan, and he buckles a little, his weight almost comes back down on Phil.

Then Dan's kissing Phil sloppily, like he can't concentrate enough on kissing well when he's busy starting to stroke Phil off, when Phil's busy doing the same to him, and Phil is almost glad he's nervous about this because it's going to keep him from coming in under ten seconds like he was worried about.

One thing he should have realised is that for as good as Dan is at doing the opening of Britney Spears' “Toxic”, the little heated noise there, Dan would sound exactly the same in bed except more so, because he's not restraining himself for radio or video, because his thoughts are being chased away by what Phil's doing to him, and oh god, Phil could listen to him all day.

“Fuck, yeah,” Dan groans out, sighing and moaning as Phil twists at the head of Dan's cock, slides back down and lets his fingers just palm his balls, stroking and squeezing there, then another stroke along the entire length, “fuck, come on, please, don't stop,” and he's making another needy noise that settles inside Phil and burns him, makes his stomach curl with lust.

He wants to make Dan sound like this for hours. He wants to lie Dan out and drag it out and spend a couple hours just making Dan breathless and begging like this because it is really, incredibly hot and satisfying to hear.

Dan's not exactly a slouch either with his own touching. Less sure than Phil, he's not straying from the steady rhythm along Phil's length, not exploring with touching elsewhere, but it still feels amazing.

Phil focuses on Dan, trying to gather his brain together, and he nips Dan's lip, sucks at it like he knows Dan loves, and Dan makes almost a whimper, and he's getting harder under Phil's touch, getting close, gasping as much.

Phil strokes faster, tightening his grasp a little. Dan's hips are moving in short rutting motions, chanting out a litany of “fuck, fuck, fuck” over and over under his breath, and then he's coming, pulsing under Phil's hand, spilling onto Phil's stomach with warm, thick spurts and that right there is what pushes Phil over the edge, arching up and head falling back and mouth parting to let out a stilted “Oh-h-h,” whine, Dan fumbling only momentarily through it, squeezing at the head to drag out the last few drops of come.

Phil's stomach is an absolute mess, covered in both his own and Dan's release, and when Dan drops to the bed next to him bonelessly, Phil glances around for Kleenex or something.

“Got something I can clean up with?” He asks a moment later.

“Ugh, shit, yeah, hang on,” Dan mumbles. He squirms across the bed and reaches down over the edge and comes back with a towel. “Not actually dirty, I just dropped it after drying off last time I showered and never bothered to pick it up.”

“It's amazing how focused you are on symmetry and making things look perfect in the Sims when your room looks like a hurricane smashed through it.” Phil comments as he swipes at the sticky pools of come on his stomach and chest.

“I'm just never in here anymore so I keep never bothering to clean it up,” Dan argues back. “I'm either in the lounge or the office or with you and Charlie in your room.”

When Phil's done, he throws the towel to the side. “Please remember to wash that before you use it again,” he comments. “You okay?” He continues in the same breath. “Not overwhelmed?”

“Completely overwhelmed.” Dan mumbles tiredly. “Felt amazing.” He starts to chuckle a second later. “AmazingPhil.”

“Shut up,” Phil tells him, cracking his own grin. “Seriously, are you okay?”

“Just tired out from all my nerves. Not nervous anymore. Kinda like, now that it's out of the way, I'm okay. It's out of my system.” Dan explains.

Phil rolls on his side. “Can I cuddle you?” he asks, not wanting to necessarily press his nudity into Dan without permission.

“Please feel free,” Dan lets him know and Phil stretches out, resting his head on his arm, sliding the other over Dan's side, and he shuffles in closer to Dan and then lines up their bodies until there's no curves or space between them.

“Comfortable?” Phil asks.

“Hmm.” Dan says, a noise of assent. He twitches when Phil strokes his fingers over Dan's stomach. “Not that, though. Too sensitive for touch right now.”

Phil stores that away somewhere in the new little area he has of the _Dan Howell more than friends_ section of his brain, post-orgasmic Dan is too sensitive to touch on his stomach for it to be enjoyable.

He risks a karate chop and kisses the back of Dan's neck and then ducks down between Dan's shoulders and kisses there, then finally nestles his nose at the base of Dan's hair. “We should get up. Do stuff. Charlie probably's wondering why he's stuck in his crib for the last twenty minutes when both of us are up and it's not nap or bedtime. Probably hungry by now.”

“I'm hungry,” Dan murmurs back. “I want pancakes. And eggs. And hash browns. Wanna go out for breakfast and get all that and a milkshake. Dunno why.”

Phil laughs. “All that and a milk shake. What an eclectic set of taste buds.” He teases. He props up on one elbow and nibbles at Dan's earlobe. “This too sensitive?”

Dan leans towards him, into the action. “Not at all,” he says, sounding pleased. “And I think sex must make me hungry. Good sex, anyways.”

That sends a thrill through Phil. Good sex. So they've definitely had good sex, according to Dan. Dan enjoyed it just as much as Phil. Well, to be fair, Phil should have had faith anyways, given how Dan sounded through it all, but it's still nice to have it be cemented home.

“Just for that compliment, if you want, I'll take you out for a day before your birthday breakfast wherever you want and make sure we get you a milkshake.” Phil says happily.

Dan rolls onto his back and looks at Phil with an expression of absolute fondness on his face. “Have I told you recently that I love you?” He asks.

“Not today,” Phil says, matching said expression right back at him. “Not yet.” He presses his palm to Dan's hip and leans in to kiss him, muffling Dan's 'love you, Phil'.

When he pulls back, he takes a final look at Dan, naked. “Just wondering,” Phil asks. “What are the chances of us repeating this morning tonight? We can make this the actual room where we do stuff so we don't traumatize our kid, if you want.”

Dan gives him a hazy smile. “If you treat me to breakfast and a milkshake and promise a repeat of what we just did tonight, I can one-hundred percent guarantee you that it will happen again tonight.”

Phil blushes. “Just checking. Go on, get dressed, I'll find something to wear, and we'll head out in fifteen minutes?”

Dan sits up and leans over Phil and leans in for a slow, nuzzling press of his mouth to Phil's. “Sounds good. Thanks, by the way. For not forcing us to take it slow today.”

“I'm an idiot sometimes, what do I know about whether we should take it slow or not?” Phil tells him and Dan snickers.

“Just a bit. Go on, get dressed.” He repeats Phil's words back at him and Phil gets up and even though he'll probably be seeing Dan in under ten minutes time, he steals a final kiss before he pulls on his damp boxers and heads back across the hall to his room to find something better to wear.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear originally I did not plan on writing PJ/Chris but um. Well. Have you seen them interact with each other? They're almost as bad as Dan and Phil ffs. Also hey, so chapters might be slower in coming out partially because I have much less plot outlined - I just have a few points I want to hit before the end of the story but now a lot of it is thinking up intermediary stuff - but also because I'm preparing for NaNoWriMo. :) Also I only recently found out that Chris kind of fell out of Dan and Phil's life for a couple years until recently, so I tried to make a quick note of that in the fic as well.

That night, they do have a repeat performance, less awkward, more casual, lazy almost. They fall asleep after returning to Phil's bedroom with Dan tucking his face into Phil's shoulders and an arm over Phil's back, legs splayed away from each other.

The next day, Dan visits his family for his birthday and spends the night and he doesn't come back until his little get-together is almost starting. Phil thinks he's screwed because the gifts don't arrive until the morning after Dan's birthday and he spends most of the morning wrapping them quickly and rather shoddily, something that Dan will, of course, give him shit for.

In fact, he's wrapping up the last of the gifts when the door opens and he quickly cuts the wrapping paper and shoves it down around the CD, so that it's covered, when Dan enters the room.

“Put it off to the last minute?” Dan asks, teasing him.

“They didn't get here until today.” Phil tries to explain. “Now go away so I can finish wrapping up your gift.” Dan eyes the packages around Phil.

“Spoiling me as much as your baby?” Dan pokes fun further. “I count seven packages?”

“Our baby,” Phil reminds him, and a little smile hits Dan's face. Even though Dan hasn't adopted Charlie, he's definitely Charlie's dad too now. “Is it weird, being a father at twenty-five?”

“Well, I was a father at twenty-four, if you go by everything I did for Charlie over the last year. It's a little surprising but I mean, I'm so used to it by now.”

Phil's taping up the gift, creasing the folds of the paper and tucking them under, and Dan examines them as Phil pushes them all into a pile.

“Still haven't gotten the hang of wrapping gifts neatly, have you?” Dan asks.

“Just for that, I'm not giving you a hello kiss,” Phil tells him. Dan smirks at him.

“Yes you are, you missed me too much to actually carry through on that threat.” Dan tells him and it's true, Phil really did miss him overnight. He missed Dan's warm body next to his in bed and so he gets up, crosses over, and kisses Dan, but chastely.

“That's all you're getting from me since you've been poking fun at me since you walked in the door,” Phil informs him.

Dan catches Phil's wrist as Phil pulls back and steps into Phil's space, his free hand catching Phil's jaw and caressing the skin as he leans in and kisses Phil warm and slow, deeply. “I'll be good,” he promises.

Phil thinks he might melt into the ground for the heat behind the kiss. Dan's an incredible kisser. He'd let Dan kiss him all day.

When Dan pulls back, he looks just slightly hesitant. “By the way – obviously Louise figured things out given that we had hickies and I was all over you but, um. I'm not embarrassed or anything, I just don't want to tell Peej and Chris yet.”

“That's fine,” Phil assures him. He was planning on being subdued anyways. “We can tell them whenever you're ready.”

PJ arrives first, with a big box of something for Dan. He hands it over with a big grin, goofy and almost pleased with himself. Dan takes it and shakes the box.

“It's light,” Dan proclaims. PJ nods and lets himself in around Dan. Phil moves to give PJ a quick hug hello and PJ returns it.

“Got anything to eat around here? I'm starving,” PJ makes himself at home easily in their flat and laughing, Dan leads him into the kitchen. “Then, I want to go see Charlie. Has he gotten any bigger since his birthday?”

“Chubster measures in at something like twenty-two pounds at his last doctor's visit and that was a month ago. He probably has put on more weight since then.” Dan informs him.

“Don't call our baby chubby,” Phil calls. “It'll go away on its own.” He catches the slip too late. PJ doesn't seem to notice or he keeps it to himself.

“So where's your other half?” Phil asks. Chris has always been much closer to PJ than Dan and Phil and with his announcement that he's bisexual in his twenty-five facts about himself video, Phil honestly is almost waiting for PJ and Chris to come out and tell them that they're together.

Hell, there's been enough innuendo in the videos that it wouldn't surprise him. One moment that sticks out in his mind is Chris managing to coerce PJ into rubbing suntan lotion on his back when they'd gone to the pool and the teasing way he'd flicked his tongue at the camera afterwards.

It gives him pause to think about. Chris all but flaunts his flirting with PJ but the two of them aren't together, meanwhile, he and Dan spent the better part of seven years telling people that they weren't together while sharing a profound closeness that rivals that of PJ and Chris.

Maybe they were blind all along. He shrugs the thought off and heads to get Charlie, who he'd put in his crib temporarily while he was wrapping up Dan's gifts.

“Hey Charlie, want to go see PJ?” He asks. “See our friend?” He brings Charlie out to say hello. “Wave hello,” Phil encourages and Charlie lifts his hand and waves it floppily around, fingers half-clamped on themselves.

“Hey there, Charlie!” PJ says cheerfully. “Are you going to be joining us while we all celebrate Dan's birthday?”

“Probably not,” Phil answers. “I figured I'd put him in his crib and give him some toys and we could hang out. I'd do some checking up on him every now and again. Unless you want him out, Peej. Or Dan.” He checks on Dan.

“Keep him out, I always appreciate Charlieboy being around,” Dan says. “Here, speaking of which, hand him over. I haven't seen my b-” he stops himself. “Um, haven't seen Charlie since I left. Did you miss me, Charlie?”

“Da!” Charlie says sunnily, reaching for Dan. They've noticed a small trend. Dan is “Da”, while Phil is “Da-da”, most of the time. Maybe because Dan's name is so similar to “da” to begin with.

“Hey there,” Dan tells him, plopping a kiss to his chubby cheek. Charlie grabs hold of Dan's fringe and tugs. “Nope, no premature balding, thanks,” he tells Charlie, loosening Charlie's fingers.

PJ is looking at Dan with surprise on his face and then at Phil. Neither of them catch it, though. Phil's busy trying to keep the fondness off his face as he gazes at Dan and Charlie together and Dan's busy straightening his fringe out while keeping Charlie's fingers out of it.

“Food, by the way, is whatever you want. Help yourself to anything. Especially my cereal. Phil certainly still does.” Dan informs PJ, who snickers at the comment.

“He hasn't kicked you out yet for it?” PJ asks Phil who just smiles faintly.

“For some strange reason, no.” He doesn't admit that the idea of Dan and him kicking either of the other out any time soon is a distinctly non-probable thing, given that they're definitely raising a kid together and now they're something more than friends.

The buzzer goes off a minute later, while PJ is opening a package of Jaffa cakes and biting into one.

“That'd be Chris, I presume,” he mumbles, crumbs scattering from the corners of his mouth.

“Gross,” Phil informs him. Dan goes to answer the door, taking Charlie with him. PJ pulls out a chair and continues to munch on Jaffa cakes. Phil isn't sure when they technically bought them – Dan's not big on them and he's not either – so those Jaffa cakes might be pretty old. He decides not to tell PJ that.

Sure enough, Chris has arrived. He brings Cranium and Phil will definitely have to put Charlie in his crib when they play that, what with the little pieces of plastic that will be scattering the board, although he does bring the crib out in the living room so that Charlie can at least watch what's going on.

They start out with PJ insisting on playing some of the 7 Second Challenge app games and that's hilarious, setting it to party mode and going for three rounds, passing the phone amongst themselves.

They've added tons of challenges since it first came out and some of them they've actually forgotten they've added so it makes for a nice surprise to get them, and after they've spent probably forty-five minutes laughing hysterically over the app, they break out Chris's board game.

The teams are obviously Dan and Phil versus PJ and Chris and while they argue about how to begin the game because the directions aren't very clear in Dan's eyes – he says that you have to pick the outside path initially and then you can try to get to the inside path while Phil argues that if you get it right on the first round you can go the inside path, they finally straighten things out with Dan giving up on the argument because he doesn't actually care that damn much anyways, in his own words.

Neither of them can actually draw worth a damn, nor use the clay to sculpt, but thankfully they know each other well enough to get most of the answers for Creative Cat things. Between Phil's degree in Language and Linguistics and Dan's general articulateness, the Word Worm questions are equally as easy.

Data Head questions are what really get them, things they're not always sure about, and the Star Performer are somewhat of a challenge, especially the humming ones.

For as close as PJ and Chris are, they're no match for Dan and Phil's almost freaky psychic-like link and after Dan and Phil have won two games in a row, Chris sighs and picks up his and PJ's game piece.

“I'm giving up, Peej,” Chris announces. “There's no beating them. They're just too damn close for their own good. They're going to pass it on to Charlie, I bet. It'll just be the two of them and a kid and they'll say like, four words and somehow it'll be an entire conversation.”

“Charlie's very smart. He reads non-verbal cues very well.” Dan announces. “You might be right. When me and Phil had a fight a few weeks back, Charlie was a wreck about it.”

PJ lets out an exaggerated gasp. “You two actually fought? Pray tell, what was it about?”

Well. There's no way, since Dan wants to keep things private, that they're going to admit what it was actually about and how they made up. So Phil invents something on the spot.

“He left Charlie's dirty nappy on the changing station and I was in a foul mood and took it out on him,” he lies.

“Yeah, Phil can be actually really scary when he gets mad.” Dan plays along easily.

“Oh, hah, you haven't seen yourself when you're angry.” Phil informs Dan. “Remember when you dragged me in the hall and were staring me down that one time when I was being a bit of a prick?” He's, of course, referring to when he was acting like Dan was unable to take care of Charlie properly. “Literally all I could think was even though you're only a few centimetres taller than me was you looked massive and you were so angry that I was almost afraid.”

Chris glances between them. “Another baby thing?”

Technically, yes, and Phil nods. “Having a baby is rough sometimes,” he declares. “Not that Charlie isn't worth every second of it.”

“So are you ever going to tell anybody any of the information about your kid's mum?” Chris asks, curious.

“Not sure what there is to tell.” Phil sticks with the lie he came up with, since _I woke up with a baby one day that wasn't there the day before_ clearly is not going to fly and honestly, he doesn't understand how it happened , he doesn't think he ever will, but there's no going back now.

Sometimes he's afraid he's going to wake up and it'll have been some weird unending dream or the universe he's shifted into will shift again and Charlie will be gone. Sometimes it actually terrifies him to think about that, so he just tries very hard to chase those thoughts away.

“Her name is Hannah, I got her pregnant, she didn't want the kid, I decided I did.” Phil tells Chris. “Honestly, it was a weird one-time thing. It ended up with the best thing that's happened to me, though.”

“No seedy tales? Nothing?” Chris jokes. Phil shrugs and glances at Dan. _Yeah, me and Dan are busy giving each other handjobs now. That seedy enough for you?_

Dan catches Phil's gaze and must know what Phil's thinking and while he doesn't smile, he doesn't cock his eyebrow, he doesn't give away anything, he holds Phil's gaze a second longer than he needs to and when he turns away, then he smiles.

Yeah, Dan knows what Phil was thinking.

They put away Cranium and end up putting on one of Charlie's baby films and somehow, four grown men and a baby end up watching a thirty minute cartoon aimed at toddlers.

It's definitely one of the weirder birthday celebrations Phil's ever been to. Dan excuses himself and gets them all a snack, bringing back drinks and a bowl of popcorn that they take turns stealing handfuls from.

Charlie wants to try it but Phil does a quick google on his phone for 'what age can infant eat popcorn' and finds out it's a bad idea so he gently guides Charlie's hands away and goes to get Charlie a banana instead, chopping half of it it up into little slices and bringing it out in a bowl, eating the other half himself.

“Banana, you like banana,” Phil tells Charlie, who is easily distracted by this new food, picking up pieces with his fingers and popping them in his mouth, mushing them a little as he does.

“Messy baby,” Dan says fondly. “Always such a messy baby. We'll need to give him a bath tonight or tomorrow, it's been a couple of days.”

“Ugh, you can give him a bath. He splashes so much,” Phil grouches. “Which is cute and all but at the same time, it's like, I don't want a bath with you.”

“Yeah, but there's no real way to avoid getting soaked in the shower either way, so might as well let him have his fun,” Dan points out.

“Fair enough,” Phil agrees. “I'll bathe him then, I suppose. You're reading him to sleep though. He likes it when you do that. You put more emotions into things.”

PJ and Chris are watching them bounce back and forth with their conversation.

“Absolutely domestic,” Chris announces to PJ. “Just when you thought they couldn't get worse, they go and have a baby together,” and PJ's just smiling and shaking his head again.

“You two planning on adopting him a little sister or anything at some point?” PJ teases them along with Chris.

Honestly, that's not a topic Phil has any interest in thinking about any time soon. He's pretty sure Dan doesn't either. “I'm busy still raising a toddler, I think we'll wait until he's able to go to the bathroom on his own before we look at bringing another kid into the mix.”

“We. He said we, not I. He really is domestic,” PJ snorts out a laugh and Phil blushes.

“I'm going to say we're changing the topic now.” Dan announces, but he's not sounding angry. If anything, he sounds almost amused. “I'd like to point out that given that I've helped raise Charlie, Phil makes an excellent point, though, about 'we'.”

“Just why have you been such a big part of Charlie's life?” PJ asks.

Dan shrugs. “Did Phil not tell you how I responded when he first brought home the baby? Hadn't told me or anything, just showed up. I wound up going home for like four days or something and didn't speak him to. Then I came back, ended up reading some of the books Phil had, was talking to Charlie and asking him if he was making things hard on Phil, Phil being a new daddy and all, and just … I don't know, I spent a little time with him and I started to like him and then I spent more time with him and just adored him and it took off. It was easy.”

Chris pretends to nuzzle PJ's ear. “Are we going to adopt any time soon?”

PJ shoves him away, laughing. “Getcher mug away from me,” he says cheerfully. “We're not adopting.” Though maybe, just maybe, Phil watches PJ and thinks PJ might be blushing a little himself.

He wouldn't have noticed it probably a month ago. It's a thing he's only noticing now because he's seen it on himself, with Dan, how he responds just slightly differently to Dan now, and PJ might be actually blushing a little from Chris's jesting words.

Phil wonders. He definitely doesn't tell them about him and Dan but he wonders if PJ and Chris might end up hooking up down the road. If they have in the past. Now it's a thing he's going to be curious about.

When eventually Dan gets curious enough about opening gifts, he finally coerces them into sitting down and letting him open his birthday prezzies. Chris, who over the last couple of years had sort of fallen out of contact with them and had only recently, right before Charlie came about, started to sort out whatever it was that had caused it, is probably the most insecure about what to have gotten Dan, so he just has gotten him all four Scream films as part of a box set.

The box that PJ brought gets opened and Dan puts out layer upon layer of tissue paper and bubble wrap, realising that it's a gag gift that, after opening a box big enough to probably sit in and close around Dan, at the very bottom is a DS game cartridge.

Charlie loves the tissue paper and they leave him to play with it, crinkling it up and throwing it about.

“Look at all the gifts that Phil got you,” PJ muses. “Geez, you must have really proven your worth as a babysitter.”

Dan unwraps each gift with more enthusiasm than the last and he loves the coffee mug, though he comments to Phil, “remember that I can barely read sheet music?” when he gets to that gift.

“Well, you can learn now. I like hearing you play piano.” Phil tells him. “I hope it's not too advanced for you?” He wasn't sure – the book lists itself for intermediate players – and Dan opens it and flips through the pages.

“I mean, once I write in all the actual keys, it won't be,” Dan says. Phil shakes his head at him disapprovingly.

When Dan gets to the Manchester skyline poster, he looks at Phil. “Strange gift, given that we live in London.”

Phil nods. “It started out with me kind of trying to represent each year I've known you. First gift was the markers for cat whiskers, then the poster, and then I realised it was going to be too hard to actually pick just one thing for a year from then on.”

“Oh.” Dan smiles. “It's kind of sweet, then.” He carefully rolls it back up and sets it to the side, out of Charlie's reach. When he opens the llama book, he glances at Charlie. “I see we have what I'll be reading him to sleep with. This represents this year, I take it?”

Phil nods. Dan runs his fingers over the cover of the book. “What do you think, Charlie? Should I introduce you to llamas? The thing that the internet made be a thing about me?”

“Can you say 'llama'?” Phil asks. Charlie just stares at him and stuffs a few fingers in his mouth. “Guess not. Can you say 'book'?” That one, he knows Charlie can do.

“B-k!” Charlie announces in response and Dan grins.

“Yes, let's show off Charlie's talents. The party's winding down, we need some new party tricks.” Dan says.

“Well, let's not let it wind down. Let's get a new video game to play. We could try picking up on New Super Mario Bros for the Wii. Add PJ and Chris to the game with us.”

Chris perks up at that idea. “Yeah, that's a good game, let's do that!”

“Wait, let me just open Charlie's gift to me.” Phil's made sure to write with his left hand so that his script is messy and it reads _to: dAn from: ChArliE_ with a backwards 'e'. Dan's chuckling and he carefully tears around the label so it doesn't get messed up, looking pleased at the book that “Charlie” got him.

“Thank you, Charlieboy,” Dan tells him. He tilts Charlie onto his back and blows a kiss to Charlie's tummy and Charlie squeals and kicks with delight. “Now, we're gonna put you in your crib for a bit while your father cleans up all this tissue and wrapping paper and bubble wrap because it's my birthday and I get to order him to do whatever I want and he has to do it, and I'll get the game going.”

Pretending to be off-put, Phil picks up his son and puts him in the crib, then sets about gathering all the various paper product on the floor into a pile, scooping it all up and carrying it rather haphazardly into the kitchen, where he stuffs it all down the trash can.

PJ follows him, trailing after with a few pieces of paper in his hand. “Phil,” he starts. “D'you ever wonder if ...” he pauses. He glances back at the lounge where Charlie, Dan, and Chris are. “Never mind.”

Phil peers at him but doesn't push it. If there's one thing he's learned in the last year, pushing personal matters is never a good idea.

“Chris is definitely sorry for whatever happened between you two and him.” PJ comments. “He's – I don't know, we got closer than we were before.”

Phil purses his lips. “Chris is good for you, Peej. You two get on so well. He's lucky that you and him stayed so close.” He tells PJ. PJ nods, glances back at the lounge again. “You should let him know that you appreciate him.”

There. He's said enough. One, he's implied that he supports PJ and whatever his endeavours are and two, maybe whatever's going on between PJ and Chris will come to a head if PJ actually talks about it.

When they go back to the lounge, Dan's sitting in his slump position with a controller on the corner of the couch. Chris had been visiting Charlie, whose crib is overlooking them, and Phil plunks himself down next to Dan, leans in and whispers as quietly as he can, “D'you think something's going to happen between Peej and Chris?” and Dan looks at him in surprise, looks at PJ who sits next to Phil, and there's not much room left on the couch so Chris joins them and practically swings his legs into PJ's lap as he sits in the tiny spot left.

PJ off-handedly hands Chris the fourth controller. “Get out of my lap, you freak,” he says but his voice is soft and Phil recognises that as affection. How he talks to Dan – playful and warm.

Dan looks at Phil with wide eyes. His mouth hangs open and his lips curve just slightly. “Yeah, I'm with you on that one,” he whispers back equally as soft.

Phil watches as Chris rests his head on PJ's shoulder lazily and PJ shrugs him off but a second later, reaches over to run his hand across Chris's hair.

Yeah, if they don't hook up sometime soon, Phil will eat his own hair. He'd put hard money on that.

Somehow, amongst many deaths and anguished screeching from all four of them, they make it up to world 5-3, saving and deciding to show off the Lets Play they were watching before, the Freelance Astronauts.

They click one of the more popular videos, which is one of the last stages, 8-5, and they watch, Chris and PJ laughing hysterically as they catch on to the interactions of the four players, as one of them navigates a platform over lava while singing drunken sailor shanties and the rest of the group fall into helpless giggling, trying desperately to stay alive as they hop on each other and floating bombs that drop down, trying to avoid lava spitting up from the screen.

At one point, one of them hits 100 coins and simultaneously throws the singing player into lava, leaving another to chirp “Somehow we got a one-up?” in confusion while the player who has been thrown into lava yelps, “Did you just mutiny on me?” and then they last a minute more before dying.

When the group starts the level again, immediately the character playing the blue toad who had been singing commandeers the platform and starts in on a new shanty, cheerfully, as the rest of them dissolve back into giggling, before dying all over again.

A few minutes later, the most drunk and most sarcastic of them is controlling the platform in yet another attempt to survive through a hellish level full of flying birds and lava spikes and platform hell and Chris and PJ are both equally as amused as Dan and Phil as he, stuck between a lava pit and a timer running out, declares “To hell!”, sending the platform shooting into lava as someone else screeches, “What the hell's wrong with you?”, and all four of them on screen are laughing so hard there are tears in their eyes probably, matching the four watching them.

They watch a while longer until finally Chris admits he has to head out soon. Chris leaves first with PJ lagging behind. He glances nervously at Phil as he leaves. “You sure there's nothing going on with you and Dan?” He asks, joking. His eyes are serious.

Phil bites back his response. “You should text Chris tonight how much you appreciate him,” he reminds PJ. It's the closest thing he can answer to a yes. It's so far from a yes but it's a reassurance for PJ.

Distantly, he thinks to himself, _This is hilarious, we all primarily and predominantly like girls and at the rate we're going, all four of us are going to be in gay relationships._

“You think he appreciates me back?” PJ asks.

“Peej,” Phil begins. Dan barges in behind him and proceeds to completely un-subtle everything Phil's been trying to say.

“Peej, go tell him you want to kiss him and if it gets you laid you owe me a tenner.”

Phil and PJ both bluster noises as Phil turns to look at Dan. “Ahem?” He asks. Dan shrugs.

“Phil's shit at giving romantic advice,” Dan comments. “Trust me, Phil is not who you want to go to for romantic advice.”

“Oh yeah, and you are, _you owe me a tenner if it gets you laid_ ,” Phil chastises Dan. “I would think the idea of a new relationship in a situation they've never had before is worth more than a ten pound note!”

“I think the idea of a relationship is what you should be freaking out about, guys, why aren't you freaking out?” PJ asks, a bit frantic.

“Ask us in a couple of months,” Dan advises. “That's all I'm saying.”

“I'm sorry, I'm still wondering why you two aren't freaking out at the idea of me and Chris being a thing,” PJ asks frantically.

Dan shrugs. “Seems obvious, I guess.” Phil doesn't want to give away _yeah, uh, we already had our own gay crisis, just go for it_ , so he nods.

“Yeah, you guys have that bond,” he agrees. PJ eyes them both.

“Well, if me and Chris have a bond, you and Dan might want to re-evaluate your relationship.” He objects. Dan starts laughing now, helpless. Phil turns away before he can colour and articulates that he's going to check on Charlie.

“See PJ out, Dan.” Phil adds as he leaves.

There's the last sounds of Dan and PJ talking as Dan exits the door with him and then the distant click of the front door and then Dan is returning to Phil, draping himself around Phil, kissing his ear.

“As birthday boy, a day late, I think I should be able to request whatever I want and you do it with me.” Dan declares.

“Within limits,” Phil breathes out, pleased at Dan going straight to a sweet spot and pressing him forward. “Bedroom?”

“Mm.” Dan agrees with him. “What would you like to do? Because I kind of want to do whatever you want.”

Phil thinks about this as Dan guides them to his bedroom and lays him out on the bed, finally coming up with, “Wanna have you wrap your legs around me and grind into me until you get off.” Because Dan has long legs that are absolutely mind-devastating and the idea of them curling around Phil's hips and thighs are equally destructive, and when Dan sighs out a contented noise, Phil knows Dan's on board.

“Shirt,” Dan murmurs, pushing up Phil's shirt and his mouth is soft on Phil's chest. “Might be exploitative,” he comments. Phil wonders oh so briefly until Dan's mouth comes to brush a nipple, comes to lip at it, teeth scraping, and he's never done that, and Phil inhales sharp. “Just like this,” Dan says, sounding pleased with himself.

He nips. He actually nips, teeth sharp and stinging, and Phil hardens fast and he digs his hands into Dan's hair. “Do that all day,” Phil begs.

“Hmm,” Dan comments distractedly, moving to the other nipple and repeating the action. “You might actually let me.”

“I'd let you do anything for this,” Phil groans. He's never had anybody actually focus on his nipples. He had no idea he was this sensitive. He knew he was sensitive, but feeling Dan's tongue and teeth and lips on his nipple, it's like overwhelming want rolling through him.

Dan bites, harder, and Phil actually whines. He gasps out, “Ohpleasechrist,” one long word hanging off his lips, twists his fingers into Dan's hair sudden and sharp, holding him there, “don't stop,” Phil whispers.

Dan lifts his mouth to look at Phil and his eyes are dark and almost glazed with want. “You're incredible, you know that?” He ducks his head back and swipes a tongue over Phil's nipple.

“Speak for yourself,” Phil murmurs, blushing. It's hard to concentrate when there's this much focused pleasure on him. He doesn't think he should be getting it all. He thinks Dan deserves some of the attention.

In fact, he thinks so much of the idea that he rocks their weight and flips Dan under him, realigns them so they're face to face, leans in and kisses Dan. Wordlessly, Phil tugs off his shirt, drops it on the floor next to them. He pushes up Dan's shirt and tweaks his nipples cautiously. Not done that to Dan yet and he wants to see if it works for Dan too.

“Not quite as sensitive as you,” Dan breathes. “Not that I don't appreciate the effort. But it doesn't grind my gears. Though speaking of grinding,” and he rocks his hips.

“Get there soon enough,” Phil chastises him, even as he sheds his own jeans and shoves at his pants. “Clothes off.”

There's the creaking of the bed as they discard clothing and then they're naked and it's only really the third time they've done this, and Phil shudders in pleasure at Dan's naked body under him.

“Legs up,” Phil murmurs out, nerves on edge but also what's pushing him to keep this going. He catches Dan's legs, holds them, as they slide up his calves, thighs, hitch around his waist, heels digging into his back, and he holds himself over Dan as he lines up their cocks, rocks his weight. “Still want this?”

“Definitely,” Dan breathes out. Dan's body is warm and his cock is full and pressed against Phil, sliding against Phil's matching erection and sliding away, and Phil shifts, tries to readjust, as Dan grunts and groans out a noise.

“Feels good, Phil,” Dan murmurs. Phil's head spins at Dan's voice and he rocks again, a little helplessly, wanting to make Dan sound that way some more.

Dan's heels dig into the flesh of Phil's back and he arches up, fingers hooking into Phil's hips, holding Phil tight. “Yeah, yes, that's good,” he mumbles agreeably, mouth finding Phil's neck and biting.

“Are you just absolutely intent on giving me a mark there?” Phil asks, even as he shifts his hips again and drags, holds Dan down and rubs his dick over Dan's. He shudders. It's still new and he wants it so much and he's mostly comfortable because they've been here before but still, he thinks about Dan naked underneath him with his legs around Phil and he breathes in sharp, feeling his cock twitch.

“You've got collared shirts,” Dan informs him. “Wear them for a few days.” He bites down harder and Phil clutches at him.

“I should have known you'd be tactile,” Phil manages. Dan laughs at him, even as he nips.

“You have no idea, to be honest, Phil.” Dan assures Phil. “I'm really mouth-oriented in bed. Loads of kissing and nibbling and nice sorts of things.”

Phil makes a note to himself to ensure he finds that out on a first-hand basis. Then, Phil lines them up again and loosely holds his hardness against Dan's, rocking and dragging until Dan tightens his legs around Phil and holds, breathing out a hungry pant.

It's amazing to be doing this because it's not nearly enough sensation and it's going to drag out and be exquisite torture for Phil as he works himself up.

He can feel the brush of Dan's cock on his stomach, the barely-wet drop at the tip that gets dragged over his skin and Phil reaches down to cup Dan's balls and stroke, squeeze lightly, palming them as he grinds their erections together again; Dan runs his hands over Phil's shoulders and arches his head back as he pants again, this time Phil's name falling from his lips.

Phil thinks this might literally be the hottest thing he's ever seen, Dan practically near to begging him for more. He thinks with a bit more effort and time he could elicit actual "please"s from Dan.

Phil glides a hand along Dan's thigh and holds it tight against his side and now it's just Dan supporting Phil's weight, holding him up as Phil fondles Dan's balls for a second more before shifting so that he's on his elbow and Dan isn't forced to hold him up.

They've been rocking and pressing into each other and Dan's dick twitches at the rub of Phil's, his legs tightening and loosening around Phil with each thrust that rocks the bed.

Phil presses warm, heady kisses to wherever he can reach on Dan's chest, mouthing soft words of affection without voicing it, compliments patterned across Dan's soft skin.

Dan's getting louder, gasping on every rub of Phil's cock on his, heels digging into Phil's lower back. "Need you to not stop, whatever you do," Dan groans. Phil focuses his actions to be shorter in his thrusts, really pushing Dan down into the bed and grinding into him.

He's still got one hand pressing into Dan's thigh, stroking and squeezing the skin, keeping Dan's leg locked around him, not that he thinks Dan needs help, the way he's squeezing his calves against Phil's hips as his mouth falls open and he let's out a helpless noise.

"Wanna come, Phil," Dan urges him plaintively. Phil lets his hand drop away from Dan's thigh to skim and wrap around Dan's dick, thick and warm and oh so hard, showing just how right on edge Dan is.

Dan sucks in a breath, "Ah, oh fuck," he enunciates as he inhales, whispery. Phil thumbs the head of Dan's cock where it's slick with precome and he feels Dan twitching under his hand again and it's incredible to know he can make Dan do that.

"Just jerk me off, stop playing," Dan pointedly rocks his own hips so that his cock slides through Phil's loose grip. 

"I like playing," Phil admits. "Seeing you like that." 

"I like it too but not when I was just about to come and you stopping to play with me and tease me is actual literal torture, you heathen." Dan's caught Phil's wrist with his own hand and is guiding, encouraging his motions, hips stuttering under Phil's touch.

It's only a few more strokes before Dan chokes out a noise and Phil can feel each small throb of Dan's dick as Dan comes, a pool of sticky semi-clear fluid on his stomach, a thin strand hanging hair-thin from the tip.

Dan's slightly damp with sweat, hair curling at the edges, cheeks pink. He reaches for Phil and Phil closes his eyes as Dan takes him with his fingers and pulls him in to bite again at his neck, mouth wicked and delicious against Phil.

Dan brings Phil to the edge and then guides him over it, letting Phil lose himself and spurt his own thick strings of come across Dan's chest.

When Phil opens his eyes and rocks back onto his knees, before Dan gets up, he first wipes his hand on the side of his thigh and breathes heavily.

While Dan's getting his head together, Phil stares at what is possibly the most erotic image he's seen since they first hooked up. Dan's covered in come, both of theirs, Phil's spread in lines over his abdomen and down to his stomach where Dan's own release had focused in a single puddle and Phil actually feels his dick, halfway to soft, almost perking up again in interest at the sight in front of him.

He tries to memorise this image. He thinks they have to do this again. He's never really come on someone before, never had a girl encourage it, or if he did manage to get some on his partner during a handjob, she was quick to get up and clean off.

The sight of Dan covered in come is really, stupidly, mind-numbingly hot. Phil ducks forward and kisses Dan hard. "You look so good right now," he says, wanting to transmit just how Dan looks straight into Dan's brain somehow.

"I feel very sticky," Dan informs him. "I'm gonna take a shower."

Phil kind of wants to follow him and go for round two in the shower. While tempting, it would probably negate the point of the shower. So he lets Dan up and watches Dan tug on just his boxers, heading out the room to wash up.

Later on, after Dan's showered and has been too lazy to dry and straighten his hair so it's curling into the wavy rings he hates and Phil kind of adores, his hobbit hair, Dan settles in with Phil in the lounge. "Best birthday to date, I think." Dan murmurs.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay literally from here on out I only have two paragraphs of plot written and it's just two plot details that are going to be covered over the next year and nine months so again, between NaNoWriMo and coming up with plot ideas, these chapters are probably going to take longer now that I don't have it written out basically in short spurts of ideas already. (also god help me the fic has reached over 100k, this thing is a farking monster)
> 
> To make up for it, have Dan and Phil on their first official date as a couple. And the after-date. ;)

The next livestream comes and the topic of Phil's baby comes up briefly, asking what his kid is up to, and Phil quickly talks about Charlie's accomplishments and abilities before switching the topic to something else.

He's starting to relax a little about giving out information about Charlie. Now that Charlie is a year and three months, now that Phil is used to the idea of talking about his kid, he doesn't mind people asking questions.

Dan is relatively quiet during Phil's talking, despite sitting only a few feet away, perhaps intentional so that his role in Charlie's life isn't obvious.

The chat clamours to see Charlie though once he's brought up and Phil glances at Dan. He's only recently put Charlie in his crib so he could do the liveshow.

"Wanna get my baby?" Phil queries. As much as he hates to not say, "our baby", they both know what kind of trouble that would bring, and Dan nods, pushing away from where he's sat and going into Phil's room.

Charlie must have just about been asleep because he's got his head resting on Dan's shoulder and fists loosely clenched in Dan's shirt as Dan carefully hands him off to Phil.

"Sleepy little guy," Phil says. "Wanna wave hello?" Dan stands behind Phil's laptop and waves at Charlie to give him someone to wave back to. Charlie grins and waves exuberantly at Dan, uttering a few noises.

The chat explodes with declarations of how cute Charlie is. "You can't see it but Dan's standing over there, waving at Charlie for you so he'll wave back. He's so helpful." Phil smiles.

He pointedly ignores questions that are too personal and starts fielding the ones that he can answer. "Katie_B wants to know if my mum likes him. She loves him. She tells me that she doesn't get enough time with him. In fact, I was thinking about having her watch him in a couple days."

Dan looks up at that, surprised. Phil hadn't told him because he wanted it to be a surprise. The one-month anniversary of them becoming something else is coming up and he kind of wanted Dan all to himself for that.

In fact, he's already planned on taking Dan out on a proper date. His mum's on board – Phil's conspired with her, shyly stating his intentions and she'd sounded pleased when she told him that yes, he certainly should take Dan on a proper date if he and Dan are an item now.

He answers a few more questions about Charlie and at one point ends up just reading to Charlie for a little bit. Apparently his viewers find it endearing to watch Phil read to his son and honestly, it's nice to share something of his bonding time with his son.

After a bit longer, Phil resumes answering questions. “Is Dan still vegan? No, he broke that during the tour. Ended up eating some ham and just kind of faded back into a non-vegan diet after that.”

“When are we coming to the US for the book tour? Right now, I don't know. We are going to come, I promise, but I don't think I can be away from Charlie for an extended period of time, so it would involve figuring out how to bring him with us.”

He skims over a few more comments and feels a flash of alarm when someone comments on the last remnants of a mark that Dan had given him earlier that week, low enough that most shirts hide it, but this shirt doesn't and he hadn't even noticed.

“No, this is just a bruise, I stabbed myself with one of the house plants,” Phil invents on the spot. “I was moving it and the stick jabbed me right by my collarbone.”

He rubs over it and sneaks a look at Dan, who is giving him a guilty look, even as he bites back a smile. Phil has to hide his own smile. It's hard to actually hold it against Dan. He certainly wasn't doing much to dissuade Dan particularly.

“Okay, one more question and then I'm going to end this liveshow,” Phil announces. He looks through the chat for a few moments. “What did I get Dan for his birthday? Oh, loads of stuff. A coffee mug, some piano sheet music that he's already begun to write the notes in rather than _learn how to read sheet music_ ,” Phil aims a sarcastic comment at Dan, who calls out, “I'm inept, you knew this already!” in return.

“Also I got him a book from Charlie and a couple other things, small stuff. Nothing too major.” Phil finishes up. “Okay guys, that's all for tonight, I'll see you all really soon!” He talks for another minute as he gets ready to end the show and when it's over, he pushes his computer away from himself.

He bought Charlie some learning flashcards, with numbers, letters, colours, and common first words, pictures above the letters. He doesn't know if it's too early for Charlie to start learning but still, he sits Charlie in front of him and gets out the colours package, which contains “red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, pink, grey, white, black”, ten flash cards with the colours taking up the top half of the card with the word, a picture of something in that colour on the bottom half.

“Want to practice our colours, Charlie?” He asks.

Charlie stares at him and claps his hands as Phil holds up the first card. “This is red, Charlie. Red. Like apples and fire trucks.” He points to the apple on the card. “Red.”

He puts down the card and moves on to the next. “Yellow. Yellow. Like a sun,” he taps the picture. “Yellow.”

“Ye-oh.” Charlie repeats clumsily. “Ye-oh.” He reaches out and grabs the card and Phil lets him have it until he finds Charlie bringing the card to his mouth and chewing.

“No, no, no chew. No eating the flashcards.” Phil chides him gently, pulling the card away. “If you want something to eat, go make Dan feed you some oatmeal or something.”

“Hey, why do I have to feed him?” Dan protests. “I'm busy.”

“You make better airplane noises.” Phil tells him. “You make it more fun for him.” Dan half-grins at that.

“Feed him yourself, I'll make breakfast fun for him tomorrow.” Dan tells Phil. It's not an argument at all, no meanness. It's them having a bit of banter between them, a casual conversation of their roles in Charlie's life.

“Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?” Phil asks. He picks up Charlie and crosses over to Dan, kissing his cheek, and Dan turns his head and meets Phil's mouth.

“Ribena?” Dan says hopefully.

“Sure, I'll be back in a minute. I'll give Charlie a snack and then we'll try the flashcards again.” Phil says.

He sets Charlie down in his kitchen chair, getting out a package of graham crackers and some peanut butter. He scrapes a thin layer of peanut butter across two graham crackers and sets them down on Charlie's feeding table, letting Charlie pick up the first and bring it to his mouth, sucking at it and then biting into it.

Phil pours Dan his drink and brings him the glass and Dan takes it. Phil peeks at Dan's screen, which is currently open to his file of video ideas. “Go with that one,” Phil says, tapping at an idea about Dan's childhood. “They love hearing stories about you when you were a kid.”

“Nice lie about the house plant,” Dan answers. “The best part is that it's theoretically possible, knowing you,” as he opens up a new file and taps out the beginning ideas he has for the story.

“So, the day after tomorrow, my mum's watching Charlie, like I mentioned. Can I, um.” So maybe Phil's almost shy asking this because they've not been on a proper date, nor have they actually defined their relationship beyond 'friends who are now fooling around in bed, raising a baby, and saying I love you'. Which should be easily defined but Phil doesn't want to put a label on anything without Dan being on board.

“Yeah, Phil?” Dan asks him, glancing away from his computer screen.

“Did you want to go out and get dinner that night? I'd pay – I mean, it'd be a date, our first date.”

Phil fumbles his fingers together as Dan smiles, that bright smile that seems to radiate across his entire face.

“Yeah, a date. That would be nice.” Dan agrees. “Should I dress up? Is it fancy?”

“It's just an Italian restaurant,” Phil shrugs. “But I mean,” he thinks about Dan dressed up for the most recent BBC thing they went to. “You do look good when you actually put together an outfit like you wore for Valentine's Day.”

“Can I just say that you having a crush is kind of adorable?” Dan teases him. “You pay me so many compliments. I mean, everybody knows I'm Phil trash number one now, thanks to my own admission, but you're like, actually beating me now in terms of compliments to each other.”

“Don't make fun of me, I'm already embarrassed enough asking you out. It seems stupid.” Phil complains.

“Not stupid.” Dan assures him. “I appreciate it. I've been waffling back and forth with myself about if I should ask you out, to be honest.”

“Why didn't you?” Phil asks, curious.

Dan shrugs. “I don't know. It was like, we've already gone out to so many places in our lives that what would another time out be? I'm worried that it's not going to feel important and special.”

“Isn't the idea itself what makes it feel that way? That, for the first time, it's not just us going out as flatmates?” Phil asks.

He thinks he's going to do whatever it takes to make their date feel special and important for Dan, if that's what Dan wants it to be like.

 

Phil dresses up for their date. He didn't think he was going to but then he thinks about making Dan feel special and important and he changes from jeans into casual black slacks and puts on a nice shirt.

He calls a cab and waits until he gets a call from the cab driver that he's arrived before knocking on Dan's door. “I couldn't exactly pick you up for our date,” Phil says, as he pushes it open. “Since we live together and all. But I called a cab and I figured I'd surprise you with when it was time to go. That way it was kind of like I was picking you up. A little bit, anyways.”

Dan looks up from his computer, where he's standing, the jeans-looking black dress pants hanging over his arm. He's half-dressed, a button-up shirt that he's gotten distracted while buttoning and left half-undone, his boxer-briefs, black dress socks on. It's kind of funny to look at and Phil closes the door, smiling to himself.

Trust Dan to get so distracted during getting dressed that he just stood there, browsing the internet, half-dressed. He can hear Dan stepping around as he finishes getting dressed and then Dan pulls open his door.

“I'm ready,” Dan says. “You ready?”

Phil nods and brushes a kiss across Dan's cheek. “You look really nice,” he tells Dan honestly. It's still so strange, in some ways, to be realising even now his attraction to Dan, for the first time in his life, physical appeal of a masculine form being something important for him.

They take the stairs together, Dan a step behind Phil, and Phil holds open the cab door for Dan as Dan gets into the cab, then Phil gets in, sliding his hand across the seat to find Dan's and squeeze.

He gives the address of where they're going and hopes to god there's no phangirls out at the restaurant that night that recognise them. Because they're dressed up for no apparent reason, no friends to meet, and it's going to be pretty obvious that they're on a date, Phil thinks.

He pushes away the spike of nerves there, that they'll be recognised and outed. The chances of it happening are slim. He's called and requested a table ahead of time, reserving dinner for 7:00. They might be a couple of minutes late since he had to wait for Dan getting dressed but nothing major.

The cab ride, Phil lets his thumb trace the inside of Dan's palm, their fingers laced. “I'm glad you said yes to this date,” Phil tells him quietly. _Make him feel as important as he is to you._

Dan nods. “Wouldn't have turned it down.” He assures Phil. Phil really wants tonight to go well. It's important to him that Dan enjoy tonight. Because this is a new step forward for them – this is another step into a direction they've never been down before.

They talk a little bit about Dan's video – Dan had shot it earlier that day and tomorrow he's going to work on editing it. They talk about Charlie spending the night with Phil's mum and what time she's going to bring him back the next day. The conversation has moved on to an upcoming convention that they have to make plans for when they arrive at the restaurant.

Phil gets out quickly, going to open Dan's side of the cab and Dan's smiling to himself. “You're really intent on doing this right, aren't you?” Dan asks.

Phil nods just a bit too quickly, betraying his nervousness. Dan's gaze goes soft on him and he squeezes Phil's hand. “Let's get inside, looks like it might start raining,” he comments, looking up at the sky above them, which is cloudy and dark.

They go inside and Phil introduces himself to the girl at the desk with the reservations and she ushers them to their table, which has a plain black tablecloth draped over it.

They sit there and browse the menu quietly and Phil tries to strike up some humour, to relax them both. “So, Dan, let's get to know each other a little since it's our first date. What kind of movies do you like?”

Dan looks at him in surprise and rolls his eyes. “I like all sorts of films. My friend just got me the complete box-set of the Scream films for my birthday.”

“Oh, maybe we can watch them together sometime,” Phil continues on his path and Dan is obviously trying not to laugh now, lips trying to quirk up into a grin as he fights it away.

“Yeah, maybe, if this date goes well, maybe for our second one I'll invite you over to my place. You'll have to put up with my flatmate, he's this weird guy who has an over the top fondness for house plants and manages to consistently break our bowls while making breakfast in the strangest ways.” Dan informs Phil.

“Inviting me over to your place on the second date, huh? Should I take it that this one's already going well?” Phil teases. “We've just started to talk about ourselves.”

Dan can't fight it anymore, his mouth twists into a grin and he kicks at Phil's foot under the table gently. “You're ridiculous,” he says. “Don't expect me to put out on the first date, either.”

Phil puts his hand over his heart. “All I was hoping for was a kiss goodnight,” he promises.

They settle a little, talking about the menu. Since returning from veganism, Dan has seemed to really appreciate meat a lot more. “Would ordering a steak be too extravagant for a first date?” Dan asks. “I don't want to be too expensive.”

“Get whatever you want. I can afford it. Even if this wasn't a date that meant something to me, we haven't really had a nice meal in a while. But if you want steak, I'll buy you a steak.”

Phil's thinking of having the pork tenderloin with roasted vegetables – that sounds tasty. He glances at the wine list. “Want to get some wine too?” He asks.

“Sure, sounds nice,” Dan agrees. He reaches for the list, going down it. “Um, do you care what kind? I'm kind of thinking merlot, if I'm having steak. Or maybe the syrah.”

“Syrah sounds nice.” Phil agrees. He remembers reading an article online mentioning pork tenderloin going well with syrah, actually. That cements home the decision to get that as his meal and he closes his menu, setting it down.

“Know what you're getting?” Dan asks. He brushes his hair away from his face with his fingers and Phil watches that motion, muses to himself how something he's seen hundreds of times since they met has taken on just the hint of cuteness.

“Yeah, I think so.” He pauses. “I know I already said it but you really do look nice tonight, Dan. Handsome.” He can barely say the word without flushing. He's never called a guy handsome and meant it romantically.

“You look really nice too,” Dan says softly. They look at each other and Phil feels heat scatter through him under Dan's gaze. There's a few seconds of silence and Dan bites his lip and Phil contemplates leaning over and kissing him right there because of that.

They definitely can't do that, though, because they're in public and Dan would definitely freak out. Phil probably would too, once he'd come to the realisation of what he'd done.

So instead he nudges under the table, far gentler than Dan's kick had been, and locks their ankles, rubs gently. “Hey,” Phil says.

And somehow, he finds himself playing footsie for the first time in probably a decade under the table with Dan, until their waiter arrives and they drop their feet quickly.

“Think Charlie's having a good time?” Dan asks a bit later, when they've had their first glass of wine and are waiting for the food to come out.

“Probably. He always enjoys seeing my mum. What about you? Are you having a good night out?” They've started out talking about the weather, migrated into discussing a shopping list for their groceries, which had somehow ended up with them discussing the merits of delivery services for that, and then briefly landed on delivery services that need to exist but don't yet.

“Yeah, it's nice. It's … I don't have to go through that awkward first-date bit of not knowing what to say. I'm comfortable with you.” Dan says. “It's really easy right now to just relax.”

“Good.” Phil says, as their waiter returns with the wine, asking if they'd like him to refill their glasses, to which they both assent, and he lets them know their food will be out in just a minute.

When the food gets there, talking gets dropped in favour of eating, the scrape of silverware on plate and Dan definitely is enjoying his steak, Phil can see that.

He's glad that he encouraged Dan to get what he wanted. He genuinely hopes that he's doing enough, doing it right. He's not sure, because how do you date someone that you've spent five years living with to start with and over a year raising a baby together with?

It's so backwards from traditional that Phil has no idea how to go about it. So instead he just lays trust in the momentary lingering gazes, the way he compliments Dan's eyes, insists on getting Dan dessert, pays the check and then guides Dan towards the door – and now, he might be a little tipsy from the wine so he presses his hand to the base of Dan's spine – back out into the fresh air, dialling a cab.

It seems to work because Dan stands near enough to Phil as they wait that their hands can brush, and that's the most they risk doing in public right now, Dan shuffling his weight so that the backs of their fingers skim together.

“Had a really good night,” Dan announces as the cab arrives. “Did you want to come back to my place?”

Phil promptly snorts in his face. “I thought you didn't put out on the first date.” He says, climbing in after Dan.

“Not planning on it. But some heavy petting might be a thing that could happen,” Dan says easily. “Wanna say thank you for taking me on the nicest date I've been on in years.”

“You going to freak out if I kiss you in this cab?” Phil asks, the wine doing the talking now.

Dan glances at the cab driver, a middle-aged man who seems about as disinterested in them as can be. “Keep it PG, I'd say.”

Phil brings their fingers together discreetly and leans in and kisses Dan's cheek, then bumps his face into Dan's shoulder lightly, almost head-butting him, resting his head against the curve of Dan's neck, breathing in the smell of Dan and his nearness.

“Okay, I'd say you can go a little higher than that if we're keeping it PG,” Dan informs him. He turns, cranes his neck so that he can duck in and kiss Phil square on the mouth, tasting of wine still, and when he pulls back, Phil's heart is thumping just a little quicker.

He's an absolute sucker and he's completely in love with Dan and he needs Dan to know that, even though he's said it a couple of times now. “Love you,” Phil breathes. “Just needed you to know that again.”

Dan nods, hums a small noise. “Yeah, love you too.”

Is it strange that they can say that and raise a baby together but they're still figuring out the logistics of moving past handjobs? Phil muses about that, face still pressed into Dan's neck, occasionally brushing his mouth over Dan's skin there, quiet. He watches the patterns of traffic as they ride back to the flat and once they've gotten home, climbed the stairs, and are standing outside the door to their flat, Dan stops them.

“Well, if you'd like to come in,” he jokes. Phil smiles at that and reaches to steal the key, unlocking the door and stepping inside.

“Now, can I properly kiss you?” Phil asks, closing the door behind Dan as Dan follows him.

“Now you can, yeah. Find out if you have to be fifteen or eighteen to see the rest of the film.” Dan jokes.

Phil presses Dan against the door and kisses him sweet, brushing his mouth over Dan's first gently and then lingering. “Wanted tonight to make you feel special and important so this would be right, so I didn't screw up our first date.” Phil mumbles.

Dan's fingers push up into Phil's hair, rubbing at his scalp. “You did a good job, Phil,” he answers, his words spilling from his lips into Phil's mouth as the kiss deepens after that.

“Couch?” Phil suggests at some point, a few minutes later, when he's got a hand under Dan's shirt, holding onto his waist and pulling him in, grinding his hips into Dan's. “Get comfortable and see what happens?”

“Still not putting out on the first date.” Dan teases. “Not completely, anyways. Though I think we should take advantage of no baby around.” He ducks back in for another kiss and somehow, they find their way from the front door to the lounge without tripping and from there, to the couch, where Dan pins Phil, sitting in his lap and kissing him in all sorts of interesting ways, ranging from little, light kisses that leave Phil shivery to slower, deeper kisses that drag out a hunger in Phil from a dark place deep inside him.

Dan kisses him until Phil's mouth feels almost sore, lips damp with a bit of saliva, and he's holding Dan in his lap, not too discreetly rubbing up into Dan through his trousers.

When they pull back, Phil rests his forehead to Dan's, eyes shut, gliding his fingers just over Dan's back contentedly.

“Would it be considered putting out if I blow you?” Dan asks, breathlessly, shyly. Phil's eyes pop open and he stares at Dan.

“You don't have to if you don't want to, if you're not ready, I don't expect you to because of tonight,” Phil says.

“Yeah, I know. I kinda really want to,” Dan says. He's nervous, Phil knows that much, and his leg is jiggling up and down next to Phil's on the sofa.

Phil has only seen Dan this nervous before major awards ceremonies presentings and he wants to but he definitely doesn't want to push Dan.

"Dan, you look so scared that I think you might actually jiggle your way off me if you don't stop," he gestures to Dan's rapidly bouncing leg. Dan forces his leg to a halt, abruptly, and focuses his gaze on Phil.

"Yeah, I'm nervous, but I want this really bad. More than I'm nervous about sucking at it." Dan admits. He licks his lips and Phil tries not to think about what they'd look like around his dick.

"Isn't that the point of this?" Phil cracks, trying to ease Dan's nerves and Dan groans and shoves his face into Phil's shoulder.

"You're the worst."

Phil lets his hands rest on Dan's back and rubs gently. "If you're sure." Dan nods and he pushes away, shuffling until he's on his knees in front of Phil.

Phil lets Dan cautiously unzip his slacks, tugging them down and then moving to Phil's boxer briefs, encouraging Phil to lift his hips so that Dan can peel them down and release Phil, hard and equally as nervous as Dan, to bob a few inches away from his face.

Dan peers up at Phil. "I really hope I'm not terrible at this," he announces before leaning in. His mouth isn't all that wet and his teeth are just slightly in the way and Phil gently mentions the teeth, to which Dan pulls them back, and that's definitely better.

As Dan begins to drag his mouth over Phil, sliding up and down, it definitely improves. Once he starts to get slick with saliva, it's a nervous first-time blowjob but it's a decent blowjob and Phil stares down at Dan's head, at his fringe falling over his eyes, and thinks faintly, _Dan is blowing me_ , and finds his fingers moving of their own accord to cradle Dan's scalp, stroking at the hair.

Dan pulls back enough to take a breath and then dives back in. Phil's longer than Dan and he can't take him all the way down to the base without choking a bit and Phil doesn't want to force him, so he eases his hands away from Dan's hair, instead fisting them into the couch.

He thinks Dan's too nervous to try to experiment with any kind of interesting techniques, the same way he was the first time he stroked off Phil, and is just focusing on doing what he knows works. Because Dan's a guy too and even if he wasn't great at it, it doesn't need to be perfect like it sometimes does trying to get a girl off, because it's easy enough with just the physical aspect, and this feels good enough that Dan doesn't have to do anything flashy.

Dan seals his mouth tighter around Phil and sucks wetly, tongue sliding all warm and firm and slippery over Phil's erection, and it's more the mental fact that Dan is on his knees, pushing Phil's legs further apart so he can press in deeper, shorter bobs of his head, taking Phil as deep as he can, and Phil thinks he's going to come way too soon, embarrassed by how turned on he is at the mental idea that Dan is sucking him off, more than the physical act itself.

He does come a minute later, gasping and fingers scrabbling into the sofa, trying not to grab at Dan, and Dan is only momentarily caught off-guard and works Phil through it, still mouthing at Phil as Phil spills across Dan's tongue and as Dan pulls back, he sees Dan swallow and that right there fries out what's left of his brain.

Dan just swallowed his come. Which, Phil will be honest, he's never not had someone willing to swallow after they blew him. But it's Dan. It's Dan and it's overwhelming and Dan didn't have to, it was Dan's first time, and Dan's wiping his mouth, licking his lips again, which are now full and red and shiny and Phil can't quite pull his brain back together.

So he does the next best thing, which is tug Dan up and push him gently onto the couch and drop to his own knees, not even thinking about this, just needing to repay the favour.

Dan watches him, watches as Phil unzips his trousers and pulls them off completely, ignoring the fact that he's still unzipped and has his pants around his ankles, pulls off Dan's boxers until he's sitting naked from the waist down.

Phil pushes up the hem of Dan's shirt and eases himself into this. He's a little intimidated, to be honest. He knew Dan was thicker than average since he'd jerked him off before. But now, crunch time, blowjob in the immediate future, Dan looks big, Dan looks like he's going to be, pardon the pun, quite a mouthful.

He still wants Dan to feel special if their date isn't technically over and so he closes his eyes and travels Dan's stomach with his mouth. He bumps over his bellybutton and hipbones and then travels down inside Dan's thigh, crosses back over to the inside of Dan's other thigh, works his way up.

He opens his eyes and takes in the sight of Dan before him, legs spread, cock heavy and hard and thick, and he ducks his head and licks a slow stripe from the base to the tip, watching Dan's thighs tighten.

Phil does his best. He lets his mouth wrap around Dan's dick and focuses on keeping his mouth wet and sinks down and Dan is just on the side of average that Phil can bottom out, lips coming to rest at the base, pressing into hair there, and _oh holy hell, he knows what Dan tastes like now_.

Dan tastes a bit salty, of course, but beyond the taste of precome, he's got a taste all of his own, it's sharp and dark and almost primal, for lack of better words, hot as hell even as Phil wonders if he's any good at this.

Phil finds out that, while he's not terrible at giving a blowjob, he's not great at it first time out either. He has trouble keeping a steady rhythm when Dan starts rocking his hips towards Phil's mouth.

When he pulls back, needing air, because Dan's thick enough that it's a little hard to breathe, he slides off and apologises quickly and wraps his mouth back around Dan and presses back down and Dan hisses out, “Teeth, remember,” and Phil does the same thing as Dan, pulling them back, trying to hide them behind his lips.

Dan's even more audible than he was during handjobs and he almost shyly dirty-talks Phil. His moans aren't dirty-talk, though they're certainly filthy-sounding, sending a thrill through Phil's spine, but when he tentatively says, “Like your lips wrapped around me like that,” Phil glances up at him, mouth still wrapped around Dan, and sees Dan looking down at him, and Dan's eyes widen before he manages to stumble out, “Like seeing you look up at me like that with your mouth full,” Phil almost wants to see himself, see what's put that heat in Dan's eyes.

Phil kind of thinks he can't be very sexy, not when he's on the edge of drooling out of the corner of his mouth from all the spit, but Dan reaches down and runs his hand through Phil's fringe, guides him as Phil starts to move his mouth again. “Feels good, Phil,” Dan assures him.

Phil's jaw hurts a little and he wonders if Dan's did too though he doubts it, because Phil didn't last more than a few minutes, and Dan's definitely taking longer. He tries to relax his jaw, letting Dan rock into Phil's mouth more than Phil moves for a few seconds, and he pulls off Dan to lick another couple of slow lines, giving his jaw a break, sucking just at the tip, pulling off, placing more kisses inside Dan's thighs and stomach.

“Really wanna come,” Dan utters. “But not on your face, so you should probably, um, go back to what you were doing or use your hand or something otherwise I'm going to in a few seconds.”

Phil's ducking his head down, taking Dan back into his mouth, and Dan gasps and groans and pushes his hips forward, pushing all the way deep into Phil's mouth and Phil can feel the sluggish pulse of Dan's cock against his tongue, can feel faintly bitter-saltiness spilling across it, and he licks his way up Dan's cock after Dan's finished, catches the last couple of drops, and then, kind of curious, looks Dan square in the eyes as he swallows, running his tongue over his upper lip, tasting it there too.

Yeah, Dan's definitely a visual kinks kind of guy. If he liked seeing Phil looking at him while he was sucking him off, he also likes seeing Phil swallowing the aftermath because his mouth kind of falls open and he matches Phil's lip-licking unconsciously.

Phil stores that information away as well in the _Dan Howell, boyfriend_ – and it hits him right then that he's never actually confirmed if Dan is his boyfriend, that they're more than friends but he's never called Dan that.

He gets up off the floor and pulls up his pants and slacks and gathers himself and watches as Dan does the same and then once they've gotten themselves back together, Phil asks, “Did you have a good night? I wanted it to feel special because, well, I'd want my boyfriend to feel that way and are you my boyfriend?”

He probably shouldn't sound quite as nervous as he does but Dan smiles at him with affection on his face. “Yeah, you numpty, I'm definitely your boyfriend. And yeah, I had a really good time.”

“Good. I'm glad – to both of those things,” Phil amends. “So what did you want to do for the rest of the night?”

Dan shrugs. “Internet? Was kind of hoping you'd stay near me though so I could kind of lean against you. Like having you around to do that stuff with now. Wanna get in pyjamas first, though.”

Phil thinks he'd be perfectly content to do that until bed and he goes and gets changed himself, grabbing his laptop and joining Dan on the couch again a few minutes later, letting Dan shift and angle himself until he's got his back against Phil's side and Phil can lazily wrap an arm over Dan's shoulders, and Phil thinks to himself how very nice it is to have Dan, his boyfriend, right there, cuddling up to him.


	24. Chapter 24

It's time to start planning their U.S. tour. It's going to take them several months to get it ready, another several months to prep it. Phil thinks about how Charlie will be over a year and a half by then.

There's agencies he can hire, he can research, to bring a baby-sitter with them on their tour. It'll be complicated and he doesn't want to think about how much it'll cost but it'll keep Charlie with them.

It's going to be crazy, having a toddler on their tour bus. It's going to require probably a second bus for the babysitter and all the stuff that Charlie needs. They're going to have to really budget this out well.

But there's not an alternative. He's not leaving his son behind for probably a month and a half.

It's stressful and Dan feels it as much as Phil, groaning. “This was rough enough when it was just the UK, now we have to figure out the US, why'd we ever decide to write a book?”

Phil smiles fondly at him, where Dan's clicking resolutely through something on his laptop to try and help him, and leans over to kiss Dan's forehead.

“We'll figure it out, Dan. How about we order some pizza, don't feel like cooking tonight, and we stop researching for the night and just relax?”

“Ugh, can't relax, need to make a video. Been like almost a month and I think my subscribers might actually murder me if I don't make a video.”

Dan's also got his list of ideas open and Phil looks at it as Dan switches over to it, stifling a laugh when he sees that Dan still has the “Kanye West is the Kanye Best” idea in there.

“You can never actually make that video, Dan,” Phil says, tapping the screen and indicating. “That's the most ridiculous thing you've ever written down.”

“Excuse me,” Dan says. “Seven second writing challenge. I dare you to tell me that some of what we _both_ wrote in that section wasn't absolute garbage.”

Phil snickers harder. That's fair enough. He plunks another kiss down on Dan's temple and then leans back to his own laptop, pulling up the Domino's website. “Alright, tell me what you want on your pizza so I can order us some food,” he says.

Once the order's placed, Dan starts reading through notes for the video he's going to make tonight and Phil knows that Dan will disappear into his room and he probably won't see him again tonight until Dan comes to bed and Phil doesn't know if he'll still be awake, because Dan making videos means Dan probably will be up until five in the morning working on editing, and then working on more editing the next day, so he waits until after they've gotten pizza and eaten, and he leans over, giving Dan a pizza breath kiss.

“Be quiet when you come to bed so you don't wake Charlie,” he murmurs.

“Yeah, alright.” Dan agrees and he's heading to his room to set things up and Phil's going to let him be for the rest of the evening.

 

Dan films his new video and Phil watches through it after Dan's done a rough edit and points out a couple more places that Dan could tighten it up, make it a little better, and Dan mumbles something along the lines of “What would I do without you?” because that's just what they do is help each other make their videos as good as possible.

Then Dan finishes editing, releases it, tweets it, and apparently as a reward for Phil having been so helpful, drags Phil into his bedroom for a quick handjob, murmuring his appreciation for Phil as he does so.

Phil's definitely a fan of this new and improved relationship.

Afterwards, he pulls Charlie out of his crib and starts him again on colours and this time Charlie, although he doesn't think Charlie understands what it means, says rather happily, “Blooo,” when he gets to “blue”.

It's adorable. His son is adorable and imitating Phil as best he can. “Wed. Ye-oh.” Red and yellow.

Phil thinks he might just make a video himself tonight showing off all Charlie's words. He compiles a list, grabbing a piece of scratch paper and sitting down, writing down the ones he knows that Charlie can do.

He'll have to get some props, of course, a book, Charlie's zebra, Dan maybe even can sit over at his side and he'll encourage Charlie to say Dan's name – although maybe not, he thinks a moment later, at the fact that more often than not, Dan is “da” and that would be more than enough material for the shippers out there, so yeah, he'll leave Dan out of this one this time.

“Dan,” he calls. “Can you watch Charlie for a few minutes while I set up for a video?”

“Yeah, of course,” Dan says. “Just on Twitter, responding to people. Bring your son over here, I don't feel like getting up.”

“Lazy,” Phil mutters without any aggravation in his voice, carrying his son into Dan's room, where Dan's stretched out on his bed, and he carefully sits Charlie down on Dan's tummy.

“Charlieboy,” Dan says happily, reaching with his free hand to catch Charlie behind the back. “Wanna come read tweets with me?”

“I'll be back for him soon enough,” Phil adds. “I'm gonna make a video showing off all his words he can say.”

He sets up the camera and gets everything ready to go and when he goes back to get Charlie, Charlie's got one hand curled around Dan's phone, holding it and staring as Dan taps at it awkwardly, around Charlie's fingers.

“Better not let him break this one too,” Phil comments. Dan huffs a laugh at that.

“Yeah, I got a tight grip on this. He's not throwing this one. Time for you to steal your baby away from me?”

“Our baby,” Phil says. It's still sometimes something that Dan seems to forget and each time Phil reminds him, a smile graces Dan's lips, just slightly.

“Yeah.” Dan agrees. “Bring him back when you're done, I was gonna show him some cute cat videos. He'd like those, I bet.”

So Phil makes the video with Charlie, encouraging him several times that he can edit around when Charlie doesn't respond the first time or doesn't say a word very clearly, going through the list of words.

He can edit tomorrow. Tonight, he kind of wants to watch the cat videos with Dan, curl up next to Dan and just relax. Dan hadn't come to bed until after Phil had fallen asleep and he'd been sleeping when Phil woke up and they've not really seen each other outside of the quickie handjob and that's just not on, to be honest.

Editing can wait till tomorrow, that's a fact.

Phil's starting to appreciate more the importance of family, he thinks. Charlie's really done a number on him since he arrived in Phil's world.

“We should do a new Day In The Life Of Dan and Phil,” Phil murmurs as he settles down beside Dan, placing Charlie between them. “Baby edition. The time to feed Charlie, time to play with blocks, time to put him down for a nap, maybe we can take him to the park or something and have a picnic there.”

“With ants?” Dan says, sounding rather uninterested. “And you really want to take Charlie out and risk fans seeing and rushing over?”

That's terrifying, yeah. They've done their best to limit the amount of times they've brought Charlie out for extended periods of time. But he's finally coming to terms with it.

Phil tucks his face to Dan's shoulder. “When you were out on a date with Lora,” he says. “Charlie's first drawing. I was drawing too, trying to get him interested. I had just figured out I was in love with you and I drew a picture of us on a picnic together with Charlie.”

Dan hums a noise, a sound somewhere between pleasure and amusement. “Living out your fantasies?”

“I just kind of want to do something like that.” Phil admits. “Make some sandwiches and something for Charlie and bring some biscuits or something and sit under a tree and talk and people watch.”

“We can do that,” Dan agrees. “If it'll make you happy.”

“Maybe sometime next week we can film it,” Phil says. “It'll probably be a massive hit. You know how much the fans love whenever Charlie's in a video.”

“You having a baby was the best thing to ever happen to your channel,” Dan teases him. “Even more than PINOF,” he adds.

“So you mentioned cat videos earlier,” Phil says, changing the topic. “Come on, don't hold out on me. Let me enjoy cats with the added bonus of not having to have an allergic reaction to them.”

“I still can't believe you thought going to a cat cafe that one time was a good idea,” Dan tells him as he pulls up a video.

Charlie's watching the screen as kittens tumble over each other and mew and he reaches out his hand to grab at the phone, making a delighted sound.

“You think we'll ever adopt an animal? Actually find a place that lets us have pets and adopt a pet?” Dan asks.

“First thing we get'll be a shiba,” Phil promises Dan. “In a couple of years maybe. Imagine trying to take care of a toddler and a puppy.”

“We'd have to get a flat on the first floor somewhere. Don't wanna walk a puppy up and down flights of stairs just to take him out.” Dan agrees.

“Who knows, it might actually get you in better shape,” Phil teases Dan. “Both of us, given that we practically wheeze every time we go up and down the stairs now.”

“It's so many steps,” Dan complains.

“It's so many steps and made harder when you're holding a squirmy, heavy baby,” Phil counters. “Which is usually me.”

The video ends and Dan clicks another one in his recommended videos and they fall silent again, getting comfortable with their baby and cute videos to pass some time.

 

They end up making the video that Phil has suggested when Charlie's officially a day after fifteen months old, having kept putting it off due to just being lazy or when they did feel like maybe going out, the weather being kind of crappy. But now, it's a gorgeous, perhaps overly-warm late July morning and Phil's busy making sandwiches while Dan dresses Charlie.

Phil's got his camera and he's talking as he makes the sandwiches and stops, deciding to go see what Dan's doing with Charlie instead.

They've noticed that he actually listens to them now and so Dan's been making getting dressed an active role for Charlie. “Charlie, do you want to brush your hair?” Dan's saying as Phil enters the room.

He's handing Charlie his plastic hairbrush and Charlie knows what it's for, bringing it to his head and awkwardly skimming the brush over the side of his head.

Phil chuckles and focuses on Charlie. “What a smart baby you are,” Phil coos to him and Charlie turns to him.

Da-da!” Charlie says, holding out the brush to him. “Buh-sh.”

“You want me to brush your hair?” Phil asks, taking the brush and handing over the handheld camera to Dan, who refocuses it on Phil as he starts to smooth down Charlie's hair as Charlie stands in the crib.

“Just gotta put his shoes and socks on,” Dan comments. “Did you finish making the sandwiches?”

“Nah, I wanted to come see how you were getting on with Charlie getting dressed. I'll go finish them in a minute,” Phil answers.

He selects a pair of socks for Charlie and then the tiny baby shoes, which are made to be flexible since Charlie's bones are still developing. They only make Charlie wear shoes when absolutely necessary, usually only if they're taking him with them to the store or some other public place.

“Alright, let's let Phil finish making our food for our picnic. Can you say picnic, Charlie?”

Charlie just stares at Dan and places a hand against his cheek, instead making a “baaaaah” noise.

“Too advanced for Charlie today,” Phil says with a grin. “Okay, you watch my son,” he's careful not to say “our son”, as much as it kills him, “while I finish making lunch.”

He switches off the camera and immediately says, “our son,” kissing Dan's cheek and Dan gives him a smile that's only slightly sad.

Phil wonders how long they'll stay closeted. After the hooplah that was the Valentine's day video, he knows it's not going to be anytime soon that they come out.

“Doesn't matter that they can't know, we know and that's what's important,” Phil whispers to Dan.

“Yeah, I guess,” Dan agrees. “Come on Charlie, let's go watch some telly and make Philly here do all the work.”

“Fiwwy,” Charlie repeats. Phil groans.

“No, you cannot get my baby calling me 'Philly',” he declares. “I don't mind it from you but Charlie is not going to call me that.”

Dan grins at him. “Philly,” he repeats, cementing it home for Charlie. Phil half-punches his shoulder.

“Worst boyfriend ever,” Phil announces before he turns the camera back on and heads back to the kitchen.

He makes some of Charlie's favourite foods, having pre-cooked some chicken and chopped it up into little pieces and he's got tiny canned orange slices that he's put in a container and he's got a few baby biscuits as dessert.

He packs up some crisps to go with the sandwiches and drinks for the three of them and then heads to find a spare blanket that they're going to spread out and sit on after putting it all in a brown paper bag, documenting what Charlie likes to eat as he packs it up, mentioning applesauce and bananas and how they've even had Charlie try vegan cheese, which he seemed to appreciate.

He's kind of grateful that he didn't pass his lactose-intolerance onto Charlie and mentions that.

Dan's watching a cartoon with Charlie as Phil enters with camera.

“Ready to go?” Phil asks. Dan reaches for the remote and turns off the television, picking up Charlie. They've bought a baby-carrier and Phil straps it onto his chest so that Charlie will be in front, legs and arms sticking out of the carrier.

“Baby, baby, baby,” Dan sings to Charlie. “Looking like a chestburster coming out of Phil in your carrier,” and Phil laughs at that.

“You carry the blanket and bag please,” Phil says. “I have to focus on not tripping over my feet going down the stairs with a baby strapped to me.”

“Stairs, stairs, walking down stairs,” Dan repeats, keeping up a half-hearted commentary for the video, as they lock the door behind them and head out.

The wind is thankfully almost non-existent so as not to disrupt their video and as they walk along the streets of London, Dan and Phil play off each other, bantering about street advertisements.

They don't usually take Charlie out like this, usually going straight for a bus or a cab and so he's wide-eyed, looking around, calling out noises as they pass things. Dan makes sure to get some of that on camera and eventually they reach a park, find a spot under a tree that isn't too crowded.

Phil wishes it was an apple tree so it would be just like his drawing. He's even wearing the same shirt as the one he drew on himself, although Dan's actually wearing something with colour, his shirt with kitten faces all over it.

Dan spreads out the blanket and Phil unhooks the carrier from his chest. “We're under a tree that's going to probably drop leaves all over us,” Dan announces. “Time to sit down and get assaulted by bugs crawling on us!”

Phil arranges everything and Dan films as he spears a tiny piece of chicken and brings it to Charlie's mouth.

“Phil feeding his baby, always a fun time. Did you know the first time that Phil tried to give him food, Charlie spat it all over him?”

“Then Dan tried it and got even worse, I think. Dan was covered in baby oatmeal.” Phil adds, looking up at the camera and grinning.

“By far the worst thing this baby has ever done to me, though, is when it was actually sick into my hair.” Dan reminds Phil. “Actual baby vomit just running down my neck.”

Phil can't help but laugh at that now. “Charlie would never throw up on my neck,” he declares.

“Nah, just your jumper, remember that?” Dan asks.

“Oh god, yeah, I forgot about that.” He's been pretty lucky with Charlie – only actually had Charlie throw up on him when he wasn't prepared once. The rest of the times, he's had a towel or something to catch the spit-up.

“Little tiny baby oranges for a little tiny baby,” Dan declares, zooming in on the fruit that Phil's packed and now picks up with a fork, bringing that up to Charlie's mouth.

“Dan, I'm hungry and I'm feeding Charlie, feed me,” Phil whines and Dan starts laughing at that.

“What, just hold your sandwich and stuff it into your mouth?” Dan asks and Phil nods.

“Oh god, this is going to go horrifically wrong, this is going to end up with you choking,” Dan states as he takes Phil's sandwich and tries to hold the camera with one hand and the sandwich with the other, bringing it to Phil's mouth.

“Houmph,” Phil declares as he takes a bite, making sure not to bite Dan's fingers in the process.

“Which one of you is the toddler, remind me?” Dan asks.

“Shut up, I'm hungry,” Phil mumbles around his mouthful of food.

“God, Phil, say it, don't spray it,” Dan shoots right back.

“Turn the camera off or set it down or something, let's eat.” Phil motions. “They can have under the chin angles of us eating food, it'll be totally hot.”

There's no chance in hell they're going to do anything like kiss or hold hands or anything that might give away they're in a relationship in a public park so there's no real need to turn off the camera.

So Dan sets down the camera and they settle in to eating, crunching down on crisps after they've had their sandwiches, drinking sodas, and Dan keeps pausing to film Phil feeding Charlie.

“Seriously, you're gonna have to keep every bit of that in, people love your baby,” Dan states.

Phil glances at Dan and while the camera's not watching, mouths, “our baby”, wordlessly.

Dan smiles at him. He turns off the camera. “You don't have to keep reminding me. I know.”

Phil finishes feeding Charlie, deciding against the biscuits, since Charlie seems pretty full, and puts everything away in the bag, empty plastic baggies from sandwiches and crisps and the plastic containers for Charlie's food.

“I just don't want you to not feel appreciated,” Phil says.

“I always feel appreciated. Though if you really want, you can show me how much you appreciate me later.” Dan teases, actually flirts.

Phil lies down on his back, pulling Charlie over to him and kissing his baby's palm. “I'll think about it.” He shrugs, like he's honestly going to turn down Dan. Honestly, they're still in the honeymoon stage and can't really get enough of each other.

Dan stretches out next to him and they lie there, looking up at the leaves of the tree above them, talking quietly about how nice the day is, how much Charlie seems to be enjoying himself.

Eventually, after about fifteen minutes have passed and they're not quite as lethargic from eating, Dan sits up and sets about playing with Charlie, picking up a few leaves that lie on the ground and dropping them on Charlie's head and lap, making Charlie grab at them.

Phil hears a squeal and turns at the noise. “Oh my gosh, are you AmazingPhil?” Someone asks as she hurries up to them.

“Yeah, hi,” Phil says and Dan's looking up and she's actually flushing, hands waving a little at her sides.

“Oh wow, Dan and Phil and your baby! Can I get a picture with you?”

This is just something they've grown used to and they take turns taking photos with her, trading Charlie between them.

Phil's already decided he doesn't want to, at this point in his life, let fans take photos with Charlie in them, so he makes sure to keep Charlie from being on camera, keeps an eye on her with her phone as she takes a photo with Dan, to make sure she doesn't take a photo of Charlie.

“It's nice meeting you. What's your name?”

“I'm Pippa,” she says. “Wow, this is like the best day ever. I love your book, I bought it the day it came out!”

“That's great,” Dan says, giving her his smile that shows off his dimples. “I'm glad you liked it, we had so much fun writing it.”

They make small talk for a couple of minutes, asking her about herself, because honestly, they do enjoy meeting their fans, and it's nice to do it outside a meet and greet, where they can actually get to know the person a little.

“Anyways, we were just in the middle of having a picnic and filming a video, so would it be alright if we got back to what we were doing?” Phil asks gently.

“Yeah, of course, thanks so much for your time!”

As she leaves, Dan comments, “She seemed nice. She didn't seem like she was prying for information or anything.”

“No, I don't think she was one of the obsessive phangirls,” Phil agrees. “Just a regular one.”

Dan takes it upon himself to play tag with Charlie, saying, “Catch me, Charlie,” although Phil's pretty sure that Charlie has no idea what Dan's doing, just toddling after Dan because he loves Dan to death.

Dan waits until Charlie catches up to him and reaches up to grab at Dan's leg, going, “Good job, Charlieboy, you caught me!” and picking him up, swooping him in the air.

“Don't do that. You're tempting fate not to let him throw up on you.” Phil calls to Dan, who sets down Charlie and jogs off about ten feet away again, while Charlie wanders after him on his wobbly baby legs.

Phil turns on the camera, filming it. “I'm pretty sure my baby doesn't actually understand the concept of 'tag', but Dan's pretty insistent on playing it with Charlie.”

He raises his voice for Dan to hear now. “This is the most exercise Dan will do all year,” and Dan's laugh is honest and tugs at Phil's heart.

He brings Charlie back over to Phil and sits down on the ground again, letting Charlie clamber into his lap and pull at Dan's fringe. For some reason, Charlie loves Dan's hair. He doesn't pull Phil's fringe, just Dan's.

“Ow, Charlie, you're getting strong, please stop,” Dan requests. “No pulling,” he says firmly and Charlie's hand falls away.

“Thank god he finally's starting to understand what 'no' means,” Dan comments.

They stay there for about a half an hour more, just talking, before Phil decides that it's time to head back home and straps Charlie back into his carrier and they walk lazily back to their flat.

“Upstairs where Dan's going to read to Charlie,” Phil announces, turning the camera on himself. “He's determined to pass on his love of Winnie the Pooh to Charlie.”

“That reminds me, for Halloween, Louise was going to have a party. I was going to go as Christopher Robin and dress up Charlie as Pooh, would that be okay?”

Phil thinks that might be the cutest thing he's ever heard and voices as much to Dan, making a note to edit this part out. “I'll go as Owl, since I'm so sage with all my wisdom that I've learned in the last year and a quarter from having a baby.” He jokes. “But seriously, I like the idea. That's really cute.”

He thinks back to when Dan wore a bear costume to the Halloween thing they went to back in 2009 and pulls up a photo, showing it to Dan and laughing over how young Dan looks. He looks about twelve, not eighteen.

“Bear,” he says affectionately.

Dan smiles, looking at it. “I was still so enamoured with you, like, platonically. I still couldn't believe AmazingPhil was my friend and wanted me to come with to the Halloween outing with him.”

Phil kind of wants to kiss him and so he makes another mental note to definitely not let this go in the video, what Dan just said, or the fact that he's kissing Dan softly, cupping his face with his free hand.

“Making memories with my best friend,” he comments against Dan's lips. “I had so much fun with you that night.”

When he pulls back, he thinks Dan's gone slightly pinker in the cheeks. “Now look at us, seven years down the road. Who would have ever thought we'd be here?”

“Not me,” Dan agrees. “I got so lucky to have this life,” he says. “Confusing as it was for a while. I would have liked to have skipped the breakdown in university bit or that nasty period of 2012 and 2013 when I was kind of weird and I definitely wouldn't want to repeat that horrible fight we had not so long ago, but all in all, I think I'm pretty happy with how things have turned out.”

“Go get Winnie the Pooh. We can take turns reading.” Phil tells him, kissing him again softly.

They situate themselves and get Charlie sat in Phil's lap and Dan opens the book to where he must have left off last with Charlie.

Phil zooms in on the text and then out, back on to Charlie's face as Dan starts to read. After a few paragraphs, Dan trails off and Phil takes that as his cue to continue for him, starting to speak.

They only film a few minutes of this, because the camera batteries are starting to get a bit low, and Phil wants to get the last couple minutes when they put Charlie down to bed at the end of the night, so he makes a comment about how he's going to turn off the camera for now, and they read together without filming.

It also means that Dan can rest his head on Phil's shoulder now, reaching over and taking Phil's hand and threading his fingers through Phil's.

Eventually, they put Charlie in his crib in the lounge, settle down to browse the internet for a while, and although Dan does take the camera and turns it on briefly to just film Charlie in his crib, playing with his stuffed zebra while they relax, and then even more briefly to make fun of Phil complaining about changing Charlie's stinky diaper, there's no more major filming until they get ready for bed that night.

Phil realises very quickly that if Dan is in his bed, it's going to look rather suspicious, so he grabs the camera and before he turns it on, murmurs into the shell of Dan's ear, “Go relax in your bed, I'm gonna put Charlie down and then come appreciate you like you suggested,” and Dan waggles his eyebrows at Phil in anticipation, making Phil laugh.

“You look like a horrible lecher or something when you do that,” Phil tells him. “Don't do that.”

Dan takes that as encouragement to do it again, sticking his tongue out a little at Phil and wiggling it.

“I swear, Dan, you're not getting anything if you keep that up,” Phil threatens him and Dan finally turns and heads to his own bedroom while Phil changes Charlie into pyjamas and puts him in his bed.

“Now it's bedtime for Charlie. I'm going to turn on his lullaby music machine and turn off the lights and it'll be the end of 'A Day In The Life of Dan and Phil – Baby Edition',” Phil says.

“Here you go, Charlie, here's zebra,” he says, giving his son the stuffed animal, turning on the music for him, and watching as Charlie sits in his crib, and he gently guides his son to lie down.

“Go right to sleep, be a good boy for daddy, yeah?” Phil asks.

Thankfully, Charlie seems cooperative and yawns at the camera before pulling his zebra up to his chest. “Okay, goodnight, Charlie,” Phil says, turning off the light and backing out of the room, closing the door behind him.

“There you have it, guys,” he speaks softly. “A day in the life of having a toddler. I hope you all enjoyed this video, please feel free to click the like button and subscribe if you haven't already, and maybe I'll post more Charlie on my channel more often.”

He turns the camera off after that and sets it down on Dan's dresser as he enters. Dan's lying under the sheets, though Phil can see Dan's at least shirtless, his shoulders exposed.

“Starting without me?” Phil asks, tugging his own shirt off and dropping it, and he glances at the floor where, yeah, the rest of Dan's clothes are lying there. He shimmies out of his own clothing, watching Dan eye his body. “Lecher,” Phil hisses again and Dan shrugs.

“Just appreciating you for a bit.” He teases. He reaches for Phil and tugs him into the bed, pinning him down under Dan's weight and Phil licks his lips, preparing for Dan to lean in and kiss him.

Dan's left hand comes up to cup Phil's face, his thumb swiping slowly over Phil's lower lip and Phil, almost instinctively, puckers and catches Dan's thumb between his lips, tongue just grazing over the tip of Dan's finger.

Dan watches him and drags his finger back, sliding again over Phil's lips, wet tip smearing there.

Phil licks his lips again. “Kinda wanna suck you,” he tells Dan, who gives him a foggy grin, rolling his hips into Phil.

“Kinda want you to,” Dan agrees. And then Phil's rolling them so that Dan's flat on his back, letting Phil slip down his chest, kissing him there, kissing his stomach, down the little plane of hair, down to where Dan's hard and thick and just starting to leak precome.

Phil looks up at Dan, who's watching him. Dan really likes to see this, he's learned, and he sneaks his tongue out to just lap at the slit, where it's shiny and slick, and Dan sighs.

“Really glad we got this part figured out,” Dan comments as Phil slides his mouth down further, nodding as he goes, figuring it's impolite to talk with his mouth full.

He hollows out his cheeks, flattening his tongue across Dan's cock, bobbing his head so that he can stroke along the length wetly, and Dan's fingers are tangling in his hair, legs spreading wider.

Phil has come to find he actually quite enjoys this. Despite his previous twenty-nine years of theoretical heterosexuality, blowing Dan is about the most enjoyable thing he's ever done.

Mainly because it means that Dan sounds exactly like he does right now, which is full of gasps and throaty whines and he's rocking his hips up to meet Phil's mouth a little urgently. His fingers are seriously starting to fist at Phil's hair, tugging, and Phil rises a little, wondering if Dan's trying to pull him off.

“You okay?” Phil asks, pressing a kiss to Dan's hipbone.

“God yes,” Dan assents.

“You're gonna give me a bald spot if you keep pulling,” Phil warns him and Dan loosens his grip slightly.

“Sorry, just hard to not do that when you're busy looking so fucking good down there and feeling even better.” Dan apologises.

Phil returns to his prior ministrations, trying a technique he'd heard about while just maybe researching tips for this, fisting his left hand and squeezing down on his thumb, focusing on that as he pushes down on Dan's cock, and he doesn't know if there's something in the nerves or just the way it serves as a distraction, but he's able to take Dan all the way down to his base without any gag reflex, letting Dan push at the back of his throat.

His eyes water and he nudges forward just a bit further until he can't get Dan any further in his throat and Dan's whispering out a stream of “Jesus christ fucking hell Phil, warn a guy,” and he's not quite deep-throating Dan, but he's definitely taken every single last bit of Dan into his mouth, and Dan's hips are strained upwards towards him.

Inwardly pleased, Phil continues to suck Dan, each time sliding back and then pressing forward, taking him all the way in, and finally Dan's grabbing at him, whimpering, “You need to stop right now, I mean it, stop, holy shit, don't wanna come like this,” and Phil has no idea why Dan's trying to stop him but he pulls back, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Why wouldn't you want to come like that?” Phil asks.

Dan's flushed, pink-cheeked and breathless. “Wanna have sex. I bought lube online last time I did our shopping.”

“Oh.” Phil thinks about that prospect. Sure, he's had anal sex before with a girl but he's never had a dick in his ass.

He finds he's rather unopposed to the idea of Dan's dick inside him. “Yeah, okay, get the lube and you can – um – you can have me.”

Dan shakes his head. “No, I want you inside me,” he argues. “I don't mind.”

“I don't want to hurt you,” Phil says. “I mean, I've only done this twice with an ex – both times she said it hurt a fair amount.”

“Did you have lube?” Dan asks dryly. Which, no, they didn't, just spit and Phil pulling out of her after he'd been screwing her, using her own slickness as lubricant, and he admits that. “So, this might not hurt as much as you think.”

“Just get the lube and I'll get on all fours,” Phil argues back. “You can take me and then if you really want to, next time you'll get your turn.”

Dan lifts an eyebrow and reaches over to his bedside table, pulling it open and drawing out a clear tube of lube, and Phil thinks he's won this argument as Dan's shifting so that he's kneeling, as Dan squeezes lube onto his fingers.

“Condoms?”

“I, um. I didn't really want them. I'm clean, I know you're clean, I'm ninety-five percent sure you would have told me if you weren't seeing as I've been sucking you off for a couple of weeks now, and I'm not planning on sleeping with anybody else.” Dan comments.

“Why would I want anybody else either?” Phil asks. “You're kind of perfect. Wanna feel you inside me.”

Dan squirms visibly in front of him at that compliment. He shifts his weight and Phil watches as Dan slides his hand down, underneath himself, and he's pressing inside himself and Phil's jaw kind of hangs down dumbly.

“Thought I was gonna let you take me,” Phil says a little weakly. He doesn't have an argument left in his body, though. Not when he's watching Dan preparing himself.

“Not a chance. Not the first time,” Dan says, watching Phil as he presses inside deeper, until he's got two fingers flush underneath him and he doesn't look like it hurts, just more a little shy and awkward.

“I feel weird doing this in front of you,” Dan admits. “I didn't want it to hurt though, so I was looking up if it really helps to finger yourself and I guess it does.”

“Stop,” Phil breathes out. He wants to be doing this for Dan. “Lay on your back again, let me.” He reaches for the lube, slicking up his fingers and Dan's pulling his fingers out, wiping them stickily against his thigh.

“I feel all wet and slide-y,” Dan murmurs. Phil reaches down, kissing Dan's chest, kissing his shoulder, and presses two fingers to his hole, which is slippery and when he pushes inside, only slightly resistant.

Dan clamps down on him instinctively. “Feels a little weird,” and Phil won't admit it to Dan, but he's done research of his own, how to find the prostate, for when they eventually got around to this.

He works two fingers inside Dan, angling them, twisting, watching Dan for any sign of discomfort, and finally, after a minute of fumbling, he must find exactly what he's looking for, because Dan's face tightens and he clamps down again, inhaling sharply and his cock twitches against Phil's stomach.

“Jesus, I didn't think they were that serious about how good it felt,” Dan hisses out.

Now Phil's genuinely curious and hoping he has the same reaction as Dan if that's the case. “Want me to use three fingers?” He asks, wondering if that'll hurt Dan.

Dan only hesitates for a second. “Don't think you're quite as thick as that, so yeah. Use three. That way I'm definitely, um. Stretched out enough.”

It's how it always is, their first time starting something new. Both of them blushing and stumbling through their words.

Phil drizzles a little more lube onto his fingers, onto his ring finger, and presses it to Dan's entrance and eases it inside, watching Dan bite his lip and tighten around him again.

“Feel really spread open,” Dan says, and his legs are parting, pushing up so his feet are flat against the bed, lifting his hips a little.

“You okay?” Phil asks, kissing his skin again. “If it's too much, I'll pull back,” and Dan shakes his head.

When Phil looks at Dan, he notices how wide Dan's pupils are, spread black and almost hiding his irises. “It's weird,” Dan mumbles. “It almost feels good to be spread like this, when you're doing it. It was weird when I was doing it to myself but you doing it is really hot.”

Phil doesn't want to admit just how hot he finds it himself. He leans back and watches as he works his fingers in and out of Dan, watching the way they disappear inside Dan, as he uses his previous knowledge to find and nudge at Dan's sweet spot again until Dan gasps and squeezes so tight around him.

“Gotta stop that, you're building me up,” Dan warns. “You want me to actually last long enough for you to get inside me, right?”

Phil takes that as encouragement to hurry up and so he withdraws his fingers and lets lube drip onto his cock, using his hand to spread it, wiping his hands off on his thighs as Dan had done.

“Definitely showering after this,” Phil comments. “I have lube all over me.”

“Dude, I call first shower, I have lube up my ass,” Dan argues and Phil can't help smiling. This is exactly the weirdness of the situation summed up and Dan doesn't look tense at all, thank god.

Phil had, both times, taken his girlfriend from behind and so this angle is going to be new and different. “Lift up your hips more,” he says, until he can nudge the tip of his dick to Dan's bum, nudging his hips forward until he's pushing inside Dan, just the head, and Dan's watching him, mouth open in a tiny “o”, breathing in.

“Didn't think about the girth factor,” Dan says on an exhale. “Your fingers aren't as thick as your dick is.” His voice is tight. “Doesn't hurt too bad, though. Just more uncomfortable.”

Phil slides forward further and holds there. Dan's tight and hot around him, even with the lube making things slippery, and it's been so long since the last time he's done this, and he'd forgotten just how good it feels, and it feels even better without a condom.

He leans forward and kisses Dan square on the mouth. “Let me know if it hurts,” Phil says softly, pulling back. The angle is a little difficult and Dan's not responding the way he did earlier when Phil was hitting his prostate with his fingers, though Dan's still sighing a noise of what sounds like pleasure.

“Even this feels pretty decent. Knowing you're inside me.” Dan murmurs. He lets his face fall to the side and Phil kisses his throat, bites down gently.

“You know, remind me, when I do this to you at some point,” Dan adds, “to see what happens if I'm sucking you off and using a couple fingers inside you to see if you're responsive to that whole prostate thing and your nipples at the same time.”

Christ, there goes his dirty-talking and Phil snaps his hips forward at the thought, rocking Dan. Dan's thighs slip down and Phil reaches for them, catching them, and he pushes them up, pushes them back until he can hook Dan's legs over his shoulders, so he can shift the angle until he's deep.

He knows he's longer than average and he watches as he presses forward, presses inside inch by inch until he's buried completely inside Dan and Dan stifles a whine, choking out a noise.

“So full,” Dan manages to enunciate. “Fuck, Phil.” Phil glances down, where he's pushed tight inside Dan, and Dan's cock is still stiff, leaking precome across his stomach, a sticky trail hanging from the tip.

“Go on, move,” Dan encourages him. The way Phil's holding him must have changed the angle because this time, when Phil drags his hips back, thrusts forward, Dan gasps and his eyes squeeze shut.

“Right like that, yeah,” Dan groans. “God, you're amazing, you really are.”

Phil lets the obvious joke fade away before it's even said and instead focuses on setting a steady pace, feeling Dan reach for Phil's arms, squeezing tight, and Phil slides one hand to Dan's waist, the other for his cock.

The second he touches Dan's dick, strokes it, Dan twitches. “Don't you dare, I'm going to fucking come if you so much as do that,” he warns, clamping down tight on Phil and that's bliss, that's bliss right there, and Phil buries himself in Dan.

“What, you think you're going to come without me touching you?” Phil asks, head swimming and Dan grunts yes, heels digging into the flesh of Phil's back. “Fuck,” Phil ducks down and bites at Dan's clavicle, sucks the skin, and tries to focus not on the pleasure building low in his abdomen, tight and sharp and perfect.

He's got to hold back on coming until Dan does and if Dan doesn't want him to touch, he doesn't know how long that'll take. So he catches both of Dan's hips under his palms and squeezes tight, fucking deep into Dan as he bites at Dan's skin. “Wear a collared shirt if you go in public,” Phil warns, intent on marking Dan, so he can look at Dan and know whenever he sees the bruise exactly what happened when it was made.

Dan's whining and whimpering, rocking his weight back against Phil on every movement that Phil makes. “Please don't even think of stopping,” Dan begs. His thighs tremble as Phil moves, rubs over _that_ spot again, and Phil breaks away from biting and sucking at Dan's skin long enough to see that Dan's definitely close to coming, he can see it written all across Dan's face, and thank god, because Phil's so close that he doesn't know how much longer he can hold out.

“Gotta touch you,” Phil hisses, reaches down, wraps his fingers around Dan's cock, squeezes and tugs the length of it, and he barely manages that three times when Dan lets out a dark noise that sends a shudder through Phil, arches up, and he's coming across his stomach, throbbing under Phil's touch, squeezing tight around Phil's cock, and Phil can feel the way it rolls through Dan, and that right there, he can actually feel Dan coming around him, it sets him off where he squeezes so tight at Dan's hips that he _knows_ there'll be a bruise there, his own orgasm sweeping across him and leaving him brainless, gasping out Dan's name as he shudders, sinks so deep that he can't stop rutting deep into Dan even though he can't go further, and finally, collapses forward breathlessly.

When he pulls back after a few seconds, his thighs are shaking and so are Dan's, as he lets Dan's legs slide away from his shoulders and back to the bed. “You okay?” Phil asks. “How sore are you?”

“Not nearly as sore as I expected. Definitely worth repeating. Kind of like the soreness,” Dan admits. “It's a nice reminder to what happened.” He's speaking in his own little breathy pants, catching his breath.

“That was incredible,” Phil gets out, turning to press his face into Dan's shoulder. “You are doing that to me at some point so I can see if I like it as much as you seemed to.”

“Well, I'm taking a shower right now and I see no point in getting all sticky and gross again later tonight, but tomorrow night sounds promising,” Dan suggests. He swings up, standing naked, and Phil wants to memorise this image, because Dan naked, flushed cheeks and chest, a little sweaty, hair curling at the edges, he still can't get enough of it.

“You're gorgeous,” Phil murmurs. “Wish I could get a picture of you like this.”

“Go hunt down my old dailybooth photos,” Dan jokes. “Took enough of them.”

“Attention seeker,” Phil calls him on it. “Go take a shower – save me some hot water. I'm gonna go wash off my hands in the kitchen and relax until you're done.”

He watches as Dan tugs on a pair of sweatpants that he fishes out of a dresser drawer and then shuffles off towards their bathroom, then dresses himself and goes to do as he previously mentioned.

Yeah, he is definitely letting Dan do this to him tomorrow. If Dan's reaction is anything to go on, he's actually looking forward to it. Fuck nervousness.


	25. Chapter 25

Tomorrow doesn't happen though. Charlie decides that night to be fussy and it takes an hour to actually get him to sleep and by the end of it, neither of them are particularly in the mood.

It continues, that trend, Charlie suddenly no longer interested in sleep, and for the next five days, they're too frustrated to even want to fool around after they've finally gotten him down for bed.

They still have time for kisses and affectionate moments between them, but they're just tired and frustrated and not in the mood.

Phil swears he didn't think he would fit into the trope of parents never having sex so quickly but it's starting to feel like they are and he mentions it to Dan, who laughs and pulls Phil closer on the sofa, draping an arm over him as Charlie finally sleeps.

“So we've got our US tour dates figured out, should we think about switching up the tour a bit for as long as it'll have been between the tours and while I know you asked for no spoilers, I'm sure it's out there by now?” Dan asks. “Figure out new things we can do?”

They've set the tour to be from early January to mid-February and while it's going to be  _freezing_ , it's the earliest they can get everything together and frankly, the US fans have waited too long for this. 

They've got confirmation that they'll have a babysitter coming with them on a second tour bus with all of Charlie's stuff, and they hope they'll have enough security. They know they have security for the meet and greet but they're thinking about hiring someone to watch over Charlie's bus just in case there are fangirls there too. They're not sure if they can afford it, though, without significantly raising prices of tickets.

“Yeah, let's try and think up some new stuff,” Phil agrees. “Did you want to maybe try and plan a day to hang out with PJ and Chris too? I'm kind of wanting a game night with them.”

“Sure. If you want, um. I think I'm ready to come out to them now.” Dan says quietly. “Now that we're officially boyfriends,” and he actually flushes a little. “And have been for a bit.”

“You don't have to,” Phil says, not wanting Dan to feel forced. “I mean, I know you've always been defensive in the past when people would ask about us being an item so I don't want you to feel obligated.”

“No, I mean. I think Chris and PJ would understand and keep it quiet, obviously. Plus, maybe it'll encourage them to figure out whatever their feelings are for each other. Because we both saw how they were interacting last time we saw them.” Dan says. He leans his head to Phil's shoulder, resting it there.

“You sure?” Phil asks. “I mean, you've got a good point there.”

“Okay, well, invite them over and I guess when they're here we can just be … us, and they'll figure it out fast enough.”

“Given that you have a nasty tendency to leave hickies on my neck,” Phil grumps. He can't really complain, he's done just as bad to Dan on numerous occasions now.

So they text PJ and Chris between themselves and come up with a day to hang out, which will be sometime next week.

Phil gets sick that week. He can feel it coming on as a tickle in his throat and eventually it reaches a point to where he starts coughing and his nose runs and finally it reaches a point that he's absolutely wiped out, lying in bed unable to summon the energy to do anything.

It's so bad that Dan actually moves Charlie's crib into Dan's room and he sleeps there, taking care of Charlie without letting Phil near him so that Charlie doesn't get sick either.

Phil is eternally grateful to Dan and doesn't know what he'd do without him, though he does miss the kissing and cuddling. Kissing is definitely out of the question and while Dan stands in front of Phil and looks at him with almost a longing expression on his face, he doesn't sit next to Phil.

Instead he takes up emoting hugs at Phil over text and Skype. It's almost like when they first met and were becoming good friends. Phil's phone is inundated with  _ -hug- _ from Dan and he finds it absolutely adorable.

He sleeps for hours at a time and it's a testament to how sick he feels that he doesn't even wake up to Charlie crying in Dan's room across the hall.

Dan makes him endless mugs of lemsip and brings him soup and warm buttery bread to dip in the soup and basically tries his best to get Phil better as fast as possible without actually getting too close and risking getting sick himself.

This goes on for four days and finally on the fifth day, Phil thinks he's starting to finally mend.

He misses his baby. He's literally spent probably all of two hours with Charlie in total and that's been very careful, directly after showering, so he's as clean as possible, so he doesn't get Charlie sick.

He's barely spent any time with Dan either. So when the sixth day comes and it's the day that PJ and Chris are going to come over and he wakes up with no cough, no sniffles, no sick signs at all, he practically runs from his own, very empty bed to Dan's, sneaking into Dan's bed and kissing the back of his neck, curling himself up around Dan's form.

Dan sighs in his sleep and leans back against Phil, one leg sliding between Phil's, and Phil moves to rub one hand up Dan's arm, cupping Dan to him, wrapping his arm over Dan's chest.

He doesn't push anything further, not wanting to actually violate Dan in his sleep. Dan mumbles and shoves his weight back against Phil and then a minute later, starts to wake up.

“Phil?” He mutters into his pillow. “What are you doing in my bed?”

“I'm all better, I think. Figured we could fool around before Chris and PJ get here. I haven't touched you in days, I'm dying to touch you. Or maybe we could try what we were originally planning on trying like, what was it, ten days ago now?”

“I can't believe we haven't so much as had a handjob from each other in ten days. We've been dating all of two months, this is pathetic.” Dan agrees.

“Well, we could always get down to business right now.” Phil murmurs. “I'm right here and you seem rather interested,” he comments, because Dan's hips are flush to his own and Dan's kind of lazily rubbing his arse back against Phil's groin.

“Get out of your pyjamas,” Dan growls, rolling over and on top of Phil. Phil lifts his hips as Dan pushes at his pyjama pants, until they're down around his thighs, Phil's shirt tugged off moments later, and Dan's undressing himself, matching Phil in a similar state of not quite fully undressed but enough clothing out of the way to get things going.

Dan wraps his hand around the both of their dicks, kissing Phil, and Phil snogs him back needily. “You better be a hundred percent better,” Dan warns. “If you wind up getting me sick I'll murder you.”

“I'm more than a hundred percent better now that this is happening,” Phil jokes. He thrusts into Dan's hand and runs his own hands across Dan's hips, daring to even palm Dan's ass, which is pretty damn nice, and Dan squirms.

“You're groping my ass why?” Dan asks.

“It's nice.” Phil says pointedly. “You're my boyfriend, don't I get to grope your arse now?”

“It's weird, though, isn't it?” Dan asks, even as he continues stroking them.

“Would it be weird if you were a girl? Or if you groped a girl's arse?” Phil comments, though he's not sure why there's talking going on when they're busy doing something much better.

Dan seems to consider it for a second. “Okay, fine, you win that argument. I'll try to stop thinking it's weird. Just not used to it.”

“I won't do it too much,” Phil offers. “Until you get used to it. I just... I like your butt now, okay? I like it when you're rubbing it up against me when we're in bed and I liked seeing- okay, I can't say that, it's too dirty.”

Dan grunts. “You have to say it now,” he encourages, working a free hand down to Phil's balls, stroking.

Phil presses his face into Dan's chest and stifles a moan. “Liked watching my dick pushing between your arsecheeks.” He mumbles and Dan chuckles, a dark noise.

“You're filthy, Phil.” He announces, sounding pleased as punch. “Guess I'm going to have to find out soon enough if I like it on my end as well,” and there's the promise of him fucking Phil soon enough.

“You could find out right now if you want,” Phil offers. He's eager. Dan stops stroking them off and is actually fumbling for the lube in the bedside drawer when there's a soft noise, a cry.

_Shit._ Phil forgot Dan moved Charlie into his own bedroom while Phil was sick. Phil doesn't want to have sex in front of his baby, holy Christ no, and he wonders just how much of this Charlie had heard. 

“Pants up, abort plan, baby is awake,” Phil says desperately. “We are not having sex in front of our kid.”

He gently pushes Dan off him, yanking his pyjamas up and getting out of bed, wheeling the crib back from Dan's room to his own and taking Charlie out of it. “Morning, Charlie-barley,” he says cheerfully, despite having just been robbed out of a perfectly good orgasm.

“Moh-nin,” Charlie replies, a toddler's attempting at “morning,” and Phil cuddles him so tightly.

“I missed you so much these last few days,” he tells his baby. Dan watches from the edge of the door.

“Okay, you are spending the day with your kid since you haven't gotten a chance to spend time with him given that you've been sick for the last five days, but tonight,” and here Dan smiles at Phil, who is looking at him while Charlie hugs him and clutches his fingers to Phil's shirt, “I'm going to have you the way you had me and we'll see just how much I can make you enjoy it.”

His smile is lascivious and Phil's erection, which had softened immediately upon realising that Charlie was awake and in the room, half-flags again. “Not in front of our kid,” Phil says, “Don't talk like that!”

His brain says no but his body wants to let Dan drag him back into Dan's room right then and there. But he's missed his baby and taking care of him due to being sick and Charlie's busy talking to him, saying, “Dada, here,” and yanking at his shirt again.

“Wanna go watch some telly together?” Phil asks and Charlie gives him a quiet, “Yah,” so Phil carries Charlie into the lounge.

“I'll make us some breakfast,” Dan tells him. “Peej and Chris will be here in a little bit.”

Phil's really glad that he's gotten over his sickness in time for hanging out. Dan's already pulled out Monopoly, which should monopolise (pun intended) a good portion of the afternoon and Dan's pretty sure he can convince PJ and Chris to play DDR as well at some point.

They now own Karaoke Revolution, because, well. Dan had seen fit to buy it after they'd come to the decision to hang with Chris and PJ for humorous purposes. Phil can't imagine what it's going to sound like.

They also now own a cheap, plastic microphone that plugs in to the console and Phil thinks will break if they drop it, and apparently you don't even have to sing, you can hum if you really want, and that sounds like a cheap cop-out, but Dan had declared it would be an awesome game to play while they were drinking.

Phil's gotten more comfortable about drinking with Charlie. While he won't be blasted, Charlie's big enough that they can just put him in his crib and keep an eye on him and he won't need constant attention and Phil can relax and have a few drinks and he'll be sober enough again by the time Charlie's bedtime comes.

Plus, he'll be sober for whatever Dan wants to do after their kid is asleep. Phil thinks briefly of the idea of Dan's fingers skimming up his thigh and pushing between his arse cheeks and while he's got no idea how it'll actually feel, he feels a flutter of interest in his stomach.

To distract himself, he turns his attention back to his son. “What do you want to watch, Charlie?” He goes over to their little selection of DVDs for Charlie, spreads them out over the floor. They've seen all of them at least three times, but whatever. He sets Charlie down on the floor and Charlie reaches for one, probably not knowing what he's actually picking, just grabbing for something.

“Oh, okay,” Phil agrees. “We'll watch Peppa Pig's birthday video,” he says. He puts it in the DVD player and settles in with Charlie on his lap, pressing play and starting the eighty minute show. It's a bunch of little episodes devoted to things like learning the alphabet and while it's aimed at preschoolers, Charlie enjoys it enough himself.

Dan joins them a few minutes later. He's brought them toasted bagels, cinnamon-raisin with butter and a bit of jam spread on them, plus coffee, and Charlie's got oatmeal, and Phil takes his two bagels from Dan and bites off a hunk, leaning over to kiss Dan's cheek.

“Thanks for breakfast,” he says and Dan nods, sliding an arm over the back of the couch, around Phil's shoulder, squeezing lightly.

Even after the bagels have been eaten and paper plates set off to the side, they sit and watch an asinine children's show while Charlie squeals his delight over it and a few minutes before it ends, Phil's phone goes off.

_Phil, let us in, it's hot outside._ It's a message from PJ and Phil takes 'us' to mean that he and Chris have arrived together. He wonders what that means. 

“Peej and Chris are here,” Phil announces. “You wanna go let them in and I'll put Charlie in his crib out here so we can hang with them?” 

It's now one in the afternoon and Phil quickly checks Charlie for needing a diaper change, but he doesn't need one yet, so he sets Charlie in his bedroom crib with his stuffed zebra and a toy that lights up different colours when you push different buttons and makes noises. It's annoying but effective at distracting Charlie. 

When Dan arrives with PJ and Chris in tow behind him, he glances at Phil. “So, should we just...” he says, tilting his head to the side. 

“What? Oh. Yeah, maybe. It'll be-?” Phil agrees. 

“-easier? Yeah, or we might not get to it.” Dan comments, shifting, then coming to stand next to Phil. 

“Better to not put it off,” Phil comments. PJ and Chris are watching them. 

“I swear, you two have a psychic link,” PJ comments. “I mean, you two never miss a beat with each other and finish each other's sentences. So what are we not putting off?” 

Dan glances at Phil. “Well, we've been for a couple of months now, sort of ...” he pauses and looks at Phil. “You sure, Philly?” 

“I've mentioned this before, but kicking your shins until they bleed with that 'Philly' thing,” Phil threatens. 

“Nah, you told me you liked it, remember?” Dan teases. 

“I rescind it. Completely and utterly.” Phil informs him and he looks over at Dan, and Dan's grinning at him, and his stomach flip-flops, so he does the only thing there is to do which is grin back and Dan's smile grows even brighter. 

“Philly,” Dan whispers and Phil tries to arrange his face into a frown, fails miserably. Dan bites his lip. “You sure?”

“You sure?” Phil counters. He's sure. Dan's the wild card here. Dan's always been more insecure between them. Dan glances over at PJ and Chris who are staring at them in utter confusion, and then Dan leans in and cuts through the distance between them and kisses Phil, who kisses back sweetly, not heated, just cupping Dan's face, stroking the skin. 

_It's okay, it's just Peej and Chris_ , he thinks, trying to get that point across with his fingers and mouth to Dan. When Dan pulls back, he's only slightly wide-eyed. Phil traverses his gaze to their friends. 

Chris's jaw is hanging just slightly open while PJ has his own jaw locked, gaze pensive. 

“So, you guys are an item, then?” Chris asks, eager. PJ glances at him and Phil recognises that look. Curiosity, the kind of curiosity of what could be. PJ is looking at Chris the same way that he knows he started looking at Dan a few months back. 

PJ quickly resumes looking at Dan and Phil though. “Not unexpected, to be honest,” he says. “I mean, it was pretty much fifty-fifty.” 

“Does this mean we'll have to shack up next?” Chris asks PJ and Phil watches as PJ's face goes from neutral to where his eyes widen and mouth drops just slightly and then just as fast he rearranges it back to neutral. 

“You wish,” PJ tells him. Chris rests his chin on PJ's shoulder and blows a breath over his neck and PJ stares at Phil, eyes wide, mouth parting again. 

“You wish,” Chris counters. Phil offers PJ a small smile. He thinks, wanting to transmit to PJ now, _it's okay to want it. Give in. Chris might want it too. I bet he does._ He knows it's useless, but his little smile sets PJ at ease, and PJ steps out from under Chris's touch even though he turns to smile at his friend. 

“Wine me and dine me, try it at a later date,” PJ snorts. His eyes tell a different story from the fake smile on his face. His eyes are serious. Phil wonders if Chris can read that like Phil's seeing now. 

“So, boys,” Dan announces, breaking the banter of Chris and PJ. “I pulled out Monopoly, I figured we could spend a couple hours at that, and then once that gets boring, I have wine and rum and Karaoke Revolution, and we can make utter fools of ourselves,” he finishes up. 

“Yes, karaoke!” Chris says, exuberantly. “We should have brought the Twister mat if we were going to be drinking!”

“Yeah, Chris,” PJ says sarcastically. “All of us are over six feet and mostly legs and stumbling at best of times, we should clearly combine that with alcohol.”

“You just dream of getting to stumble all over me and grab at me,” Chris shoots back and PJ stares at Phil who offers only the tiniest of smiles. Phil glances at Dan, who has a look on his face and Phil can almost guess that he's going to try to do something like Truth or Dare and dare them to kiss so Phil leans over and whispers in his ear, “No, you cannot truth or dare them into it. Let them figure it out on their own.”

“How dare you insinuate I might have done that? Fine,” Dan complains in his own quiet whisper back, and then turns back to their guests. “Okay, Monopoly first! We can make merry with wine and karaoke later.” 

“Or we can make merry with wine _now_ , so we're nice and sauced for making fools of ourselves when it comes to karaoke,” Chris argues. 

Which is exactly what happens. They break open a couple of bottles of wine over the next couple of hours and amazingly enough, PJ ends up winning Monopoly by getting both the green and blue cards and making that stretch of land dangerous as hell with hotels until there's no way to get past it without forking over cash or mortgaging things and eventually they concede. 

Phil takes the time while Dan gets Karaoke Revolution ready to change Charlie and also brings him out for a few minutes to feed him and Chris and PJ say their hellos to Charlie, who grins brightly for them. 

Phil lets Chris and PJ take Charlie for a few minutes and goes over to Dan, giving him a quick kiss just because, and it's nice to be able to do it in front of their friends, who don't even seem to notice or blink, because they're busy playing with Charlie. 

“Leave him out, we can take turns holding him,” Chris suggests. “He can help judge us,” and Phil agrees because they're not so drunk that they can't hold a baby, just tipsy enough for things to be funnier than usual. 

They've set up the Wii and the game's ready and they all pick their first songs. They're going alphabetically and Chris is up first with “Eye of the Tiger”, which he performs with enthusiastic hip thrusts for some reason on emphasised words, which has Dan cackling, and then Dan's next, doing a fairly decent cover of “Hey There Delilah”, with his soft voice actually matching the notes and Phil even closes his eyes for a few seconds and loses himself in Dan's singing.

Then it's Phil's turn and he chose, of all things, “Wannabe” by The Spice Girls, simply for ironic purposes and Dan had uttered his appreciation for ironic song choices to which PJ had intoned, “So gay, you two are so gay now,” teasing them. 

Phil screws his face up and does silly faces at his baby while he sings, affecting a falsetto, and Charlie giggles and claps his hands at Phil, and at one point, Phil reaches over to get Charlie from Chris and dances around with his baby, bouncing him, making Charlie squeal, which screws up his score on the game but he doesn't really care.

Finally PJ's up with “Mr. Brightside” by the Killers and they all end up doing it as some sort of group karaoke, unable to resist, Dan not even letting PJ get out the first note without joining him and Phil and Chris joining in a few seconds later, and Dan's air-guitaring and headbanging and Phil's laughing so hard his stomach hurts, where he has to put Charlie down in his resting station in the living room, falling back on the couch with helpless giggles. 

“Dan, stop,” he manages to get out, “You look ridiculous,” and Dan just carries on, and even PJ's having trouble singing, laughing at Dan. 

They have another round after the song ends, with “I'm Like a Bird,” “Seven Nation Army”, “Losing My Religion”, and “Staying Alive” being songs of choice respectively, and then they're moving onto songs they don't know as well and kind of half-mumble along to, just crooning out “ooo” to match the notes when they don't actually know how the lyrics go, and Charlie's making “ahhh” noises too, as if he's singing along. 

Between the wine and the karaoke, it's the most fun Phil's had in a long time and he finds himself hugging PJ and Chris hard when they go to leave, although he does pull PJ aside and says, “Just tell him, okay?” very softly, to which PJ glances at Chris and back at Phil. “It'll be fine, just tell him.” 

And about three hours later, after they've left and it's coming up on eight at night, Phil gets a text that reads,  _Tell Dan I owe him that ten quid, I guess. Also this is incredibly awkward and please tell me it gets better because I'm naked in Chris's bed and he's currently napping on my shoulder._

Phil grins. “So Peej and Chris have apparently hooked up too,” he says, showing Dan the message. He texts back,  _don't freak out on Chris and it'll be fine._

“Man, I don't miss the awkward portion of figuring out things,” Dan says. “It seems so long ago even though it was only like, a month ago.” 

“Well, there's still one awkward thing left, I guess. Which you've said we'll find out tonight if I enjoy,” Phil comments quietly. “I mean, I'm still a little nervous about it.” 

Dan props his chin on Phil's shoulder and leans in just enough to kiss Phil's neck lightly. “Don't be. It'll be fine. In fact, you wanna feed Charlie and put him in his crib and I'll show you just how fine it'll be?” 

“Just how much did it hurt?” Phil asks, even as he gets up to get Charlie and go into the kitchen and give him some banana. 

“It didn't really hurt. It was a little uncomfortable but then it felt really nice,” Dan tells him, following him. “Charlieboy, you're going to bed early tonight, sorry, you don't get to stay up late. Just promise not to wake us up at four in the morning?” 

“Da,” Charlie says cheerily at Dan who smiles and plunks a kiss on Charlie's nose. 

“Okay, then. We're agreed. You let me and your father have our fun and you'll sleep in like a good boy.” 

Phil's brain is quickly fogging up with thoughts of what's going to happen and he sort of hazily feeds Charlie and puts him to bed and Dan's following him the entire time, and as soon as Charlie's down in his crib, Dan's tugging him into the hall, across it, into Dan's room, and is pushing him onto the bed, kissing him.

“Clothes,” Dan says. “Off. Ten days is way too long to go without getting you off.” Phil hurriedly discards his clothing, watching Dan do the same, and he notes yet again that Dan's thicker than him and wonders just how much more uncomfortable it'll be for him. 

What with the rush that Dan is in to get them unclothed, he's expecting Dan to go straight for the lube. He's not expecting Dan to kneel next to him and kiss him softly, then begin a slow line of kisses down Phil's chest, over his ribs, over his stomach and hips, leaving little nips as he goes that mark up Phil's skin just briefly. 

Dan settles even further down and lays more presses of his mouth to inside Phil's thighs, across his kneecap, getting off the bed to even reach Phil's ankle and kiss there, and begin to travel back up. 

“What are you doing?” Phil asks in confusion. “You were so eager to get me naked and now you're just kissing me all over.” 

“Getting you relaxed,” Dan says. “I don't want you nervous. So just lay back and let me lavish all my affection on you.” 

Phil is definitely unopposed to that and so he does, letting Dan come back up with his kisses until he reaches Phil's mouth, and there, he sprawls his weight, carefully balanced so that he's not crushing Phil, and kisses him slow and deep, and does not take it any further than that until Phil's almost intoxicated with Dan and his body and his kisses. 

It's only when Phil's hips are rocking of their own accord and his fingers are digging into the soft hair at the nape of Dan's neck and he's making tiny whining noises that Dan pulls back and leans to get the lube. 

“Just stay relaxed,” Dan tells him. “I'm not going to hurt you.” Phil just watches as Dan coats his long fingers up with the lube, watches as Dan reaches between them, feels the almost-cold touch of one finger to his arsehole and tightens up automatically. 

“Relax,” Dan tells him again, and he rubs his finger over it, getting the lube all smeared there, then presses a finger inside and it's invasive as hell but it doesn't hurt. Phil hadn't really thought one finger would hurt, to be honest, but it does feel weird. 

Dan doesn't hesitate to work a second finger inside and there's where it feels a little uncomfortable, as he presses two fingers flush to his third knuckle into Phil, and Phil closes his eyes, trying to get used to the sensation of something entering him. 

“Gonna just figure out where your little happy button is,” Dan tells him. “So just, I don't know, try to get comfortable while I do that. I mean, google's only so helpful.” 

Phil tries to relax and Dan's kissing his throat, biting gently, not hard enough to leave marks, just enough to make Phil shiver, to try and distract him, and it's working a little. It's easier to untense his muscles and Dan's fingers, while still intrusive, aren't quite as strange, now that he's getting used to the sensation of them inside him.

Dan's fingers are pressing around, working in and out of him and turning, angling, and it takes Dan a minute where Phil wonders just whether or not it's going to actually feel good, but then Dan finds his prostate and Phil inhales sharply because while it's not mind-blowingly good, it definitely is an improvement, that spot sends a little curl of heat through him, and when Dan's found it, he takes his time, working his fingers over it repeatedly, while pleasure builds inside Phil. 

He's not as sensitive to it as Dan is, it appears, but it still feels good, and eventually Dan stops stroking and adds more lube, adds a third finger. There's where it hurts a little and Phil arches up, hisses a noise.

“Calm down,” Dan tells him softly, not pulling back, keeping his fingers deep inside Phil, and Phil tries to picture what that must look like, because he knows Dan's a visual kink guy now, and he wonders if Dan's watching his fingers sliding in and out of Phil and getting turned on by it, and that helps calm him down, distracting him. 

“Are you watching,” Phil exhales, “and enjoying it?” He wants to know. He peers at Dan, having had his eyes mostly closed through this, trying to get used to the feelings that Dan's giving him. 

Dan looks at him with a faint smile. “Yeah. It's definitely going to be nice to watch myself slip into you and see you taking every inch of me,” and he's doing that dirty-talk thing that gets Phil's head spinning. 

“Which reminds me, I think I promised something,” Dan comments. He sweeps his free hand up as he leans over and slides his mouth over Phil's cock, finding a nipple and pinching, using his fingers to rub right where he needs to inside Phil and Phil distantly remembers Dan mentioning doing this. 

He groans at the stimulation of his nipple, his cock, his prostate all at once, shuddering, and Dan bobs his head down, lets his tongue slide all warm and slippery over Phil's cock, pinches his nipple again, and starts to finger-fuck Phil. 

“Should I make you come like this and wait until you're hard for round two and then have you?” Dan pulls off Phil long enough to ask before sliding his mouth back down. 

“No,” Phil gasps out, canting his hips up towards Dan's mouth. “Another time. Don't want to put this off. Want you inside me,” and he's already kind of close, so he adds, almost urgently, “now, because I'm not sure how long I can hold off if you keep that up.” 

Dan stops what he's doing immediately, lifting his head and licking his lips, smiling at Phil. “You sound just slightly undone,” he comments. “It's nice to know I did that to you.”

“Stop being smug,” Phil requests a little raggedly, ignoring that Dan's completely right, “get your fingers out of me and, um.”

“Put my dick inside you?” Dan asks, dirty-talking Phil some more. He seems to have figured out that Phil likes it. 

“Yeah, that,” Phil squirms under Dan's gaze. He watches as Dan slicks himself up. “If it hurts, you'll stop?”

“Duh, Phil. I'll stop if you tell me to,” Dan tells him, kissing him, and it should be weird, kissing Dan just after he had his mouth around Phil's dick, but it's not. “Legs up,” Dan says, and he positions them until Phil, lying on his back, has his knees bent back towards his chest, his calves resting on Dan's shoulders, while Dan kneels, leans forward slightly, holding himself steady and then - 

\- Phil feels the press of Dan's cock against his entrance. He feels Dan nudge forward and he's being opened up and it's so much different, so much wider than fingers and it does hurt a little, enough that his mouth parts and he inhales and tightens.

“Mm, no, relax,” Dan tells him. “Breathe, relax.” Phil tries to focus on Dan's eyes, which are wide and watching him, and he reaches up, runs his hands to grip Dan's forearms, where Dan is stroking his thighs lightly, soothingly. 

“Want me to stop?” Dan asks, stilling his movement. He's barely inside, just the tip. Phil shakes his head. 

“Go on, just push inside me, don't go slow. I want to feel you,” Phil tells him. Dan cocks his head just slightly, as if asking Phil if he's sure, but when Phil doesn't say anything to the contrary, Dan runs his hands down Phil's thighs to hold his hips and pushes forward steadily, filling Phil up, glancing down as he does to watch.

Phil groans out a noise because Dan's big and it's uncomfortable and it does hurt a little but at the same time, watching Dan's face as heat clouds it as he watches himself sinking inside Phil sends a little flutter of pleasure through Phil and eases the discomfort just slightly. 

“You okay?” Dan asks, once he's bottomed out inside Phil. He doesn't move yet and Phil breathes in slowly, trying to relax, and he feels stretched out but he's adjusting, and after a few more seconds, he nods. 

Dan pulls back and starts to move, alternating watching Phil and watching the slide of himself in and out of Phil, and he reaches down to stroke Phil. “Feel good yet?” he asks. 

“I mean, it's weird,” Phil says, even as Dan's fingers curling around his cock make him gasp, “but yeah, it's kind of hot.”

Dan leans forward to kiss him and that changes the angle and that angle is a good thing because suddenly he's hitting the right spot inside Phil again and it's different with Dan thrusting inside him, his fingers around Phil's cock. It's so much better somehow. 

It's so much better because he can watch Dan's face right up by his, while Dan alternates kissing him and pulling back with each thrust, and he's so full, feeling Dan move inside him, and Dan doesn't seem nearly as built up as Phil was the first time they did this, and Phil loses himself as Dan rolls his hips over and over, stroking off Phil with one hand. 

Phil doesn't want to come yet and he bites his lower lip hard, fighting it, pushing Dan's hand away from his cock, even as his head swims with pleasure and he can feel, now that his body has adjusted, just how good it is to have Dan sinking and pulling back in and out of him, filling him up each time, and Dan's talking quietly, telling Phil how tight and hot he is around Dan's cock, and the dirty talk is going to be what undoes Phil if Dan doesn't shut up. 

“Dan, you gotta stop talking, you're gonna make me come just from listening to that,” Phil warns and Dan looks at him and a small smile crosses his face. 

“You like hearing me tell you what you feel like around me?” He asks in between thrusts, grunting at the end of his sentence, as he pushes home particularly deep and Phil arches up, feels Dan's balls hitting his arse, feels the jettison of pleasure shooting through his spine. 

“You get off on seeing it, I get off on hearing about it,” Phil pants out breathlessly, brainlessly. Dan leans in and picks a spot low enough on Phil's throat, his clavicle, that it won't be visible, and bites down hard, muttering something about wanting to know that Phil is his through his bite, and Phil is so fucking close, and that idea, that Dan is claiming him so possessively, just drags him even closer. 

He really thinks he might come without someone touching him and even as a teenager, fumbling around with someone, he's never come without touching himself, but he's also never experienced this before, and it feels amazing. He doesn't think he's as sensitive as Dan is to prostate play but it still feels so good, but what's really getting him off is the psychological thrill of being filled by Dan.

Dan pulls back, licking his lips as he fucks into Phil over and over, and he's pushed Phil's legs back as far as they'll go and is stretching Phil, sliding over his prostate with each thrust, and he's moving faster now, pupils dilating, and he stares at Phil with heat in his eyes. “Come on,” he encourages. “Wanna feel you when you're coming around me, how tight and hot you'll be then, make it even better for me,” and yeah, his dirty talk is what sends Phil over the edge. 

It overwhelms him and suddenly his cock is twitching and shooting come across his stomach, pulsing, and he's clamping down tight on Dan, crying out Dan's name in surprise, half-astonished that he really did come without being touched, and Dan's groaning, eyes falling shut and mouth parting as he rocks deep into Phil and it only takes Dan a few more solid thrusts into Phil before he's coming too. Phil can feel it, he can actually feel Dan's come shooting inside him, and it feels so weird, but it's so hot at the same time, knowing Dan's come is filling him, and he thinks he's a hell of a lot kinkier than he ever knew. 

As Dan pulls out and collapses forward against Phil, breathing heavily, Phil manages to mumble out, “I have no idea why they always make me the top in fanfiction because there is no way in hell I'm going more than a week without letting you do that to me again,” and Dan starts laughing at him, astonished at what Phil's said. 

“I am more than willing to let you be on bottom because that, frankly, felt amazing.” Dan manages to get out between his laughter. “Never had anything that tight around me, it was incredible.” 

Phil curls an arm around Dan almost possessively. “You're really fucking big, you know that?” He's sore, definitely. Dan nuzzles his face against Phil's throat. 

“Sweet of you to say that. You know the way to a man's heart.” He says and Phil ruffles up the back of his hair. 

“Don't let it go to your head, it wasn't exactly a compliment. My arse hurts. But it's more than worth it.” 

Dan props himself up and looks at Phil. “It really is, isn't it. The mess, the soreness. There's something so good about how it feels.” He's not entirely focused, kind of staring at Phil and stroking his hair with a small smile quirking his lips, and he ducks back down to where he bit Phil and bites again, lighter. 

“Give me half an hour and you can repay the favour,” Dan says, wriggling his eyebrows at Phil suggestively. “I know it'll take you less than half an hour, especially now that I know you get off on me talking filthy at you. I bet I can get you hard again in ten minutes.”

It turns out that yes, Dan can. It takes him nine minutes of telling Phil all sorts of dirty things, dropping the words casually from his mouth like it's no big deal while Phil's head swims with ideas, before Phil's cock starts to twitch with interest again and Dan reaches down, pulls him to hardness, and hands Phil the lube. 

Phil's second release is no less intense than his first and afterwards, they shower together, soaping each other up, taking turns with the washcloth, kissing and pinning each other to the wall of the shower, shoving wet hair out of their faces, and finally falling into bed together, damp and exhausted. 


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters probably will be on the shorter side for a few chapters, but then there's some MEGA-DRAMA coming up.

After they've got that barrier breached, of both of them having taken turns being the one penetrated, it's like there's no stopping them. There's morning sex and evening sex, there's lazy half-heartedly shoving at each other in bed and grinding and it barely qualifies as sex, there's kissing in the shower and Phil dropping to his knees, letting water run over his face as he blows Dan, there's Dan hissing in his ear, “I just got Charlie down, get in the bedroom and your jeans off in the next thirty seconds, you have no idea how badly I want you,” and Phil moving fast to oblige.

They're unable to get enough of each other, predictably, as it happens in early relationships, and the next few weeks pass where they're constantly kissing, touching, caught up in the wondrous feelings of it all.

When Halloween comes, there's Louise's party for Youtubers that Dan and Phil decide to attend with Charlie, rather than getting a babysitter. It means neither of them can have alcohol, which only sucks slightly, but it also means that Dan does indeed dress up Charlie as Winnie the Pooh and himself as Christopher Robin and it's so adorable that Phil caves and ends up going as Piglet, because he couldn't find a suitable onesie for Owl.

They show up and Louise ushers them inside with a squeal over how adorable they look. Phil personally thinks he looks stupid because he's wearing an adult onesie and it's hot pink.

Meanwhile, his son is wearing an adorable onesie that only emphasises just how cute he is and Louise already has her phone out to take a photo. “Okay, all three of you, get together, I need a photo,” she commands them and Dan settles next to Phil, throws an arm around Phil's shoulders and grins hugely while Phil holds Charlie and smiles as well, wondering just how ridiculous they're going to look.

Wondering just how many photos of him in a hot pink onesie will be on the internet after this party.

There's of course, Zoe, Joe Sugg, Jack and Finn, Charlie, Emma Blackery, Caspar, and Alfie. It's a hair under crowded and Dan and Phil make the rounds with Charlie, greeting everybody.

Both of them wave off offers of alcohol from Louise. They want to be able to keep a good eye on Charlie so that he doesn't get dropped or poked by anybody else who might have had too much too drink.

It's boring being parents, Phil decides, having to abstain from alcohol in favour of your child. He whispers as much to Dan who smiles at him and rubs a spot on Phil's lower back.

“Just shows what a good father you are, Philly,” Dan informs him.

Phil grumps at him about 'Philly', inwardly pleased. He can never tell if he really likes the nickname or not.

They're not coming out to everybody here, so they can't kiss or be affectionate with each other, and quite frankly, there's something so cute about Dan as Christopher Robin that Phil's fairly convinced at some point he's going to hand Charlie off to Louise, drag Dan into the bathroom, lock the door, and kiss him for a few minutes. Just kissing.

But he can't stop looking at Dan and he's pretty sure that it's obvious and even though he tries not to, he can't help it. He's got a case of Love Eyes Lester, as the internet would call it, and Dan's got Heart Eyes Howell right back at him. They keep grinning at each other, standing too close, even for them, cooing to Charlie just as much as they talk to the other guests.

It's pretty embarrassing, to be honest. They're catching flack for it too, where even as normally interested in each other as they are, now they're doubly so, and while Louise knows, she's not saying anything, but Zoe and Finn both manage to slyly ask just what's going on between Dan and Phil, as Zoe takes Charlie and squeals over him.

Finn's less sly about it than Zoe, as she gently insinuates in her sweet way that she has, while Finn just grins at them and says, “You guys are really too close, unless you've got something going on you want to tell us,” and Dan almost manages a smile, but it's too bashful, and thank god that nobody can read Dan like Phil can read Dan because he can see the lies, but Finn seems to believe him.

Charlie gets passed around and Phil follows him obediently, making sure nobody injures him, and Dan follows Phil, just as concerned for Charlie, but hiding it under the pretence of just following Phil.

They all know that Charlie has become somewhat important to Dan, as he tweets pictures and videos of Charlie. Only Louise, PJ, and Chris know exactly _how_ important, that Dan is pretty much a second father to Charlie.

Halloween, when everybody is drunk, does not seem like the time for it to become all that apparent and so Phil watches as Dan flashes his gaze from person to person as they all coo over Charlie and his outfit, at the way Dan's fingers twitch at his sides while Phil is the one to take him back and go to the next person.

Once they've gone around and let everybody take their turns greeting them and enamoring themselves with Charlie, Phil and Dan retreat to a couch where Charlie sits on Phil's lap and Dan plays with his feet.

There's tons of pictures being taken of them and Dan and Phil pose as well as they can with a baby, and within minutes their phones are being assaulted with tweets at them and their costumes and they grin and sigh slightly. The life of being semi-famous has its tolls.

Phil eventually leans over and whispers to Dan, “Meet me in the bathroom in two minutes, I'm going to drop Charlie off with Louise, I just really need a few minutes alone time with you,” and Dan lifts an eyebrow, his face somewhere between disbelieving that Phil would do this, here, now, and delight.

Phil has no intentions other than kissing Dan. It's just he looks so damn cute as Christopher Robin. So he hands Charlie over to Louise and informs her he needs a couple minutes with Dan and to guard the door with her life.

She snorts at Phil. “You're ridiculous. Keep your trousers on, please.”

Phil enters the bathroom and closes it, locking the door, and then kisses Dan, mussing his hair up immediately as his fingers go to rake through it. Dan, eager as can be, kisses back, though he makes an undignified sound a minute later as his hands come to rest on Phil's outfit.

“What?” Phil asks, indignant that their kissing, their few minutes of kissing, is being broken up by Dan _laughing_ , but Dan's shaking his head and squeaking out, “Piglet,” and Phil gets it instantly.

He looks at himself in the mirror, a grown man just under thirty wearing a hot pink onesie with pig ears and a painted pink nose and sighs. “Just ignore it and kiss me, I'm not going to get to kiss you until we get home tonight and I don't feel like going the entire party without some affection,” he says.

Dan tries to hide his giggles. “Okay. Piglet.” Phil glares at him and Dan starts laughing all over again, and Phil tries to shut him up with a kiss, where Dan's giggles fall into his mouth until they silence, and then Dan's tongue is in his mouth, soft and warm and knowing just where to sneak and tease, and Phil lets Dan back him up against the wall.

They're getting on quite well for a few minutes, hands staying above the waist, if anything, making more of a mess of themselves by rumpling each other's hair with the grabbing they're doing, when Louise announces, “Oh, Zoe, you have to use the bathroom? Give us a minute, Phil's in there already,” and Dan and Phil break apart.

There's no way of exiting the bathroom without Zoe seeing them together and Phil desperately tries to think up a cover story. “Okay,” he says with no fair amount of nervousness to his voice. “We can say my zipper on my onesie was stuck and you were trying to help me unsnag it,” he says, inventing it on the fly. “Because it's on my back and I couldn't reach.”

Dan's busy combing down his hair and nodding. “Sure, that sounds good,” he agrees. “God, do you have to kiss so hard, my lips are bright red, everybody's going to know,” and Phil hisses back, “Well, stop being so kissable,” and Dan just grins a little at that, not at all ashamed of himself.

“Nah.” He comments. “Now, uh, let's open the door, I suppose.”

Phil swings open the door to find Louise and Zoe looking at them on the other side, with him and Dan stood side by side. Louise looks apprehensive but Phil immediately swings into the lie. “My zipper got stuck and Dan was trying to help fix it. I think he got it, so, um,” he steps out of the loo and lets Dan follow. “I'll take my baby back now,” and Louise is lifting an eyebrow, leaning in and murmuring, “Nice save, Philly,” and Phil groans because now Dan's got _other_ people doing it, not just him and Charlie.

“The only reason you're allowed to call me Philly is because you're one of the prettiest ladies I know and it would be an insult to hate any nickname you give me,” Phil informs her.

Dan snickers behind him. “What's that, Philly?” and Charlie says, “Phiwwy”, and Phil feels thoroughly ganged up on. Zoe's looking between them in confusion and Phil simply takes Charlie from Louise and heads into the main room.

“You're precious,” Dan informs him quietly as they go together. “I love you for it.”

“I hate you immensely,” Phil informs him, and he leans his weight so his shoulder touches Dan's briefly.

The rest of the party goes smoothly. As they're not drinking, they extricate themselves around nine with the fact that Charlie needs to get home and be put to bed and make the rounds again, saying goodbye to people who are now thoroughly more inebriated and much more affectionate – Caspar goes so far as to plant a kiss on Charlie's cheek and Charlie grins at him and plops a hand on Caspar's face – while Phil and Dan burst out into laughter at the scene.

“Okay, let's get this baby home before he turns into a grumpy tired baby,” Phil says, as he finally finds Louise. “Thank you for the lovely party invitation. I'm sorry we can't stay longer.”

“Yeah, yeah, go home and get out of that hilarious outfit,” she tells him. “Put your baby to bed and then go shag your boyfriend.”

“I'm not sure I'll be able to picture him in anything but the onesie for a few days, it might not be conceivable,” Dan pipes up from where he was standing next to Phil, able to hear Louise unlike everybody else.

Phil grumbles something at both of them, kisses Louise's cheek, and heads for the door with Dan following him. “I'm going to rescind any sex if you don't be nice to me,” Phil threatens once the door is shut behind them. “I look like an idiot, you're not helping.”

“You look like Piglet and everybody knows Winnie the Pooh loves Piglet, and look how much your baby loves you,” Dan points out. “Who cares if you look like an idiot?”

Phil has no witty comeback to that one and so they ride home in a taxi and put Charlie to bed and Phil washes his face, undresses and puts on pyjamas, and joins Dan in bed where true to at least one of their words, they don't have sex. They instead wind up watching Netflix for three hours and then go to bed, though Dan does make a point of giving Phil a very sweet, heated kiss before they do so.

 

Between Charlie's eighteenth and nineteenth month of being alive, he seems to hit his Terrible Twos a little early. They're coming up on Thanksgiving when Charlie starts to fight them.

He fights them when they want to feed him. He fights them when they try to put him to bed. He fights them when they want to dress him. He wants to do things his way.

“Your son always has been precocious,” Dan remarks off-handedly as he struggles to pull a jumper on Charlie. “Standing and walking and talking before most milestones. We should have seen this coming.”

Charlie yells loudly and Phil feels bad for his neighbours. “Come on, Charlie,” Phil attempts to reason with a toddler. “Get dressed and we'll have oatmeal for breakfast, you love oatmeal!”

“Na-unh!” Charlie returns, still at a volume loud enough to break Phil's ears, and Dan finally succeeds in getting him dressed. Charlie kicks and lands his foot on Dan's cheek and Dan yelps in pain.

“You still want this?” Phil asks, taking Charlie from Dan and going into the kitchen. “I mean, at this point, I'm not sure _I'd_ hold it against you if you backed out.”

Dan smiles at Phil gently. “I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for Charlie and you, even if I get kicked in the face.” He rubs his jaw. “Though I am going to ice that so it doesn't bruise.”

He makes an ice pack out of a towel and some ice cubes and stands there, watching as Phil seats Charlie with a struggle, giving him some paper and a couple of crayons to play with while he warms up a bowl of oatmeal.

Charlie throws the first crayon on the floor and promptly begins to scream when he can't reach it.

With a sigh, Dan reaches for the crayon on the floor and puts it back in front of Charlie, which appeases him only slightly. He begins to scribble with intent, using the red crayon to make swirls all across the paper, until he reaches the edge of the paper and continues scribbling on the plastic table of his feeding station.

Dan reaches to guide him back onto the paper and Charlie shoves at Dan's hand. “I swear to god, Charlie,” Dan comments. “You know, people think I'm the short-tempered one thanks to 2012 but they haven't seen you when you get mad. I think you passed it on to your son.”

It's true, Phil isn't one to show his temper but he's definitely more likely to get frustrated and shout. He shouts about copyright claims with the Valentine's day video on occasion still, on copyright claims he has to file when someone puts together instances of tweets and videos he's deleted or privated and uploads that.

“Yes, well, let's hope his sunny nature wins out,” Phil says, exhausted from Charlie already and it's only ten in the morning. “Come on, Charlie, let's have breakfast,” he says, and he blows on a spoonful of oatmeal as he brings it towards Charlie's mouth.

Charlie promptly blows it back in Phil's face and Phil sighs, wipes off his shirt. “I have a feeling we're in for a long day.”

Blessedly, Charlie's mood passes sometime around two and he settles back down to being a good baby, all for a whole fifteen hours, when he proceeds to wake them up at seven in the morning with a sharp noise, a declaration of “Wanna play!”

Nothing they can do or say convinces Charlie that seven in the morning is not in fact play time and he won't stop arguing with them so they're up for the day and there's nothing to do _but_ play with Charlie so he quiets down, getting out some toys for him.

“What's going to be worse, this or his teenage years?” Phil asks. “D'you think.”

“Can we just get through today without thinking of his teenage years?” Dan responds, yawning hugely, holding a mug of coffee to his mouth and taking a long sip. “I swear to god, Charlie, please be a good baby, I'll buy you some kind of chocolate.”

So far they haven't let Charlie have chocolate. Phil's trying to keep his baby fairly healthy.

“Don't bribe him with candy, then he'll _never_ be controllable,” Phil whispers quietly. “He doesn't know what c-h-o-c-o-l-a-t-e is,” he spells out. “The longer we wait, the better.”

Dan looks guilty. “Um. I think I should confess that I bought him a chocolate bar for Thanksgiving, even though we don't really celebrate it. I was going to give it to him then.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “Well. Fine. I guess. He'll learn what it is eventually. But until America's Thanksgiving, this baby is candy free.”

 

Phil's going home to his folks for the weekend, as is Dan, and Phil's staying with his parents for a couple of nights, until Sunday morning. It's a time for them to regroup a little - America is busy celebrating Thanksgiving and they have a few days to themselves in a way where not everybody is watching them.

The night before they have to leave, Dan takes his time slicking up Phil and sliding inside him, fucking him slow and long and kissing him, saying, “Gonna miss you, even though it's just for the weekend, I hate being away from you.”

Phil's got his legs and fingers locked around Dan's hips and neck and is rocking back against him. “Remember when I was gone all of like, ten hours and wanted to tell you all about my day, that liveshow you did?”

Dan lowers his head to Phil's throat, kisses it. “That was before we started dating. Imagine how much worse it'll be now. Be sure to give Charlie kisses for me before bed. Tell him his other da misses him.”

“Stop talking about our son when you're fucking me,” Phil insists. “It's weird.” He kisses Dan to shut him up. He kisses Dan as he strokes himself and his orgasm approaches and he lets out soft whines into Dan's mouth, which Dan has learned are a signal to speed up, to get a little rougher with Phil.

So Dan rolls his hips harder and faster and Phil is so full, because Dan's so thick, and his head swims with pleasure, and when he comes, he bites Dan's shoulder until even Dan groans and jerks at the sensation.

“Loosen your fucking teeth, Dracula,” Dan hisses as he continues to work himself into Phil. “It's kind of hard to focus on coming when you're in drastic pain.”

Phil drops his head back to the pillow and lets Dan continue to slide in and out of him, overwhelmed by the sensations now, but not complaining, still making noises of some interest, until Dan finishes and half-collapses on top of him, breathing hard.

“Ow,” Dan complains. “Jesus christ, why'd you bite me,” he asks, rubbing his shoulder as he falls away and Phil peers where he'd bitten and holy shit maybe he did bite a little harder than intended because there are teeth imprints embedded in Dan's skin.

“Was trying to keep from moaning and waking up Charlie,” Phil protests. “He is only one room away.”

Dan slides out of him and Phil twitches at the sensation. He doesn't think he'll ever get used to that. It feels so fucking weird.

“I'm gonna clean up,” Phil says and Dan nods, doesn't move. “That means you have to get off me.”

“Too tired. Clean up later. Stay here now,” Dan says sleepily.

“Dan, if you fall asleep, then I can't move, and Charlie's going to be in the room by himself and what if he needs us, wake up,” Phil pats his boyfriend on the arm. “Plus, I have come all over me that I'd really prefer to go wipe off before it stains your sheets.”

“Ugh, yeah, okay,” Dan agrees, letting Phil up. He swipes at his stomach where some of Phil's come has gotten on his skin. “Guess I'm joining you.”

Later on, in bed, Phil kisses Dan's temple. “I am going to miss you a lot. Probably text you constantly.” He comments.

“I'll be texting back, don't worry.” Dan says. “I'm sure my family is going to be interrogating me about my boyfriend, the fact that I'm dating you now. I haven't seen them since I told them.”

Phil smiles. “Only tell them the nice things.”

“There are only nice things to tell. I mean, I have long since accepted you leave your socks everywhere and eat my cereal and forget to close cabinets and buy ridiculous things off the internet that clutter up our flat. Those are all forgiven. There's only nice things that I want to tell about you.” Dan says.

Phil goes a bit soppy. “I love you,” he utters. “You know that? You're perfect.” His heart gets all big and mushy in his chest, he thinks, and he turns and tucks his face into Dan's shoulder and kisses the bite mark which is going to bruise. “Don't show them your arm, they'll think I'm abusive.”

“The chances of me showing them my arm are slim to none given that I'd have to explain that I was _busy fucking you senseless_ ,” Dan informs him, “and you decided to attack me.”

“Muffling my noises,” Phil argues.

“See, this is what I mean. I have long since accepted your flaws and I will speak only good things about you.” Dan tells him.

Phil closes his eyes. “Think good things of me while you go to sleep. It's late. We have to be up early. Especially if Charlie decides to be a menace again tomorrow while we're getting him ready.”

Dan nods. “I'll try to sleep. We'll see if my injury lets me.”

“Shut up, you're so melodramatic,” Phil says. “I'll make you go sleep in your bed.”

“Less chance of me getting attacked again,” Dan says. “Maybe I should.”

“Don't you dare leave,” Phil insists, wrapping his arm tighter around Dan. He smiles and he peeks at Dan, and sees Dan is smiling too. “Worst boyfriend in the world.”

“I love you too,” Dan tells him, dropping a kiss to his hair. “Sleep. Don't bite me again. Please. At least not on the arm. I can tolerate the neck and thighs.”

“Wait, wha- you want me to bite your thighs?” Phil's never done that and he's half-asleep and why is Dan bringing this up now.

Dan shrugs. “I have sensitive thighs. It'd probably feel good.”

Phil yawns. “We,” he says and yawns again, “can talk about this when I'm more awake. Thank you.”

Dan hums a noise somewhere between a sigh and a chuckle. Then there's sleep and warmth and it's not quite Thanksgiving, that's tomorrow, and no, they might not actually celebrate it but Phil has never been more grateful for his life. He's got Charlie and Dan and everything that should be right with the world is. He can't imagine a better life.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an FYI - this fic is on hold until I finish "A Map of My Heart and Mind". (Hey, you haven't heard of that/read that one yet? It's the one where Dan and Phil get drunken married in Vegas and decide to stay married despite being straight and slowly fall in love - you should go check it out (shameless self promotion))

Christmas is coming up and they have to prepare for that. Phil can't believe that in less than two months he's going to be thirty years old. Their tour in the US is coming up. They're going to be bringing Charlie over with them with a babysitter on a second tour bus.

There is just way too much going on. They've got to go shopping for each other, for their families, for Charlie – who is now old enough to start appreciating Christmas – and somehow between all that, they have to be ready to go on tour literally right after the New Year – they're flying out the 2nd of January and the tour starts on the 3rd.

It's a relief that they don't actually have to leave their flat to do shopping if they don't want to. Charlie's still being the fussiest baby on earth and getting him dressed is an hour long process now, because just as quick as they get clothes on him, he's busy trying to push them off.

He squirms and fidgets and has even gone so far as to start screaming a couple of times and Phil is sure his neighbours hate them because for as good as a baby Charlie was, where how infrequently he cried (and he still prides himself on being a good father and keeping up with diaper and feedings), Charlie's decided his newest talent is exercising his vocal range.

So Phil goes shopping for his mum and dad and Martyn and Cornelia, and he offers suggestions for Dan as well, because his parents have already insisted that Dan come visit for Christmas, and Dan's informed Phil that Phil has been invited to visit his place.

Apparently now that they're officially a couple, they're going to each other's places. Phil's going to have to leave Charlie with his parents overnight if he goes to Dan's, though, so he'll have to check with if that's okay (not that he's concerned, they love Charlie and spending time with him).

So Dan offers suggestions for his own family, cheap things that will still fulfil the requirement of obligatory gifts, enough that it shows some caring, but nothing too over the top.

They've also made an agreement that Charlie only gets three gifts apiece from each of them. They are not going over the top this year.

Phil has to confess he's already broken that rule. He's gotten Charlie some learning books, which count as one because he can package them all up together, four new outfits (which he thinks are going to count as two and three because he'll package two of them together at a time), two new toys, and he's planning on making a little stocking for Charlie of all his favourite snacks.

So six gifts. He only went over by three, which isn't bad given that this is his baby and he's allowed to spoil Charlie.

He's bought Dan two new video games, another new phone case (maybe this can be a tradition – new phone cases for Dan every year), and some socks that had made him think of Dan, socks with Shiba Inus on them.

So there's already a smallish pile of gifts from him to Charlie and Dan in the corner of the room where their tree is going to go once they put it up, and then he notices that one day, Dan's clearly done his shopping and wrapping as well, because the pile has gotten a lot larger.

He peers at it suspiciously and analyses it. Three gifts for him, five for Charlie. “Dan!” He calls and Dan comes into the room a minute later.

“Yeah, Phil?” Dan asks. Phil stares at him, then points without looking at the pile of gifts.

“Five?! I thought we weren't spoiling him this year.” He says, and Dan shrugs.

“Well, I kept seeing gifts that I liked and I couldn't decide and besides, you've gone and gotten him six, I counted those.”

“This is worse than last year. This is like Dudley Dursley whinging about how many birthday gifts he's gotten, we've gone and gotten him one more than last Christmas.”

“Well, he can appreciate them more now,” Dan argues. “Now that he's more, y'know, coherent. Responsive. These are all gifts that he's going to love and enjoy.”

Phil sighs and crosses the room to where Dan is. “Our baby is going to be the most spoiled baby in all of the UK.”

Dan shrugs again. “Here, I'll make it up to you.”

“How's that now?” Phil asks dryly. Dan hooks a finger in Phil's sweatpants and leads him to the bedroom where he proceeds to push Phil back against the bed and drop to his knees, snagging Phil's sweats on the way, mouthing at him through his boxers.

“Oh, I see.” Phil answers, even as his eyes flutter shut. “You think you can just distract me with sex.”

Honestly, Phil has to admit, it works – for now. It won't always, he suspects. But right now, he's busy threading his fingers into Dan's hair and whining softly when Dan sucks just particularly right, peeling down his boxers as well and licking a wet stripe along his length.

It's pretty rude to answer with one's mouth full, though, so Dan has no response either way.

 

It's a little hectic but they've got their schedules sorted – on the twenty-second, they're going to have their own personal Christmas. Then, they're going to Phil's for the twenty-third and twenty-fourth, celebrating Christmas there, and leaving the twenty-fifth to have Christmas with Dan's family, at which point on the twenty-sixth, Phil will return back home for a couple of days, leaving Dan to spend a couple of days with his family. They'll be home on the twenty-eighth and instantly preparing for tour, packing up everything they need, getting any last minute arrangements for Charlie's sitter for the tour figured out.

God, Phil's already nervous about flying with a baby on a plane. He hopes Charlie's a good baby and doesn't freak out too much.

It's now the twenty-first and they're going to bed, Phil already worrying about his plants not getting enough water between the twenty-second and twenty-eighth, and worrying about Dan's family not liking him, which is ridiculous because Dan's family likes him plenty, but now that he's Dan's boyfriend, he's got to worry about what if they don't think he's _good_ enough for Dan?

Dan's busy recommending that Phil just shush and go to bed, that it's getting late, it's already four in the morning. They've had a slightly busy day earlier, actually leaving their flat with Charlie to take him and get a picture with Santa, as well as doing some last minute shopping for PJ, Chris, and Louise, which they've quickly wrapped and Phil has run to the post to have them mailed off – hopefully they'll get them in time.

Charlie wakes them up at seven-thirty for a feeding and a diaper change and Phil sees, as he looks sleepily outside, that it's snowing and sticking. His mood brightens about three hundred percent right then and there – he's going to have a white Christmas, which makes him happy.

He's going to insist that at some point tomorrow, they go out and build a snowman with Charlie. He knows he can convince Dan – Dan's easy to convince when it comes to Charlie, really.

But for now he puts Charlie back down in his bed and goes back to sleep next to Dan. It seems that at around two minutes to ten, Charlie decides he's had enough sleep and wakes them up with a little cry.

It's late enough that even though they've only gotten about five and a half hours of sleep, they really should get up and make the most of their day.

So Dan gives Charlie a shower while Phil starts breakfast for them – oatmeal for Charlie, pop-tarts for him and Dan because they are nothing if not one hundred percent healthy just like their baby.

Dan brings Charlie into kitchen a few minutes later, long enough that Charlie's oatmeal has gone slightly cold so Phil throws it in the microwave to heat it up and pushes down on the toaster for their pop-tarts.

Charlie's hair is getting long – Phil will have to get it cut at some point before the tour, otherwise, they'll never get around to it and it'll be in his eyes.

God, he hopes Charlie decides to be good that day too. The terrible twos are definitely a pain. But he still loves his baby so much. He looks over at Charlie and is filled with such a rush of love for his baby, all damp-haired, cowlick sticking up as ever though, that he crosses over while the oatmeal is warming up and kisses Charlie, and then Dan's cheek as well, murmuring “Love you,” to each of them in turn.

Charlie's dressed in a pale blue shirt with a giant candy cane on it, with little baby jeans, the shirt a spur of the moment gift that Phil had seen while shopping for Louise and absolutely had to get and give to Charlie before Christmas.

“So, Dan, we're totally going to go build a snowman before we do gifts,” Phil says. “Because it's snowed and Charlie deserves to experience the joy of snow. He didn't last year.”

Dan looks outside. “It's so cold, though, Phil.” A quick check of his phone informs Phil that it's -10 Celsius out, but he really, _really_ wants Charlie to experience snow.

“Just a quick trip out. We'll bundle him up nice and warm and take him to that park near here and make a snowman and then bring him right back, please?” Phil asks. He doesn't know if he's being a bad father or a good father, but he really wants Charlie to experience snow.

“Oh fine,” Dan concedes. “We're putting a jumper and his jacket on him, plus his gloves and an extra pair of socks.”

Phil smiles. “Okay, da,” he teases Dan, using Charlie's name for Dan. “So over-concerned.”

“I just don't want him getting sick or getting frostbite,” Dan says. Honestly, Phil would have put most of that on Charlie anyways – probably not the extra socks, but it's not a bad idea.

“After breakfast, then.” Phil says. “He'll be nice and warmed up inside from oatmeal, so we'll go out then.”

So they eat their nutritious and sugary breakfast of pop-tarts and Charlie only fusses a little over his oatmeal and eats most of it, and he only fights them a little when they pull on more clothes and get him ready to go out.

They then bundle themselves up and make the walk to the park, Charlie in his stroller, and the air is brisk as hell, but the nip in the air seems nice to Phil, who could care less that he's freezing, because his baby is going to experience _snow!_

When they get to the park, there's almost nobody there and so Phil claims a section of the snow for their snowman and starts rolling it. “Charlie, come play in the snow,” he says, and Dan pulls Charlie out of the stroller and lets him stand in the snow.

Charlie takes a few steps forward over to Phil, who makes a little snowball and puts it in Charlie's hand, whereupon Charlie seems confused by it and holds it for a second before dropping it.

Phil picks it back up and, in slow motion, makes a whooshing noise as he brings it in and smooshes it into Charlie's cheek, at which point Charlie lets out a squeal at the sensation and lifts his hand to grab at Phil's hand.

“Snow, Charlie! Let's throw a snowball at Dan!” Phil says excitedly, and he makes another snowball and motions for Dan to come closer. Dan sighs and gives him a dirty look.

“You are so making this up to me if you get snow down my jumper,” Dan hisses. He kneels down in the snow, shuddering as his jeans get soaked through, and stares at Phil, who is also kneeling. “Okay, go ahead, lay it on me.”

Phil grins at him and with Charlie's hand in his, he equally slow-motion pelts Dan with a snowball, making sure to really rub it into Dan's cheek. Dan hisses at him and wastes no time in making a snowball and bringing it down on the top of Phil's head, and Phil actually screeches as snow trickles down his back.

“No fair, I didn't aim for your head, I didn't try to actually get it down your neck,” Phil whines and he pushes forward and tackles Dan, narrowly avoiding his son, knocking Dan down in the snow, where Dan yells, and quickly Phil grabs a handful of snow and stuffs it down Dan's jumper, down his front, until Dan shrieks louder.

Charlie's looking curiously at them and he hurries over and grabs at Dan's jacket, and Phil lets up Dan, who gives him the dirtiest of glares.

“You are the biggest asshole on the planet,” Dan announces, with only some malice in his voice. Phil's still twitching from the snow leaking down his back so he doesn't feel entirely bad about it. Plus, Charlie's giggling at them and that makes him happy.

“Okay, let's play nice. Let's make a snowman.” They don't have coal or a carrot for the eyes, and the snow isn't deep enough for a big one, but they make a little half-sized snowman, with much huffing and puffing of the effort of rolling the snow around, a snowman a little bigger than Charlie, and Dan uses his fingers to carve two eyes and a smile into it.

“Okay, get a picture of Charlie next to it,” Phil says. “I'll kneel behind him and hold him in place.”

So Phil kneels behind Charlie in the snow and holds his arms up in a triumphant pose and Dan gets the photo and they bundle up Charlie again and head back to the apartment, where they change out of their snowy clothes and into more comfortable outfits.

Then, Dan says, “Present time?” and Phil acquieses, brings Charlie into the lounge where all the presents are gathered under the tree, and they open them one at a time. Charlie, granted, could care less about the clothes that Phil bought him, but he does eagerly respond to the toys that both Dan and Phil bought him, plus when Phil helps Charlie go through his stocking of snacks, Charlie definitely remembers chocolate and whines until Phil opens up the bar of chocolate and breaks off a piece for him.

Dan's gotten Phil a new t-shirt, a ton of chocolate himself, plus a Tamagotchi to play with, and for a few minutes, Dan is forced to take care of Charlie because the idea of a new Tamagotchi is too much to resist and Phil pulls the strip out of the tab, starts it up, and gives birth to Edward The First – because he knows there will be probably a second and third.

The rest of the day is spent with Dan playing his new video game and Phil playing around with his new Tamagotchi and Charlie playing with his new toys, the three of them a cozy little family all kind of obsessed with their gifts, all curled up in the lounge, until Dan actually cooks them dinner, a frozen lasagna, and Charlie gets his first try at lasagna.

Phil doesn't get to his own lasagna until it's almost gone cold, wanting to make sure that Charlie's well-fed, and Dan eventually gets frustrated with Phil and goes to nuke the food in the microwave, and Phil thanks Dan abstractly as he feeds Charlie another bite of cheesy lasagna.

Later on, when they're lying in bed, Phil asks Dan, “So, d'you worry at all that my parents won't like you enough? Like, I'm worried that your parents won't approve of me anymore now that I'm your boyfriend.”

Dan snorts. “Your parents love me.” He says. It's true. The Lester clan is as warm and loving as Phil himself is. They adore Dan.

“Yeah, well. Mum's gonna love you even more because 'you make her baby so happy',” Phil quotes from the last conversation he had with his mum about how things were going. “She's probably going to make you a stocking for Christmas.”

Dan grins. “I bet I can get her to like me more than you,” he jokes.

“Don't joke, please, you're charming and cute and witty and funny, it's a theoretical possibility,” Phil says. Dan snuggles closer to him and tucks his face against Phil's shoulder.

“Nah, there's no way. She loves you too much. Plus, I'm pretty sure she loves Charlie more than both of us combined.”

“Well, that is a distinct chance,” Phil agrees. “She loves Charlie a lot.”

“I love you a lot,” Dan mumbles sleepily. Phil feels heat flush through him, happiness, and he brings his arm up to curl around Dan.

“I love you too,” he whispers. “Now, let's go to sleep on that happy note and you get to come visit my family tomorrow.”

 

The next morning, they're up by eight, getting Charlie dressed by nine, and out the door with bags of gifts by ten, on the train to Phil's home.

When they get there, they're greeted by Cornelia and Martyn at the door, Martyn pulling Phil in for a quick hug and offering a warm handshake to Dan, Cornelia giving them both big hugs.

She coos over Charlie and Charlie gets deposited to her to play with while Martyn helps Phil carry the gifts over to where the rest of them are, and then there's his father and mother, both enveloping Phil in hugs one after another.

Phil looks back at Dan, who seems to stand awkwardly, until Phil's mum herself goes over and gives him a hug and he returns it, looking slightly relieved. Dan's always been a bit awkward in social situations like this, not that he didn't expect a hug, because he got them before he was Phil's boyfriend, but still.

They discuss sleeping arrangements and she makes it subtly clear that she's not made up a guest room for Dan, that Dan and Phil will be sharing a room, and Dan sneaks a peek at Phil, who is blushing at the fact that his mother probably has thought about the risk of putting them in the same room, that his mother might have even thought about his sex life at all.

Martyn and Cornelia are sharing a room, obviously, but it's different, because he and Dan have only been dating for just over half a year and somehow it feels different.

But he and Dan lug their stuff to Phil's room and then rejoin the family where they're preparing for lunch. Phil's mum has gone to the extent of cooking a baby-friendly meal for Charlie even.

And sure enough, where the stockings are hanging, there's his mum's, his dad's, his and Martyn's, the more recent addition of Cornelia, and the most recent addition of Dan, Dan's name written and decorated in glittering gold sparkles across the top of it.

“Told you,” Phil says, nudging Dan, nodding at the stockings. Dan laughs softly and even dares to kiss Phil, and Phil glances over at his parents, and his mum has caught that, but she doesn't look put off at all.

They're obviously private about affection, never showing it in public, barely showing it around PJ and Chris and Louise, and so it's still new and nervous for Phil, but since his mum doesn't seem to care, he kisses Dan back on the cheek softly.

“My family loves you just fine,” he whispers and Dan catches his fingers and entwines them as he leads Phil over to the table where lunch has been served.

The day passes without much ado – Cornelia seems especially interested in how Dan and Phil got together, and Dan is actually the one to retell the story, starting all the way at the beginning, though he leaves out the fact that he and Phil still have no idea where Charlie came from and have long since accepted they never will, just accepted Charlie as their son.

He even uses that term – he mentions that after a while, it was like Charlie was his own kid, and some days he would think of Charlie as their son, and Phil's mum has a look in her eye, fondness, as Dan talks.

Dan kind of skims over the whole “Yeah, we went out and pulled respective girls,” just glossing over that they both had relationships that were brief and didn't work out, and noting that Phil had gotten especially pissy – Phil swats him and hisses, “Language, Dan,” pointing at Charlie, and Dan corrects himself with, “Oops, Phil got tetchy – that's the word – when I brought home this girl, Lora,” and Phil still grumbles at Dan because, Lora, ugh, she was awful, didn't care about Charlie at all, didn't deserve Dan's time.

He might be petty. He doesn't care.

But then Dan finishes up with the grand finale of “And then Phil just out and came and told me that he was in love with me and really, what was I to do? I just sat there and figured it out fast enough that I kind of loved him back, and went and found him where he was hiding in his room and we talked it out and, well, here we are,” and Phil thinks Martyn's never going to stop teasing him, because Martyn's mouthing at him, “Confessed you were in love, really, you sap?” but he knows Martyn's supportive anyways.

Phil's mum and Cornelia both look absolutely enchanted, while Phil's father, while not enchanted, looks pleased enough, and Dan sits back and catches Phil's hand again, and Phil thumbs over it absently.

Then, they settle into playing card games – having to use a double deck for the amount of people there, poker, and Dan can read Phil too well because he keeps an eye on Phil and knows exactly when Phil actually has a good hand or not, and each time Phil thinks he can maybe win, Dan knows just how to slyly push his buttons and trick Phil, confuse him into folding when it turns out Dan was holding nothing, or Dan will make Phil think Dan's got nothing, when really he's holding a flush.

It's entirely unfair. Phil can read Dan almost as well, but not quite, and he wouldn't use his abilities to _cheat_ , he whines, and Martyn snickers at him, and his mother hides her own smile.

They switch to Crazy Eights after a while, which is much better, because that doesn't require Phil to be able to read Dan like a book, and after a bit of that, Phil goes to take care of Charlie and get him ready for bed, and he and Dan decide to retire to his bedroom and watch some television together before going to bed themselves, because they can't stay up until four in the morning like they normally do, they have Christmas with the Lesters tomorrow.

It almost – almost – feels weird being in Phil's bed, knowing his parents aren't far away, and he's lying with Dan's arms around him and they're both in their boxers, just their boxers.

Charlie's crib is pushed against the wall, and Charlie's asleep, and Phil thinks how lucky Charlie is, because he gets two Christmases this year, he gets the one at home and the one here, but then he thinks how lucky he and Dan are, because they get three, and then he thinks how lucky he is to just have Dan in general, and that's the final thought he has before he's lulled into sleep.

 


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's been so long! Now that I've finished "A Map Of My Heart and Mind" hopefully I can write more of this. My goal is to wrap it up before the one year anniversary of publishing this way back in June. We'll see, given how much story I have left to write. Also, I wrote nothing of Christmas at Dan's because in the past he's commented on being uncomfortable with people writing fanfiction about his brother so I extended the courtesy to his entire family.

Christmas with Phil's family flies by and then they're leaving Charlie there and heading to Dan's, where Phil is greeted with a fair amount of warmth, and Christmas there flies by as well.

It seems like it's too fast that Phil is returning to his parents to pick up his son and then heading back home to the flat, which feels far too lonely without Dan.

He spends the two days without Dan mostly on the internet, playing with Charlie, or taking naps that he doesn't need because he's just bored and lonely.

When Dan gets home, Phil's nuzzling him and kissing him within seconds, pretty much running to greet his boyfriend, and Dan's laughing, dropping his bags of stuff on the floor and wrapping his arms around Phil and kissing him back eagerly.

“Bed. Now.” Phil says, encouragingly, and Dan hums assent. “We can put away your stuff later.”

Kissing and stumbling their way to Dan's bedroom, Phil unzips Dan's jeans and palms him once, feeling Dan hardening under his touch, and presses Dan against the bed.

“I want to have you from behind,” Phil says. “Want to watch it when I'm sliding in and out of you.”

Dan's mouth parts when Phil says that and he breathes in harsh through his nose. “Christ, you're a lot filthier than anybody would believe.”

“I like watching,” Phil states softly. Dan chuckles breathily, squirms out of his jeans.

“I like you liking watching,” Dan tells him. Phil pushes at Dan's boxers, gets them down around his ankles, and Dan steps out of them delicately.

“Wanna suck you for a bit first,” Phil says, and he drops to his knees, leaving Dan standing in front of him, kissing Dan's thighs, his stomach, and finally moving to lap at Dan's cock. “After all, don't know how much fun we'll be able to have on tour.”

Dan just lets out a soft sigh as Phil licks a wet stripe up Dan's dick and then seals his mouth around Dan, making Dan lurch slightly, hips jutting forward towards Phil's mouth.

“Fuck,” Dan curses and reaches down to tangle his fingers into Phil's hair, pressing gently. “God, I love your mouth on me,” he ushers out in a whisper. Phil fights back the urge to smile, inwardly pleased.

He likes Dan when Dan's unravelling for him. He sucks loosely, almost lazily, not wanting to really build up Dan too much, and Dan presses harder on Phil's head.

“More, come on,” Dan requests, and Phil decides to comply a little, taking Dan further into his mouth, until the head of Dan's cock bumps bluntly against his throat.

“Yeah, just like that,” Dan whispers and Phil does smile at that. He likes hearing Dan too. He just likes Dan in general, everything about him. He adores this gorgeous guy in front of him, begging for more, fingers twisting up in Phil's hair and making a mess of it.

“Don't want you to come like this,” Phil says as he pulls back, licks and swirls his tongue around the head of Dan's dick, and Dan twitches, arches his hips slightly towards Phil.

“No,” Dan agrees. “Want you inside me.” Phil sucks at the head again, reaches for the bedside drawer and finds the lube with one hand, blindly, pops it open and drizzles it onto his fingers.

He reaches around and slips a finger inside Dan smoothly, half-sucking at Dan, not taking Dan fully back into his mouth, and Dan groans, clenches up around Phil.

“Never thought I'd have a day where I got used to and wanted your fingers inside me,” Dan says, loosening for Phil, and Phil lazily slips that finger in and out of Dan, teasing him.

“More, please,” Dan says, sounding impatient and not at all polite, and Phil smirks. He likes impudent Dan too.

“Turn around and bend over. Arms on the bed.” Phil says, and watches as Dan does just that, angling himself over the bed, resting on his arms. He slides his finger back into Dan, then a second, feeling Dan stretching for him.

“You're so tight and hot inside,” Phil says, talking to Dan, knowing Dan gets off on dirty talk. He feels Dan shudder and push back at Phil's touch.

“Hurry up, get inside me. I've missed you.”

“Two days alone and you've missed me so much you're whining for me to have sex with you?” Phil teases. He feels Dan shift under his touch and he adds more lube, slides a third finger inside, widening Dan up for him.

“I wonder how you'd feel if I used four fingers,” Phil says. Dan shudders.

“Another day, want you to hurry up,” Dan says, voice half-muffled by the blankets.

Phil takes his time though, for a minute more, until he's sure he's got Dan slicked up enough for him, and then pours more lube into his hand, onto his dick, guides himself to push into Dan.

Dan lets out a muffled noise, halfway between a whine and a groan, tightening up again around Phil, and Phil moves until he's flush deep within Dan.

“Should I go slow and gentle or hard and fast?” Phil asks, suspecting he knows the answer.

“Hard and fast,” Dan moans. “Really wanna feel you.” So Phil does just that, dragging his hips back and snapping them forward, rocking Dan into the bed, and Dan fairly shouts.

“God, feels good,” Dan moans. Phil glances down and watches his cock slipping between Dan's cheeks, straight back into him, and he moves quick and steady, putting oomph behind each thrust, until Dan's letting out low groans with each action of Phil's.

Phil reaches down and touches Dan, wraps a hand around his erection, and Dan pushes back, so hard that when his thighs and arse hit Phil's thighs and groin there's a solid thump of noise.

Phil starts a steady stroking of Dan, and Dan arches forward, leaning all the way on his elbows, and Phil can really see himself slipping in and out of Dan. The image sears into his brain and goes straight to his groin and he feels a heat building in him.

“You look so bloody good like this,” Phil tells Dan lowly. Dan's breathing hard and heavy, fast, rocking into Phil's fist, squirming around underneath Phil, and his cock is stunningly hard, and Phil knows Dan's right there on edge.

He strokes faster, firmer, and screws Dan with all he's got, the bed squeaking, Dan getting so loud that he pushes his face into the bed to muffle himself, and even then, Phil can hear him.

“God, how good must it feel right now?” Phil asks, and Dan lifts his head enough to moan out, “So fucking good, you feel incredible.”

Then Dan's coming, he's crying out and stuffing his face back into the blanket, and Phil can feel Dan coming underneath his touch, spilling out across the bed.

He feels Dan squeezing tight around him, dragging him closer, and he squeezes his fingers around Dan's hips, pulling Dan back onto him, his thrusts short and fast now, still rough, and Dan keeps letting out whimpers of noise, of pleasure.

“Feels way too much,” Dan says, “Now that I've come, but don't stop, I didn't say it doesn't feel good,” he adds as Phil starts to slow, and Phil picks up the pace again, so close, until it hits him and washes over him, and he pushes deep into Dan, spilling into him.

With a sigh, Phil releases Dan's hips and slides back, slides out of him with his softening dick, leans down and presses a kiss to Dan's arched back.

“God, you're so great,” Phil says softly. Dan shivers. He straightens up as Phil steps away.

“I'm glad you think so,” Dan says, sounding pleased. He turns and kisses Phil again, deeply, and Phil kisses back until Dan breaks away. “Okay, I'm gonna clean up, use the bathroom, then you can go and have it,” and he's pulling on his boxers and heading out of the bedroom.

Later on, they've settled next to each other on the couch, Charlie between them, and Dan's angled himself so he can rest his head on Phil's shoulder as they watch television.

“We've gotta start packing,” Dan mumbles as he focuses on the television. “Did you want to do that tomorrow? Actually do something before the last minute for once?”

“Sure,” Phil agrees, even though he knows they'll both put it off tomorrow, and it'll be last minute as usual because he knows the both of them well enough, and Dan especially. Dan is the worst at putting things off until the last minute.

“Plus we have to make sure about that babysitter who's coming with us,” Dan reminds Phil.

“I'm the main parent, I'm the one worrying about this, remember?” Phil teases gently. “You worry so much about Charlie.”

Dan burrows his face into Phil's shoulder. “Well, I mean, I am … his parent too.” He hesitates only slightly when he says that and Phil assents with a hum.

“I suppose. But you don't have to worry so much. Tracy seems like a nice girl, she's got loads of references and a history with this centre, I think we'll be fine. She's going to meet us at the first tour location when we get in so she can take Charlie and we can get to our bus without too much fuss.”

“I don't like that we're gonna be away from our kid even for a little bit,” Dan complains.

“We're gonna be away from our kid a lot a bit – she and him have their own separate bus, remember? It's no worse than last time – at least now we'll be able to go see him every night when we're done if we want or before the shows, instead of only getting to visit him intermittently while we're near my parents.” Phil answers.

“Still, what if he gets scared?”

“I know, I know,” Phil shushes Dan. He's worried about that too, leaving Charlie with a babysitter who Charlie doesn't know, but he has to trust that she's going to do a good job.

 

Before they know it, it's the day of their flight, January 1st, and they didn't even ring in the New Year because they were asleep by eleven – to which Dan complains about getting old – and they did, as usual, put packing to the last minute, the last two days, and Dan's suitcase is a mess, while Phil's is at least mildly put together in a semblance of order.

They grab a cab, stuff their suitcase and bags into the back, and Phil brings all of Charlie's stuff down with him on the second trip, and the poor cabby's trunk is loaded up, and they've even got a bit spilling into the backseat with them.

They're never going to make it through customs with all this stuff, he thinks. It's going to take forever.

But they ride to the airport and go through the motions and it does indeed take forever, and they wait until their flight is called and Phil's apprehension grows as he carries Charlie on his hip and they queue in line to board the plane.

They're seating Charlie between the two of them so they can both try and distract him should he act up, Phil on the outside seat so if he needs to try and walk Charlie up and down and bounce him a little he can get up easily.

They board the flight and they left a day early so that they could have a day with Charlie and themselves because they're going to be near Disney World and they want Charlie to experience that joy.

They're sitting and watching passengers walk by them and a few of them coo over how cute Charlie is, and Charlie's currently interested in his stuffed zebra that they made sure to unpack from the overhead bag, so he had something he liked and felt safe with.

Phil's busy making it walk all over Charlie's lap and talk to him softly, occasionally coming up to boop Charlie's nose or cheek with it, making it give him a kiss, and when he glances up, he spots Dan gazing at him fondly.

“Phil, you really are the best dad,” Dan says as Phil meets his eyes. Phil feels warmth prickle at his neck, pleasure at the compliment.

“Thank you, Dan,” he says, and he offers the zebra to Dan, who takes it, and Charlie reaches for it as it crosses his path, catches hold of it, Dan and Charlie having a little play fight for the zebra.

Dan gives in and Charlie squeals with delight over his toy, shaking it triumphantly in his hand and then settling down to playing with the fluffy mane it has.

Dan leans over and kisses Charlie's forehead, smooths down his ever-present cowlick that refuses to stay smooth, and sits back up. “He's such a happy baby. Let's hope he doesn't freak out on the plane ride.”

The terrible twos are, in fact, thankfully remiss during the flight. If anything, Charlie seems more laidback about flying then Phil or Dan, falling asleep mere minutes after they take off.

He is wide-eyed at the noise of the engines pushing them off the ground, looking around, and a bit of turbulence wakes him with a small cry, but he doesn't start to fully sob, and a quick biscuit that Phil had gotten on his in-flight meal and saved for Charlie makes quick work of his upset mood.

The flight goes smoothly, in fact. Phil feeds Charlie and then plays a game that he invents on the spot that mostly involves tickling Charlie and gently poking him and asking “Where will I get you next?”, fingers hovering over Charlie's body, until Charlie breaks into giggles.

They land and go through the process of gathering up all their stuff, finding all their suitcases and bags on the stowaway luggage circling around and around, and make their way to the hotel in a cab.

It's far too late to go to Disney World that day, which is why they're going tomorrow, and so for the rest of the night, they settle in to their hotel, order room service, and then settle in for the night.

Phil had been forced to buy a portable crib for Charlie since they couldn't exactly bring his non-folding crib with and he sets it up, gets it filled with Charlie's blanket and zebra, and gently puts Charlie down to sleep at around nine. They dim the lights in the hotel room, turning off everything but the lamp between their two beds, and Phil curls up with Dan in his bed.

“So. You nervous?” He asks. “Tour starts in two days. I know we've already done it once but I'm nervous.”

Dan nods. “I'm nervous too,” he answers. “The crowds are gonna be bigger this time. We sold more tickets.”

“Just think of all that money we're going to wind up spending on Charlie's future. We should set up a bank account for him when we get home, now that I think about it, put extra finances in it every month, start saving up for uni now.”

“Dad,” Dan teases him. “Such a father, such a parent, such an old fart. Thinking about _finances_ for our child's education.”

“Well, you certainly haven't,” Phil retorts. “Though I have noticed a few new jumpers that I'm assuming cost a pretty penny in your closet,” he says back. He doesn't mind that Dan spends money on himself. Dan earns it, and Dan deserves it. He's just taking the piss with Dan right now and Dan knows it.

“I look good in those jumpers.”

“Aside from the potato sack one, yes, you do.” Phil agrees. “You look better out of them, though.”

“You would go there.” Dan says. “Who knew you were as sexual as a teenage boy? I would have thought it was out of your system.”

“Making up for all those lost years where we had very little since we started getting known on Youtube,” Phil shoots back. He leans in and kisses Dan softly. “It's a shame our baby has to share a room with us. We could have sex right here and you could be as loud as you wanted because nobody knows who we are.”

“As loud as I wanted?” Dan asks, though his smile is giving away his attempt at denying it. He's loud in bed and Phil definitely has had to muffle him a few times to keep from waking up or disturbing Charlie.

“Don't even tell me you're not, you're the one who was stuffing his face into the bedsheets to cover up your noise the last time,” Phil says. “You're a bit of a slut,” and Dan cracks up.

“I can't believe I just heard the word 'slut' come out of your mouth, especially in regards to me, you were the one who told me you weren't going to go more than a week without me screwing you after that first time I had you,” Dan shoots back and Phil covers up his own laugh with a cough.

“Okay, let's both agree that we're both disturbingly horny minxes and that's why we get on so well in the bedroom and you are disturbingly loud.”

“Fine,” Dan says, and he looks at Phil, eyes shining bright in the dim light, grinning. “You're a terrible boyfriend.”

“You're even worse,” Phil replies, not meaning it for a second, and he lifts an arm for Dan to curl up near him. “You still nervous?”

Dan pauses. “No – you made me forget about it. Though now I'm going to be nervous again since you reminded me.”

Phil reaches for the remote with his free hand, turns the television on, keeps the volume low so they don't wake up Charlie. “Let's see if they have anything good on in this hotel,” he says.

It turns out there's a marathon of Friends reruns and they settle on that for a couple of hours, until they agree that they should go to bed, since they're going to be busy tomorrow, and Dan mumbles into Phil's shoulder, “Well, at least when Charlie has his own tour bus with Tracy, as much as we're gonna miss him, we can be loud then.”

“How the hell are we going to manage to have sex in those tiny tour bus beds?” Phil asks. “Those barely fit one person, let alone two.”

“Um. We'll figure something out.” Dan says. “I know you're not going to go a month and a week without getting something.”

Phil can agree to that much at least. “We'll figure it out,” he concedes. He flicks off the television and has the decency to put the remote back on the night stand, unlike Dan, who would have likely just tossed it into the blankets, leaving it missing when they woke up the next morning.

“Sleep now,” he says, reaching to switch off the lamp. “Charlie's going to Disney World tomorrow.”

The next day comes and they dress Charlie in a thin-sleeved jumper, because it's a bit chilly, given that it's January, even for Florida, and Phil carries Charlie until they get to the entrance gate and find a stroller they can borrow for the day.

He settles Charlie into it. “Okay, where should we go first?”

Dan's on his phone and he's got the website pulled up, attractions filtered by age, and he says, “Look, there's a plane ride thing, the Astro Orbiter, wanna start there?”

So they make their way through the park, which is already crowded despite it being what they consider early, and they stop a couple of times to get pictures of Charlie with first Donald Duck and then Goofy, before finding the ride.

They queue again, and wait about ten minutes in line before it's their turn. Phil gets Charlie settled in in front of him, and turns around to see Dan in the ride behind him.

Dan calls over to Phil, “I feel ridiculous, this is meant for children, I am not a children.”

“You're sometimes as mature as one,” Phil calls back teasingly. “And your interests aren't that different, video games, the internet, and junk food.”

Dan scowls at him and Phil grins, his tongue doing the little sticky-out thing at the corner, as he turns back around.

Charlie _loves_ the Astro Orbiter, it turns out. He loves flying up into the air as they wheel around, although Phil holds extra tight to Charlie because he's suddenly concerned about his baby slipping out of the seat.

Phil hazards a glance back at Dan once more as they reach the high point of the ride and sees Dan grinning, despite his earlier complaint, and he's pleased that Dan's enjoying the ride too.

It seems all too soon the ride is over and they're exiting their seats and they then make their way over to “It's a Small World”, which is even more crowded than the first one.

Their day passes in a blur, taking pictures, going on the Jungle Cruise ride, then a carousel, then even going to a couple of shows, “Dream Along With Mickey”, a meet and greet with Disney friends in the square, grabbing lunch and feeding Charlie, and a few more rides after that, and finally finishing up with going to the Splash 'N' Soak Station where Charlie gleefully plays in the water.

Their day is over too fast and then it's six PM and they have to go, because it's starting to get a little chillier out and Phil doesn't want Charlie getting sick, and he's getting hungry again and he suspects Charlie is too, given that Charlie's starting to act up a little.

Plus, they have to meet up with Tracy by nine tomorrow morning so they can drop off Charlie with her and get ready for the start of their tour tomorrow.

He's nervous as hell. It's been building in him all day. Dan seems much the same and they don't make much small talk as they head out of the park, back to the hotel room, and they're quiet throughout the night.

Dan even sleeps in the other bed that night, tossing and turning while Phil lies awake, staring at the clock every half an hour, waiting to sleep.

Charlie's the only one who gets to sleep well and early that night, because Charlie doesn't have to worry about the dozens of things that could go wrong on tour in front of all their fans.

They didn't sleep easy the night before last time and they certainly aren't now. Phil begs whatever deity might exist if they exist to let him sleep, and finally, around one in the morning, he thinks he finally falls out.

 


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, just to let you know, time's going to start passing a lot faster in this fic, bigger chunks of time between events, just so you know, but we still have a long way to go. :)

The next morning comes early and they wake up at seven-thirty, have a quick breakfast, get checked out and get all of Charlie's stuff, and head over to their two tour buses, one of which is Charlie's.

Dan's hauling all of Charlie's stuff, while Phil's carrying both his and Dan's luggage with Charlie in a strap-on chest carrier and they're both too drastically out of shape for this, huffing and puffing. Sweat's beading his forehead after just five minutes and there's a girl with black hair cut bluntly to her chin and green eyes waiting for them.

They'd seen a picture of her on the website they went through so they recognise her and Dan calls out a wheezy, “Hullo, Tracy,” and she smiles at them, coming to meet them.

“Want me to grab some of that?” She asks Dan, who gratefully lets her help him.

Dan opens the door to Charlie and Tracy's bus and they haul all of Charlie's stuff inside, settle it as best they can, while Phil goes to his and Dan's bus and unloads their stuff simply by dropping it, returning to Tracy and Dan.

Getting Charlie situated is more important right now. They've got all day to situate themselves but he's going to be giving up his baby to Tracy in just over a half an hour.

“So, are you two excited?” She asks. “Your show's in seven hours, do you have a lot of preparations to do before the show?”

She's from the South, and she's got the faintest twang to her voice, and it's pretty cute, actually, and Phil smiles at that. She sets him at ease and he unbuckles Charlie from his chest, sighing at the release of weight off him.

Charlie's a hefty little thing. He's around twenty-five pounds and twenty-five pounds on Phil's chest is not exactly pleasant.

Tracy takes him with a little “oomph!” and smiles at him. “Hi, Charlie! I'm Tracy and I'll be looking after you while your daddy is busy being a famous star in front of everybody, is that okay?”

“Okay?” Charlie repeats back and Phil grins.

“He's very smart, you'll have lots of fun with him,” Phil tells her and she nods.

“I'm sure I will, he seems smart.” She tickles his tummy with a free hand and he squeals with delight, and Phil smiles again, because already he's relaxing.

“We don't actually have to be there for another four hours – we could stick around for a while longer.” Dan pipes up. It's true, they have to get to the venue an hour before their meet and greet just to get everything set up, then they have two hours of meeting and greeting, then the show which is a little over an hour and a half long, and they'll be done and back at their bus probably by nine-thirty that night.

“No, no, you two go relax. It'll give me more bonding time with Charlie. We'll just sit and read and watch some videos.”

It's amazing how much of Charlie's toys they've brought with them, so he won't be bored, but Tracy's brought her own stuff as well and Charlie's going to have so much entertainment that Dan and Phil aren't nearly as worried anymore.

“If you're sure,” Phil says, looking at his son. He kisses Charlie's forehead and then takes his son's hand and plants a kiss to his palm, and Charlie squeezes his fingers together.

Dan moves forward and plops a messy kiss to Charlie's cheek. “Okay, Charlie-barley, we're gonna go away for a while, but we'll be back tonight to come see you before we go to bed, I promise, okay?”

“Da,” Charlie tells him, and Dan smiles at him.

“Yeah, okay, I'll miss you too, you chunky little monster,” Dan informs him.

Then he and Phil make their way over to their own bus and unpack, which takes about an hour, and leaves them with three hours to themselves, which they spend playing on their laptops because what else would they do, really?

Their first show goes by quickly, their meet and greet more subdued because they can't accept gifts to bring back overseas so they don't have a pile of growing items next to them, and Dan and Phil hug whiskered fans endlessly, until it's time to make their way to the stage.

Afterwards, they wave to the cheering crowd, make their way out of the back of the venue, are still greeted by fans who have managed to make their way back there, offer a few hugs and scribble their names on a few books, and disappear back to their bus.

The actual show always exhausts them. Putting on a performance for a screaming crowd under the hot lights is actually quite tiring, and their venues are more crowded than they were back in the UK, and Dan's hair has started to curl into the hobbit hair that he so profusely hates.

But rather than go back to their own tour bus, their first stop is to see Charlie.

“I was just about to put him to bed,” Tracy says with a smile. “How was the show?”

“Oh, wonderful, it was great,” Phil tells her. “Overwhelming as usual.” He's kissing Charlie's face and hugging him tight. Even being away from his son for less than half a day is hard on him.

“Excuse me, excuse me,” Dan is saying impatiently, “I would like a chance to hug the small child too,” and they're downplaying their relationship, not giving away to Tracy that they're dating or that Charlie is both of theirs, which is the only reason Dan doesn't say, “my son,” and so Phil turns and hands over Charlie, who latches onto Dan's fringe instantly.

“Ow, ow, why doesn't he ever do this to you?” Dan asks, trying to extricate his hair from Charlie's grip.

“He just really likes your hair,” Phil laughs. Dan manages to unclench Charlie's fingers from his hair and blows a big, loud fart on Charlie's cheek and Charlie fairly shrieks with laughter.

Phil and Dan coo over Charlie for a few more minutes until Phil realises that it is getting pretty late and they should let Tracy put Charlie to bed and they'll see him tomorrow morning.

So Phil takes Charlie back from Dan and then places Charlie in his travel crib. “You be a good boy and don't wake up Tracy in the middle of the night crying for food, yeah?” Phil asks Charlie, who looks at him with big, serious eyes.

“Okay, I'm taking that as agreement,” Phil tells Charlie, who smiles brightly at Phil, and Phil smiles back. “Best baby in the world, you are. If you're good tonight, me and Dan will stop off somewhere tomorrow and pick you up some chocolate,” and he probably shouldn't be getting his son so used to candy, but what's the real harm?

“Oh god, you're going to make him even heavier, it's already hard enough to carry him, I can't wait until he can walk next to us all the time,” Dan complains. Tracy laughs at the two of them interacting, and Dan reaches down and strokes Charlie's hair once.

“Goodnight, Charlieboy,” Dan says, and then he and Phil are leaving Tracy and Charlie to themselves on the bus and heading back to their own tour bus.

The next week of the tour flies by and Tracy seems to really be bonding with Charlie, who happily accepts her as his new sitter. Phil's so grateful that he's got such a good kid. He could have wound up with a terror but Charlie's just such a laidback baby.

He and Dan are having a brilliant time on tour, even if the road trips on the bus are bumpy and make taking naps almost impossible.

Their days settle into spending the morning and early afternoon with Charlie and Tracy, then heading back to their bus to get prepared for the tour in the afternoon, and then coming back after the show and spending a few hours relaxing online or playing video games on their 3DS's.

It's oddly easy and comfortable, and they're doing great, doing their second New York show, and as they exit the stage, they notice that there's less fangirls than normal waiting for them, especially for a place as big as New York, and somehow that feels off to Phil.

They still take the few minutes to greet a few more fans and sign things and pose for selfies, but it feels wrong, although he doesn't know why.

They're heading for the bus when he realises why. There's a gaggle of fans actually waiting by the tour buses. Somehow, they've snuck past security and have figured out that the tour buses are Dan and Phil's, obviously.

His phone is buzzing and he grabs it, and it's a text from Tracy. _Help?_ _What do I do?_

 _Stay inside and make sure nobody sees Charlie_ , he texts back, and he and Dan are already half-running.

He has no idea what he's going to say, all he knows is that he's scared and upset, and glancing over at Dan, he can see the same thing written plain on Dan's face, and Phil's more concerned over what _Dan_ might say to them, because Dan's always been the more prolific one of them to get angry.

So Phil speaks first, before Dan can speak, as they approach, raising his voice. “Guys, this really isn't cool,” he says firmly, although these are the fangirls that he hates, the ones who don't care about privacy, and instead they start grinning wider and waving.

“We're sorry, we just wanted a glimpse of you and Charlie and Dan,” one of them says, and Dan's opening his mouth to speak.

“This is our private space, this isn't for you, you need to get out of here, now,” Dan says, voice a little angry, and the fangirls seem to take this into account.

“Just a glimpse of Charlie? We just want to give him toys,” and sure enough, a few of them have little stuffed animals.

“We already told you that we can't accept gifts on this tour,” Phil says, trying to bely his anxiety. He catches Tracy peeking out of the window, and he hopes she listens to him and stays inside.

“Please, we just want to say hello to your son,” yet another pleads, and Dan snaps here.

“Look, you're not going to see him. He's staying in his bus and we're going in ours, and we will call security if you don't get going,” and Phil reaches for Dan's arm, touches it gently.

But Dan's anger in his voice has startled them, and while they pout, they begin to dissipate. Phil waits until they've walked a fair distance before he even knocks on Tracy's door.

She opens it, looking terrified. “They showed up like not even five minutes after the show and they were there for like fifteen minutes before you got here. I didn't know what to do. Charlie's in his crib, I didn't even think of letting them in, I promise. I would never do that.”

“I know, I know,” Phil says, and he instinctively reaches over and hugs her, and then Dan hugs her too, and he can feel her shaking slightly. “You're great, thank you so much. I'm so sorry. I'm going to call and make sure we have better security for the rest of the shows.”

He picks up his son and hugs him tight. “My poor baby. Getting freaking stalked by our fans. I can't believe they'd do that, you'd think they'd know us well enough to respect that. I really can't believe that.”

“Sometimes I forget how crazy our fans our,” Dan says softly.

“I'm so angry right now,” Phil says, equally as soft, trying to keep his voice calm though. “We need to make a video about this tonight.”

“Agreed.” Dan says. He steals Charlie from Phil though and kisses his cheek, stroking his hair. “Poor thing. I'm so glad he has no idea what was going on outside.”

They spend longer than they have to with Tracy, reassuring her that it won't happen again, even as she shakily puts Charlie to bed.

Then, they make their way back to their own tour bus, after stealthily glancing outside to make sure nobody is there again, and they don't have their equipment for making a professional video, so it's going to just be filmed on Dan's iPhone.

They sit side by side and talk briefly about what they want to say, and then Dan turns on the video.

“Guys, we need to have a talk.” There's no friendly pretense of “Hey guys, it's Dan and Phil,” they want to set the seriousness of the video immediately. “We just got done with our second New York show and something majorly unokay happened. There were a bunch of fans who managed to sneak where our tour buses are and were crowding it, trying to get a glimpse of Charlie.”

Phil cuts in now. “I brought Charlie with because I didn't want to be away from my baby for the length of this tour, and if I'm going to have to regret this, we're going to stop trusting our fans.”

Dan speaks up again now. “You can't just do things like that. You can't show up and try to get us to show off Charlie or even find out where we're staying. We've had fans in the past who released information about where we lived and it's caused us a lot of stress, to the point that we've had to discuss moving flats. Now, thankfully, we're only in each venue for a couple nights at most, but now we have to call about more security because we can't trust you guys.”

Phil's turn to speak comes. “I want my baby safe above all. If I can't feel like my baby is safe, I won't do things like this in the future. Do you really want me and Dan to stop doing things together for you guys because you've made us feel unsafe?”

He pauses. “I know you all really want to meet my baby because he's so cute but it's not happening. Charlie's life is separate from Dan's and mine. I never want him to know that kind of spotlight that we put ourselves through. So I am begging you all to make sure you don't let this kind of thing happen again or there will be dire consequences.”

Dan turns off the recording a second later and sets about uploading it to Youtube, and Phil rakes his fingers through his hair.

Dan's nerves have clearly been on edge from all this and he snaps after he's got the video uploading. “This is bullshit!” he says, loudly, edgily.

“I know it is,” Phil says wearily, “and tomorrow morning, I'm calling about having security for the tour buses, because I don't want this happening again,” but this does nothing to placate Dan.

“This is totally not okay, this is unfair to Charlie. What if Tracy wanted to take him out for a little and get him some fresh air, now she's going to be afraid to do that because of our fans.”

“I know,” Phil says quietly, solemnly.

This does nothing to stop Dan. “I'm so disgusted with them sometimes. Most of them are okay but then we have the stalkers, the ones who give out what street we live on or fucking stalk us at this show, and I mean, sometimes I hate being semi-famous because of that!”

Phil blinks at him. “Really? I wouldn't have taken that from you.”

Dan gives him a confused, slightly angry stare. “What are you talking about?”

Phil shrugs. “You're the one of us who seems to thrive on the attention more than me. You've always seemed to enjoy being famous more than me. You're the one who's got more subscribers and does documentaries for BBC.”

Dan sits down on his bed and stares down Phil. “I love doing those things. I don't love being stalked. I don't always enjoy the attention it gives me.”

Phil lifts an eyebrow. “Once again, you're the one who seems to milk the fans for all its worth. You're the one who teases them with your tweets and replies.”

“That's different, that's me interacting with my fans and having fun with them. That's not getting _fucking stalked_ ,” Dan shoots back.

“It just seems like sometimes you're in it just for the money,” and instantly Phil knows he's gone a step too far, even as his mouth continues on with, “and I don't want Charlie to grow up with a father like that.”

“What the blazing fuck do you even mean?” Dan proper shouts now. Phil cringes, but he has to continue.

“Your Danisnotonfire persona. We both know that's the front you put on for all your fans and that's what makes you all the money, just the same way I'm Amazingphil, but I try to be more close to who I really am. I don't want Charlie to grow up watching his father act like someone completely different just for money.” Phil says.

He's surprised for how calm his voice is, given that they're having a fight. Dan is gaping at him.

“We have to earn money somehow, and if putting on my video persona is how I do it, I don't see what the problem is. That's how we make a fucking living, Phil, we make videos. I'm pretty sure Charlie will understand.”

“It's different, it's hard to explain, but it's different. You've got this persona you put on and it earns you money and I don't want Charlie seeing that outside of your videos, because sometimes you slip into that Dan persona with fans.”

“So I have a Dan persona, who fucking cares? It's just a persona because I need to have that persona, because that's what they know from my videos. I'm sorry if that somehow personally affronts you, Phil, and I'm sorry if I want to make money, but that's just how it is.”

“I just – I want what's best for Charlie,” Phil says softly.

“And you think I don't? I care about Charlie more than I care about myself,” Dan says angrily. “I think about him more than myself, probably.”

Phil sighs heavily. “I don't want Charlie to grow up thinking his father is a fraud who all he cares about is making money with his persona.”

Dan gives Phil a disgusted look. “How the fuck could you live with me for five years and be dating me and think such a thing? Once the cameras are off, once we're out of the fan's reach, the persona is gone and you know it. You're the same way, and yeah, maybe it's less, but you're the same way.”

“I guess,” Phil sighs. “But it just feels wrong. It feels different. Sometimes being famous isn't worth it, it seems.”

“Well, no shit,” Dan agrees with him there. “Not when it comes with being stalked.” He lets out a long sigh. “How'd we even get started on this fight, anyways?”

Phil shakes his head. “We're just rattled and taking it out on each other, I think,” and he looks at Dan. “I'm sorry, okay?”

“Yeah, sure, okay,” Dan says, but he still looks hurt. He doesn't say sorry back, either. “I'm just gonna go to bed. I'm drained. Be quiet tonight, could you?”

So that's how the night ends, a strange tension between them as Dan lies in his bunk, as Phil watches the response to their video uploading, the instantaneous reaction of hundreds of fans outcrying the ones who had stalked them, and he's grateful that at least most of their fans are decent human beings.

Eventually he goes to bed too, but it feels all wrong, and he even sleeps in his own bed, instead of sharing one with Dan, despite it being cramped and crowded, because he knows Dan's still angry at him.

 


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, I realise this chapter is somewhat unrealistic, and I apologise if it throws any of you.

The fight passes, unresolved. For a few days, it's tense on the bus and when Dan's there, Phil spends more time with Charlie on the other bus, and vice versa, until finally Dan's the one to catch Phil and circle his fingers around his wrist, say, “We need to get over this, look, I'm sorry about what happened,” and Phil sighs and shrugs, and while it's not really an acceptance of an apology, he can't go on with the tenseness, not in such tight quarters, so they just sort of move on.

The tour is amazing, and with the added security, there's the safety of knowing Charlie's not going to have anything happen to him. Charlie's a good baby even on tour, barely crying, and Tracy seems to fall in love with him just as much as Dan and Phil, and it's not uncommon for them to show up after a show or after breakfast and find her playing with him, blowing kisses on his tummy the way Dan does, although Dan can elicit the best squeals from him.

Then she lets him up and Charlie's up on his feet, toddling over to Phil or Dan, calling for one of his fathers cheerfully, and they swing him up into their arms – hefty thing that he is – and cuddle him and give him kisses on the cheek, wet and loud and tickle him until he giggles.

They were trying to downplay Dan's role in Charlie's life, but it became apparent enough from Charlie's response to Dan that _that_ wasn't an option, so within another week of the tour Tracy's figured out that they're a couple, that Dan is Charlie's dad as much as Phil, although mum's the word from her, she promises.

Touring is exhausting. It's hard to sleep on the buses when they're driving, and Dan and Phil aren't getting enough sleep, but the adrenaline rush of doing each performance is enough to knock that out of them, at least until they step off stage and make their way back to their uncomfortable beds.

Sex is hard too. The bunks are tiny and really, the only feasible things are blowjobs, where one person can kneel in front of the tiny bed, and Phil is getting really impatient to get home with their big comfortable beds where they can do _other things_ that feel as equally good.

By the third week, the fight is completely forgotten, and Dan and Phil are back to being themselves, spending all their time together, although tour buses make for ways to argue even easier, like when Phil's socks wind up on the floor or when they drive through an area that has no internet and the both of them are so bored out of their mind they start naming the cows they can see as they pass by in the night, because neither of them can sleep, and somehow they get into a half argument about cows of all things.

In retrospect, it's kind of funny, and Phil wishes he'd had the camera rolling so he could put that one on the internet, because it wasn't really an argument, just a passionate disagreement.

By the fourth week of tour, they're officially sick of tour buses, they're sick of not sleeping well, and they're almost, to be honest, sick of blowjobs or really uncomfortable, squeezed together in the bunk handjobs, never enough room, the uncomfortable lurch of a bus moving and hitting potholes.

Charlie's a beam of sunshine though, every day, in the morning after breakfast, that they go and visit for a while until it's time to get ready for their show. In order to differentiate between “da” and “da-da”, they've started calling Dan “pa” and “papa”, in hopes that it'll stick and Charlie will pick up on it.

Charlie's so big, although he does catch a cold in the fourth week of tour, and poor Tracy is left to do most of the caretaking, but she assures them that it comes with the territory.

The final week of tour is the most intense. They've not covered nearly enough places, and people are disappointed, and they're doing their best to make their final week of shows the best they can, especially because they're having it taped for people who couldn't afford tickets.

So they do their skits, put on their flashy golden outfits, engage in the audience participation, and give it everything they've got, and they're exhausted afterwards, too exhausted to even contemplate cramped sex, so exhausted that when they visit Charlie, Dan actually nods off with his head on Phil's lap while holding Charlie, and while Phil finds it endearing, Charlie's disappointment with his father not paying attention to him is expressed with grabbing Dan's fringe yet again and tugging.

Dan lets out a muffled shout in surprise, face pressed into Phil's shoulder, and he actually scolds Charlie enough that Charlie starts to cry, and they've never really _had_ to scold Charlie, so neither of them quite know what to do.

After all, Charlie shouldn't be pulling Dan's fringe but they don't want to make him feel bad, and Tracy watches the two of them as they try and talk Charlie down, telling him, “No, it's okay, but you can't do that, please don't cry, just don't pull at Dan's hair anymore, it's okay,” and Phil gives Dan a plaintive look of _now look what we've done_ , and in the end, Tracy is the one who steps in, takes Charlie, feeds him a biscuit and talks to him softly while Phil and Dan stand there and feel like horrible parents.

Before leaving, Dan gives Charlie extra cuddles so Charlie knows that Dan's not actually mad at him and Phil gives Charlie extra cuddles because, well, he loves Charlie a lot and his kid deserves all the cuddles in the world.

By the time their tour is over, they are quite literally both physically and mentally exhausted. Tracy is looking forward to getting home, they're looking forward to sleeping in real beds, and Charlie is the only one who doesn't seem frustrated by anything.

So their final show goes off without a hitch and then the next day, they're heading to the airport, and sleep is going to be a scarcity that night because they, as per usual, forgot to pack up their things and are going to spend the majority of the night packing.

In the hecticness of it all, Phil realises that soon, he and Dan will have been together for eight months, and it seems astonishing that they've been together that long, and it seems like not long at all.

It seems like it was only a couple of months ago that they were lying in bed talking through everything, kissing for the first time without restrictions, and he doesn't think it's possible but he remembers mentioning how they'd spent a year and two months raising a baby together, and Charlie was born in April, and it had been before Dan's birthday, and they've made it all the way through early February now, and how has it been eight months, it simply can't be.

But it is, and he mentions it to Dan as they're shoving things into suitcases and trying to arrange everything to fit. Dan stops, looks at him, does the same maths in his head, and blinks.

“How?” He asks, and Phil shrugs helplessly, but he grins at Dan, and Dan grins back, and he's so in love with Dan that it swells up in his chest and almost hurts.

“Ten minute break?” He asks, and he's already reaching for Dan, pushing at his joggers, and Dan's laughing a little, falling backwards towards the tiny bed.

“So romantic,” Dan teases him, and Phil swats at him with a mouthful of Dan action going on, ignoring the mess of clothes and suitcases and bags and chaos around them.

The next day, they say goodbye to Tracy, and she makes them promise to stay in touch and actually send her photos of Charlie, because she loves this baby too, and they agree – they might not send her tons of photos but for as long as she spent with them, she deserves updates on their kid.

They haul everything, which seems about ten times heavier and more overwhelming, to their airport and wait for their plane, and they're exhausted because they both got about three hours of sleep that night.

Phil's counting on Charlie being as good a baby as he was the first time around and not crying during the flight, and thankfully, Charlie is a good baby, which means he and Dan both pretty much pass out for most of the flight, only waking for the in-flight meal, feeding Charlie mashed potatoes and bits of mushy turkey, and Charlie makes a face, to which Dan utters a low, “I agree, this food is crap,” and Phil doesn't even bother with his own meal after that.

They land, they find two cabs because last time's single cab was so cramped it was uncomfortable, and they ride back to their flat and haul everything upstairs, dropping it on the floor.

Unpacking will happen tomorrow, Phil thinks. Today is a day to themselves.

They promptly spend the rest of the day sitting next to each other, catching up on the internet, and Dan tweets out a picture of all their stuff with the caption _look at all this unpacking were not doing ill hire someone instead._

Phil tweets out a photo of Charlie, because it's been a while since he let the world see Charlie, and his tweet is _twenty-five pounds and still growing, this kid is the best baby in all of England_.

Dan instantly retweets it, and the two of them spend the next half-hour answering questions about Charlie, and all in all, it's a nice way to relax after the tour.

 

Dan starts acting a little strangely though, Phil notices, as their eight month anniversary comes and goes. He tweets more about Charlie, he tweets more about Phil and him in a domestic nature, and it's something unlike Phil has ever experienced, given the nature of how he and Dan were back in 2012 and 2013.

Which is why he is utterly floored when, one day after a round of quite literally breathtaking sex, he and Dan are lying in a pile of tangled limbs, sticky and sweaty, and Dan lifts his head up from the pillow enough to say in a tremulous voice, “I want to come out,” and Phil is left staring at him.

“You want to come out?” Phil asks. “You, of all people. You, who basically went completely no-homo on everybody way back when, want to come out?”

“Hey, I wasn't the only one who was acting that way, you're the one who started the 'we had a mutual friend who introduced us' rumour,” Dan says, a bit more sharply than Phil expects, and Phil blinks because, well, it's true. That liveshow had been a bit of a wreck.

“I want to come out, okay?” Dan says.

Phil thinks about it for a few minutes and Dan lies there in silence. Phil almost hates to bring it up, given their most recent fight, but he has to. “Is this a ploy for more attention? Because you know the fangirls will eat it up. It'll be a shitstorm and I'm sure we'll both get a ton of subscribers because of all the attention.”

His words were picked wrongly and Dan gapes at him before getting up and yanking on his clothes. “I cannot believe you would even say that,” Dan says. “I want to come out because I'm a huge part of Charlie's life and I want people to know that, I want people to know why I'm such a huge part of his life.”

Phil is quiet there but his words must have affected Dan more than he knew because Dan's still talking. “If you're going to be so harsh and close-minded about the idea of coming out and think that I'm doing it for attention, maybe we shouldn't ever come out at all then, because don't you think I've thought about all the attention it'll bring?”

“Dan,” Phil starts, and Dan holds up a hand to stop him, anger on his face.

“I want to do it even though I'm scared shitless because Charlie's my son too, and I want people to know all about the role I play in Charlie's life, and maybe, just maybe, because you make me happier than I've ever been and even though I am scared, I wanted people to know how happy I was.”

Phil has no words.

“I don't know why you think everything is for attention with me. What, is it because I have more subscribers? You think I want to get more subscribers through coming out? Or because I play up all the dramatic things in my life like they're the end of the world?” Dan's on a tirade now, he's dressed and standing at the foot of the bed, and Phil has no words because he knows he was wrong, but he doesn't know how to say it besides, “I'm sorry,” and that won't do.

“We'll probably lose subscribers if anything if we come out, because there are homophobic pricks, and that's fine by me too, because who needs them, I just want to make it clear how important Charlie and you are to me, and I'm the one putting all my fears to the side when I'm terrified at the concept still, because it's that important to me.”

With that final bit of anger flung out of him, Dan leaves the room, goes into Phil's room, and Phil hears him with Charlie, talking softly, telling him how much he loves him, and Phil listens as Dan asks Charlie if Charlie ever gets confused and frustrated, asks him if babies can have existential crises, or if babies care about anything besides who's going to change their diaper and feed them.

Phil thinks. He lies there and thinks about what Dan said. Dan's right, to be honest. Dan has every right to want to come out and tell people about the role that he plays in both of their lives.

It's a case of privacy, sure, and he knows youtubers who are together and don't come out for privacy's sake, and he can see him and Dan together for years and never coming out, and that would probably eat them up inside slowly.

They've been together eight months, and that's not a huge amount of time, but then when he thinks about it, they've been together longer in their own way, starting with Charlie, how Charlie brought them together, sleeping in the same bed, their intimacy growing so close, but even before that, they've always been Dan and Phil who were tight, best friends, and it's only a natural progression to where they've gotten, and looking back on it, sometimes he's stunned they never got here sooner.

The only reason he's got not to come out is because of the explosion it'll cause and is he ready for it, is Dan ready for it. He thinks of Hannah and Ingrid, he thinks of Troye and Connor who recently came out, he thinks of all their Youtube friends who are in relationships and out about it, though the straight ones certainly didn't get the same kind of drama.

Because of course there will be drama and fangirls but he's more mature than he used to be, Charlie's sort of forced him into a maturity he never imagined himself having this young, and Dan's grown up too.

Dan's the one who broke it off with a girl because he realised she wouldn't care about Charlie, Dan's the one who has been there right beside Phil raising Charlie, and Dan has every right to tell people about it.

Dan shouldn't have to hide it. And sure, they could make a video where they just talk about Dan's importance to Charlie, but it would only be half the story, because it wouldn't talk about Dan's importance to Phil.

Phil wants Dan to get the recognition he deserves. More than his fears, he thinks, and he gets up, goes to Dan in the other room after dressing himself, places a kiss to Charlie's cheek, then Dan's, and Dan looks at him with hurt eyes.

“I want to talk about this. Tomorrow. Not tonight. Let things cool off.” Phil says. “Just, come to bed, yeah?”

Dan heaves a sigh. “Okay,” he says, and he sounds tired and frustrated, and Phil reaches for Dan's hand, tangles his fingers up with Dan's.

“It's not bad. I've got thoughts but it's not bad,” Phil tries to reassure Dan. He leads Dan to the bed, where they tuck themselves in and Phil places a hand to rest on Dan's hip, strokes over the skin there.

“I love you, you know,” Phil says quietly. “More than you'd believe,” and Dan tilts his head to look at Phil in the darkness.

“Love you too. Even if sometimes you say asshole things,” and Phil sighs heavily at that.

“I don't mean to say them and hurt you. I just worry about things. Our branding, for one thing. I mean, it'll be even more Dan and Phil then, if we come out, we're not going to just be flatmates, we're going to be boyfriends, and people are going to push that on us.”

“I know that,” Dan says. “But I don't care. I want people to know about me and Charlie and you and me because the two of you make me happier than I've ever been in my life. I didn't think I could get any happier than after we released the book, after we did our tour, but Charlie was always there and improving my life with his perfectness, and then you – I don't even know, you just came along and knocked me off my feet with that confession and it's only gotten better, and right now I'm just … I'm tired of hiding it away, I want to share it with the world.”

“So I guess we're having the talk now?” Phil asks softly, “Instead of tomorrow?”

Dan shrugs. “I'm not going to be able to sleep, might as well.”

“Okay. Well. Here's my thoughts. You're right – you do deserve it. I just feel like sometimes I've always had to look at things from the business end of things and what it might do to us, how we portray ourselves.”

“We'll be fine,” Dan says softly. “Our careers aren't going to suffer. You should know that. Like I said, we might lose a few subscribers, but we'll probably gain some in the process too, and I mean, I never thought I'd say this, but we might be inspirational, you know? Coming out and giving someone hope that they can come out one day?”

“That's just a fringe benefit, though,” Phil says. “There's going to be so much drama if we come out. There might be people who try and get more information about us, I mean, we know there are people who know what street we live on and have told people, so what if we come out and fans start actively trying to catch glimpses of us as we're leaving and assault us with questions about our relationship, about your relationship with Charlie?”

“I'd hope that our fans are decent enough that they wouldn't do that,” Dan says. “But if they are, we make another video telling them to knock it off, that they're making us consider having to move, that we'll stop releasing information to them, that a few overly obsessed fans are going to make everybody suffer because of it. I mean, there's not a lot we can do, because we're always going to have those obsessed fans.”

Phil turns and kisses Dan's shoulder. “You were so close-minded back in 2012. I'm scared for you. What if it overwhelms you and you regret it and take it back and you can't take it back?”

“Not going to take it back. It's too important. I'm terrified, but it's too important. It's like I've got this itch under my skin, in my bones, telling me to do it,” Dan says. “I need to, I think.”

“What about Charlie? It's going to bring more attention on him too – everybody's going to be pestering you about him now too, not just me. Can you handle that?”

“You're his biological father – anything I answer, I'll defer to you first to make sure it's okay. I might be his father in the sense that, well, I'm helping you raise him and it just kind of happened that he became mine in that sense, but you're the one who has control over things. I don't want to come out and go blabbing about Charlie all the time, I just want to come out and make it clear _that_ Charlie's pretty much my kid too.”

“Eight months isn't a long time,” Phil says softly. “What happens if we break up?”

Dan rolls to look at Phil. “You have that little faith in us?” He asks, and he sounds honestly a little hurt there.

“No,” Phil answers. “I mean, I think we're – I love you too much to even think about breaking up with you, but what if in a couple of years something goes wrong and we break up?”

“Then we break up, we make it subtly clear that we're not together anymore, but I don't think that's going to happen. Not after all we've been through in our lives together. If I can put up with you for this long, I don't foresee a bad ending.” Dan says. “Even your bad habits, I put up with them because I adore you.”

Phil lets out another long sigh. “I've just got all these worries about what if it goes so wrong, what'll happen to us, our branding, our lives. How will it affect Charlie and me and you?”

Dan nods solemnly, his face rubbing against the pillow. “See, you've got a point there, but what you're missing is what if it all goes right, how we can be more open about us and Charlie and let people into our lives more, show them how happy we are. I've never seen you happier than than since Charlie came into your life, and I've never been happier either.”

Phil's quiet for a long time. He mulls over everything. Dan's quiet too, staring at him, and fidgeting. He can feel Dan playing with the sheets between his fingers and he wants to reach over and catch Dan's hands and tell him it's alright, to stay calm, and finally, after a good five minutes have passed, he speaks again.

“Okay. We come out and bear the brunt of the consequences.” Phil says. “When did you want to?”

“Tomorrow. As soon as possible, before I manage to worry myself into talking myself out of it, because I'm scared for as much as I want to,” Dan says. He stares at Phil, wide-eyed. “I've gotta have you be sure on this, because I don't want _you_ regretting it and it blowing up in my face.”

“It's never going to be ideal, I don't think, but it's not entirely without appeal. I didn't expect it to happen so soon, I figured it would be another year or so down the road, but if it's what you really want and it's that important to you, and your points are all valid, then yeah, we can come out.”

Dan's fingers find Phil's in the dark, and squeeze tight. “Okay,” he says, and his voice shakes a little. “We're doing it. Tomorrow.”

Tomorrow comes and they set up the camera and it seems like the closer they get to actually doing it, the more nervous Dan gets. He knocks over the tripod once and he's got a little speech prepared and he keeps stumbling over his words, pacing the floor, and Phil's watching him with worry in his face.

“Dan,” he says quietly, “You ready?”

They're sitting on Phil's bed, and Dan sits down next to him and Phil reaches to start the camera. Phil's going to speak first, introduce them, tell them all they have something important to say.

“Hey guys, it's Phil and Dan, and we've got an announcement. It's kind of big, and it's kind of going to be a surprise to you,” and he glances over at Dan, who is fidgeting, twisting his fingers up, glancing at Phil and then back at the camera, and then back at Phil.

“And anyways, this is something that's kind of been a long time in the making,” and Dan shifts on the bed, scoots about, crossing his leg and jiggling it, and Phil reaches for the camera, turns it off.

“Dan,” he says. “We're not doing this, you're not ready. Look at you, you're a wreck.”

Dan stops cold, stares at him. “No, we're doing this.” He says. “Just – just give me two minutes.”

Phil watches as Dan shakes out his limbs, takes in long, slow breaths, stares off at a spot on Phil's wall, mouths something to himself. He reaches over and places his hand on Dan's thigh, and the camera can't see that.

“Will this help?” he asks, “If I'm touching you?”

Dan catches Phil's hand, moves it lower, so that he can slide his own hand under Phil's, so it's definitely out of view of the camera. “Yeah,” he says. “I think I'm ready. Let's start over.”

This time, it's Dan who reaches for the camera, stares at it with intent, and Phil glances at Dan once before speaking. “Hey guys, so, it's me and Dan, and we've got an announcement for you. It's a big announcement and it's been a bit of a long time coming, and it's probably going to be a surprise for a lot of you.”

Dan gives a shaky smile and Phil squeezes his hand, and Dan's smile smooths out.

“We've got a couple of announcements. They're not really announcements, per se, just sort of information. No, we're not coming on tour to another country – yet – we're still working on that,” and Phil nudges Dan with his ankle to try and get him to stay on topic.

“As you know, Phil decided to go off and have a kid many moons ago,” Dan says, and his tone is brighter now. “What you haven't known is how big of a part I play in his life. Charlie, to me, is basically my son too.” His smile is beaming now. “You have no idea how lucky I got with Charlie, because even though Phil's his dad, I take care of him just as much and it's like having a kid of my own and some of you know how much I love kids, how I've stated I would be the best father ever.”

He pauses. “I don't know if I'm the best father, because Phil here is pretty good, but Charlie is so special and important to me. From the start, I've been helping take care of Charlie, and it's only grown more and more until me and Phil pretty much share the responsibility equally.”

He pauses. “I don't even know if I should say this, but Charlie calls me da, he seems to think of me as his father too, and you have no idea how much it warms my heart when I hear Charlie say that.”

Phil speaks up now. “Dan has been a blessing to my life. I have no idea how I would have raised a baby without him, and for him to have become such an important part of Charlie's life has been incredible. I get to share so many experiences with Dan.”

“Which brings us to the other part of this video,” and Dan glances over at Phil here, and Phil meets his eyes and smiles faintly.

“Charlie brought me and Phil together to be even closer. Which, I know, most of you didn't think was possible, and hell, I didn't even think it was possible, because we were disgustingly close to begin with.”

Phil glances down at their hands, squeezes, starts to lift it and glances at Dan, asking if he can, and Dan glances down, glances back up and nods. Dan's fingers tremble only slightly in Phil's as Phil brings it within camera view.

Dan speaks then. “About eight months ago, Phil and I kind of figured out that we had feelings for each other. Charlie brought us together to the point that we somehow managed to fall for each other. So, no, to all the phangirls out there, we weren't dating before this, but we are now. Eight months, like I said.”

Phil breaks in. “We're coming out because Dan wants to make it clear how important he is to Charlie and me, and I only think it fair that he gets that recognition because of how much he's done for us.”

“So there you have it, guys. I'm kind of a father, now, too, and I'm also kind of in a relationship with Phil,” Dan says. “If you had told me when I was twenty-three that Phil would have a kid and I'd wind up dating him and raising that kid with him, I would have told you that were you nuts, but in all honesty, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm the happiest in my life that I've ever been.”

“I'd like to chime in and state the same,” Phil adds. “We're both so happy, and we ask that you be respectful about this announcement,” and Dan cuts in with, “Don't freak out too much, I know you will,” and Phil hides a laugh and continues, “and just continue to treat us as Dan and Phil.”

“Thanks for watching, guys, and hopefully we can all be happy about this together.” Dan says. “See you later!” and when he turns off the camera, he looks at Phil with wide eyes.

“Okay, so, it's recorded. Who's channel does it go on?”

Phil mulls it over for a second. “Yours. Because this is about you, the role you play in Charlie's life, you being in a relationship with me.”

Dan looks slightly terrified. “We did it. Oh god, there's going to be backlash.” There's the fear that Phil was expecting.

“We can delete it and never show anybody,” Phil says. “If you want.” But he knows Dan, and he watches as Dan's face resolves itself.

“No, I'm just – worried is all. I'll edit it and put it up today.”

“Want me to leave you alone?” Phil asks. Dan shakes his head no.

“No, actually, I'm kind of hoping you'll stick around and talk to me as I have a freak-out while I'm editing and tell me terrible jokes to distract me.”

“You actually want to hear my terrible jokes?” Phil asks.

“They'll help, trust me,” Dan answers. “Bring Charlie with too, whenever I freak out too much I can talk to Charlie, and he'll calm me down.”

“Okay,” Phil says quietly. He kisses Dan's cheek. “I think you're brave to do this so soon, and I think the backlash won't be as bad as you think, and I think maybe this is the right thing to do, despite my initial reaction.”

Dan looks at him gratefully. “Thanks. I kind of really need your support right now.”

Phil watches as Dan puts together the video, and sure enough, he cracks terrible jokes and watches as half-smiles grace Dan's face when he hesitates in what he's doing, and a couple of times Dan gets up and comes over and asks Charlie how he's doing, tickles his feet, places a kiss to his son's head.

But eventually the video is ready, and Dan's uploading it, and then Dan's pacing the apartment and Phil's watching him as Dan goes in and out of bedrooms and up and down the hall.

As soon as it's uploaded, Phil tells Dan, and they put Charlie away in his crib and both sit there and wait for the reaction. The reaction is, as they could have expected, enormous. There's screaming from the fans, there's gifs of him and Dan holding hands, there's of course a few comments from twats about 'more youtube fags', and Dan flicks off the screen at that.

But for the most part, there's a positive response, and soon they're being inundated with texts from friends about the video and they're busy replying about that, and Louise wants to know what they were even thinking and how proud she is of them for coming out, Tyler is busy pretty much messaging them _I KNEW IT_ in all caps in a DM to Dan, because Tyler's pretty much been one of their biggest phans to start with.

There's tweets from their friends of how proud they are of Dan and Phil, linking the video, and Dan is overwhelmed as much as Phil is, but somehow, there's a strange calm that's settled over them because it's out now, they're not taking it back, and things seem okay.

Eventually, after a few hours have passed, Dan goes and wakes up Charlie from where he's sleeping in his crib and brings him out, gets out the colour flashcards, and Phil and him take turns working with Charlie on colours.

They settle back into their normal routine, as normal as it can be with the hubbub that they've caused, and wait for everything else to settle with them.

 


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello welcome to possibly the schmoopiest of chapters.

It takes about two weeks for the actual freaking out to die down enough that they're able to get on twitter or tumblr without being inundated by it. That's not to say that it's not still massively prevalent but at least it's slowing down.

The one nice thing about it is that now that they're out, they're able to be out in public. When they go shopping, Dan lets his hand casually linger against Phil's for a second too long if they happen to brush. He even goes so far as to hazard a kiss pressed to Phil's cheek once and Phil looks at him in surprise, but says nothing.

They wind up doing another collaboration, some new challenge, not long before Charlie's second birthday, and while they're in the lounge, it's possible to hear the noises of Charlie in the background, babbling to himself as he plays in his crib.

It's kind of cute and Phil doesn't think he'll be able to edit it out post-video, so he makes a reference to his kid talking up a storm in the background and they're continuing with the video when -

“Papa!” and that's the first time that Charlie's actually called Dan “papa”, and Dan looks at Phil in surprise, then instinctively rises up and gets leaves the room. Dan brings Charlie back with him and settles him in the corner of the sofa, where he's out of view of the camera but they can keep an eye on him.

Later on, when Phil's editing the video, he can't bring it in himself to edit out the look of delight on Dan's face, or the way that he instantly rose up to get Charlie, and that stays in there, and when they upload the video, the comments explode on how domestic Dan is with Charlie.

Dan comes in and whumps Phil lightly on the shoulder. “You kept it in,” he says, sounding surprised. “You're letting them into our lives.” He doesn't sound offput, and the half-punch was more playful than anything.

“Well, I wanted them to see how much you care for Charlie too,” Phil responds, and Dan flashes him a beaming smile. “Speaking of Charlie-monster, what's he up to?”

“Gave him a bath, put him to bed, he's sleeping. Wanna go fool around?” Dan asks, not at all slyly.

“Wow, you've given up all pretence at romance, haven't you. Wanna go fool around. That's a step below saying 'D'you wanna fuck?'.”

Dan looks at Phil. “D'you wanna fuck?” He asks, and Phil kicks at him.

“You're incorrigible. Just for that, no, I do not want to go fool around, I want to lie here like a sloth and watch you be disappointed.”

Dan kisses Phil then, soft and slow and sweet, and lets his hands graze down over Phil's nipples, and he's so sure of himself and cocky that Phil tries to keep his resolve.

Ten minutes later, he's stumbling his way to the bedroom and muttering something about impudent boyfriends.

 

 

Charlie's second birthday comes and Phil decides to hold it at a play centre where Charlie can run around like the small maniac he's turning into.

They book it a month ahead of time and invite the major friend units, that being PJ, Chris, Louise, and Zoe, because it's been a long time since they've seen Zoe and she's messaged them about wanting to come see Charlie.

Plus both of their parents are coming, and they're a little nervous again because the first time Dan's parents came and saw Charlie, they didn't realise what a role he played in Charlie's life. This time, they know he's dating Phil and it's a whole new level of involvement that he's worried about, that they haven't really seen.

They were subdued around Christmas, not wanting to overwhelm the Howell family with their kissing and snuggling, but now that they're publicly out, Dan's not so much against that.

Phil's not against it either. If anything, he would have expected Dan to be the more resistant of them when it came to those things but Dan seems proud to show off Phil and somehow, the swell of warmth it brings Phil when Dan does that makes it impossible to say no.

When they get to the play centre, Charlie looks around in excitement at all the areas he can go in, the play pens filled with balls, the corner filled with blocks and toys, even a miniature jungle gym.

There's tons of kids there too, and Phil wonders sometimes if Charlie doesn't get enough social interaction – he doesn't really know anybody with a kid besides Louise and Darcy isn't exactly the right age for socialising with Charlie, so it's going to be up in the air to see how Charlie responds to kids his own age.

So they let him go and he toddles off eagerly towards the toys, where there's a group of two boys and a girl sitting there already playing, and he grabs a few blocks and starts stacking them.

Phil watches him, but does not follow, wanting to leave Charlie on his own for this experiment, and next to him, Dan looks as nervous as he is.

Zoe laughs softly and comments on what doting parents they are, and Dan smiles back, though his smile is tinged with trepidation, does not meet his eyes, and his gaze never leaves Charlie.

PJ and Chris are still in the disgustingly cute stage of hooking up, and Chris is flirting with PJ every chance he gets and Phil can't help but laugh at them, because PJ is obviously flustered by Chris being so obvious in public.

Meanwhile, Phil's mum and dad are making their way over to a table and sitting down, and Martyn and Cornelia are ordering food for themselves.

Dan leans over and kisses Phil, hazards a glance at his own family, and Phil watches as Dan carefully meanders over to them. “So what do you think?” He asks. Phil thinks he knows that what Dan means by that is not “What do you think of the party,” but “What do you think of me and Phil raising a baby together and being in a relationship,” and even though he doesn't turn to look at them, he listens with an attentive ear.

“I think you've never looked happier,” Dan's father says, and Phil glows, he thinks. When Dan's mum assents as much a minute later, Phil risks breaking his glance from Charlie and going over to where Dan is and taking his hand, kissing him back.

“See, if they're going to kiss in public, why can't we?” Chris whines a second later and Phil bites back a laugh, looks at PJ, who gives Phil a despairing look.

“Just let him, you know he'll wear you down eventually,” Phil calls to PJ. “He's more annoying than Dan, and that's saying something.”

“Hey!” Dan says, “Bully!” and he swats at Phil's arm until Phil presses another kiss to Dan's cheek.

“Not that I don't adore you. But you can get very annoying.”

“You're annoying too, you have your obsession with _house plants_ ,” Dan declares, putting emphasis on the final word. “How many times have I pierced various body parts on your cacti?”

“I've pierced them too,” Phil returns, as if that somehow makes it better, and Dan continues before Phil can speak.

“And your weird obsession with minor holidays, you get excited for Saint Patrick's Day of all things, what is with that?”

But Dan's slipping his arms around Phil's waist and kissing his cheek again, grinning as he speaks. “You're a nutter and I absolutely despise you.” He whispers into Phil's ear.

“Love you too,” Phil says off-handedly, enjoying the feel of Dan's body curled up around his.

Then a second later, he tugs free. “Shit, Charlie, nobody's been paying attention to Charlie, is he okay?”

Dan releases him and Phil takes a nervous step towards where Charlie last was, and Charlie's still playing with blocks. He watches as one of the boys reaches for one of the blocks that Charlie's using and takes it, and immediately Charlie's face screws up and he lets out a thin cry.

Phil's already on his way over, crossing the short distance, and kneeling next to his son. “No, no, it's okay, that's called sharing, he should have asked you first but I don't know if he can talk anyways,” he doesn't know what to say or if he's being a good father, but he's doing his best. “But we share, Charlie, we let others use our things, if it makes them happy and they're respectful about it.”

Charlie whines and reaches for the block, grabbing at it when the other boy puts it down, and plunking it back down in front of himself, which only serves to confuse and slightly upset the other boy himself, although he doesn't start to cry, just looks put out.

Clearly this kid has had more social action than Charlie.

Phil puts the block in Charlie's hand and makes him reach over to offer it to the other boy. “See, sharing? We share toys. That way everybody gets to enjoy them.”

When the other boy takes it, Charlie starts to cry again, but Dan's made his way over by now and Phil just simply says, “Do the tummy thing,” and sure enough, it works, when Dan drops down next to Charlie and blows a tummy fart on his stomach and rubs his arms and legs, Charlie stops crying and starts giggling.

“Thank you for being in this with me,” Phil says softly, and Dan smiles at him.

“Any time,” Dan says. “So, um, did we want to see if maybe he likes the ball pit? There's a sign that says it's ages three and up but I figure if we go in there with him, maybe it'll be okay, and I mean, the staff here doesn't seem overly concerned.”

Phil glances around and sees that Dan's right, the staff is minimal, a teenage girl blowing a bubble of gum at the front desk, another early twenties man walking around sort of checking things out.

“We can always give it a shot.” He answers. So they take Charlie into the ball pit and he squeals when he feels all the plastic balls giving way beneath his feet and he stumbles around, grabbing on to them and chucking them.

It's a hit, that's for sure, and a minute later, Chris is pulling PJ into the ball pit with him, saying, “C'mon, it'll be fun, you like Charlie, we can play catch with him or something.”

Then, when PJ's going to answer, Chris sneaks a kiss and PJ sighs heavily. “You make my life a living hell, you know that, Chris?” He asks.

“Yet somehow you put up with me,” Chris says, his northern accent heavy and warm as he even goes so far as to catch PJ's hand for a second and squeeze.

“Louise, who's grosser, me and Phil or PJ and Chris,” Dan calls and Louise just giggles with Zoe, where they're stood talking together.

Charlie is too young to really get the concept of catch, but he's not too young to enjoy the concept of throwing things and so Dan gently tosses a ball at Charlie, whereupon it bounces off his chest, but Charlie picks up a ball and throws it back at Dan, and Dan catches it, pretends to juggle it for a few seconds, and tosses it back.

So starts a game where they all take turns throwing the little plastic balls at Charlie, and he in turn picks one of them to throw them at, although sometimes he just kind of chucks the ball in a general direction, not at any of them, but he's having fun.

Phil makes Charlie sort of 'swim' through the balls, swooshing him forward, letting the plastic balls part before him and he kicks and shrieks with laughter.

After a fair bit of time in the ball pit, they order lunch, and Phil sits Charlie on his lap while he eats a slice of pizza and Charlie gets chicken fingers and chips, which he chews on messily, getting crumbs all over his shirt.

“Messy eater,” Phil chides him, brushing the crumbs on the floor, and his mum gives him a look, to which he blushes. “Well, it'll get vacuumed anyways,” he declares in defence.

Zoe wants to play with Charlie and so Phil hands Charlie over to her while he finishes a second slice of pizza and then gathers up everybody's plates who is finished eating and throws them out.

“Zoe, why don't you take Charlie over to that little jungle gym and play with him there,” Phil suggests. “He likes slides and it looks like there's a bouncy castle he can go in.”

So she does, and Louise accompanies her, and Dan and Phil watch as Zoe giggles at Charlie's delight over the bouncy castle, over the way it makes him fall and wobble about.

Phil's mum comes and sits next to them then. “You two are doing a good job raising Charlie,” she says softly. “I was concerned when Phil first brought home Charlie but look at the two of you, you two are doing so well.”

Dan basks under her words and Phil feels a glow of pride himself. “We are, aren't we,” he says. “So far there's been no major incidents. I mean, he's had a cold a couple of times but that's it.”

Dan leans his weight against Phil. “You're the better of the two of us though.”

“Well, I have to be, don't I, I'm his biological father.” Phil says, and he feels a twinge of sadness there, and he looks at Dan, and can read that there's a faint sadness in Dan's eyes too.

“You'll be his father too one day,” Phil whispers very quietly in his ear. “We'll get there.”

They open Charlie's gifts, more movies and books and toys, and the party goes on for about another hour before Zoe has to leave, and then Dan's parents, and Phil decides to wrap things up then, since people are starting to head out, so he lets Charlie have a few more minutes in the ball pit that he loved so much before making Charlie say goodbye to everybody.

 

Two months later, Dan goes out for the day, he goes shopping for something, but he won't tell Phil what it is, and when he gets home, he scurries to put it away before Phil has a chance to see.

Phil even tries to search Dan's room discreetly but he finds nothing.

Two months after that, and he's been thinking about what they very briefly discussed at the party, of Phil being Charlie's biological parent and isn't it time, maybe for Dan to adopt Charlie?

After all, he's Charlie's father too, and it's only fair that he have the same rights. He doesn't want to see what happened at the hospital that one time, when Dan had been denied the right to come with to see if Charlie is okay.

So he makes his way into the lounge where Dan's sitting and sits next to him, reaches over and pauses the game that Dan is playing.

“Oi!” Dan says and Phil stops him with a hand held up.

“This is serious. I need to talk to you.” His expression is terrified because even though he and Dan have sort of talked about it before in the most vague of terms, he's not sure how to bring this up.

“Okay, the thing is,” he starts, “You're a big part of Charlie's life. We both know this. And there's things that I want you to be able to share with him. I want you to be able to have all the same rights as me and we both know that the only way we're going to get that is if you actually adopt him.”

Dan nods solemnly. “Yeah, I know,” he says.

“Okay, so.” Phil bites his lip. “Did you want to get started on that process? I don't know how long it'll take to actually have you adopt Charlie, what the paperwork involves, and I'm sure there'll be lawyers and I've heard horror stories of having to prove that you're good enough but I want you to be Charlie's dad, so do you want to start the process of adopting Charlie?”

He's fully prepared to sweep Dan into his arms into a hug when Dan says yes and he's actually already halfway leaning forward when he hears Dan say, “No.”

Phil rocks back, floored, and stares at Dan. “No?”

Dan twists his fingers up within themselves. “Not yet, no. I've got … reasons.”

“Dan, come on, you're Charlie's dad. Why wouldn't you want to adopt him?” Phil asks, confused as can be.

Dan bites his lip. “I just – there's something else I need to do first. Adopting can wait.”

“What, what are you talking about? There's nothing else we need to do. You're his dad, you deserve to have parental rights.” Phil argues back.

Dan looks at Phil. “No, there's something else, but I don't think you're ready for it yet.”

“What is it, come on, you can tell me anything. I mean, for all we've been through, how can you tell me you don't think I'm ready for whatever it is you want?” Phil's frustrated a little, because Dan's being ambiguous, and he was totally prepared for the excitement of Dan adopting Charlie, and now that's being pushed away in a rush of confusion.

Dan rucks his fingers up through his hair. “Phil,” he starts. His face screws up in nervousness and he squinches his eyes shut for a second before staring at Phil. “I wanna marry you first. I wanna be married to you before I adopt Charlie.”

Phil is even more stunned. He's left speechless. Dan gets up and leaves the room and Phil isn't sure if he should go after him, and he hears Dan in his bedroom, rummaging around, and Phil sits there, thinking about what Dan just said when Dan returns.

And then Dan's kneeling. He's kneeling down on one knee and he's got a little black box and suddenly Phil knows exactly what Dan went shopping for two months ago, and Dan's opening it, and there's a silver band.

“Phil, you make me happy beyond belief. I know we've only been dating for something like a year and two months, but we've been a team for so long, and you're the best thing in my life. You're sometimes stubborn and ridiculous and completely impractical, and you never fail to surprise me or make me smile when I least expect it, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and then I want to adopt your baby, once we're married. So will you please marry me?”

Phil gapes at Dan, looking at the ring, looking at Dan. “Holy shit,” he mumbles. “Holy fucking shit,” because this is a surprise, this is out of nowhere, and Dan's staring at him with wide eyes, looking just this side of terrified.

“Phil,” Dan whispers again. “Marry me?”

There's nothing that Phil can say besides, “God, yes,” and there's a fumble as Dan almost drops the box in surprise, then another fumble as Dan pulls the ring out of the box and slides it onto Phil's finger.

Dan's hands are shaking just slightly and Phil sees that Dan's eyes have gone damp with tears and he catches Dan's face, kisses the corners of Dan's eyes, kisses at the tears.

“Don't cry, bear, of course I'll marry you,” Phil tells him, and Dan swipes at his eyes.

“I'm just really freaking happy, okay, I've been thinking about how I wanted to do this and this is not how I wanted to do this but who cares,” and Phil's laughing at Dan there a little.

He preens a little, looking at the ring on his finger, feeling the sudden link between him and Dan, that they're engaged, that they're really in this now, and Dan's kissing him right there on the floor, kissing him starting from his mouth and then to his jaw, down his neck.

Dan's undressing him and it's undignified to be having sex on the lounge floor, but Dan's intent on kissing every inch of Phil, it seems, laying kisses down his ribs and over his stomach, down his thighs and calves, and coming back up, whispering “love you, love you” over and over, and Phil strokes Dan's hair, feels his own welling of tears in his eyes when it hits him again very suddenly, that yes, he's engaged to Dan, to this boy who makes him so happy, and he catches Dan on his way back up Phil's body.

“Come on, let's take this to the bedroom,” Phil murmurs. “I wanna just lie in bed and cuddle you and kiss you for the next hour or so,” and Dan hums assent to that.

“I just – I still can't believe I got this lucky,” Dan says quietly, as he follows Phil, and he catches Phil's hand to look at the ring, rubs his finger over it. “With you, with Charlie, with everything. I'm so lucky,” and Phil can agree to that.

Then there's the bed, there's cuddles to be had, soft words of affection to be shared, and that's all that matters.

 


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note - the next few chapters are going to be mostly wedding planning, so I'm sorry if that's extremely boring to you.

The next day, when Phil wakes up, the first thing he does is feel the silver metal band on his finger and smile, lean over to kiss Dan awake. “Morning,” he murmurs into Dan's mouth.

“Morning,” Dan answers. “Breath. Get off me,” he shoots back and Phil giggles an apology and goes to brush his teeth while Dan starts coffee.

They take a couple of days to themselves to really get into the fact that they're engaged before they start planning. First things first, Dan says, “No church. We're not religious, I don't want to get married in a church. We'll find another venue.”

“Okay,” Phil says agreeably. He's been thinking of places he would like to get married at, even did some googling of places in London, and he thinks he knows just a spot where Dan would like it. “What about Wilton's Music Hall?”

Dan blinks at him. “Um. That's definitely an option to start with.”

Phil says quietly, “I was hoping there was a planetarium or something, for some reason I've always thought it would be cool to get married there but there's not.”

Dan smiles. “What, getting married under the stars? They're not real, you know, just projections.”

“Well, obviously, but still, it would have been pretty.” Phil protests. They're playing a video game, half-heartedly discussing this, and he leans his weight into Dan's shoulder, kisses his cheek.

“Such a romantic, Philly,” and Phil grumbles at him.

“You're a big sopping romantic too, don't even try to hide it. You're the one who proposed in the first place, you're the one who said you weren't doing it right and I know you, your doing it right would probably have had candles and music playing,” Phil argues back.

“Shut up,” Dan says, laughing. “So maybe it would have. You don't know it for a fact.”

“I do, I do know it for a fact, because I know you better than I know myself,” Phil teases him, kissing Dan some more, sloppily, on the cheek and neck and shoulder, and Dan's laughing harder and squirming underneath him, kicking a leg out at Phil.

“Get off me, you oaf,” he slaps at Phil. “I would have done none of that, I would have just thrown the ring at you.”

“As if I would have said yes to that kind of proposal.” Phil snickers, letting Dan up. Dan rearranges himself on the couch, faking a huff, smoothing down his ruffled hair.

“Rude. You're so rude.”

Phil kisses Dan's cheek again. “You couldn't live without me.”

Charlie, who up until then had been playing with his toys, comes over to Phil and tugs at his lap. “Play with me?” He asks, lightly bumping one of his toys against Phil's leg.

Dan gets up. “I'm going to research that music hall, you play with our kid.” So that's how Phil spends most of the rest of the afternoon and when Dan emerges from his bedroom, he says, “The music hall looks like a great place. I can see why you picked it.”

“So that's our first pick?” Phil asks.

“Yeah, there's a couple other places I was looking at, but I think the music hall is where I'd want to get married for sure if we can book it. When are we thinking of actually doing this?”

“God, I want to be married to you as soon as possible, partially so you can adopt Charlie and partially just because it feels like we've been leading up to this point forever now that I look back on us.” Phil comments.

Dan smiles faintly at him. “Our history is quite tinged. So, what, think we can get it done in like, eight months? I know it's a lot of preparations but Charlie would just be three, he could be the ringbearer.”

“Oof, eight months.” Phil says, looking at Dan. “You're crazy. Eight months is no time at all for wedding preparations, I've heard it takes like twice that.”

“I'm crazy and you love me. So what do you say, let's set ourselves a challenge. Eight months, right after Charlie's third birthday. It'll be a spring wedding.”

“When do we tell people?” They haven't told anybody yet. Not even their parents.

“Well, preferably before the save the date things go out,” Dan comments dryly. Phil rolls his eyes.

“Well, we can tell our closest friends and family now, if you want. I don't mind.”

“When do we tell other people like – our fans?” Phil asks. Dan shrugs.

“Dunno. I mean, I guess it's kind of up to you too. You're half of this relationship.”

“I don't …” Phil chooses his words carefully here because Dan is the one that pushed them to come out in the first place. “I don't think I mind them knowing. And you were the one who wanted to come out in the first place.”

Dan pauses. He mulls it over for a second. “I guess. I mean, I've come a long way since the start of this. I think I appreciate things more for when they happen, and this happening is one of the best things to ever happen.”

“What if I just – um. I don't know, told them sooner rather than later?” Phil asks. “If we're trying to get this planned in eight months, we don't need the stress of figuring out when to tell the fans laying on our heads for that time.”

Dan chews his lip, looking pensive. “I suppose.”

It's not an easy conversation to have. It gets dropped to the wayside.

Dan calls his parents first and tells them the good news and mouths to Phil as he holds the phone, “My mum's crying so hard she can't talk,” and Phil smiles, picks up his own phone.

He dials his mum's cell phone because he wants her to know and “Mum, hey,” he says when she picks up the phone. He glances down at his finger, rubs the silver ring on it with his pinky. “I've got some interesting news for you.”

“How's that now?” She asks.

He figures not to beat around the bush. “Dan asked me to marry him and I said yes,” and he hears her gasp, call for his father, and Phil's fingers tighten around the phone as he thinks that yes, he is engaged, and it surges through him again like a rush of warmth.

“He asked you to marry him?” She repeats, once his father is there.

“Yeah, I asked him if he wanted to adopt Charlie and he said no, there was something we needed to do first, and I was really confused, and he told me he wanted to marry me, he went and got a ring that he'd bought and got down on one knee and everything, and asked me if I'd marry him.”

“And you said yes, I expect?” She asks.

“I said yes.” Phil confirms. “We're trying to get the wedding planned for a little after Charlie's three year birthday. So, um, I'm probably going to need a lot of help because I've never planned a wedding before.”

“What do you have planned so far?” She asks.

“We're thinking of renting out the Wilton Music Hall, that's as much as we've got figured out. I'm going to mention guest lists later on tonight to Dan. We haven't even told anybody else yet, we figured you should be the first.”

“I would hope so, we are your parents.”

They talk for a little bit longer about plans and his mum gives him all the advice she can before Phil has to go feed Charlie dinner, as Dan's still on the phone with his parents.

He hangs up, feeling more overwhelmed than he was to start with all the information she gave him on wedding planning.

He also googles, later on, “Wedding preparations list” and finds a checklist that as he scrolls down it, overwhelms him even more. Eight months. They're idiots.

 

Three days later, Phil films another video, but he doesn't take his ring off. He doesn't want to, and he decides if anybody asks about it, he'll just claim its a bit of jewelry he liked.

The internet, of course, explodes about it and there are tweets at him asking him if he's engaged, what he's doing wearing a fancy ring like that, people who are pretty sure they're going to cry if he's engaged, and Phil answers none of it.

He's expecting Dan to be a bit annoyed at him, if anything, but then he catches Dan's latest tweet. _so is wilton's music hall a decent wedding venue in london do you think_?

Phil stares, gobsmacked at his computer. “So that's really how you're going to announce it?” He yells over his shoulder at Dan in the other room. Dan comes out and gives him a shrug.

“You're the one wearing the ring. I'm just asking a simple question.” But there's a gleam in Dan's eye. “It's kind of exciting to not have to be totally reserved about this.” He adds.

Phil sighs, retweets what Dan said with _Where can one find good catering for a wedding?_ and waits.

He may refresh twitter a bit too much that night, and call Dan over, and the two of them sort of grin at the way that their fangirls are reacting, which is pretty much incoherent screaming.

That's as much as they're going to come out, anyways, for a while, and he thinks it's arguably enough for anyone with half a brain.

They then proceed to get inundated by dozens of messages from their actual friends asking what the hell they're thinking by either teasing their fans like that or announcing it like that in the first place and they are forced to reassure them that their families knew about it before hand, that they just kind of decided to go with it that way.

Louise calls them up, a weepy mess, asking if she can help them plan, and Phil tells her a grateful 'yes, oh god yes,' because she has been married before and can help them.

“Do we want a planner?” Dan asks as Phil hangs up the phone with Louise. He's looking at the checklist that Phil has opened on his computer, bookmarked.

“I dunno, do we? I mean, most of this stuff, I think we can do by ourselves. It'll be stressful as hell but we can do it.” Phil says.

“Yeah. Speaking of stressful, I think it's time we called the music hall and make sure we can get our ceremony there in time.”

“You take care of that,” Phil says. “I'll get started on the guest list. Your family – extended as well, I assume, and mine, plus some of our friends? I don't want this to be a huge wedding.”

“Yeah, no, I was thinking the same thing. Like, obviously PJ and Louise and Chris and maybe Wirrow and Bryony. Maybe a few friends from the BBC?”

“You know Tyler will pitch a fit if he isn't invited, and he'll find a way to get over here for the wedding,” Phil comments. “So Tyler,” and Dan chuckles at that.

“Tyler can come too, and should we invite Cat?”

“Obviously.” Phil answers. “So that's our starting list, we'll see who else we should invite? I'll go write everybody down – you'll have to remind me of some of the names of your extended family because I'm not sure I'll remember them all.”

“Okay, and I'll go call the music hall right now.” Dan says.

An hour later, and Phil's got the preliminary guest list written up on his computer in a little word file and Dan comes into his room. “Well, they've got an opening on April 29th, if that's alright with you. Their next wouldn't be until June.” He's still on the phone, covering the mouthpiece.

Phil nods, because he definitely doesn't want to wait until June, and Dan goes back to talking to whoever he's talking to. “No, the ceremony and reception would both be there.”

Phil watches as Dan wanders out of the room and goes back to looking at the checklist. Next up is actually hiring someone to officiate the wedding. He texts Louise, _Hey, who did you have officiate your wedding? We have to hire someone and I have no idea how to go about doing that._

So Louise calls him a minute later and starts giving him advice. Phil opens up another word file, saves it as “wedding planning stuff.doc” and starts typing up everything she says.

“I'm assuming you and Dan are going for a more modern style wedding? You'll want someone who's going to be willing to avoid all the religious stuff?”

“Yeah, probably for the best,” Phil agrees.

“Okay, well, you'll need to find someone who's willing to do that. Get in touch with them and meet them and find out if you like them – if you don't actually like who's going to marry you, why would you hire them in the first place? You might want to hire a photographer first, actually, I'm googling and apparently photographers get to know which officiants are good since they go to so many weddings themselves.”

“Yeah, okay,” and Phil types that down.

“So tell me about it, you haven't actually told me about how he proposed,” Louise interrupts herself. So Phil recounts the story, and he has a feeling he'll be telling it a lot over the next few weeks, so he tries to make it sound as romantic as possible, which isn't that hard, because to be honest, it was unexpected but pretty romantic.

“Dan's lucky to be marrying someone like you, Phil,” Louise says. “And you're lucky to be marrying someone like him,” and Phil knows that much.

“He's on the phone with Wilton Music Hall, trying to get us booked to get married there. That was basically the first thing we planned and we both kind of agreed on it right away.”

“You two are really in sync – planning a wedding in eight months is going to be a hassle but I think that you two are going to at least be relatively in sync enough that it won't be as bad as you think.” Louise comments.

“God, I hope so. There's so much to do, this list I'm looking at has stuff that we should have started eight months ago. Like, I'm almost glad that we don't have regular nine to five jobs and can set our own schedules pretty much because I have a feeling a lot of our time is going to be spent planning this wedding.”

“Oh, trust me, you two are going to be busy. But I'll help you all I can, I promise. Maybe we can set up a time next week for you two to come by and have dinner and tell me what you've got figured out and I'll help you out that way?”

“Sure, I'll run it by Dan, but I'm sure he'd be glad to see you.” Phil says. “We don't see you enough anymore. Um, just so you know, it looks like our wedding date is April 29th, if you want to set that on your calendar.”

“Yeah, alright, sounds good.” Louise says, and she hums to herself as she scribbles down a note to herself – Phil can hear paper rustling in the background. “Okay, got any more questions?”

“Yeah, sure, know any photographers?” Phil asks jokingly, and Louise chuckles.

“You go and do your research and we'll figure things out at the dinner next week – we can figure out when that'll be another time. I'm sure you've got a lot on your plate.”

“Yeah, alright, I'll talk to you later, Louise. Bye,” and he disconnects, sighs. Okay, finding a photographer because he has no idea how to go about finding an officiant.

“Wedding photographers in London,” he types into google and stares at the results. This suddenly seems like too much, like they've gotten themselves in over their heads.

Dan comes in the room a few minutes later. “Okay, so, music hall booked. Phil?”

Phil is staring at a list of photographers, filled with a paragraph explaining each one's past and style, and he's a little frustrated. “Do you really think we can pull this off in eight months?”

Dan sighs. “Well, we kind of have to, I guess. What's wrong?”

“Just – it's a lot of work. Look at all we have to do,” and Phil tabs back over to the wedding planning and scrolls down the list, motioning at it wordlessly.

“I know, I know, and we'll get it done, I bet a lot of it is minor details and it just looks like more than it is.” Dan comments.

“No, it's not, it's all big stuff,” Phil complains. “What if we don't get it done in time?”

“We can make sacrifices, it doesn't have to be grandiose, this is going to be a small wedding. There's stuff I'm sure we can discard, like, look, see, the wedding dress. You don't have to go try on a wedding dress,” and here Dan's trying to make him smile, and Phil offers a weak one in return. “I'm sure getting suits is going to be a hell of a lot easier than finding a dress.”

“Just – come look at these photographers, there's a list of like fifteen right here, I don't know which one to pick like, I like the sound of him,” and Phil taps at a Mike Sheerin, “because it says his photos are all really intimate and he gets to know his clients and none of his photos are ever really staged, and I don't want to have staged photos, but then look at this photo,” and he taps the next one down, by a woman named Charity Belleville, who has a dreamy looking photograph set during a sunset and that would be pretty, wouldn't it, and her description states that she goes for a modern style of candid photos as well and that's something he'd like.

“Well, we can call both of them and see if we can set up meetings with them. We'll call as many photographers as you want and meet with them if they've got time and see what we think.”

Phil sighs and turns and presses a kiss to Dan's chest. “You're going to have to be the rational headed of us, I have a feeling I'm going to become an internal mess because I want this wedding perfect for you.”

Phil can hear the smile in Dan's voice when he says, “Phil,” and he runs his fingers through the back of Phil's hair. “Come on, let's take an hour break and play with Charlie and let you clear your head and then you can get back to calling photographers and figuring out everything you think you need to get figured out immediately when really it's gonna take some time and we both know it.”

“See what I mean?” Phil says, even as he lets Dan lead him away from his computer, “Rational headed.”

“I'll be as rational headed as I can be if you start to melt down. But I'm sure I'm gonna have my own freakouts. I just haven't gotten there yet.” Dan says. “Now, come on, let's go see if Charlie wants to play.”

With a last glance at his computer, Phil says, “I think I got most of your extended family, you'll have to look at the list and let me know who I forgot, by the way. Louise wants to have dinner with us sometime next week and she said she'll help us out as much as possible.”

“See, plus we've got Louise on our side, she's done this before, she'll help us just like she promised. You don't need to freak out, Phil.” Dan tells him gently.

So Phil gets out a small ball and a puzzle that he bought Charlie not too long ago, a little twelve piece puzzle, and he sits with Charlie and Dan and for a little while they play an uncoordinated game of catch until Charlie starts to get bored of that, and so Phil breaks up the puzzle into its pieces and spreads them out.

Charlie's a smart baby and by this point is starting to figure out how to put together a puzzle, and with quiet encouragement from Phil and Dan and the occasional helpful placement of a puzzle piece when Charlie can't get it, over the next twenty minutes they put together a puzzle picture of zoo animals.

It does relax Phil, to spend time with Charlie and get his mind off the wedding planning that suddenly had seemed so overwhelming, and he kisses Dan gently. “Thanks,” he says, “for knowing how to calm me down.”

“No problem. Feeling a bit more grounded?” Dan asks. Phil nods. “So, how about we each pick two photographers from that list that we like and call them. We can start there.”

“Okay,” Phil agrees. “Charlie, wanna go in your crib for a little while while your daddies make some phone calls?”

“Nah-uh,” Charlie informs him. Phil makes a pouty face at his son, which Charlie repeats back at him, and Phil can't hold back his smile a second later.

“Okay, fine, but you have to be quiet while I'm on the phone, okay?”

“Okay.” Phil doesn't know if Charlie actually will be quiet, but he takes that assent as Charlie listening to him.

So he picks out the first two that he liked and lets Dan scroll down the list and find two photographers he likes, and they write down their numbers and names and Phil calls, gets the voicemail of the first, leaves a message explaining who he is and what he's looking for, gets ahold of the second, has a quick ten minute conversation about the same thing, the time frame, what he's looking for in a photographer, and they set up a meeting for a few days from then.

Phil tabs back over to the wedding planning. Now all they need is the caterer, florist, and band, apparently. He sighs, starts googling for information on that.

He just wants this to be perfect for Dan.

 


	33. Chapter 33

They meet up with Charity a few days later, and she's incredibly sweet, with long red hair pulled up in a high ponytail, and she, it turns out, is a fan of theirs. Phil thinks it might be awkward, having a fan of theirs talking about wedding planning, but she promises discreetness is her middle name, telling them that they wouldn't want anybody else to spoil their day, so why would she?

She pulls out her portfolio of photographs and they're gorgeous, exactly the kind of thing that Phil would want, a few shots that are posed, but the majority of them taken candidly, catching a moment of happiness shared between two people, a laugh at something, two people resting their heads on each other's shoulders during a dance.

Her prices aren't bad either, and after they leave the meeting, Phil tells Dan that he's definitely interested in her, but he wants to meet up with Mike and Dan's two choices, too.

Mike, it turns out, is busy on that date and so he's out of the running, but Dan's two picks both meet up with them a few days after that, one on a Saturday, one on a Sunday, and while both of them are perfectly nice, their photos are too framed, too staged, and Phil can tell by a glance at Dan's face as he peruses them that it's not what he wants.

They want someone who will capture their moment without catching their attention. So, on the cab ride home, Phil takes Dan's hand and squeezes it. “So, did you want to call Charity and ask her if she wants the job?”

“Yeah, she's the best of the three that we've seen and we can always ask her about if she knows any officiants, like Lou suggested.” Dan says.

Charity, for her young age, does know a few officiants, and she gives Phil and Dan their numbers and thanks them profusely for a chance to shoot their wedding, telling them she'll do them justice and make it a dream come true.

So Dan and Phil call the officiants and talk to them, find one who is happy to marry them at the music hall, and agree to meet up with him as well just to get to know him a little before hand.

There's so much meeting involved, and Phil feels dizzy with it. They've got to figure out things like the flower girl – they're thinking Darcy is old enough for it, and Phil's already decided Charlie will be the ring-bearer (so long as he doesn't swallow them or something), and Louise can give Dan away. PJ will be Phil's best man – they called him and he agreed instantly.

They're currently on the look for catering, florists, and bands. Phil sits there, clicking through link after link and bookmarking some, calling Dan in to the room to check things out, and Dan calls him from the lounge and Phil gets up, goes to where Dan's looking at something, sits down next to him and they talk.

Phil stuffs his face into Dan's shoulder. “This is ridiculous, weddings are ridiculous, why do they require so much planning?” He asks, but when he looks at Dan's face, at Dan's expression, he pushes down all that frustration, because Dan's wedding should be perfect, he thinks, and he'll just have to suck up his frustration and deal with it.

Then, he kisses Dan and pushes the laptop away for an impromptu makeout session, a tension reliever. Dan's muffled laugh as Phil pulls Dan in close and loops an arm under him is relief enough, and Phil nuzzles his way against Dan's throat, kisses there, mumbles, “love you,” hears Dan say it back.

He has a feeling there's going to be a lot of these impromptu kissing sessions to distract him from his stress.

They meet with Louise for dinner, and she cooks them chicken parmesan and pasta, serves them red wine with it, and they pick her brain for details about wedding planning.

She informs them that they're in a rush, yes, but not to get overwhelmed, not to lose sense of why they're doing this in the first place, and Phil looks over at Dan, at his handsomeness, and thinks to himself how very much he cares about Dan, how very worth all of this it is, and Louise must catch it, because when he turns back to her, she's got a small smile on her face and a sappy expression starting to form.

“The best part is the catering, you get to test all the food, and it's usually amazing food, and seriously, I know you two, you two love food.” Louise says. “I mean, you don't usually eat the full course, but you get to try a whole bunch of different foods for your menu.”

Dan brightens up at that. “Phil, let's get started on calling caterers,” he says cheekily, and Phil laughs.

“Tonight, though, I think we should just relax and have a night in to ourselves. I'm sure you've been stressed out enough and I've given you plenty more to think about, right?”

She really has, bringing up whether they want to get hotel rooms for their parents and family who are coming from far away, their save the date cards need to be made, reminding them that they'll need to get started on wedding invitations just as soon as they do save the date cards, that they need to register for gifts at various stores, asking about whether or not they're going to have bachelor parties for themselves.

That's not to mention all the stuff that's coming up that Phil knows about, cake ordering, double-checking and finalising all the catering and florists and the band, having to make wedding favours, some kind of little treat for everybody at the wedding, purchasing the actual rings, remeeting with Charity closer to the event at the actual music hall so she can plan out certain shots, do seating arrangements, writing their vows, and planning the honeymoon.

He's planning on surprising Dan with the honeymoon – he's going to pretend like he wants to wait but no, he has plans for the honeymoon. That's the one thing that sprang to his mind immediately and he knew instantly what he wanted to do.

They spend the evening with Louise playing board games, spending time with Darcy, and when they go home later that night, slightly tipsy off red wine, they're feeling both much more confident in what they're doing and much more overwhelmed.

Dan settles Phil with more kisses, rolling on top of him in bed and propping himself up on his elbows, nuzzling Phil until Phil grabs at him and grinds his weight up, and only then does Dan slink down under the covers with a smirk, snagging Phil's boxers as he goes.

Later on, when Phil's regained his brain and Dan's wiping off his mouth, he asks if Dan wants him to repay the favour and Dan shakes his head, tells Phil that was for him.

 

They do get started next by calling caterers, and set up a time for them to come in and do taste-tests of theoretical menus for their wedding, and they meet up with them next.

“So, we've got three soups that you can try,” their waiter says. “Italian wedding, baked potato soup, and creamy chicken and rice,” and Phil's perking up at that because any soup that has “wedding” in it's name for a wedding must be a good soup.

It turns out, all three of them are good soups and he can't pick, and based on Dan's decadent expression as he sips between all three soups, neither can he.

“Ummm,” Phil says, “Dan, do you like the creamy chicken or Italian wedding better?”

Dan takes another spoonful of each and stares at Phil with an expression of “I don't know, but I don't want to to stop eating this” and Phil smirks at him. “Pick one,” Phil says plaintively because he's stuck between those two himself.

Dan finally puts down his spoon and mulls it over, licking his lips. “Creamy chicken and rice,” he finally declares. “I prefer that one, I think. Just by a little.”

“Wonderful,” their waiter says. “Next comes the main course. Chicken kiev, salmon, or beef bourguingnon,” and Dan looks like he's in absolute heaven.

They wind up deciding guests will have a choice of chicken kiev or salmon because not everybody likes salmon, and then comes the desserts.

There's cheesecake versus chocolate cake and even though they don't really _need_ the entire thing to decide on the chocolate cake, they may go ahead and eat most of it anyways.

This is only one of four catering places that they're testing, too, and Dan proclaims quietly as they leave that if the rest of the places are as good as this one, he's going to have a hard time picking.

Phil has to agree. It's ridiculous, that they get to just taste food to see if they like it, without paying for it first, and they get to do it three more times.

Dan has decided to save some money by making the save the date cards himself, and he opens up Photoshop when they get home while Phil sets about calling family members and seeing if they'll need hotel rooms to stay in.

He writes down who does (most of them do) and then wanders into where Dan's working and asks him for his phone so he can call Dan's relatives, or call Dan's parents to get their numbers.

“Isn't that a bit weird?” Dan asks, as he switches between two fonts on the screen.

“What, me using your phone? We're going to be married, I'm helping plan it, your parents know me pretty well by now, I would think they'd be okay with giving out information to me.”

“I guess,” Dan says, and he digs his phone out of his pocket. “It's at thirteen percent battery, you might want to go plug it in if you're gonna use it,” he says as he checks it.

“You didn't charge your phone last night?” Phil complains and Dan shrugs.

“Hey, what do you think of this wording?” He asks, pointing at the screen.

Phil reads it. _Daniel James Howell and Philip Michael Lester formally invite you to save the date of April 29_ _th_ _for their wedding at Wilton's Music Hall._

“Looks fine to me,” Phil says.

“It just feels wordy,” Dan complains. “But it's so minimalistic. I mean, how else could I put it?”

“Dan, it's fine,” Phil reassures him. “Besides, I have to go call your family and see if they need hotels. You're doing perfectly fine on this.”

So he plugs in Dan's phone and brings his laptop over to where he's forced to sit with it plugged in and starts the process of going through Dan's list of family members, calling them, explaining who he is, having to listen to about half of them gush their delight over getting to talk to Dan's fiancé, and asking them about whether they'll need hotel rooms for after the ceremony.

He does this until Dan comes out of the bedroom holding a sheet of paper. It's mostly blank, save for the card sized printing of the save the date that he's formulated, with lilac bordering, simplistic, and Phil nods agreeably at it.

“It looks fine, I mean, if you want, we can use that as our save the date and send it out ourselves.”

“We need card stock,” Dan says. “We don't have any.”

“So we'll buy some,” Phil says. Dan looks stressed and Phil isn't sure why, but he doesn't want Dan snapping on him, so he puts down Dan's phone – there's only three more people left to call, and guides Dan into the kitchen where he fixes them both a mug of hot chocolate.

“Come on, drink and relax, you look stressed,” Phil says. Dan stirs the hot chocolate, the marshmallows swimming in his drink, melting from the heat, and he stirs more vigorously until they're swirls of white in the drink.

“Do you really think we can get this all done in eight months?” Dan asks.

Phil sighs. “We'll have to. People get married in lesser time, they get married in six months, or even like, what, sometimes they pull it together in a couple of weeks, and I'm sure those are much less elaborate weddings, bare basics, but we'll get through it.”

Dan takes a sip of his hot chocolate and sighs. “I just feel like the save the date is boring, like it needs to be more elaborate.”

“Nah, I like it. It's simplistic. Like you.” Phil tells him. “I like the lilac bordering the best, it's pretty.”

“So how many hotel rooms does it look like we'll need?” Dan says, changing the subject.

“Um, right now, we're at eleven, but I still have to call three more people from your family. Guess we'll be seeing if we can get discounts for huge party numbers, hm,” Phil says.

“I mean, I know we've got money, Youtube and BBC kind of has us more than financially secure, and we can afford all this, but at the same time, I'm thinking of the cost and worrying.” Dan says.

“We'll afford it, Dan, don't worry. If we could afford Charlie and his massive amounts of diapers, we can afford the hotel rooms.”

“Speaking of our kid, what is he up to?” Dan asks. “Maybe I'll go read to him or something, destress myself.”

“You know, I used to see you around kids and think what a good dad you'd make,” Phil comments softly. “And I know you expressed wanting to have kids in the past. I think it's sweet how you find reading to a toddler soothing.”

“It's just – he looks at me with those big trusting eyes and listens so intently and it's like I know that he feels safe with me and he's happy and then I'm happy,” Dan says. “So where is he?”

“He's in his playpen in the lounge, I had him in there while I was making phone calls.” Phil says. “Maybe I'll finish up the phone calls and join you in reading to him.”

“Have you called my Aunt Doreen yet?”

“No, why?” Phil asks. “She's next on the list.”

“Oh god, you'll never actually get off the phone then. She's a talker. Once she finds out who you are, you'll be stuck spending the next hour telling her all about yourself. I'll probably have Charlie in bed before you get off the phone with her,” Dan teases.

“I'll work out a signal then, where if I need you to come save me from endless talks, you can call me and tell me Charlie needs me or something,” Phil says.

“Yeah, alright. Or I'll ignore it and make you suffer through talking to her like I have all these years.” Dan continues to tease, merciless.

“Rude,” Phil informs him. He gets up, kisses Dan's cheek. “Go read to our kid, then, take a break for a little bit. For what it's worth, I really like the save the dates. I'm gonna finish up the phone calls.”

“Did you want to start registering tomorrow? I was looking at different stores we could register at, and I know we don't really need a lot of stuff, we've kind of established ourselves, but we could always get new stuff, kind of like starting new together,” and Dan waves his hand a bit here.

Phil smiles at him. “Getting soppy on me,” he teases back. “Yeah, I mean, we could do with a new set of pots and pans, and I'm sure we'll find stuff on the website that we want. I presume we have to actually go in to the stores, however, to register.”

Dan makes a face. “Yeah, I think so. I was hoping we could do it online.”

“We really are the most antisocial of creatures,” Phil muses. “How do we maintain friendships?”

Dan shrugs. “Our charming personalities? The fact that they take pity on us?”

Phil starts laughing at that. “Go, Charlie, read. I'll call your Aunt Doreen and try to keep it short so I can finish up with the other two people and come join you.”

His phone call lasts, astonishingly, only a half an hour, although it does take him three different, “Alright, thanks for letting me know, I have to go now,” to actually get off the phone, not wanting to sound rude.

He finishes up the last two phone calls with only some sense of urgency, wanting to join Dan before Dan's done reading to Charlie, and he catches the tail end of it, coming into the room as Dan lies with Charlie next to him in the bed.

He curls up on the bed and nuzzles Dan's ear, biting lightly at the lobe. “What are you reading?”

“Winnie the Pooh,” Dan says. “I'm determined to pass on my love for it to Charlie.”

Phil smiles. “Plus your musical talents?” He asks, referring to the keyboard that Dan bought Charlie that they still have yet to use and probably won't use for at least another two years.

“My musical talents? I'm not that talented.” Dan argues back. “I just can sort of teach myself songs badly.”

“Oh, come off it, Dan. You're talented at piano and you know how to play drums – albeit that one isn't nearly as good – but your piano skills are a gift.” Phil argues.

“I haven't played as much in the last year and a half. We had a sleeping baby that I didn't want to wake up. I'm sure my talent's degraded by now.”

“Well, Charlie doesn't take that many naps anymore, you have plenty of time to practice, don't try and justify your laziness on our baby,” Phil says, not meanly, only giving Dan a little hassling, as he smiles.

Dan frowns at him, leans over and kisses him. “You're incredibly rude, calling me lazy.”

“We're both lazy,” Phil informs him. “When was the last time we went for a jog?”

Dan actually tries to mull that one over and comes up with nothing, and in his defence, turns back to the book. “So I'm going to just finish up this chapter then,” he says, and Phil nods, lies down next to him, following along wordlessly as Dan reads to Charlie.

Later on, when it's quiet and Charlie's in bed, Dan rolls to face Phil and kiss him.

“I know you said I'd be the one to calm you down probably for when you freak out about the wedding, but I just wanted to thank you for trying to help me out today.”

“I know you want this to be perfect.” Phil says. “I know you want it to be as special as it can be, so I'm doing my best to be there for you. I'm sure we'll have an argument somewhere down the road, but right now isn't the time for it.”

Dan smiles, that beautiful smile that creases his face and crinkles his eyes, and makes him look like sunshine radiant as a summer day, and Phil falls in love with him all over again at once, leans in with a surge and kisses him hard.

“Come on,” Phil says. “Let's go to the other bedroom. I've got the urge to take my time kissing you all over and reminding you of how much I love you.”

Dan smiles softer there. “I mean, I'm not one to argue, but who was it calling me a sop earlier?”

“I can be soppy too, it's allowed,” Phil argues back and he gets up, pulls Dan to his feet, starts by kissing Dan's jaw and guiding him across the room, moves his mouth to Dan's neck while they're in the hallway, and is halfway to pulling off Dan's shirt by the time they hit Dan's bed.

He does take his time, he elicits quiet sighs and hushed moans out of Dan, he nibbles and kisses and licks his way along the lines of Dan's body, back up, and then he flips them, encourages Dan to open him up and sink inside Phil.

Dan does at that, and it's spine-tinglingly good, and later on, Phil kisses Dan's hair, where it's starting to curl from sweat, and murmurs how much he loves him again, and Dan smiles, presses a kiss to Phil's shoulder, murmurs it back.

 


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a hell of a ride, guys. Thanks for coming along with me. I hope you all enjoyed "Pretty Odd (Things Have Changed For Me)". <3 - Caden

The next few months creep along with planning, registering at a few stores, and even contemplating bachelor parties for themselves. Phil is actually the one pushing Dan on it, telling him it'll be his last chance to have fun before he gets married and chained down, but Dan's the one to say, “Okay, but how do we split up PJ and Chris for separate parties?” and eventually they decide it's too much trouble than it's worth.

Dan helps out on the little things, while Phil makes phone calls to florists, and they meet up with them, discuss colours and types of flowers and eventually decide on what they want there, lilies and roses, red and white and purple.

Louise continues to help them and without her, they'd be a wreck, and she comes with on a few meetings, which leads to a rather funny moment where, as they sit registering for items, someone mistakes Dan and Louise for the happy couple, which leads to her sputtering out something along the lines of, “No, no, we're not together, they are,” with wide eyes and even more broad gesturing at Dan and Phil while Dan simply starts laughing hysterically.

She babysits for Charlie a lot when they go out and tells them that Charlie's developing what appears to be a tiny crush on Darcy, following her around everywhere she goes and trying to get her to play with him.

Charlie's officially starting to distinguish between Dan and Phil in terms of who's who as his parent, and their taking to calling Dan “papa” seems to have worked, as he's picked it up, so now Phil is “daddy” and Dan is “papa”, and one day, Dan's doing a liveshow when Charlie starts calling for “papa” and Dan is halfway to his feet before he realises it, before looking a little sheepish and sitting back down, then deciding to hell with it and getting back up, getting Charlie and bringing him onto the show for the last ten minutes of it.

They realise that Charlie's getting too big for his crib and buy a tiny bed for him, wedge it in Phil's room and store away Charlie's crib at Phil's parents' place, and slowly start the process of teaching Charlie how to sleep in a “big boy bed” as Dan calls it.

They go through the process of brushing their teeth with Charlie at night and then tucking him into his sheets, which are bright blue and have stars and galaxies all over them, and Phil officially has no room left in his bedroom for anything because between his furniture and the two beds, they're cramped.

They meet up with Charity for pictures to be taken for their save the date invitations, to go with the cards that Dan's made, and she captures a plethora of various shots of them, and they eventually pick one where they're both laughing and looking at each other with affection in their eyes.

They get rings for each other, golden rings that gleam under the light, and Dan takes great pleasure in sliding the engagement band onto Phil's finger, and even greater pleasure in picking out his actual wedding band that Phil will put on his finger during the ceremony.

In fact, they find they're so busy planning the wedding that it sneaks right up on them, until there's less than a month to go. They've got everything booked, now it's just time for double-checking, and that's how they spend the next couple of weeks, calling to confirm florists, the band, catering, that everybody has a space in the hotel, trying on suits one last time.

There's the actual walk-through where they go through all the motions but the actual ceremony, teach Charlie how he's going to have to carry the rings for them and not drop them or get distracted, and ask him if he can be a big boy and do that for them, to which he eagerly replies, “Yah!”

They have to plan a three year old's birthday party for Charlie too and it's relatively quiet, with cake and balloons and toys and books for Charlie, and their flat is officially cluttered with Charlie's stuff, Phil realises one day as he looks around, realises that they need a bigger place, and realises that maybe after they get married, he should talk to Dan about buying a house.

He feels a tinge of sadness at the idea of leaving behind their London flat, the same tinge of sadness he had at leaving the Manchester flat, but really, there's just not enough room in the flat for all of Charlie's things along with theirs.

Wedding presents start to arrive and they unwrap them, and the place gets even more crowded with items, and really, there is just not enough space for everything.

And then suddenly it's _the day_ , it's the day before they're getting married, and Phil doesn't know if he's going to be able to sleep.

Charlie's sprawled out in his bed, and Dan's actually gone to sleep in his own bed for the night, claiming nerves getting the better of him, and Phil feels isolated and sneaks out of his bed and across the hall to find Dan sitting up in his bed, twisting his engagement band around.

“I can't sleep,” Phil whispers as he enters the room, and Dan smiles at him softly, twists the band again.

“Neither can I. It's tomorrow,” he replies, dragging out the last word, and he pulls the blankets up around him, makes them bunch up around his shoulders, covering himself up.

“We're gonna be married tomorrow,” Phil whispers, even softer, and he sneaks his hand under all of Dan's sheets and blankets and finds Dan's hand, squeezes it.

Dan grins at him, big and broad, beautiful, and his eyes are sleepy but wide with excitement at the same time, and Phil kisses him, until he's a little breathless and Dan is too, until Dan murmurs, “I thought I was supposed to be chaste and keep to myself the night before the wedding.”

Phil laughs. “You're an idiot,” he tells Dan, and Dan leans against him, rests his head on Phil's shoulder.

“I'm your idiot,” Dan says softly. Phil lifts a hand to stroke Dan's hair, which he recently got trimmed for the wedding, and Phil closes his eyes.

“I should go back to my room and try to sleep again,” Phil says. Dan nods, shuffles his way out of bed.

“I think I'm coming with, it's too lonely in this bed. I miss you.”

“For one night?” Phil asks, amused, and Dan shrugs, looks sheepish. “We've got some melatonin, did you want to try taking some of that to help you sleep?”

“If it gets bad enough and I'm not asleep in the next hour, yeah,” Dan says. “How old is it, is it even still good? Doesn't that stuff have an expiration date?”

“It's still good, I bought it in the last, um, year.” Phil answers, and Dan smiles at him. “Shut up, at least I know it was in the last year and is still good, unlike the jaffa cakes we still have that I'm not sure are even from this year that I know you bought.”

Dan tucks an arm over Phil as they resettle into bed. “What if something goes wrong tomorrow? Like what if Charlie swallows the rings or something.”

“I'm pretty sure Charlie's not going to swallow the rings.” Phil says, trying not to laugh and wake up Charlie, who is sleeping only a few feet away.

“What if he drops them, then?”

“Then Louise, who will be following him, will pick them back up and put them back on the pillow and we'll continue along like nothing ever happened. He's a kid, it could happen.”

“What if your family secretly hates me?” Dan asks. “And has just been pretending for all these years to like me?”

Phil doesn't even bother to dignify that one with a response, just nailing Dan with a look that says, “Really?”

Dan backs down a minute later. “Okay, maybe that one was a little ridiculous, your mum is like the most loving person I know.”

“Yeah, it was, Howell. Now shut your brain off, close your eyes, and go to bed. We have a wedding to attend tomorrow.”

Phil stretches out on his back and feels Dan come to rest his head on his shoulder, and he wraps an arm loosely around Dan. Eight months had gone by so fast and he can barely fathom that tomorrow, he'll be married.

It doesn't seem real to him. Tomorrow, he'll be married. It just doesn't logically make sense, but after everything they've been through, it seems perfect.

He thinks he falls asleep somewhere after Dan, though not too long, but even so, he's only going to get a few hours of sleep before they have to get up, and they're both going to be running on adrenaline tomorrow.

His alarm goes off and wakes all three of them up at eight in the morning, because they have to be out the door by ten-thirty, and when he wakes up, he feels the weight of Dan still on him, and his shoulder is half-asleep, tingling and numb at the same time.

“Ugh, you're so heavy,” he complains, even as he turns to press a kiss to Dan's forehead, and Dan props himself up, looks over at Charlie, who is also sitting up in his bed and looking at them.

“Morning Charlie,” Dan says. “Ready for the big day?”

Phil's pretty sure Charlie doesn't really get what a big day this is but Charlie nods eagerly anyways.

“Hungry. I'm hungry. Breakfast?” Charlie asks, and Dan gets out of bed, steals a pair of Phil's pyjama pants and tugs them on.

“Yeah, let's go have oatmeal. With fresh strawberries.”

“Yeah!” Charlie agrees. Recently, he's taken to liking oatmeal, and it's an easy meal, so they've been having it a lot with him, and keeping fresh fruit on hand to mix into the oatmeal. Yesterday was blueberries, which he loved stirring around the gloopy mess of oatmeal, watching it stain the food royal blue.

Phil reaches for his phone and sends a text to Louise. _I can't believe I'm getting married today. I can't believe I get to marry Dan today. It doesn't seem real._

He follows them into the kitchen a few minutes later and snaps a photo of Dan and Charlie eating oatmeal together, tweets it with _big day today, and these two are just being lazy oafs_.

They haven't actually announced the day they're getting married, so nobody should know that today is the wedding, but this being the phandom, any time Dan or Phil tweets anything now, they peruse it for any information that could be pertaining to the wedding, ever since Dan and Phil originally tweeted their playful little hints.

Louise texts back a few minutes later, _lucky boy, you are. Yes - you are getting married today, exciting!! What time do I have to meet you there? Just double-checking._

_About noon, ceremony starts at two. I can't wait to see what you're going to be wearing, you're probably going to look better than me and Dan and steal the scene._

_No way, the way you glow when you're around Dan, you're going to be the one stealing the scene._

Dan happens to look up at that point and must catch a glimpse of Phil's smile. “What are you so pleased about, Philly?”

“I'm letting you get away with calling me Philly, just today, because I happen to love you and I'm planning on marrying you today, and after today you're never allowed to call me Philly again.” Phil informs him, without giving him an actual answer.

“Sure thing, Philly,” and Phil knows that Dan will carry on with that horrible nickname for the rest of their lives.

“Philly.” Charlie says cheerfully and Phil groans.

“No, stop passing it onto our son!” Phil complains.

“Never.” Dan says with a blatant grin, and steals a bite of strawberry from Charlie, popping the fresh fruit into his mouth, licking at the corner of his lips where the juice stains for a moment.

Phil sighs, leans down and kisses Dan. “You're a terrible fiancé, you know that?”

“I'm going to make an even worse husband,” Dan answers back jestingly. “Once we're married, I'm making you do all the chores and cooking, I'm going to just sit around and complain about being shackled down and be lazy.”

“Well, that much I know. I don't even know why I'm going through with this,” Phil teases, and Dan pretends to be put out until Phil kisses him again, sweeter, and whispers, “You're going to be a great husband.”

Once Dan's done feeding Charlie, he goes to take a shower and get dressed and he comes into the kitchen, where Charlie's sitting with Phil, and they're drawing together on a piece of paper – Charlie's drawing some kind of tiger-giraffe monstrosity while Phil's doodling a picture of Dan in a suit in the upper right corner of the paper.

Phil looks up and thinks he might actually be breathless for a moment for how handsome Dan looks in his suit. “I can't believe I'm marrying you,” he utters, and Dan actually pinks up in the cheeks.

“Shush and go take your own shower, I'll watch Charlie,” and Dan peers at the paper, grins when he spots what Phil's drawn. “Nice art, by the way. I think I look a tad bit better than how you've rendered me. Your art skills leave much to be desired.”

“Shut it, you,” Phil says, but he swaps places with Dan and goes to shower and get dressed himself.

The morning is a blur, it seems, and they're going to the music hall and taking a few photos with Charity beforehand, and then Louise and PJ and Chris are arriving, because besides PJ going to be Phil's best man, Chris is going to be Dan's, and Louise has Darcy with her.

Louise looks stunning, to be honest. She's wearing a white dress with pale pink flowers on it, and Darcy is also in a white dress, plain, though, and Louise has her hair piled up high on her head in a beautiful, full bun.

They take a few more photos, Charity snapping away and catching Phil and Louise hugging, and Dan holding Charlie and talking to him, and Phil turns around and spots her catching PJ and Chris grinning at each other over something.

There's so much to do, making sure everything is set up and Phil and Dan rush around, trading Charlie between them, until eventually Louise steps in and steals Charlie from them and tells them to focus on the wedding, and she'll look after Charlie for a little bit.

Phil gets a chance to see how enamoured Charlie is with Darcy, and it's true, Charlie trails after Darcy like a little puppy and he nudges Dan, shows him, and the two of them have a moment of breath to themselves, watching Charlie, before they resume preparations for the ceremony.

Family starts arriving soon after, and they have to be greeting everybody, and ushering everybody to sit down, and any tiredness that Phil might have had is long since gone, he is definitely running on pure adrenaline.

Somehow, time sneaks away from him and PJ is telling him it's time for the ceremony to begin, and their officiant is standing in front of everybody, smiling at Phil, who is suddenly so nervous he can't even think straight.

Their music they've planned has been playing in the background and it switches to the next song, the song that Phil recognises as his cue to get ready to start the walk down the aisle.

PJ and Chris go first, and suddenly Dan is by his side, looking wide-eyed and nervous.

“You ready?” Dan asks, and Phil shakes his head no, and Dan reaches down, squeezes his hand. “Yeah, you are.”

“Yeah, I am,” Phil agrees, and he watches as PJ and Chris make their way to the front of the aisles and separate, standing next to where he and Dan will stand, and then people are turning to look at them, and they're taking steps side by side and all Phil can think is a frantic, _don't trip_ , down the aisle as music plays.

The walk seems to take forever, and it's over too fast at the same time, and then he and Dan are separating, turning to watch Darcy walk down the aisle with her little basket of flowers, sprinkling them across the music hall's floor, and then Charlie, who Louise still is standing behind, comes next with their rings on the little pillow, and Louise is gently encouraging Charlie, following him until he's up front and PJ is reaching down to take the pillow, and Louise is guiding Charlie to his seat, next to her and Darcy.

Then, Phil hears the officiant speaking, and words don't seem to make sense and they're flying by him at a speed he can't imagine, as the officiant introduces Dan and Phil and talks about their love for each other to the people there, and then Phil hears, “Phil, take Dan's ring,” and he reaches for it off the pillow from PJ, and PJ passes the pillow to Chris in the process.

“Phil, repeat after me, I promise to love you without reservations,” and Phil repeats the words, looking at Dan with suddenly wide eyes, nervous, excited, disbelieving it's actually happening, thrilled with the knowledge that it actually is. “I promise to comfort you in times of distress,” and he repeats those to Dan as well, “encourage you to achieve all of your goals,” and Dan's smiling so brightly at him that Phil can feel a swelling in his heart.

Then the officiant is continuing on, “Laugh and cry with you, grow with you in mind and spirit,” and Phil's nodding, repeating those words, “always be honest and open with you, and cherish you as long as I shall live,” and Phil can barely hold in how much he cherishes Dan, so he just repeats the words, hopes that his smile isn't too broad, and Dan's only laughing a little at him right now, a tiny giggle that escapes, looking at him fondly.

The officiant has Dan repeat the same process, and then, holding their rings, Phil slides his first onto Dan's finger, and then Dan slides Phil's onto his finger, and they've opted to not write vows, because there's nothing that they could say to each other that they don't already know, so instead, they get informed that they may now kiss, and Phil only feels a little embarrassed kissing in front of everybody.

When he looks out into the audience, he finds that both his mum and Dan's are both tearing up, and Louise is looking watery-eyed as well, and when he turns back to Dan, he thinks he sees just the hint of wetness at the corner of Dan's eyes, and he wants to kiss that away, but he doesn't.

Instead, he hears the officiant say, “I now give to you Mister Philip Lester-Howell and Mister Daniel Lester-Howell.” and they're turning, walking back down the rows of guests, amidst clapping, and Louise is getting up with Charlie and Darcy and following them.

The reception is in a different area of the music hall, and people start to dissipate and make their way over there, but there's still photographs that have to be taken by Charity, the aftermath of everything, before Dan and Phil are free to go, and PJ and Chris are joining them for the wedding party photos.

It takes the better part of an hour, but eventually Charity lets them go, and Dan and Phil enter their reception to more cheering.

They sit overlooking everybody. The band they've chosen is still playing quietly, and they haven't been in the room more than five minutes before Phil hears the clinking of glasses start and he groans.

He should have told everybody that wasn't allowed, and he looks at Dan, who shrugs, and they lean in and kiss. He wonders how many more times they're going to have to put up with that.

He spies Chris grinning to himself and suspects Chris was the initial instigator of that, and he tries to shoot Chris a dirty glare but he's honestly too amused at the same time to do it.

Then the leader of the band is speaking and informing everybody of Dan and Phil's first dance as a married couple, and Dan gets up, offers his hand to Phil, and Phil takes it, follows Dan out into the middle of the floor.

Their first dance is going to be to “I'll Be” by Edwin McCain, and they sway together slowly as the music pours out from the speakers, and Phil rests his head on Dan's shoulder, glances around the room as they sway in a slow circle, closes his eyes a moment later. He loses himself in Dan's nearness and the melody and the way he's feeling at that moment, which is happier than he's ever been.

It feels like no time at all passes before the song is ending and Dan's speaking. “Okay guys, so we're just gonna relax now, open bar, open band, have fun,” Dan announces, and gently guiding Phil back to their seats, for a brief rest that Phil suspects will be limited, and Dan will have them back on the dance floor soon enough, to dance with their mums, with Louise, with just friends and family.

Sure enough, that's exactly what happens. The dinner is served, and they eat it, and then after everybody's finished, Dan gets up and asks his mum onto the dance floor, so Phil gets up and asks his own and Dan must have requested a song ahead of time, because it's not a song that Phil knows, but it's not a romantic song, it's just an intimate song of love.

Phil's mum is still a little teary-eyed as they dance, and whispers to him how proud of him she is, how lucky she is to have Dan as a son-in-law, and Phil makes a note to tell Dan that later, because he knows it'll make Dan smile.

Once the song ends, Dan invites Louise over to dance with him, a faster dance, and Phil's left all alone, so he quickly snags PJ and tells Chris, “Sorry, I'm stealing your boyfriend so I don't look like an idiot all alone on the floor.”

Things settle down after that. People get up and make their way onto the dance floor and Dan and Phil start making rounds of saying thank you to everybody who came, taking pictures, dancing occasionally.

It's amazing how much of your wedding you don't actually get to partake in, Phil muses, a couple of hours later. They've only had one drink each, when normally at a reception by now they'd have had three, and they're still taking pictures with Charity.

But Phil makes sure to steal time to pull both Dan and Charlie onto the dance floor for a quick-paced song, doing a silly dance with Charlie much to everybody's delight.

He keeps count – six clinks in total, and that's not awful, having to kiss Dan six times for everybody.

During the reception, Chris gets stinkingly drunk and actually gets on the dance floor and is warbling along with the lyrics while he's dancing with PJ and Dan makes his way over to Chris and asks, “Are you planning on upstaging me by asking PJ to marry you or something?”

There's a pause where Chris looks like he's actually considering it and then PJ is grabbing him and hissing, “Oh my god, just sit down, I would actually murder you,” and Phil starts laughing at the same time as Dan.

He dances with Louise, whispers to her that he can't believe it's entirely real, and makes sure he has the surprise for Dan in his pocket, double-checking with his mum that she'll be watching Charlie for a few days.

Then he's making his way over to Dan as a song ends, and he asks the band to wait for a minute before their next song, because he has a surprise.

“Dan, I know we said no honeymoon,” he starts, “but that was a lie.”

Dan lifts an eyebrow at him. “Oh?”

Phil smiles at him. “We had so much fun last time, I thought we could go again,” he says simply, and he reaches into his pocket, pulls out the two tickets for Japan. “We leave tomorrow morning, just so you know.”

He shows them to Dan and Dan blinks in surprise, then throws his arms around Phil in a hug, squeezing him tight. “No way, I can't believe we're going back.”

“We're going back. Mum's watching Charlie for us, so don't worry about him. I made sure everything was taken care of.” Phil answers.

Dan kisses Phil, he really kisses Phil, cupping both of Phil's cheeks in his hands, and when they break apart, there's a whoop from the crowd somewhere, and Phil blushes.

“If I had known you'd respond like that, I would have given you these tickets weeks ago,” he jokes, to save face, and Dan laughs breathily.

“I can't believe we're going back.” Dan says.

The rest of the reception is spent calming down, and there's a couple of group dances that Phil gets dragged onto the floor with Dan for, and then it's wrapping up with the last couple of songs, and Dan and Phil start the process of thanking everybody again, of dropping off Charlie with his mum so they don't have to worry about doing that in the morning, until they're finally all alone with even Chris and PJ and Louise gone, exhausted.

“So,” Phil says, looking around as the band finishes packing up. “D'you wanna go home and just, like, pass out for the night?”

“Oh my god, you took the words right out of my mouth,” Dan says. “I have no idea how people got the idea that the wedding night was supposed to be so exciting, I just want to sleep. Have people ever actually had a wedding?”

Phil laughs and takes Dan's hand, and when they're finally home, they do just that.

It's two weeks later, a week after their return from Japan, when Dan goes out one day and comes back with a handful of paperwork, and when Phil sees what it is, he only blinks a few times in surprise before sitting down with Dan and starting the process.

It takes them a few months, proving that Dan's a fit parent, ridiculous red tape, but it's worth it when, after all is said and done, Charlie's last name becomes Charlie Lester-Howell.

Phil doesn't suppose he'll ever know where Charlie came from. He thinks to himself how lucky he is, though, for what it brought him. As he curls up with Dan that night, he muses to himself how the world seems to have come together just perfectly so, to have brought him and Dan and Charlie together into their tight-knit little family.

His last thought is of happiness, Dan's nearness, the sound of Charlie breathing in the corner of the room, and then there's nothing but dreams.

 


End file.
